Friday, July 31, 2009

    Friday Thoughts and Links


    A few points of order as The ‘Stachebagger gears up for Monday’s HCwDB of the Week.

    This weekend, when I lose the hangover, I’ll be moving Bucky’s Kathy Hott to her well earned place in the Hall of Hott, and bumping Cheeto Man straight to the Closet of Poo.

    Both have earned it through hard work, academic study, and lots of Red Bull.

    Here’s your Friday Links:

    This Ed Hardy Recipe Card is pretty accurate.

    What recession? The Hamptonsbags are still partying.

    Darwin at work.

    “In my vagina two times he bites me!” But his teeths are very small.

    My book is a guilty pleasure on Planet Tralfamador.

    The HCwDB Wedding Ceremony? I actually think it was pretty hilarious. Here’s a Nottadouche and may it last more than five years (although I’m taking the under).

    Facebag.

    No matter what level of cool I achieve in life, I will never be Steve Buscemi in “New York Stories.”

    And because I care deeply for your mental health after so many unholy hottie/scrotey couplings, here ya go, award winning Ass Pear.

    Sail on silver girl.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, July 31, 2009

    Smoot Operator


    Your humble narrator is pensive on this foggy Friday morn.

    Maybe it was too many bottles of Thunderbird last night, as I wandered delirious and confused after an angry philosophical debate with a mongoose who favored Nietzsche over Kinky Friedman. Stupid mongoose.

    Maybe it was that extra package of Hostess Fruit Pie that I knew I should skip, but which called to me at 2am with its processed imitation fruit fruity goodness.

    But this morning, after I milked the alpacas, fondled the goats and fed the gila monsters I’m raising for pelt, I had to wonder.

    Is the silly cartoon belt buckle the new signifier of cartoonish transformation of masculinity? Do doofy skullz create “post-human?”

    In the age of the Hardy Plague, is it the simple adornment of this new form of “crotch signifier” that communicates the power of the masculine ass pear fondlage?

    I know not.

    So I chaw some more original bubble gum flavor “Big League Chew.” For that always helps my ruminations coagulate.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, July 31, 2009

    Ask DB1: "The Murse"


    —-
    Hey DB1,

    I live in Vancouver which is sometimes referred to as “hollywood north” so while Van isn’t the douche epicenter that LA is, we do get our fair share.

    I cant help but notice that, along with ed hardy/affliction/true religion jeans/etc many douchescrotes are fond of the man purse or “murse”. Basically a fanny pack wrapped around your torso that costs $800.

    This falls right into line, along with manscaping, guyliner, tight-ass ts, piercings and accessorizing traits that the douche manifests.

    Do you concur that “Murse” equals autodouche???

    – Joe DoucheBaggio.
    —-

    Q.E.D. good sir. Quod Erat Douchemonstrandum.

    Well argued, and we will add the Murse to the list of douchetributes to be tracked as we prep for the impending Ed Hardy Scrotocalypse in 2010.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, July 31, 2009

    Friday Haiku


    Nintendo time, kids,
    “Super ‘Baggio’s World: Poo,”
    Princess Peach, jump high!

    Vatican reveals
    Nun and Priest makeover show
    Brought by Ed Hardy

    – Jean Claude Van Douche

    Frosted tipped douchebag
    Cut on arm not deep enough
    Next time slice clean through

    - Justin

    Smells like Ed Hardy
    Only one getting close is
    Paid To Pose Hott….Boobs!

    – Dunkin Scrotenuts

    Steroid injections,
    Tanning Bed, breast implants, bling…
    Still feel dead inside

    - Anonymous

    Wears a woman’s blouse
    Arms like cellophane wrapped hams
    Bleeth wants her shirt back

    – HusslinHoosier

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 30, 2009

    Classic ‘Bag Sandwich #45: The "Double Doucher"


    A tasty serving of boobie hottie suckle thigh roasted lightly in olive oil, then sandwiched between two slices of poomento loaf.

    I call it The Double Doucher.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 30, 2009

    Caption This Pic


    Chad believed in a more literal approach to getting through to Danielle.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 30, 2009

    Ask DB1: Why the Lack of Brothabags?

    —-
    DB1,

    Speaking of Chris Brown (a huge douche any way you slice it), why do you give so many Brothabags a “nottadouche” pass? You barely feature any on the site as it is. Surely in this world, douchebags come in all shapes and sizes. Why the lack of Brothabags?

    – I, Douchebot
    —————

    Here’s the thing about Brothabags, Douchebot. It’s not that I don’t want to post more Afro-Douchemericans on the site, as I believe wankscrotery cuts across all racial, national and ethnic lines and is a global plague that should be mocked in all of its forms. I simply don’t get enough good brothabag pics to run in the mix.

    Secondly, the classic douchebag iconography tends to be white suburban poseurs living off their parents while trying to act “gangsta.” Brothabags rarely make the stupid faux-hair, facial fung patterns and really silly hand gestures that are the main markers of ‘bag.

    With exceptions, of course, as we see here with the extremely douchey Brothabag Phil.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 30, 2009

    Super Baggio Brother


    Heavy is the crotch that wears the crown.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 30, 2009

    Category: "Shirts"


    He’ll take shirts for $600 dollars, Alex.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, July 29, 2009

    Reader Mail: Chris Brown is a Douche


    —-
    Hello DB1!!

    I’m relatively new to the site, but I just thought I’d drop you a line and let you know that I think it’s utterly effing GENIUS, and also to make a suggestion.

    I think you should make a blog about Chris Brown for going all Ike Turner on that beautiful little flower of suckle thigh, Rihanna. Any “man” who beats up on a woman automatically qualifies as douche, especially when you do it in the public eye, no less.

    Thanks for your time, DB1, as I know that the verbal smackdown of the scrote is a time consuming job :) Love & Kisses from The Hell-Mouth (Staten Island)

    –Frances
    —-

    I grant you that Chris Brown is a douche, Francis, but it’s important to remember that physical abuse goes beyond the realm of douchebaggery and into the land of assholery.

    Douchebaggery tends to be nonviolent. A collection of aesthetic violations and clueless poseur buffoonery. That’s why I haven’t featured the dumbass Chris Brown to date. But I agree, he qualifies for douche status for silly sneaker alone.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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