Saturday, February 28, 2009

    Ask DB1: ‘Bag Time Warp

    —-

    DB1:

    I had a truly surreal douchey-hot experience Saturday morning.

    I awoke from a Coors Light coma and decided I needed breakfast to get the day started. I grabbed the closest clothes I could find and stumbled to panera bread at about 8:45 am.


    As I walked in, the pair ordering their breakfast shocked me. It was a terrific tandem of hot and hardy bag. Normally this would have been made me laugh as it always does. but come on man! it was not even 9 and this guy was douched out to the tee with hardy gear and cologne so strong I was afraid it would reach the kitchen flames and kill us all. The lady behind me even commented on it.


    So I pose the following theoretical. Does the self absorption of the scrotaciously inclined cause a time warp? I mean I wasn’t even sure I was wearing the same shoes nor would I care that early and hungover, but this clown spent 2 hours getting ready. Through careful reading of the site hcwdb I was under the impression all douche were nocturnal given their incessant night club occupations. If this bag was out sporting his hot in one arm and a bottle of Goose on the other the night before how could he look like he had to give his induction speech into the Hall of Scrote that morning (which part of Jersey is the ground breaking in by the way?)


    Could it be bags don’t even sleep for sake they miss one minute of tanning, sequin shirt shopping, and quite possibly waxing? A self absorption black hole causing time to bend perhaps?


    Let me know your thoughts.

    Snarky
    —-

    You witnessed what scrotologists term a “Spectral Douche Echo,” the moment when visual grease-stains on the space/time continuum begin to refract and overlap from sheer four-dimensional scrotal pull.

    Do not be alarmed when such visual imprints from the previous night’s trauma return as a specter of haunting. Simply shout “boo!” Then pee on the Cheetos and run out of the store screaming the lyrics to Thundercats.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, February 27, 2009

    Friday Thoughts and Links


    As I contemplate Jason Giambibag’s macking on brunette bartenders, my thoughts go from boobies to Cabury Creme Eggs.

    Cadbury Creme Eggs are pure liquid crack. Like licking the nectarine sweat-water wrung out of a towel after mopping the perspiring boob of a spectral post-Stairmaster Jessica Biel.

    I love them so. Chocolate creaminess and sugary sugar yolk.

    I would buy one at the store, just for the chance to well, consume it after unwrapping it.

    Here’s your Friday Links:

    First off, it’s been an intense HCwDB week with some truly spectacular combos of hott/douche. So here’s your reward. Have some Ass Pear.

    Crimson Ted busts the “Feral Celtic”

    The Ex-Mr. Sharon Stone, Phil Bronstein, gives HCwDB a shout-out in a column at the Huffington Post. We’s raunchy.

    Sports Illustrated beauty Adriana Lima marries 1970s porn-star Marko Jaric.

    Holly Madison makes Criss Angel’s peen disappear.

    Nub goes shopping for discount shorts.

    Voor Marnix en zn zelf bruinende oliën!

    Kevin Rudolf making a push for Douchiest Band of the Year at the 2009 Douchie Awards.

    And finally, courtesy of Reader Mike, the somewhat disturbing: Poo Dog.

    Your narrator, the DB1, is slightly drunk, full of sugary breakfast cereal and tasty Hostess snack treats, and ready to spend an evening wandering the streets and waxing philosophic on the eternal gender entanglement.

    May your weekend be fruitful and fermented. May all your hotties be bouncy, and all your ‘bags mocked until they retire in shame.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, February 27, 2009

    Where’s Waldouche?


    Somewhere in this pic of Tri-Hott Car Girls, I’ve carefully hidden a greased up sportscoat Waldouche.

    Look closely.

    Can you find him?

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, February 27, 2009

    Ask DB1: Over 40

    —-
    Hi,

    If I am over fourty and routinely date twentysomethings am I automatically a douchebag? Just wondering.

    Thank you,

    B, PhD
    —-

    Not automatically, but if you get over feifty, then I’d be worried.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, February 27, 2009

    Friday Haiku


    Emo Ralph glares, pouts.
    Curvy backed hott embraces,
    Philosophy dies.

    Bleethed-out bulldog dyke
    Embraces tender blonde hott
    Jimmy eats her world.

    - Crucial Head

    “Goodbye Horses” plays…
    He dances to a mirror
    And tucks in his junk.
    - Boatbutter

    Emo is his life
    Maybe he should cut deeper
    Holly will move on.

    - Arch Douche of Bagbury

    I’d nibble that calf
    Hell, I’d nibble a cow’s calf
    to see her boobies

    - IdahoHottPotato

    consideration:
    use it before you lose it
    Raspberry Rogain

    - Dimples

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, February 27, 2009

    Scro Tep


    Watching the legendary Egyptian God of bodyspray, ScroTep, return to earth after a transmat device on Mars was triggered by the Doctor, and mug sweet innocent Boobie Suckle Betty, is definitely a lost episode I can never unsee.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, February 26, 2009

    The Swirlwind


    Like a cyclone of grease, a tornado of sleaze, The Swirlwind blows into town and latches onto any nearby Party Girls with the sonar targeting of complex hair fractility.

    I do not gotta have faith, Sherlyn. Except in those tighty-tight shorts.

    Which almost make up for sperm-tatts and rosarie beads on your man handler.

    Almost.

    But not quite.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, February 26, 2009

    Chico’s Tatt


    So, presumably, Chico here has tattooed his mother and father on his left pec.

    My question is this: Is the nipple an intentional, perhaps metaphorical, part of the meta-design?

    I notice it lines up directly with his mother’s stomach area. Is Chico commenting on the cyclical nature of reproduction by allowing his nipple to serve as metaphor for his mother’s umbilicus? How would post-structuralist second-wave feminist psychoanalysists parse this location of nipple within projection of parental inscription as corporeal signifier?

    And more importantly, is Maria’s tongue the cutest, pinkest little suckle tongue this side of the legend of the “Suckle Tongues of Madagascar”?

    Poor Ubiquitous Red Cups.

    Even they can’t understand the DB1′s babbling on this Thursday.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, February 26, 2009

    Ask DB1: Night of the Living Hardys

    —-
    Dear DB1,

    I have a question that maybe you’ve been asked before but maybe you could help me find an answer.

    While on my morning commute, I was overwhelmed by the sight of a walking Ed Hardy ad. I’m talking the whole nine yards. Hat, oversized hoodie, bedazzled jeans and terrible terrible shoes. I’m guessing he couldn’t afford to buy a car what with his clothing costing him a small fortune and he sat down across from me on the bus. His eyebrows were more sculpted then mine and he had the permanent pout, it was ridiculous. A true douchebag by every meaning of the word.

    What was the most annoying though, was that he was blasting his music and bobbing up and down to the beat. Being as I was right across from him I could make out the music quite well. My question is this since there is clearly signs of being a douchebag like clothing, is there such a thing as ‘bagTunes? Music that a douchebag would love? And if so, how come the rest of us are exempt, or are we?

    Keep up the great work,

    ~Sarah
    —-

    ‘bagTunes, a subsidiary of iTunes, is launching its Beta version at Ed Hardy kiosks in malls across America in March. Look for collars to begin popping with delight shortly thereafter.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, February 26, 2009

    Poo


    Some days I just should’ve stayed in bed.

    Via DListed.com.

    EDIT: The readers step up for the tag:

    Butch Cassidy and the Douched out Kids: here

    Axius Duchius Maximus: here.

    Mr. White: here

    Boatbutter: here

    Douchille Bag’Neil: here

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    # posted by douchebag1
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