Sunday, December 31, 2006

    Happy 17 A.G.!!


    As we enter the year 17 A.G. (After Greico), I hope all of our parties end up like this roasted turd chestnut. With sixteen hotties all drinking from the classic Ubiquitous Red Cup, and one skeezy scrote who’s more interested in the camera than the perfect munchy leg he’s perching on.

    It can’t be good to want to tie this feral slice of small intestine to a ball of metallic razor blades and roll him down a hill. That can’t be a positive emotion heading into a New Years, which is supposed to be about change, and uplift and positivity.

    Feh. Screw positivity. Lets chain up Grinny McCheese to a tractor pull and go bear hunting.

    One question: Is the 7-11 Big Gulp Red Cup the Ferrarri of Ubiquitous Red Cups?

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, December 29, 2006

    The Douchies: Drunk Miss Nevada and the ‘Bag Hunter Awards


    Greetings from San Francisco, where The DB1 is planning to spend a New Years of utter debauchery and sin in which I will be chasing hippie Hotties with hopefully a stage-0 Bleeth level.

    Good times will most definitely ensue.

    Before I forget, I have to hand out a few 2006 Douchie Awards to some of the key contributors to the site. So without further ado, the Douchie Awards for the ‘bag hunters from the comments thread:

    2006 Douchie Award: Most Prolific ‘Bag Hunter — Douchestar Runner, for submitting dozens of pics over the past year including some of the greatest hits of all time on the site. This guy is a ‘Bag Hunter Master of the Scrotiest Order, a true King of Bling. Good work, D.R. Expectations are high for 2007.

    2006 Douchie Award: Zen ‘Bag Master — Doc, whose volume of pic hunting was not high in quantity, but absolutely fantastic in douche quality. The man is a sushi chef of ‘bag hunting, a Minimalist masterworker in the vein of a Frank Stella painting or Robert Bresson film. Doc waits for his moment, still as Schiavo, then strikes with lighting quickness. For that, he earns a well deserved 2006 Douchie.

    2006 Douchie Award: Philosophical ‘Bag Master– Baron von Douchehausen, for understanding that analyzing the cultural ramifications of douchebaggery requires a detailed approach to linguistics, semiotics, cultural studies, critical theory, psychology, parapsychology, and a deep-rooted desire to mercilessly mock all that is scrote. Keep up the excellent analysis, BvD. We’ve only scratched the surface of our detailed topographical analysis of douchie/hottie comingling.

    Special props to all the regulars for keeping the dialogue going as we dig deeper into what it is that creates these monstrosities of male superego and the cuties who love them. Cheers!!

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, December 29, 2006

    The Douchies: Hottest Cleavite


    In the immortal words of Marvin Gaye: Ain’t no Mountain High Enough

    I don’t know quite what that means, but it seems apropos of something or another for this fantastic and perfect example of the Holy Cleavite in all its glorious relevation.

    Not to mention the combo with this skankbag. Such HC + D gale force winds are what can kill a horse if not properly monitored.

    So lets raise this pic to the rafters and honor it with a 2006 Douchie Award. There really aren’t two better examples of what makes the world spin in its utter perplexed confusion than in this pic right here. In many ways this pic represents war, peace, injustice and cereal bars all at the same time. What, you don’t like cereal bars?

    Can I get an “amen”?

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, December 29, 2006

    The Douchies: Douchiest Inverted ‘Bag Sandwich Formation


    How can we forget this classic inverted ‘bag sandwich formation from back in June? A well earned 2006 Douchie to this pile of yak crap in the middle. I’d like to klog dance on his seed.

    I will forever love quirky dark haired hottie in the green bikini. I know I’ve said I love other women on this site, and I meant it everytime. But this time, I mean it for as long as I continue to type this sentence.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, December 28, 2006

    Santa Pudge


    I know it’s a few days after Christmas and all, but… uhm…. er… I… yeah. I feel dirty.

    Candycane on the right has all sorts of meaty childbearing hips. And for some reason, I like it. Maybe it’s the Vans.

    Lets give this pudge a 2006 Douchie Award for “Douchiest Tie.” Hell, the irony of the Douchies is even though I’m making them up as I go, they still have more credibility than the Blockbuster Awards.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, December 28, 2006

    Douche Lee Returns


    I’ve got a few more Douchies to hand out before the end of 2006, but for those of you jonsing for a new pic, this one’s a beauty. Yes, bow your heads, fellow ‘bags, ‘bag hunters and hotties. This is yet another extremely rare pic of the legendary spiritual Zen ubermensch, Douche Lee, snapped of the mystical D.L. in action just last week.

    Yes, our intrepid witness to the Douche Lee manifestation has once again gone out and snapped a pic of this omnisexual spirit in action.

    Let us never again question the Douche Lee, nor wonder about such trivialities as Its sexual orientation or identity. Let us simply marvel at Its ability to continue to summon the hottest tail this side of a New England harbor back-alley at 2am.

    Douche Lee is a myth no longer. For now we can, no we must, believe in the spirit of the D.L.

    Let us bow our heads in reverent prayer. We come to praise Its holy manifestation in all Its glorious earthly revelation. Let the legend of Douche Lee sing out across the lands in poem and song for all eternity to hear Its douchey cry.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, December 28, 2006

    The Douchies: Best Frosted/Ab Combo — The Sun ‘Bag


    Since we’re voting on frosted hair and perfect abs in seperate Douchie Award categories, lets give a 2006 Douchie to this perfect combo of the two that ran back in mid June.

    It really don’t get tanner/douchier than this unholy combo. It’s like finding a rare Brazilian tulip in full bloom in the rainforests of Madagascar only to discover a piece of elephant dung on it’s stamen.

    It’s enough to drive the DB1 to drink.

    Then again, so’s a light southwesterly breeze.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, December 28, 2006

    The Douchies: Hottest Abs

    Voting on the general quality of the hotties on this site is a near impossible task. So many gorgeous creatures have revealed their weakness for oily scrote that trying to narrow them down to three is a near impossibility. So rather than attempt a general “hottie” vote (which we’ve tried in the past), I’m going to open up the floor for a debate on the perfection of the female abs.

    I’m talking baby back rib abs. The type you want to dip in a nice steak sauce and chew on for a four day weekend. And, of course, we must factor in the other half of the ledger, the power of rank douchebaggery that those abs have chosen to comingle with.

    So, without further ado, here are the nominees…

    Hottest Abs #1: Ab-solutely Douchulous


    I didn’t really give this pic an adequate name the first time around, so this time we’ll go with “Ab-solutely Douchulous.”

    Speaking of douchulous, headband ‘bag could’ve been a finalist for spikiest hair with that frosted mop of thorns.

    I do sort of appreciate anyone who tacks up a neon “Bud” crown light on their fireplace.

    As to abs, she is all that cheers me to a state of perpetual warmth on a cold, cold night.

    Hottest Abs #2: The Wigga Clown

    Persian Princess has those soft abs with just a hint of definition. Couched in a lightly dusted layer of fat, they are supple, yet firm. Like a tasty pork tenderloin, I would dip in apple sause and serve sizzling hot. It may be a costume pic, but the fact that Halloween continues to be a holiday that allows hotties to let out their inner slut makes it good by me.

    Hottest Abs #3: The Scrote Warrior


    Here’s a fan fave from back in the day, as this skeezy ‘bag attemps to grab this slender stalk of abaliscious perfection like a sucking pleco fish. I want to feed him algae until he sticks to the side of my fishtank.

    She may only be a mid level cutie in the face, but stare at those abs, blink repeatedly for thirty seconds, then stare at a blank wall.

    Do you see that?

    It’s perfection.

    Good thing I don’t have to vote. My first answer to these three pics? Yes, please. But it’s up to you. Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, December 27, 2006

    The Douchies: Douchiest Everything — White Chocolate

    As Jean-Paul Sartre once said:

    Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.

    It would be unfair to attempt to privilege any one of the douchebag specificities of White Chocolate above the rest. Therefore we must award a 2006 Douchie to W.C.’s totality. His “everything.” To award a Douchie for the grill, or the Jesus bling, or perhaps the aqua satin Yankee cap, would be to deny Sartre’s totality of existential douchebaggery.

    Sure we could talk about his bizarre facial pube configuration. His multiple outfits. His douchey sunglasses. His inordinately head scratching ability to pull hotties.

    But to focus in on any of these specificities would detract from understanding W.C.’s douchiness in its totality. As Sartre understood, douchebaggery, as in life, can only be fully comprehended through the philosophical macro. And in so doing, we bestow a special 2006 Douchie for “Douchiest Everything” to the douche who has everything, White Chocolate.

    Good on you, W.C.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, December 27, 2006

    The Douchies: Douchiest Sexathon — The ‘Bagsgiver


    An HCwD of the Week Award Winner and the pic that caused the most reader fantasies this year, there was no way The ‘Bagsgiver wasn’t going to get honored with a 2006 Douchie Award.

    For pulling two of the sweetest looking chickas on the site, neither of whom appear to me to be of the “professional” variety (although there was much debate on this point), and for remaining in a state of pure douchitude, the ‘Bagsgiver is a worthy Douchie recipient.

    He’d also be a worthy DB1′s-Boot-in-his-Ass award recipient, but alas, no award in that category this year.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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