Tuesday, March 31, 2009

    Scrotal Aura #624


    Here’s yet another classic example of “Scrotal Aura.”

    A dude who, other than a strange hair-loss pattern and a d-neck t-shirt, really hasn’t committed any cardinal sins of choadwankery.

    Yet something about his smug armlock of Susan eminates the taint of a thousand unwashed ballsacks. He is more than the sum of his parts. And by sum, I mean taint. And by parts, I mean balls.

    Susan is perky, tiny, firm and delicious. She’s not our classic model type, but there is accountant-in-the-next-cubicle goodness with a dash of wild-side that is all sorts of happy pants screaming “Yayyyy!” on the short bus goodness.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, March 31, 2009

    Ask DB1: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

    —–
    DB1-

    I was watching the Colbert Report this evening as per usual, and they had a guest who was discussing Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). As she described the symptoms of the disorder, I couldn’t help but think, “Wow, that sounds a lot like a douchebag!”

    So I dug deeper to find the wikipedia page describing NPD, and sure enough the title of the article could have been “Douchebags.” Could this disorder be caused by the Grieco Virus?

    Here is the link to the wikipedia article for your convenience: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

    Sincerely,
    left4douche

    —-

    Douchebaggery’s disorder is actually a distant cousin of NPD, left4douche. The medical community generally refers to it as “Scrotal Personality Taint Disorder,” and it differs from NPD in one crucial respect: It is performative based. A learned behavior. A simulation if you will. That smells like a collegiate locker room’s sweatsock taint.

    As such, treatment is generally recommended to be internet mocking based, or else a swift kick to the nads.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, March 31, 2009

    Robobag


    Oh, Pilar. You sweet Brazilian minx. You have delightful teeth and a perky nose. All you wanted to do is come to America and sample our fine array of tasty cola beverages.

    But instead a square chinned Robodouche with name-brand cap is mugging your personal space.

    On behalf of Americans everywhere, I apologize. He is the Conquistador of anti-culture. The Montezuma’s Revenge of ruptive scrote.

    Please do not play “just the tip” in a couple of hours. It will end badly, and Carnivale will never be the same.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, March 31, 2009

    The Primitive Marsupial


    Not since those first primitive marsupial ancestors of our crawled out from the fjords and across the Adriondacks to seek out a mate by shouting “Yo, wassup? You work out?” have we seen such primitive scrotewankery.

    Millions of years of evolution later.

    Now the Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh shouts “wooo!!”

    And she’s approached by billboards of a culture gone scrote. Who armlock her. And say “Yo.”

    “Wassup? You work out?”

    But, on the bright side, we did invent bikinis.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, March 31, 2009

    Reader Mail: Britbags


    Leonardo Douche Vinci writes in from England:

    —-
    Hello,

    I love your site and have been enjoying it for a couple of years now. I want to give back to the community.

    These are by no means as douchey as your american breeds, who must have evolved on a high protein and poo diet after the puritan exodus, our douchebags have to survive in a far more subtle fashion. However you can see they still have the classic “hat tilt” mating signal that clear signifies them as the classic Douchebaggus Maximus we all know and deride.

    Yours Sincerely,
    Leonardo Douche Vinci

    —-

    The thing about the weak, inbred looking British chin, like we see here on Flock of Britgulls, is that I’m never sure if a dude is British or a twelve year old pygmy.

    I do love Sally Jones, in all her uptight sexually repressed and vitamin-c deficiencies. I would read her Jacobian tragedies by candlelight, then hump her ankles while singing Monty Python’s “Every Sperm Is Sacred” in a fey, falsetto voice.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, March 31, 2009

    The Doobie Brother


    Nothing says “Rasta Gangsta” in suburban Skokie quite like Jared tha Pimp.

    Kimmy is delightful, cherubic, and way too happy to be embracing this Doobage of minimal future employment.

    Yet stylin’ wall artwork.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, March 30, 2009

    Greazy-E


    Greazy-E knows what’s up.

    And what’s up is when you pose with a cherubic blonde uberhott for your MySpace mainpage, make sure your shaved abs are properly greased for maximum photogenic effect.

    Otherwise people might question what an inflated headwound Musclebag is doing with a lamb suckle of that quality.

    Distract ‘em with the abs, Greazy. And they’ll never know what hit ‘em.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, March 30, 2009

    Jean Jacket Jerry and Cheryl

    Jean Jacket Jerry is all sorts of Phish listening Bennington attending ball-kicking assclownery.

    Cheryl is a leading cause of global warming. In my pants.

    And if that joke was lame, it is lame only because Cheryl is so hott that higher brain function in the area that leads to clever puns and alliterative euphemisms breaks down in a Mad Cowian way in her presence.

    I would marinate myself in a giant vat of Bosco chocolate syrup and pickle brine for thirty-six straight hours wearing only flip-flops and a small loin cloth just for the chance to awkwardly sniff her abandoned pleather sofa from her sophomore year dorm common room.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, March 30, 2009

    Tighty Armani Knows What’s Up


    2008 HCwDB of the Year Finalist, Tighty Armani, has brought along his tight Armani/Exchange shirt, Ubiquitous Red Cups, two tiny Long Island Jenny Cutes, and his Posse of b-list clowns, to vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

    T.A. has voted.

    Have you?

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, March 30, 2009

    HCwDB of the Week

    This week’s Weekly and next week’s Weekly may seem like we’re simply looking to fill up the last two spots to lose to Crosshair McJohnson and Leia in the next Monthly.

    But it is a done deal? Are Crosshair’s frosted tips and Leia’s Latino Princesses a “sure thing”? You’re not safe yet, Crosshair. These three gumbys are gunning to take you on.

    HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Doughboy and Gidget

    The strange camera angle.

    The “straight from Long Beach” gangsta pud.

    The hot 1950s “Naughty Housewife” in leopard bikini with pink trim.

    The tiny, clear cup of either 1) Urine, 2) liquid amber or 3) Budweiser, the Piss of Beers.

    Doughboy is classic West Coast stage-3 infectuous Douchery. Granted, no hand gestures. But the kissy lips and full body dough-tatt tell you all you need to know.

    Gidget makes my warm lower regions get warmer. She is bodice ripping goodness. Sweet sweet cans.

    I touched her cans.

    Her sweet, sweet cans.

    HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Ass Pear and Douchehead

    For bringing in some 19th Century Germanic folklore in their first appearance, this horrible tale of teenage hormones gone wrong in a cold and civil society brings important historical artifact.

    And by artifact I mean those butts are both art, and fact.

    There is a certainty to their glutteous roundness that we must locate outside of the simulacrum. That grounds us in “the real.”

    It is not our psyche that projects those butt bongos. It is outside of our subjectivity. For they are boingy.

    And Douchehead is all that is punchworthy about giant mandanas and facial pubes.

    I’d curse his ancestors in Gaelic, then pee on his Saab in the parking lot.

    HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Blenderboy

    Featuring the uber-annoying beanie propellor douche-hair, Blenderboy rankles on a number of levels.

    The stupid sleve-tatts.

    The scrotal chin-pubes, apparently dyed black.

    The lime-green shirt that screams “Nerd Punk.”

    And Fanny Brice calls for flesh pinching.

    I would do naughty things to her old pair of Crocs, which she doesn’t wear anymore because they’re not in style.

    Then I would read her passages from an excellent biography on Benjamin Disraeli until she grew bored and turned on “From Gs to Gents.”

    So them’s your three.

    And three must become one.

    And no slacking. I’m looking at you, Kevin in Mississippi and Cheryl in Arlington. Step up and vote.

    Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

    # posted by douchebag1
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