Sunday, November 30, 2008

    Ask DB1: The Pictorial ‘Bag


    DB1-

    A question for you…

    In an age of spiritual, moral, and fashion uncertainty, one thing remains constant: digital cameras and their fascinating ability to allow you to see what the hell you look like in any and all given pictures mere seconds after they are taken.

    With that in mind, would your expert opinion lead you to conclude that the ‘bags race back and forth like orange lightning between the camera and pose in order to achieve maximum captured douchocity? That they have practiced the pose enough times in the mirror to have perfected it, or that their douchi is so centered that they simply radiate the exact amount needed in any and all photographs?

    Thank you for your consideration on this perplexing topic.

    - J.P.
    —-

    As Baudrillard notes, the spectacle of the digital age has untethered identity by supplanting the real with simulacra.

    Our notion of the self fractures into spectral masks of pixelated projection. This primal projection of the psyche predates our technological simulation, as Lacan notes. Seeing ourselves through the eyes of the “other” simply finds amplification in the Facebook/MySpace image race. Our swirling feedback loop of projections upon projections becomes a funhouse mirror of refracted and fractured identities, always rooted in notions of identity, but given room to overwhelm in the media age.

    As such, these images become extensions of our corporeal touch. We rescramble spatiality to form kinetic sub-space where we reform as culturally coded and branded entertainment specters. This form of cultural currency as potent as anything Bourdieu described within the social spheres. A radical alterity of self through the prism of the Apple/PC proto-gender binary.

    In short, douchebags may be temporarily orange. But boobies are forever.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, November 29, 2008

    Celebrity HCwDB of the Month: Aniston and Mayerbag


    Al CaDouche writes in with a late season celebrity HCwDB coupling that will vie for a 2008 Douchie next week:

    —-
    DB1 -

    I am an amatuer ‘bag hunter here in Chicago. I have never written in nor sent in a photo because Chicago is filled with scrote and bleeth. I could go to Wrigleyville every night and expose the world of douche in this city… but frankly I don’t have the time nor the SD memory card space required to chronicle the sheer numbers.

    Anyway, I open the New York Times on Sunday and was smacked in the grill by a kissy faced Jennifer Aniston. Has hanging on John Mayer’s taint turned her into Hollywood Fung? I say yes.

    Al CaDouche
    —-

    My distaste for the Mayerbag has a long history. You can read my rants on the douchosity of Mayer here and here.

    Recently, Mayerbag penned some irono-cool letter to his ladiez, which you can read here.

    Mayerdouche personifies “spectral douchosity.” Unlike the clownish Kid Rock, scrotewankery radiates from Mayerbag’s soul, not his cap tilt. Although he did get sleeve tatts. This tool is hanging on to his “above it all nonchalance” act, and failing miserably.

    You suck, Mayerdouche. Dating Rachel won’t save you from that basic truth.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, November 29, 2008

    Pass the Turkey


    Samir, haven’t you learned that you need to use both arms when lifting weights? Not just the left.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, November 28, 2008

    Mr. Bra!! Goes to Washington


    It’s a super-quiet Friday on the site, so in lieu of Friday Thoughts and Links, here’s Hall of Scrote legend and 2008 HCwDB of the Year contender, Bra!!

    Note Bra!! has ditched both his sexy sorority hotts and his tasty cola beverages, and is celebrating our Supreme Court in Washington, D.C. by busting the proverbial “move.”

    Bra!! celebrates historic Supreme Court decisions like Douchey vs. Ferguson (1967) and Broheim vs. Board of Education (1955). These important cases paved the way for scrotal choadwanks to pollute hotts free from government discrimination.

    As Justice Louis Brandeis famously wrote in 1935: Though we may want to kick scrotal choadmunches in the kneecaps when they headlock a sweet innocent boobie hottie suckle thigh, to do so would rend the fabric of Constitutional rights this country was founded on. Word.

    Bra!! is ready for the 2008 Douchie Awards.

    They begin December 8th.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, November 28, 2008

    Ask DB1: Axe Deodorant



    Hey DB1,

    i have a question i was hoping you could answer for me. Now it is common knowledge that things like Axe and Tag are quite Douchetastic but the question I had for you.

    What about Axe deodorant? I have friends who use Axe deodorant, and they are far from douche. I have even used it before. Does the label alone create douche-ocity?

    I would really like to know. Thanks for the help and thanks for the site! Keep up the good work, and I’ll continue hunting the illusive D-bags.

    DanishDouche
    —-

    Beware the Bodyspray.

    If it can kill a 12 year old, then it’s probably not a solid life choice.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, November 28, 2008

    Gobble Gobble


    Today is “Black Friday.” Apparently this is now a consumption holiday in which we ritualize a market system echo of yesterday’s food gorge by spending money on as many discount consumer products as possible.

    Within this massive one-day collective purchasing power, we eroticize the acquisition of “product” as social act of self-inscription within larger structures of collective meaning.

    But I will not participate in a ritual of spending money. Instead I will mock douches and lust after boobie hotties.

    Here goes:

    Nice star tats, Carlos Santana’s Bodyguard.

    Boobies.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, November 28, 2008

    Friday Haiku


    Post turkey headache,
    Hungover. Can only take,
    stage-1 douche/hott pair.

    Red cup, bikinis,
    and fauxhawked douchebags don’t mix,
    except at parties.

    – Don’t wheeze the douche!

    Perky co-ed hott
    Should be experimenting
    But not with this choad

    – Anonymous

    “Wow, what’s with your hair?
    It’s standing at attention”
    “That means I like you!”

    – Anonymous

    It’s the third Darren
    Magic doesn’t twitch her nose
    But his poo smell does

    – DarkSock

    My drink’s spiked with X!
    You wanna hit of this, babe?
    Hey, my shorts threw up!!!

    – Anonymous

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, November 27, 2008

    Happy Thanksgiving


    May all your choadwanks be stuffed, and may all your hotts be Elizabeth Banks.

    From all of us here at HCwDB, Happy Thanksgiving.

    And by all of us, I mean me. Pass the damn stuffing.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, November 26, 2008

    Dung


    As we head into Thanksgiving, I thought we should collectively contemplate the Dungbag.

    Not to be confused with Fung, Dung is that sneaky type of stage 1 or stage 2 ‘bag. The type without a job who wears guyliner into the bar where he works and reads emo books by candlelight. The type whose pasty ass and stupid pickup lines we all laugh at.

    Until he snags Rachel.

    The hott of hotts you knew in college. Sweet and funny and making a great salary as a junior executive. The type who cries at Pixar films and laughs at your jokes.

    Yet somehow she’s dating Dung.

    And the world is shaken off-kilter by the smell of uberpoo-osity once again.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, November 26, 2008

    Wednesday Limerick

    Thanksgiving is just around the corner,
    As Tim the Choadstool makes the “Double Horner,”
    Kylie Minogue Hott endures,
    Sweaty Tim’s got clogged pores,
    And smells like football’s Kurt Warner.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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