Friday, February 29, 2008

    Ask DB1: Hott Speak


    Private School Hott writes in:

    —-
    Dear Douchebag1:

    Thanks for the site. I’m hoping you’ll give a minor clarification: are your comments demeaning the hotts as Future Hairdressers of America actually a form of self-parody?

    Are you trying to act douchescrotey, like in your picture (I’m assuming it’s you, and if it is, you look douche-liciously hot). Or are you an accidental d-bag? Douches in glass houses shouldn’t throw ice er whatever.

    -A hott/ fellow graduate of an expensive private school.
    —-

    I’ve read this email six times and have no idea what it’s asking me. Perhaps someone else can expain it.

    However, if Private School Hott has nice inner thighs, I will forgive the incoherence and buy her a number of cocktails while listening to her complain about how, like, her best friend Kimmy is, like, totally a bitch. For hours. While nodding appreciatively.

    Yes, Private School Hott. Kimmy is, like, totally a bitch.

    Because I’d listen to you read the phone book in Gaelic if there’s an off chance the night will end with my powdering your butt cheeks with talcum powder while singing songs of Algerian revolution.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, February 29, 2008

    M.C. Mesher


    Mesher’s Swedish fetish porn look causes feral street cats to spontaneously cough up furballs. And while the potential for Gaybag is there, something tells me this is a metro look in the smaller cites of northern Scandinavia.

    But Pouty Lost Brunette wears the white frilly top of my luridest high-school fantasies. And so she makes up for Mesher’s wrongness. Almost.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, February 29, 2008

    The Douche-Face


    People often ask me, “DB1, how will I know the douche-face when I see it?”

    I always answer with the same cryptic Zen response: You will know it when you know it.

    It is not about the specifics of the face. Not simply a Ben Stillerian “Blue Steel.” It goes deeper. More sunken of cheek. More annoying of pout.

    In the presence of the lei biting hott, the douche-face can reveal itself at a moment’s notice.

    And when it does, be ready. To fling the poo.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, February 29, 2008

    Friday Haiku


    Smirks echo through time,
    Like Jersey Girls past thirty,
    Where’s the White Castle?

    Jean Claude Van Douchebag
    needs several kicks to his head
    to release the hott

    – kissy lips

    Recedo Bagg’s Hott
    Came from set of Price is Right.
    He has overbid.

    – jeffbagwell

    Hair monster attacks!
    Technicolor vomit dress.
    But still, I like her.

    – mr. white

    when I was a child
    I thought my Mom was crazy
    recycled curtains

    – the ‘bag apple

    “i’ll take two beers, guy”
    says ass-chinned, freckle faced douche.
    i’ll take night train. now.

    – bcs

    no panties on hott
    face frozen in position
    douche signals his length

    - ‘bag lanta

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, February 28, 2008

    Ask DB1: The Bleeth


    burris
    writes in with a question about The Bleeth level, as seen in the pic from a few days ago, “The L”:

    —-
    DB1-

    I’m all for hot chicks, in whatever form they take, but seriously now.

    Isn’t a hot chick with enough eyeliner to make her look like a raccoon, flaunting a big fugly Louis Vuitton purse with lace half gloves right out of an 80′s Madonna video basically the female equivalent of a douchebag?
    —-

    What you’re describing is what we call “The Bleeth” level, or sometimes “The Douchebaguette,” which is the level of toxic douchebaggery in a hott (or former hott) who has spent too much time exposed to uber-douche, aka The Grieco Virus.

    However, there is an important delineation between the stage-1/2 still redeemable Bleeth, and the stage 3/4 “No Hotties for Non Douche” tramp-stamped lost former chickas. Determining that line is a complex process which I cover in greater depth in my book, ironically titled “Hot Chicks with Douchebags” and currently available for Pre-Order from Amazon.com.

    The picture here features a stage-3 Bleeth. Likely unredeemable. High levels of ‘Baguette. But not yet a stage-4. I try not to feature too many pics of the stage-4 Bleeth. Yeesh.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, February 28, 2008

    Emotherapy


    Four out of five doctors recommend emotherapy as the best course of treatment after extended exposure to chin cacti.

    Take the treatment, Ambiguous French Cutie. This Kid Rock merged with Roberto Benigni by way of Siegfried & Roy shtick is way toxic.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, February 28, 2008

    Spot the Beastie ‘Bag


    Somewhere, buried deep in this lineup of Freshman sorority/frat commingling, I’ve carefully hidden an emerging Beastie ‘Bag.

    Look closely.

    Can you spot his wigga wrongness?

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, February 28, 2008

    He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks II


    More scat poetry from He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks:

    —-
    I DON’T LIKE:

    WHORES. girls that smell like s@#t. girls that fart in my presence. girls that pop a squat and take a piss. girls that pop a squat and take a piss AND then put it up on facebook. majority of brunette girls. annoying bitches. girls that don’t smoke trees occasionally. proper bitches that NEVER do anything dangerous. girls that don’t watch scary movies.

    cops. snitches. girls that smoke cigarettes. crooked teeth. yellow teeth. acne. sand on my feet. sand on my genitals. sunburns. peeling skin. tarantulas. moles. girls with a lot of freckles. beauty marks..it ain’t no beauty mark bitch.

    stretch marks. the distance of the ass to the vagina. hairy girls. hairy vaginas. beastiality. girls that only do missionary. ugly girls that think they are hot..bitch have you looked in the mirror lately???

    eye patch. clams. hard unchewable steak. the words: “hot box”, “on dogs”, “wat a force”, “wat a scram”,”f@#kin a”, “boing”, “dayum”, “superman that hoe.” myspace advertising. private profiles. gay porn. soulja boy. flat asses. girls on their period. the bumpy region of the gspot. giant nipples.

    sex <----sometimes. hairy nips. ass crusties. rain in your hair when you have gel in there. the feeling of throwin up. the smell at the zoo. people fartin in the car. naive people. simple girls. stupid tv shows (i love new york..come on). horny ugly girls. fat horny girls. girls who don't stop callin me when we both know they are fat and ugly as s@#t. girls at clubs who just wanna "dance." ass zits. dandruff. ear infections. physical checkup...picture a 90 year old guy playin wit my balls....ya. overly gay guys. gay popup porn. 2nd round in sex with a limp dick. the word "jerkin." nicknames that don't make sense like "cheesy","da sit", "asap", "blunt", and many more. people who say money isn't everything. people who say money doesnt buy happiness.
    —-

    Now sure, I know what you’re thinking, “whatta douche,” but who among us doesn’t hate hard, unchewable steak?

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, February 28, 2008

    The Unnecessary Point


    If ever there was a redundant gesture in life, it is your finger point, A/Xwipe. What are we, blind?

    In the immortal words of Caesar upon discovering his betrayal at that hands of those closest to him, “Boobies.”

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, February 27, 2008

    Stonebag / Not a Stonebag


    Is Stony a ‘bag? Not a ‘bag? I don’t know.

    All I know is her eyes call to me with the unknowable erotics of otherness. Her lips are pouty little pillows I would camp out on for weeks of monastic meditation before my descent into boobal perfection.

    So yeah. Stony. You’re a douche. Because she’s touching your shirt with playful affection.

    And you have an earring. And a tiny pizza bagel on the tip of your chin.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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