Saturday, October 31, 2009

    Happy Halloween!


    Boo!!

    That Kettlehead costume is spot on. Down to the single arched eyebrow and everything.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, October 31, 2009

    The 2009 Douchies

    Coming in December.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, October 30, 2009

    Friday Thoughts and Links


    To whomever first designed the flimsy, clingy, barely-there body dress that shows panties upon leg cross, may Hashem bless you and your firstborn male with many years of fertile crops and healthy goats.

    Here’s your Friday Links:

    Attention Ladies: Tone up that arm fat by jerking off a metallic cylinder.

    The start of a new NBA season means one thing: Time to start mocking the Denver Nugget uberdouche Chris Anderson.

    And some dude who plays on the Utah Jazz as well.

    Searching for a douchey Halloween costume? Here’s one approach.

    Suburban wigga gangsta poseur asshats? Learn to dance the ‘dub step.’ There is no hope for the future of civilization.

    Ironically, this Ed Hardy hoodie was the final straw that actually did kill punks dead.

    Southwest Airlines targets the greater Scottsdale, AZ market with its new campaign: ‘Bags fly free!

    The future of claymation: Angry Kid

    Douchiest Father of the Year.

    Okay. You’ve earned it. Mmmm…. balcony pear.

    Go forth, hunters and huntresses, and procreate. And if you can’t procreate, fornicate. And if you can’t fornicate, masturbate. And if you can’t masturbate, imitate Bob Goldthwait.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, October 30, 2009

    Reader Mail: In Defense of Yankee Cap

    —-
    Greetings DB1,

    I must take umbrage with your notion that the New York Yankees hat and logo have become official HCWDB “scroteassery”. I am an avid follower of your website and it pains me that you, with the wave of your mighty hand, condemned the rest of the Yankee Universe to some yet unidentifiable douche status.

    I can assure you the chicks love me even though I do not exhibit ANY douchebag characteristics BUT have been a lifelong Yankee fan and occasional “traditional” Yankee hat wearing fan. At the proper head placement and standard acceptable angle of course. Please correct this grave mistake and I will promise to mock all Yankee hat wearing douchebags that cross my path.

    - Mattingly’s ‘Stache
    —-

    Fair enough M’S, provided you don’t stray into adouchetribution upon adorning your Yankee cap. However, there is no denying that the masses of hip-hop suburban wigga wearing ass-scrotes tend to choose the 10 Degree Hat Tilt Yankee Cap as their adouchrement of choice.

    And as a ‘bag hunter dedicated to the slaying of all things douchescrote, you cannot let personal team allegiences prevent you from mocking what must be mocked.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, October 30, 2009

    He’s Got Mad Skullz!


    Yeah, whaddaya want. Clever skull puns?

    Alls I can think about is aqua blue sparkle dress shimmying in the moonlight whilst I feed her grapes and grope her buns like a homeless baker kneading street dough.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, October 30, 2009

    Friday Haiku (reset)


    Money on shirt, yo!
    Too bad none in bank, Suzy.
    But boobs are like dough.

    Filipino ‘bag?
    America good to me.
    Proud chest muffins rule!

    – Bag A

    And yet once again
    Tina is overdressed
    For Thanksgiving

    – jonezy

    Juan shows credit score.
    Bank won’t recover losses.
    Taxpayers foot bill.

    -Amerigo Vesdouchey

    Douchebag points to stars
    But I keep staring at moons
    Meanwhile, heaven weeps

    – Franklyn Dealorno Doucheifelt

    Straight from Viet Nam
    To the streets of Bakersfield
    American Dream

    – scrotum pole

    Christmas party for
    Enrique’s Lawn Mowing Co.
    Has stripper this year

    – Vin Douchal

    Lower left toddler.
    Inez sets fine example.
    Aspiring stripper.

    – AV

    Her ribcage milkbursts
    Compete for attention with
    Her deprived toddler

    – DarkSock

    baby looks for elmo,
    douche’s forehead shines like the sun
    bolt-on boobs distract me

    – Anonymous

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, October 29, 2009

    Carlos’s Redundant Point


    I speak not of the pointilism of Georges-Pierre Seurat.

    Nor, the point at the end of the chin of Mrs. Witherspoon.

    Not even do I speak of the Clovis point found in the Paleoindian period of 11,500 B.C.

    I speak only of Carlos’s redundant point.

    Because without your redundant point, Carlos, I might’ve stared at the wrong rack.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, October 29, 2009

    Spanky


    I get that The CW likes to revive old shows for the teen market like Melrose Place, but this image from Our Gang: The Teen Years is just straight up douchey.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, October 29, 2009

    Reader Mail: Contextualizing the Six Pound Watch


    —-
    DB1,

    Being somewhat of a wristwatch historian, I’d like to point out that long before douchebags were wearing six pound watches, otherwise normal outdoorsmen like myself were relying on large timepieces to get us safely to the top of the mountain and the bottom of the ocean.

    A great example of adjusting the business model to meet the needs of new customers (douchebags) with disposable income is seen with Casio. Whereas the G-Shock used to be targeted at the outdoorsman and hi-adventurer, it is now more and more seen on the wrists of orange-crush-skinned hip-hop wannabee douchebags.

    I realize this is a business decision, but this does not mean I have to let it go without comment.

    Respectfully yours,
    John Douche Passos

    —–

    Fair enough, JDP, but once an object has become denatured as part of douchal echo, it cannot be reclaimed. You must let it go, just as we say goodbye to Grey Goose, even though it is an okay enough vodka based on the quality.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, October 29, 2009

    Caption This Pic


    Francine knew that after winning the HCwDB of the Month with Mack the Nozzle, the sky was the limit. And by sky, she meant vodka. And by limit, she meant a brief career performing with the goth nightclub act, “Cirque Du Semiemployed”

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    # posted by douchebag1
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