Wednesday, September 30, 2009

    Marsha’s Crab Sandwich

    PIC DELETED

    Ever get the sense Marsha can’t leave the house without getting crushed by oiled up guiberdopes?

    Yeah, “guiberdope” isn’t a word. I just made it up. But man, if that don’t sum up these motorheads, then I don’t know what for.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, September 30, 2009

    Ask DB1: The Bluetoothbag

    —–
    DB1-

    I was at a local gas station a while back and saw a douchemobile come up to the next pump.

    A low-riding, neon-light lit, subwoofer thumpin little piece 4 cylider of some sort. I chuckle to myself as I watch some tall, skinning dude in a baby-blue doucheketball outfit with gold chains and hat tilt strut to the pump.

    Now, if this was not enough to earn a douche tag, as we fill up, walkin the station and stand in line to pay, I notice he has not one but two blue tooth headsets on, one in each ear.

    Would said douchewank have earned a douche based only on the dual bluetooths? I wish I would have had my phone handy, I would have snapped a picture.

    Keep on douchin’ it up, DB1,

    sincerely,
    – Minnescrota

    —-

    Bluetoothbaggery is almost certainly an automatic stage-2 ‘bag violation. Even the name. “Bluetooth.” It sounds like Ed Hardy’s latest line of douche vodkas. If you are not at work, and do not suffer from paralysis of the arms, you can lift a damn phone to your ear.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, September 30, 2009

    Authentic Mo’


    We’ve seen so many douchey fauxhawks and designer Mo’s, we almost need to respek the true full-on 100% Mo Hawk.

    So I’ll give it up to Hexa-Head here.

    Hell, I’m feeling generous.

    I’m giving him a nottadouche. The dude is having fun with his lady without grabbing her roughly, there’s no silly facial pubes and hand gestures, and his punk vibe has commitment. He seems real.

    Sure the style went out in the mid 80s. But call me nuts, maybe I had too many bowls of Corn Pops, but I’m defending this guy. nottadouche.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, September 30, 2009

    The Nozz Celebrates


    The Nozz and Francine wanted to celebrate their win in the Weekly as only they can.

    With Francine smiling innocently, and the Nozz doing some ass fondle.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, September 30, 2009

    HCwDB of the Week: Mack the Nozzle and Francine


    Hucky Sheen put up a valiant fight, almost taking the prize, but the Nozz brought too many necktatts, and Francine’s uberhottness, to ride to the win. And by win, I mean cultural loss.

    Don’t forget Nozzle’s run in pics 2, pic 3 and pic 4. The voters speak:

    TracieO: Mack the Nozzle FTW. This unholy coupling of douchiest douche and hottest hott makes me mourn the death of civilization and all that we have lost as a species.

    Boatbutter: I have to go with Mack the Nozzle since he’s spent his royalties as an elf extra in Lord of the Rings so poorly.

    Deutschbag: the clown tatt under the eye makes me seethe with rage. a rage that, when coupled with my unrequited lust for francine, can only be exorcised by buying puppies in bulk from the animal shelter and lobbing them into the shark tank at my local aquarium.

    2Douchetacular: Poor sweet oh so suckable Francine she hasn’t yet realized that some people are just born dumb!! They can’t help it and we can’t help them, it’s just something they’re cursed with…Cursed right down to the sub-atomic monstrosity from which they manifested! Namely, Inert Poo nozzle we aptly call Mack!

    Franklin Delano Doucheifelt: To ink Die on your neck and lizard toes above and below your eyes, shows a strong commitment to this site and to minimum wage.

    Mr. Bungle: Mack the Nozzle and Francine get my vote this week. He reminds me of what Spencer Pratt will look like when he inevitably goes to jail for some sort of sexual misconduct charge.

    Bag that Ass Up: But I have to give the nod to Mack the Nozzle, because 1) he has shown his lifetime commitment to bagocity by tattooing his face and neck; and 2) his hott makes Hucky’s hott look like a man.

    Douche N Dallas: Francine, we understand you’re still mad at daddy but Mack may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and daddy will have to go change the will.

    TeddyKGB: The Nozzle has facial tattoos around his eye! That surely trumps guyliner. Permanent marks of douchery upon the visage= Hall of Scrote. Fight or Die tatted on the neck= Weekly AND Monthly winner. Mack and Francine= Contender for the yearly.

    Mike: He’s just a golem of disjointed cultural mishmash, an intellectual dead end. He also reminds me of Keith Flynt, in that I’d like to beat both of them with a crowbar.

    jonezy: francine probably smells as good as she looks. unless she is near mack. then she smells like regret.

    scrotum pole: Francine is sweetness and purity. She may be just little naughty at times, but there’s no way to justify this. Mack is fecal matter personified. Bad tatoo choices aside, Mack brings the added feature of an infectious bacteria eating away his tongue. Even after treatments with Lysol and Clorox, followed by a thirty minute session with a belt sander, I wouldn’t let him use my cell phone. Why Francine, why?

    Why indeed, SP? Francine is indeed purity of essence. And as Mandrake warned us, we must preserve our Purity of Essence. Excellent work, ‘bag hunters and huntresses. This was a worthy tag. But in a noteworthy performance that suggests we’ll see his choady ass nominated at the 2009 Douchie Awards, Hucky Sheen brought the pain:

    Anonymous: Hucky Sheen FTW, by far. There is an air of metrosexual faux punk about him that makes me want to punch myself in the crotch.

    Captain Bringdown: Hucky brings all the mental firepower of Rain Man running on a single hemisphere and the physique of a malnourished bandicoot crossed with a gender-confused parrot with an advanced case of psoriasis. And still Candy deigns to smush her delectable breasts against the vile hollowness of his sunken chest. The injustice makes me want to reach into the picture and pull his kidneys out from behind.

    Poultry Turd: Hucky Sheen.I just hope his skin condition is not contagious.

    The Donger: The earlier pic of him getting licked and inducing my gag reflex gets him in, but the fact that he is wearing capri pants to show off his 89 cent blue light special K-mart tube socks gets him the win.

    Hot Buttered Poopcorn: I have used each picture to the benefit of my health and I can safely say that I have extremely clean and healthy bowels now. When it comes down to the wire, Hucky’s tattoo of his favourite t-shirt graphic on his chest makes my sphincter want to spit out all of my internal organs. Therefore, I am voting for him.

    manimal: Scroetic Justice would surely be served if ole Huck Finn and Jim had a chance to quietly drown him in the darkness, with no remorse in their otherwise compassionate hearts. Preferably by repeatedly deep-water-boarding this skanky poseur from the back of their Jersey Rigged Mississippi Raft…

    Nicely played manimal, a little Samuel Clemens never hurt a Weekly thread. And in a solid third place, with significant support, Guyliner Gary and Barbie Cara:

    Maurice Sendouche: Gary because Mack seems true to himself which though more douchie is also less douchie. Mack is douchiness gone wild (or wildness gone douchie) – the noble savage of the douche jungle. Gary is a weak weekend wannabe douchebag who is riding the doucherails that Fishslap, Wheatstalks and the Ab Lobster worked so hard to lay down to the land of inexplicably moronic hotts. Gary ftw (l).

    HusslinHooser: I’m voting for guyliner. Any man that would paint his eyes like an Egyptian man whore just to taste some bleeth herpes deserves a kick in the balls and a weekly.

    “Lesbian Thermos” Ernie Tubesock: I hate Guyliner Gary with the hatred of a thousand wombats during feeding season.

    Don’t ‘bag me, bro: I vote for Guyliner Gary and Barbie, may the roots of their respective family trees be torn up and burned on the 4th of July.

    Indeed, were it only so that Guyliner could be stopped in all of its non-performative forms. But we turn it over to Sluggo to take us home:

    Mack the Nozzle for the win, and for no other reason but this: When he’s macking on some unsuspecting girl and he goes, “I’m a celebrity,” she can reply, “No, you’re not, stupid. You won HCWDB of the week. You’re a douchebag and nothing more for the rest of your days.”

    So let it be written. So let it be done. Mack the Nozzle and Francine for the Weekly, and a well earned spot in the Monthly.

    Excellent work all around, people. Time for Corn Pops.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, September 30, 2009

    How to Beat a Douchebag at "Rock, Paper, Scissors"


    Always go with rock.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, September 29, 2009

    Tilt Tuesday


    At some point, the four-dimensional hat-tilt of the uberdouche will rupture the fabric of the space-time continuum, allowing the Time Bandits to head to ancient Rome and kill the minotaur.

    Either that, or cause inflat-a-Bleeth’s boobs to pop.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, September 29, 2009

    The Awkwardbag


    Every so often, we stumble across a douche who isn’t quite comfortable in his own skin. And by skin, I mean pink bandanas on the wrist.

    When the Persian party girls are doing the faux lesbian kissing thing and the camera’s snapping, and the goofy face comes out, you know we’re seeing an Awkwardbag in action.

    One who hasn’t fully committed to douche-sneer. But his friend with the faux-head? Superdouche.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, September 29, 2009

    Caption This Pic


    When Becky and Frank found the dead Douche Buddha, they knew the gods had turned on them once and for all. So Frank’s friend, Bobby, brought over some Miller Lite.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, September 29, 2009

    Generic Lars


    Lars has every element of generic doucherism. Which is to say not only is he a douche, but he isn’t even an original douche.

    And yes, I give points for originality in douchosity, even as I mock it.

    The frost tips. The standard issue tribal arm tatt. The inexplicable shirtlessness in a bar. The bling. The doucheface.

    Patricia is soft and slender and dazzled by Lars’s generic douchitude. Little does she know, he’s a carbon copy of a shadow of an imprint of spectral taint.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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