Wednesday, December 31, 2008

    Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Blowfish


    2008 Douchie Award Winner, The Blowfish, wants to wish everyone a very Happy New Year!!

    And by Happy New Year, he means weird, almost leper-like, patches of skin and beard.
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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, December 31, 2008

    Saggy Steven Segal says "Happy New Year!"


    Saggy Steven Segal wants to wish everyone a Happy New Year!

    Sure, his hotts aren’t the Kelly LeBrock in Weird Science quality of the 1980s. But they’re still kinda sexy in an urban mom sorta way.

    Especially you, Camilla, you confused little tasty Au Pair.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, December 30, 2008

    Email of the Week

    —-
    Hey Db1,

    Your site – which I’ve been reading for years – is truly one of the best modern art forms around. It reminds us to appreciate so much of life.

    The hotness, the woman, the doughy eyes and thighs, wants and needs. The regrets and pains, the “okness” of life, the ironies, the “thank f@ck i dont chuck heaps of shit in my hair”.

    I think deep down the douchebag is … almost a religious being. They exist as douche so we don’t have too (and deep down we all have our inner douche). The douche exists for our sins. They are like us, and they are not. They are not like us and they are.

    Your site is the perfect attack on naivete, while itself being juvenile. Picasso with a search engine.

    I salute you.

    Rgds,

    Ned
    —-

    Best email of the week, Ned, and the perfect words to fire me up as we head into 2009. This blog, like all work that transcends into art (and this site is, ultimately, an art project), began as simply an attempt to get hotts to notice me. Thus I am DB1.

    Nietzsche. Althusser. Van Gogh. Adam Smith. Richard Foreman. Henry Darger. W.E.B. Du Bois. Jonas Salk. Ron Jeremy.

    Their works, like all that men accomplish, were an attempt to gain the notice of the Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh.

    Especially Jonas Salk. That dude was a poon hound.

    But let us not forget female accomplishment in this equation.

    Georgia O’Keefe. Laurie Anderson. Ayn Rand. Emma Goldman. Maya Deren. Marie Curie. Hannah Arendt. Judith Butler. Toni Basil.

    These women sought to transcend the dark douchal forces acting upon them and reach the Higher Consciousness of De-Douchification through the transcendence of art.

    For within the byproduct of sexual tensions found in our understandings of self reflected in the social formations of eroticism around us, comes meaning.

    Damn I’m gonna get drunk tonight.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, December 30, 2008

    Donkey Douche Arrested


    HCwDB Legend Donkey Douche facing charges for courthouse disturbance.

    —-
    Man facing charges makes disturbance at courthouse

    Downers Grove, IL – While standing in line to enter the DuPage County Courthouse on drug charges after being arrested in Downers Grove last month, Marc Mueller caused a disturbance and told sheriff’s deputies he had a bomb in his belt.

    Mueller, 29, of Palatine is scheduled to be arraigned at the DuPage County Courthouse in Wheaton at 1:30 p.m. Aug. 11.

    In addition to the existing drug charges, Mueller now faces disorderly conduct and bribery charges as a result of the incident at the courthouse.

    Paul Darrah, spokesman for the DuPage County State’s Attorney’s Office, said after telling police he had a bomb, he then tried to bribe them into letting him go.

    “There was some discussion that he attempted to tell one of the police officers ‘I’ll give you something if you let me go,’” Darrah said.

    Darrah said Mueller caused the scene when reporting to court July 17 on charges stemming from an incident in which Downers Grove police found dozens of Vicodin pills and marijuana in his possession.

    Downers Grove Police Sgt. Dave Bormann said Mueller was pulled over in the village at 7:15 p.m. June 11 at Belmont Road and Chicago Avenue for making a lane violation.

    Bormann said Mueller was acting suspiciously, and police asked him to step out of the car. A drug dog from the Westmont Police Department was called out to assist in the incident.

    “In the center console (of Mueller’s car, police) found cannabis as well as the Vicodin,” Bormann said. Police said Mueller had 59 Vicodin pills and 29 grams of marijuana in his possession.

    He was charged with possession with the intent to deliver a controlled substance and possession of marijuana.
    —-

    It’s like finding out there is no Santa Claus.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, December 30, 2008

    Reader Mail: Norway Hott/Bag


    Anita writes in from Norway:


    Hi,


    just came across your legendary site and felt I had to contribute to all the douchery! 

    This is some pictures gathered from the semi-celebrity Natalie Sæther’s (Norway) facebook-profile. I’m sure you will find plenty more HCwDB if you have access to her profile.

    Sincerely,
    Anita

    Wait… THE Natalie Sæther? As to the Eurodouche… he’s gotta be none other than Celebrity Toilet Brush Cleaner.

    C’mon, you know Celebrity Toilet Brush Cleaner.  It’s the one in your bathroom that gets insecure that you don’t pay enough attention to it in between toilet cleanings.
    And what exactly is an æ?
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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, December 30, 2008

    Point Break

    So four hotts in bikinis are tanning.
    Two fratchoads, sensing boobie reveal, move in from the left, making the sign-language hand gestures for “hernia” and “vomit.” 
    Nice Guy Mikey wanders in from the back, as does Pepe the Garden Hose on the right.
    Finally Point Break, sporting a Nub haircut, sees the party, is the party, and becomes the party.
    With his fresh sunglasses, Point Break takes control.
    And by takes control, I mean rubs his junk on the back of Orange Bikini’s head until she calls security.
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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, December 29, 2008

    Reader ‘Bag Tag: "The Teeth Whitener"


    ‘Bag Huntress Mo writes in with a ‘bag tag:

    —–
    Dear HCWDB,

    I recently went to Dallas to visit my brother and this guy hit on me at a goth/industrial dance club. His douchtastic dress and demeanor was really out of place there.

    He danced in front of me to impress me “i was a professional dancer”, offered a foot massage “i used to be a masseuse”, got on one knee to beg for a date and finally he offered to whiten my teeth “for free” if I went on a date with him. Apparently he works for Ismile.

    Well I knew he was a douchebag but I wanted to see just how big of a bag he was so I exchanged myspace info with him and not to my surprise I found some of the douchiest pictures I have yet to see. I’ve been visiting your site for about a year and I finally have douche worthy pictures to submit!

    Thanks
    MO
    —-

    Although he doesn’t look that douchey in this pic, offering to whiten a girl’s teeth may be the scrotiest line I’ve heard in months. It certainly trumps my offer to grout their kitchen sinks and bathtubs.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, December 29, 2008

    Jerz Ooze


    What’s that you say?

    Not enough classic HCwDB Jerz Stool and Bleethed out Hotts on the site lately? I’ve been getting too esoteric and abstract in my mocking of the scrote and lusting of the boobie hottie suckle thigh?

    Fine.

    Here ya go.

    The hotts may not be that impressive, but the bodyspray lingers like a fetid pollen cloud on deepest summer morn.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, December 29, 2008

    Vinnie, The Heterosexual Hair Stylist


    We all know that guy.

    The Heterosexual Hair Stylist. The one everyone thinks is gay, just because he ties dainty scarves round his neck, but ends up hooking up with all his assistants, like Sharona here.

    But what’s with Vinnie and Sharona hanging in a school cafeteria basement from the late 1980s?

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, December 29, 2008

    Sprouts McGee Finds an Ass Pear


    No Weekly Vote this week, as your humble narrator, the DB1, remains in semi-coherent and un-sober states of inebriation. And yes, the latter part of that statement was redundant. I blame the HoHos.

    The Weekly will return next Monday as we gear up for a new year of ‘Bag Hunting and Hott Appreciating.

    In the meantime, Sprouts McGee found an Ass Pear. And looks confused.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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