Sunday, May 31, 2009

    Guido Beach

    I ran this when it first debuted on YouTube, but then it got pulled. And now it’s back. So why not run it again? The last minute is sheer genius.

    Settle in and enjoy a classic from the heart of the Jerz Guid, that, like Beetlejuice says about The Exorcist, gets funnier each time I watch it.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, May 30, 2009

    Ass Pear in Chains


    This is a rather buttiforous pic for a Saturday.

    But if you stare at it long enough, the composition begins to argue for an aesthetic artistic grace that is both profound and critically complex.

    Ass Pear in Chains is both a celebration of the universalized tropes of abstract sexuality at the same moment it functions as a piercing critique of the enforced limitations of contemporary cultural habit. The framing formalizes the female body through intense gender stylization while critiquing the masculine gaze enforced and ruptured through the display of the female ass in the foreground. By hiding the female’s face while emphasizing the chain across her butt cheeks, Ass Pear in Chains operates as a critical social deconstruction of the limitations imposed by culturally dictated mores of sexual freedom.

    The negative space on the left forces us to reconsider the female torso as alienized and abstract, a critique of gender and body. The background display of water and densely packed bodies function as pastiche of celebratory echo. The anonymous faces of our primary couple, shielded by douche-cap, suggest innocent, idealized youthful abstract amidst the forced objects of sexualized display.

    Perhaps we should consider including “Ass Pear in Chains” as part of the HCwDB multimedia installation exhibit at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023, when my genius for reconfiguring image, gender and sexuality via simulacra in the age of spectacle is finally recognized by the academy.

    “We are strange beings, we seem to go free, but we go in chains. Chains of training, custom, convention, association, environment – in a word, Circumstance – and against these bonds the strongest of us struggle in vain.”

    – Mark Twain

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, May 30, 2009

    Luigi the Scroteface


    After a heavy night of drinking, Luigi’s scrunchy face feels like your humble narrator’s head.

    Oh Jerz Hott on the right. You resemble the bitchy girl in Teen Wolf, and so for that, I would perform a cameo in the high school production of Gone With the Wind.

    But only as myself. Not as The Wolf.

    Because if the 1980s taught us anything, it’s that we have to be ourselves. After we pretend to be someone else, drive expensive cars, wear nice clothes, and bang the hot bitchy chicks. Then, we can be ourselves.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, May 29, 2009

    Friday Thoughts and Links


    While the spectacle of the uberscrote will always deserve mock, let us not forget the passive “everybag” taint as we meditate and ruminate on this Friday afternoon.

    These are the real Grieco Virus carriers of our time. Not just the mohawked DJ entertainers who get paid by the pud. The everyday wankstars. The average scroads who grab hott and sneer. For it is they who smell like monkey feces.

    Here are your Friday links:

    Congrats to Hall of Scrote legend Velveeta ‘Bag for breaking into the big time with his upcoming role in the remake of Land of the Lost.

    If fairytales featured douchebags, the results may have been different.

    Watch the boobies bounce. Choose your cup size and you’re off to the races.

    Noted football uberscrote Jeremy Shockey visits Douche Mecca, passes out.

    In basketball, the greasy “Birdman” in Denver infects his fans with the scrote virus. And speaking of the Denver Nuggets, why does their logo resemble the fascist symbol in Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”?

    And moving over to baseball, George Brett is a Wonderful Storyteller. Who’s the pitchers in this game?

    Hot Chicks with Stormtroopers.

    Rural trashbag robs local Wal-Mart for twelve dollars worth of Axe Bodyspray. Busted for drugs, carrying a hand gun and “a 12-ounce bottle of Axe shower gel, according to police.” Of course.

    Speaking of Axe, Southhampton Gets the Axe. It’s stories like that that make me feel like we’re losing the war.

    And, for all of your waiting, here’s your Friday Ass Pear. It’s like a warm, glazed, Thanksgiving ham.

    Go forth and celebrate, ‘bag hunters, huntresses and assorted boobie hotties. Your week was productive. And alcohol awaits.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, May 29, 2009

    Ask DB1: Should HCwDB Be Taught in Kindergarten?

    —-
    DB1,

    I have a son who’s beginning Kindergarten later this year, and I don’t know whether to include HCwDB in his curriculum.

    Mind you, I’m not concerned with how developmentally appropriate your site is for a child his age. Rather, I have my doubts as to whether or not his brain can truly grasp the matter at hand.

    Can a five-year-old navigate this sea of scrotal antimony?

    Yours,
    Marc du Choad

    —-

    No age is too young to begin training the art of douchal purge in the young male, and the art of douche mocking in the young female.

    Ours is a generational battle. A call to arms. As the great German philosopher Jurgen Habermas once wrote: “The negotiation of power relations between dominant and subordinate in the public sphere require douche mocking and boobie lusting for true ideological revolution.”

    Don’t mess with Jurgen. He knew what was up.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, May 29, 2009

    The Boatbag Connection


    As Plato once asked his disciples to consider, so must we:

    Which came first? The boat? Or the ‘bag?

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, May 29, 2009

    Friday Haiku


    Grey Goose and Red Bull,
    Fuels tiny Chiquita hott,
    And Teddy the ‘Tard.

    If she drinks all that
    Her blood alc. will be point-eight.
    Kill the pain, wee Bleeth.

    – Mr. White

    Red Bull gives you wings
    Grey Goose gives you douchitude
    Bleeth gives you the clap

    – Father Guido Sardouchey

    Please, Jules Winnfield, quote
    Ezekiel twenty-five:
    seventeen; shoot douche

    – Anonymous

    Tiny latin lass
    Please beat Matthew Lillard’s ass
    Bell rings- back to class

    – J-Pompous

    I want little Hott
    Greg Brady’s Tiki Idol
    Surfer Douche must find

    – Anonymous

    Ezekial 25:
    17 Lay down vengeance to
    this Douchebag and Bleeth

    – JoMama

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, May 28, 2009

    "His Sister Shaves It" by Jess

    PIC DELETED

    Reader Jess writes in with a rant about her douchey ex-boyfriend. I’ve rearranged the email structurally (but left it unedited) to create a form of outsider art poetry:

    ————–
    “His Sister Shaves It”
    by Jess

    I think these photos speak for themselves.
    This guy is a complete douche.
    Wouldnt even have sex.
    Shaved his back constantly, and slept with neosporin on his face everynight.
    Farted when he DID have sex.
    Farted when he ate.
    Farted when he slept.
    farted.
    Drove like an asshole.
    Punched his sister in the ass.
    Makes NO money at age 27 and lives at home complaining about the generic brand of toilet paper his father buys.
    Goes to the gym everyday but somehow gets fatter!!!!
    his mother still wipes his ass.
    His sister shaves it.
    Please, I beg of you, put this up. I have been a fan of your site for a while and think youre a genious!

    Yours truly,
    Jess
    —-

    Cool, daddio. I’m hep to that.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, May 28, 2009

    Ken and Barbie: The Scrote Years

    PIC DELETED

    I know Mattel’s trying to stay in the game, what with the Bratz dolls and all, but I still don’t see this update catching on.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, May 28, 2009

    Stage-1 ‘Bagling? Or Stage-2?


    Kevin the Party Pud is pretty low down on the douchal scale.

    Sure he’s jumped into a gaggle of Woo Hotties who are doing their best to ignore him. But seriously. Does Kevin really rankle?

    Sure he’s got a silly camo hat. And a hang gesture. And he drinks Keystone when PBR is just as cheap and plentiful.

    But wait… is that “chin strap”?

    I’m going stage-2.

    And I see each of you, Polkadot Bikini Baby Hotties. I will playfully tweak your ear, then run and hide. But you won’t come looking for me. So I’ll go home and watch TiVo’d Breaking Bad. And eat Malomars. And tell my roommate you weren’t that hot anyway, and I don’t care.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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