Monday, November 30, 2009

    Reader Mail: South of the Border ‘Bags


    Rodriguez writes in:

    —-
    Greetings DB1!

    Geographically speaking, I live in the ass of Mexico.

    Somehow, Ed Hardy douchery has made all it’s way to my hometown, a small city in the Yucatan peninsula. Even though we don’t have a derogatory term for them yet, they seem to be multiplying like wet Gremlins.

    Alas, the hott is not what you’d call a hott, but keep in mind this is third world hott we’re talking about. And, if you do post this, they’ll never know. Internet here is for the royal family only.

    Greetings and congrats on your website.

    - Rodriguez

    (p.s. I am Mexican, with a sense of humor and auto-mockery)
    —-

    There is a word you can use to describe them, Rodriguez. It’s called “douchebag.”

    However, I disagree on the hott factor among Mexican Latina women. Fiery Mexican hott pockets inspire my minute man to want to partake in their border patrols, and my itinerant migrant workers definitely want to examine their produce.

    And yes, that last sentence wins the award for worst comedic analogy of the week.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, November 30, 2009

    OJ’s Imp Son Voted


    While we’re going with a Fey Orange Guy theme, here’s OJ’s Imp Son, clearly casting his vote while a number of sexy ladies (and one or two questionable ones) wonder why he isn’t paying them any attention.

    Here’s why, ladies. Imp Son has eye issues.

    But The Real OJ is having none of it, as he parties with the nice white folks who do not judge him.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, November 30, 2009

    Oompa Manilow

    Oompa Manilow and Showgirl Denise just voted in the HCwDB of the Month.

    Have you voted yet?

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, November 30, 2009

    HCwDB of the Month

    Our abbreviated HCwDB of the Month as we make our final selection for the 2009 Douchies has some surprises in store. Here’s your finalists:

    HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Wretch-a-Sketch and Jezebel

    And don’t forget Wretch Pic #2.

    The Wretchster reminds all of us of the insidiousness of the Travis Bagger look while chasing the ultra tanned zebra vixen, Jezebel.

    And, of course, baskets of tasty gourds.

    Of course, judging by the beaches in Amity, we’re gonna need a bigger boat.

    And by bigger boat, I mean someone shoot the tatt guy who won’t stop.

    Of course it’s not the tatts that make The Scribbler so annoying. It’s the oh-so-clever “Sideways Peace Sign.”

    The 45 degree hat tilt.

    And the undies poke.

    Lame.

    HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Robopud

    Robopud was an innocuous Vegasy pool choad except for two key signifiers:

    1. He demonstrates the toxic “Groin Shave Reveal,” a new ‘bag move heretofore unseen on this site until earlier this year.

    It’s not enough to shorn one’s scrotum, as Dr. Evil did in Austin Powers.

    But to actually reveal it is to climb the heights of Mt. Doucheverest.

    And, two, the power of perky brunette ass chomp and suckle thigh. They are powerful Kimmys from State School, and they are to be celebrated.

    Incidentally, Kimmy #2 is demonstrating her own form of Groin Shave Reveal on the right.

    And, proving I am a hypocrite of the highest subjectivity of gender bias, I do not complain.

    A worthy finalist.

    HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Red Tony

    What’s this???

    Its….

    No, it couldn’t be…

    Red Tony!!!

    Red Tony’s stormed the Monthly by greasing up and lifting up a brunette cutie at Jerztoberfest 2009!!

    Without winning a Weekly!!

    He’s even brought an overly developed bro to accent his red tinged douche-skin!!

    Yeah, okay, I’m filling out a premature monthly like Red Tony fills out a prescription for “enhances” in the Dominican Republic while standing next to A-Rod’s “trainer.”

    HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Kettlehead

    And what’s this???

    Kettlehead is back???

    The ‘Head will not be denied.

    Ignored and rejected for boring lack of uberdouchosity in presence of the ladies way back in January, the ‘Head has festered in our collective unconscious like a singular eyebrow.

    The ladies come and go from Kettlehead’s presence.

    But the eyebrow and uber-waxed chest never deviate.

    For consistency of douchosity in the face of hotness, the ‘Head pushed his way into the final Monthly before the 2009 Douchies.

    So them’s your four.

    Select the last of our twelve finalists for the HCwDB of the Year, which begins next week as we launch the Douchie Awards.

    Which coupling of hott and choad is most deserving?

    Vote now.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Sunday, November 29, 2009

    Straight Outta Odessa

    Yuri and Boris got mad Russian playah game!!

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, November 28, 2009

    The 2009 Douchies: Starting December 7th


    Your humble narrator is busy processing and preparing for our gala year end awards show and competition, The 2009 Douchie Awards.

    A two week festive celebration/mock of all things hottie/scrotey, as well as a voting competition to determine our final winners of the year.

    Forget the Oscars. Ignore the Emmys. Urinate on the People’s Choice Awards.

    This is where the real cultural awards are given out.

    Props to all for their suggestions/nominations, your voices have been heard. I’ve fixed the overlooked categories, adding Hottest Librarian Hott, Douchiest Tattoo and Douchiest ShamWOW Pitchman to the mix.

    There will also be a 2009 Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award, and I’m sure many of you can guess who will receive it.

    Get ready.

    The Douchies are one week away.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, November 28, 2009

    Your Saturday Facepalm


    Some days you eat the bar.

    Some days the bar eats you.

    And some days the douche in the “Dirty Beats” shirt goes home with a girl like that.

    And God smites a puppy.

    EDIT: Props to Justin, who realized this was another appearance of the Red Hot Chili Pooper, Anthony Peedis and doe-eyed Dina, from September.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, November 27, 2009

    Friday Thoughts and Links


    The “double thumbs up.” And check out the guyliner. I always knew McDonald was a douche.

    Here’s your links on Turkey Friday:

    Wondering about holiday gifts for the ‘bag who has everything? How about this?

    Speaking of holiday gifts on this “Black Friday,” Ed Hardy finally makes an appropriate product. And they’re vegan!

    Here’s a pretty funny Howard Zinn / Noam Chomsky-esque revisionist children’s play about Thanksgiving. Great, now I’m depressed.

    No, I’m not involved with this show, and wasn’t asked to be. For starters, I’d never call them guidos. They’re “Jerz Guid Pudscrotes.” Everyone knows that.

    Someone in Orlando took to Craigslist to question the premises of HCwDB. I have this problem in that the items appearing on Craigslist are neither written by Craig, nor lists.

    Speaking of douchebaguettes, Douchebaguettes on Facebook.

    A bit too long and more bizarre than funny, but Douchey-Doo!! is a pretty enjoyable cartoon rip on ‘bags.

    Okay. Since everyone’s doing silly things like “spending time with family” today rather than mocking the ‘bags, here’s your reward for being here:

    Turkey Pear. With extra thigh meat.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, November 27, 2009

    Where’s Waldouche? Chinpube Edition


    Somewhere in this pic of an extremely expensive first date hott with a cute little bump-nose, I’ve carefully hidden a chin-pube swirling hat wearing asshat.

    Look closely.

    Can you find him?

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, November 27, 2009

    Reader Mail: Enough With the Douchebaguettes


    Sarah writes in with a complaint:

    —-
    DB1,

    I’m sure you hear this a lot… but a lot of the pictures you put up unfortunately have chicks who, though technically hott, are clearly just as douchey, if not more so, than their male counterparts.

    Yet you usually fail to mention this. Such an intellectual as yourself can surely see the logical folly in excusing ‘baggy behaviour, simply because it’s exhibited by the female of the species? I think this may call for a new category: Douche Couple.

    For the HCwDBs moniker to REALLY work, the chick in the picture has to exhibit innocence, beauty and be seemingly un-orange-streaked. If she’s as douchey as him, it just looks like anyone with tits can be a loser and not get pwned for it.

    What say ye, Douche Master?
    - Sarah
    —–

    I agree that the truly toxic HCwDB pic contains exactly the alchemy you describe, Ms. Sarah. But we must also witness the Bleethed out Douchebaguette, in all her douchery, as the warning of our times.

    As to my own skills at mocking female douchitude, this is a concept I explain at length in my book, and is generally referred to as the douchadox. The moment at which boobie hottie suckle thigh calls to me, and overrides my critical faculties, preventing honest critique. This is also a sign of the ‘bag within, and represents the limitations of subjectivity. And boobies.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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