Monday, November 30, 2009

HCwDB of the Month

Our abbreviated HCwDB of the Month as we make our final selection for the 2009 Douchies has some surprises in store. Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Wretch-a-Sketch and Jezebel

And don’t forget Wretch Pic #2.

The Wretchster reminds all of us of the insidiousness of the Travis Bagger look while chasing the ultra tanned zebra vixen, Jezebel.

And, of course, baskets of tasty gourds.

Of course, judging by the beaches in Amity, we’re gonna need a bigger boat.

And by bigger boat, I mean someone shoot the tatt guy who won’t stop.

Of course it’s not the tatts that make The Scribbler so annoying. It’s the oh-so-clever “Sideways Peace Sign.”

The 45 degree hat tilt.

And the undies poke.

Lame.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Robopud

Robopud was an innocuous Vegasy pool choad except for two key signifiers:

1. He demonstrates the toxic “Groin Shave Reveal,” a new ‘bag move heretofore unseen on this site until earlier this year.

It’s not enough to shorn one’s scrotum, as Dr. Evil did in Austin Powers.

But to actually reveal it is to climb the heights of Mt. Doucheverest.

And, two, the power of perky brunette ass chomp and suckle thigh. They are powerful Kimmys from State School, and they are to be celebrated.

Incidentally, Kimmy #2 is demonstrating her own form of Groin Shave Reveal on the right.

And, proving I am a hypocrite of the highest subjectivity of gender bias, I do not complain.

A worthy finalist.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Red Tony

What’s this???

Its….

No, it couldn’t be…

Red Tony!!!

Red Tony’s stormed the Monthly by greasing up and lifting up a brunette cutie at Jerztoberfest 2009!!

Without winning a Weekly!!

He’s even brought an overly developed bro to accent his red tinged douche-skin!!

Yeah, okay, I’m filling out a premature monthly like Red Tony fills out a prescription for “enhances” in the Dominican Republic while standing next to A-Rod’s “trainer.”

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Kettlehead

And what’s this???

Kettlehead is back???

The ‘Head will not be denied.

Ignored and rejected for boring lack of uberdouchosity in presence of the ladies way back in January, the ‘Head has festered in our collective unconscious like a singular eyebrow.

The ladies come and go from Kettlehead’s presence.

But the eyebrow and uber-waxed chest never deviate.

For consistency of douchosity in the face of hotness, the ‘Head pushed his way into the final Monthly before the 2009 Douchies.

So them’s your four.

Select the last of our twelve finalists for the HCwDB of the Year, which begins next week as we launch the Douchie Awards.

Which coupling of hott and choad is most deserving?

Vote now.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars
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# posted by douchebag1
Links n' stuff:
3:18 pm November, 30 Cheesesock said...

Wretch-a-sketch has got this sewn up! Ridiculous over-tattitude, tan suckle thing hott and sideways peace sign. This picture embodies everything wrong with our modern culture. Fuck my life.

3:19 pm November, 30 Cheesesock said...

that's supposed to read "suckle thigh.."

3:23 pm November, 30 Wes said...

Wretch-a-sketch.

The other guys are scrotes, for sure, but Wretchy is the only one that I genuinely wish I could see get run over by a bus. And then see the bus stop, reverse, and run him over again while going *beep beep beep*.

3:25 pm November, 30 El Queso said...

#1.

3:26 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

I'll go with Red Tony, I'm sick of the that tattoed freak up top. He's not a douche, he's just a skate freak.

3:27 pm November, 30 Dead End said...

Wretch FTW.

That dude has royally fucked his face up being a douche. The other 3 clowns just need a dose of reality to almost be normal.

3:32 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Guys, Kettlehead!!!! WTF??!? How can K-Head not make the Yearly?!?

3:41 pm November, 30 The Desert Douchehunter said...

Um, let’s see…

Kettlehead shall remain ignored and rejected. Just a garden variety scrote. Nothing to see here – move along.

Red Tony is ridiculous, but he just doesn’t incite any rage. I actually feel sorry for the goofball since by the looks of the massive amounts of ‘roids he must be taking we know he isn’t getting it up anytime soon. Sorry meathead, you’ll have to stick to pumping yourself.

That leaves Wretch-a-Sketch and Robopud in a tight one. And by tight one, I mean I can’t stop projectile vomiting every time I see either one of them. Robopud encapsulates everything that is douche. He has the quaffed hair, the Jesus bling, the kissy lips, those oversized shades and the hideous GSR. He also gets maximum points on the hott-scale, times two.

Wretch on the other hand is just the kind of guy I want to see laying under one of the wheels of my truck when I feel a sudden thump backing out of the driveway. This clown has no reason for existing. He is unemployable, unlovable and unwatchable – sort of like an episode of The Nanny.

In the final analysis, Wretch simply doesn’t make it on the “would I kill a puppy just to use it to beat him to death with” scale. There is nothing I can do to him that he hasn’t already done to himself. And only someone as obviously blind as Jezebel is going to come within 50 feet of him.

Robopud, however, makes me want to spend days building a Rube Goldberg machine out of lumber and leftover Christmas decorations just to have it drop an anvil on his pointy head. He is the ooze that infects all that is good and decent in the world…

…and by good and decent, I mean two mega-hotts

…and boobies.

Robopud for the monthly.

3:43 pm November, 30 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Scribbler The Dead Sea Scrawl had my vote all but locked when WHAT!? Red Tony!?!?

Crispy bacon flesh, wrist bands a plenty, shirtless in public when NO ONE else is, big ass shades, presumably un-earned dog tags (props if they're the real deal…but still a douche), and most douchey, sporting an equally cripsy, equally greasy, and equally engorged bro'ner in pic after pic after pic. The Calgary Trampede will never be the same.

Red Tony FTW.

3:52 pm November, 30 JK said...

Gimme an R!
gimme an O!
gimme a B!
gimme a groin shave!

What's that spell?

ROBOPUUUUD!!!!

3:59 pm November, 30 Douche shower and shave said...

The Wretch FTW.
A win for us would be him being pounded with rusted metal.
He truly embodies suck.

4:01 pm November, 30 Joel Freeman said...

Robopud because although all finalists are wearing shades – his eyes seem to be clearly saying "fuck you".

4:16 pm November, 30 massengill said...

Are you kidding me?

Kettlehead FTW

I really don't think I should have to explain this, so I won't.

4:17 pm November, 30 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Kettlehead FTW. Why? Because his eyebrow just punched my mother in the vagina. Not cool Kettlehead, not cool.

4:19 pm November, 30 Troy Tempest said...

Kettlehead beats Red Tony, but loses to Wretchasketch and Robopud.

Therefore: which one is it?

Both are compelling. WaS is a walking disaster area. He will forever be tending bar in some dive hole. The hotts he pulls will get fatter and scarier as he also ages and bloats up. A really sad life.

Robopud has all the brass balls attitude of a true douchebag. WaS can serve me a beer. All I want Robopud to do is get the fuck away from me.

I have to vote for Robopud because his clamped down bullshit attitude lets him shit turds made of steel. WaS is trash, but Robopud is garbage.

4:24 pm November, 30 OldDog said...

Here at Casa-La-Douche we are in a quandary. Only Wretch and Robo qualify on the Ying-Yang meter. The chicks are hot and they are not. But which one is the winner?? After a couple of Flat Earth Belgian style Pale Ale's, we must conclude the Wretch is the most wretched and the winner.

4:25 pm November, 30 Scooby Douche said...

Easy. Wretch. Oh my god!

Kettle who? We ignore thee.

4:27 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Robopud has the edge on hotts…but the head is just too fucking creepy.
Kettlehead for the win!

4:30 pm November, 30 ehcuodouche said...

Red Tony is just too much a generic military pumper bag. The tags are probably real because I know too many guys like this.

And if you want Kettlehead to win DB1, you have to insert him in a week without competition, or have the teeming masses nominate him for the Douchies.

Which leaves two deserving uberscrotes, Robopud with the ab shave reveal and Travisty Douchebag with his graffiti tag skin, faux gangsta signage and hat tilt.

While wretch-a-sketch has grown on me (and by that I mean, "like a fungus"), I still got to give the nod to Robopud. Kimmy #2 is the ugly friend that makes Kimmy #1 look all the hotter, and despite WaS's tattitude, he just doesn't have the creepy uberdoucheness that Robopud brings with his ab shave reveal and the punchworthiness of the ridiculously oversized sunglasses.

He's obviously worked very hard at being a douche, while Wretch just looks like he skateboarded into a vat of toxic waste. Robopud FTW.

4:36 pm November, 30 Dr. DB said...

Robopud, Red Tony and Kettlehead can all assimilate back into society anonymously with little fall out (excepting multiple STD's). Only Wretch is a d-bag for life. And for that we shed a tear for Jezebels father. Wretch FTM.

Dr. DB

4:39 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Wretch can only pull one hott who is obviously either blind or really angry with daddy. Judging by her tats in pic 2, I think the latter is true, which is sad. Not enough for a monthly.

The other three are all capable of pulling multiple hotts, which immediately raises the ire. However, Red Tony seems just a 'roid poppin dolt and doesn't really have the "fuck you" attitude. No monthly for Tony.

Robopud and Kettlehead are both scrotacular displays of supreme douche. On the basis of douche alone, I cannot decide. There is the HC factor that cannot be ignored in this equation, though. Kettlehead is obviously capable of pulling the hotts in the night clubs. But get him in the light of day around the pool or at the beach and I think it's fail. Robopud and his "blue steel" douche stare down pulls the hotts by the pool, at the beach, in the clubs (no photo evidence, but I'm sure of it), etc. Therefore Robopud is more responsible for the bleething of the hotts and earns the monthly.

Robopud FTW.

-noobbag

4:52 pm November, 30 The Donger said...

Wretch for the Monthly. A walking Rorschach test, he is the only image to uniformly get a 100% response of "a huge douche" from exam-takers.

As for Kettlehead, man I was pulling for you to win. But when your man cleavage is bigger than the girl you are with, your smirking eyebrow won't save you.

4:54 pm November, 30 Anonne Huntress said...

Wretch-a-Sketch ftw. He has channeled the power of NASTY and scribbled it all over his body. The tattooed-on star earrings and eyebrows seal the deal. No self-respecting hot chick should get near that walking sack of shit, but alas, one did. Gross.

4:59 pm November, 30 portlandouche said...

Wretch-a-Sketch. It's not even close.

5:00 pm November, 30 David said...

Wretch and he gets my vote for the yearly too, there is just something inside me that screams run this clown down with your truck.

5:07 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Wretch for the win. When I look at a picture, oftentimes I immediately think, "Yep, douche." But when I instantaneously think, "Jesus Christ! What a DOUCHE!" It is then that I know I have been affected. And that is exactly what went through my mind when I saw this sorry excuse for a human being named, aptly, Wretch-a-Sketch.

5:19 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Wretch FTW… his hott is magnificent. He makes me yearn for slap-bet

5:20 pm November, 30 Bagnonymous said...

I dig Red Tony's girl a lot–nice firm legs on her, and a great smile. But the fact that RT, even with all those red muscles, needs a friend to help forklift Brunette Hott means he's not up to snuff. (I think they're secretly holding hands under her tight buns.)

Therefore, subsequently, thusly… Kettlehead for the monthly.

5:22 pm November, 30 Ohio FJ said...

Wretch FTW – hands down

5:24 pm November, 30 End the Haberdouchery said...

Kettlehead buys his linen jackets at Gap Kids apparently. Christ, dude.

Red Tony and his Bro are still the only idiots in the tent sans shirt.

Robopud still has that smirk every Monday morning when he goes to work at a call center trying to sell people a $3,000 extended warranty for their $2,000 car.

All of these things piss me off, and are in dire need of rectification, but there is no rectifying 'ol Wretch. He would have to go all Buffalo Bill and make a dress out of human skin because it would take an insane amount of laser treatments to get rid of what he's done to himself.

"Kid Kaos" for the monthly.

5:41 pm November, 30 bourbon bill said...

The two Kimmies get my vote. Plenty of skin revealed and beautiful boobies galore. This is all it takes for my vote, but there is more. Robopud has adopted the dreaded GSR and hung a shirt on it. This is just plain stupid.

5:48 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Red Tony for life! This is what the third pic of this douche at Jerztoberfest with his shirt off??? Each time with different girls, he's like a walking douchebag photo op at every moment.

5:48 pm November, 30 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Wretch FTW.

Sorry, Robodud, you don't scare me enough. And while I'd let your hotts try to change my mind, I don't see them being able to overcome the power that is the zebra bikini.

Red Tony: you deserved to be mocked, but having testicles the size of roasted peanuts is no way to go thru life.

Kettlehead: dude, an excellent effort. Sun glasses + raised eyebrow, chinstrip, open shirt + shaved chest, spike fauxhawk. But against choad that is Wretch? insufficient.

And I vote for all the hots, tho zebra hott has more than a passing resemblence, albeit healthy, to Amy Winehouse. And by "vote" I mean "invite up to my loft to discuss 18th century poetry and drink champagne".

5:49 pm November, 30 EdHardy Boy said...

I think given Red Tony's rediculousness – 2 arm bands, DG tags, Emporio Armani Underwear, those fucking white Armani sunglasses that everyone has one……Red Tony sweats Douche.

Wretch-a-Sketch is just a tatted up skater, Robopud is lackin the accessories, and Kettlehead gives Tony a little bit of competition…..but Red Tony takes it for the month!!

6:02 pm November, 30 skid said...

Wow. What a very mixed bag of scrote we have. Each has merit. WaS is a douche for sure, but not really a threat to any redeemable hott.
Kettlehead is consistent like a firm stool, but his hotts are forgettable.
Red Tony lacks a shirt and the douche attitude. While I wouldn't want to be the only one without a shirt on, I imagine that sunburn to be mighty painful.
That leaves Robopud and the Kimmies, a toxic pairing of hott and scrote if I ever saw one.

6:02 pm November, 30 Father Guido Sardouchey said...

Robopud. Classic douche face, GSR, the overcompensatory shirt dangling out of his shorts, and the hottest hotts. What more can you ask for? Even if the thumbs-up is pretty lame as a 'bag hand signal.

Even though I didn't vote for Wretch-a-Sketch in the Weekly, he's a close second here and would be a worthy entry in the 2009 Douchies as well.

6:04 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

I vote for Red Tony and his side kick over developed boy!

6:05 pm November, 30 skid said...

if I wasn't clear, Robopud FTW

6:06 pm November, 30 Mr. White said...

I'm going with Red Tony, for completely random and arbitrary reasons. Plus his hott seems to be genuinely hott, unbleethed, and somewhat disgusted/frightened to be handled by him, thereby increasing the gulf between his scrotitude and her dersirability.

6:11 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

KETTLEHEAD GOT MY VOTE!!!! Look at his past pics that have been posted on here! How can you not vote for kettle terd…..i mean kettle head!

6:17 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Robopud.

6:20 pm November, 30 dbBen said...

Wretch-a-sketch ftw (loss)

As was mentioned before, he's branded himself a douchebag for life (DBFL).

Kettlehead can get a shirt that fits, shave, haircut, loose the sunglasses. Then he'd just be "that dude that always has his eyebrow arched". He'd probably even lend me his Chevy Blazer to pick up a new ottoman that won't fit in my car.

6:32 pm November, 30 ...Und My Name is Haaaansel said...

I still don't understand how Kettlehead has been so soundly rejected. He has a stable of Hotts and multiple pictures to prove it. Further, like E-Blo (who no one doubts is a strong yearly contender), he makes the Exact. Same. Face. in every goddamn picture. The identical eyebrow placement is even more infuriating. Further, he may not be as ridiculous as the Wretch or Red Tony, he is *consistently* nauseating.

Kettlehead. Time for your moment in the sun. And by sun, I mean kitten shit.

6:32 pm November, 30 ...Und My Name is Haaaansel said...

I still don't understand how Kettlehead has been so soundly rejected. He has a stable of Hotts and multiple pictures to prove it. Further, like E-Blo (who no one doubts is a strong yearly contender), he makes the Exact. Same. Face. in every goddamn picture. The identical eyebrow placement is even more infuriating. Further, he may not be as ridiculous as the Wretch or Red Tony, he is *consistently* nauseating.

Kettlehead. Time for your moment in the sun. And by sun, I mean kitten shit.

6:36 pm November, 30 El Caganer said...

Desert Douchehunter said it best. Robopud ftw.

6:40 pm November, 30 Genital Electric said...

Red Tony- As creepy and roided-out as he is, he smiles too much for me to hate on him, and the picture of him ironing a shirt is an instant disqualification. D-bags don't iron! Their mommas only buy them cotton-poly blend easy-care knits.

Robopud- I voted for him in the Weekly and he deserved to win there, but he's just too outscroted here, and by now he's probably stuffed his shirt back in his pants.

Wretch-A-Sketch- Eh. What's left to say that hasn't been inked onto his skull, chest, tummy, and probably pubes, for all eternity? Too much pity, not enough rage for me.

Kettlehead- His cheesy outfits, facial affectations, and indeterminate ethnicity means you could insert him in any niteclub, any bar, in any country, in any decade (even the 70's) and the hot chicks would gaze at him in wonder, reaching over to fondle his shaved chesticles while everyone else smirks "Whatta douchebag!" and I vomit from my time capsule.

Kettlehead FTW, Timeless Uberdouche that he is.

6:48 pm November, 30 gatorpatric0 said...

Wretch dominates this one. Nothing else to say.

6:58 pm November, 30 Maxim Kovalenko said...

Wretch. It can only be Wretch.

7:03 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Red Tony is all that is douche.
RT FTW.

7:04 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Kettlehead for bringing 'Peaches' like consistency to the game. He may not be as blatantly douchey as wretch-a-sketch but he is the unsung hero of douchedom. Like a journeyman in a professional sports, Kettlehead is about consistency and quietly 'getting the job done' while the more flamboyant of the douche team get all the attention. While everyone turns their mock towards Wretch, Kettlehead shaves his chest, dons his sunglasses, raises his eyebrow and goes out and gets the job done every time.

7:04 pm November, 30 Wedgie said...

Wretch FTW. His hottie is hot and he is a large douchebag, albeit of the unusual circus freak variety.

7:04 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

RED TONY FOR LIFE! TOTAL DOUCHE!

7:04 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

RED TONY FOR LIFE! TOTAL DOUCHE!

7:15 pm November, 30 pv1 said...

Wretch is a freak. Freaks are not really douchebags since they don't care what the hotts think of them. If you want to vote for a freak, vote for Poopa in the Yearly.

Robopud's hott's ass pear almost made me vote for her.

Red Tony spends more time hitting the weights than hitting on the hotts.

Kettlehead has been the most underrated 'bag of the year. His body of work has been outstanding. I vote for him.

7:15 pm November, 30 DarkSock said...

what a gut wrencher…

I'd all but reached for the voting lever upon seeing Wretch at the top of the heap, but then here comes KettleHead.

Hmmm.

Yeah, I'm going with Kettlehead.

Kettlehead is the new Peaches.

And by Peaches I mean oxygen-starved compressed man-nipples trapped under a 12 year old boy's Sunday school shirt.

7:16 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

I'm voting for 'Sketch in the hopes that the DB1 in his infinite wisdom will find a way to get Kettlehead into the '09 Douchies, be it through a wild card or some other category. Both he and 'Sketch really need to be featured in the douchies as they both are festering wounds on society. And my very soul.

W-a-S FTM.

AV

7:17 pm November, 30 Fyodor Dostedouchesky said...

Kettlehead, this month and every month. He got jobbed earlier this year and it is time to make amends. And by "make amends" I mean pray that the cyanide kicks in.

7:25 pm November, 30 Ya Ya said...

My Vote is for RED TONY!!

7:26 pm November, 30 Marc said...

One more vote for Red Tony… the Brian Bozworth sunglasses really make for a stand out douche…

7:27 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

red tony. enough said

7:28 pm November, 30 lobsterskin said...

red tony for life!
he is in tip top shape and drapes his arms with the hottest girls from around the globe. he dresses to impress with dog tags, arm bands, and white jean pants! wata douuchee

7:41 pm November, 30 Doo Schnozzle said...

Robopud. Two hotts, left hott looking at me over her shades.

Ship it.

7:41 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Red Tony, who else made it so many times in such a short times span?

7:54 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Red Tony!

8:00 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

RED TONY BAR NONE! For Christ's sake, he made it 5 times in 4 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:03 pm November, 30 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ IRA D A 9:48

Good word, man, you read my mind. I was thinking the same thing about Jez…I was getting an Amy Winehouse vibe today. And let me also posit nthat Ms. Winehouse possibly have qualified as a quirk-hott in better times. My tastes run to the odd, however, so I may not be the best one to ask….

That being said, I'm rather stumped on this installment of the monthly. I can't go with tattoos as a vote for auto-douche. I'd sooner vote for an untattooed orangebag making kissylips and displaying major douchitutde, than to vote for a super-tattooed guy who just looks like he's having a good time. Wretch-A-Sketch, however, is pissing me off with the gangsta wanna-be nonsense. I like my stereotypes clearly defined. Big black gangstas making gang signs? Ok, I got it. Skinny white boys doing it? Douchey. Compton hardass with hat tilt? It fits. The guy who got shoved into lockers in highschool doing it? Puh-leeze.

I can promise you, if this pipe cleaner were to wander into the Robert Taylor homes, he'd last about five seconds, unless he was a good customer. Even then, Antwan and Co. would snap off those fingers and shove them up his ass. This is the thing these guys don't get; White guys doing this sort of thing is frowned upon in the hood, it does not make one accepted, but targeted. And if Jezebel likes an edgy, dangerous man, she ought to go find one. This guy jumps up on chairs and yells "EEEEEK" if he sees a mouse.

Not for excessive graffiti, but for affecting the attitude of a culture he knows nothing about, is not welcome in, and surely would not survive, and using that to lure and corrupt tangy zebra hotts, I vote WAS FTW. And by FTW I mean Fuckin' Torpid Whiteboy.

8:06 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

RED TONY ALL THE WAY!

8:11 pm November, 30 scrotum pole said...

Red Tony showed up today like a midnight visit from an ex-girlfriend, uninvited, unexpected and unrepentant.

At first you're a bit uneasy, but after a few beers you're rollin' around naked on the hallway floor.

Red comes strong with some top-shelf hotties, and as an added bonus, he could probably bench press a small mini-van.
Red FTW

8:30 pm November, 30 doucheywallnuts said...

Red Tony is douchebaggery in its classic form: Jerz vibe, Bitch Tits from the juice, gay-ass glasses, he's got it all. He's the Cary Grant of douchebags in that he doesn't need to go over the top with tats and crazy hair – he can stay with the standards and still obviously be a douchebag of enormous proportions.

8:34 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

RED TONY keeps it classically douche. he is the perfect definition of all that is douche-y. In fact, Red Tony will most likely spur the next douche-spotting trend because no mater what he does/says/wears, it will be considered douche-y by all.

8:39 pm November, 30 Douche Wayne said...

Robopud FTW.

Fuck Wretch-a-Sketch. He has already made it too far in this life for us to furthe relevate this . . . thing.

8:42 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

DOUCHE OF THE MONTH!

Went to school with this guy. Nobody more deserving of this prestigious honor.

8:50 pm November, 30 Vin Douchal said...

Can't agree with the logic that if a douchewad can put on a shirt and actually look at a camera without smirking like a trust fund Kennedy that he can be redeemed.

It's the attitude. The "I have a hott here that I will ignore so that I can do my dancing monkey act for the photo" schtick.

Can't wash that off.

That said, it's gotta be Robopud or Kettlehead.

Tragic Barker brings the life altering ink in full display but we will have the satisfaction of seeing him unscrew your oil filter from the little walkway under the car at Jiffy Lube® in a few short years. I'm cool with that.

Red Tony is a tube of SPF 45 and a shirt away from being the tool that buys the drinks at a bar. Sure, I know he's an asshole without ever having met him but he pales in comparison. Make mine a Peroni, Anthony, thanks.

Kettlehead has a vast body of work that helps and hurts him. Db1 shoved him down our throat so many times this year that my gag reflex doesn't work anymore when I see him.

Robopud had but one photo to work with to raise the bile. He gets it done with everything from the shirt tuck ( which will smell like sweaty balls and Tinactin when he puts it back on to enter the casino at the Hard Rock) to the bookstore clerk ring alignment to the blow out all the air in my abdomen and make kissy lips pose. And doable, delicious bookend hotts.

I want to spray him with mace.

Robopud FTW

8:52 pm November, 30 Vinny Scumbaglia said...

Y'know what… I have come out on the losing side of almost all the recent ballots. Y'know why?

Integrity, that's why. F'ing integrity.

Wretch-a-Sketch knows it. Despite his level of committment, I proclaimed his genre of douchery tiresome, and it is still tiresome. Tiremuch, actually, no offense to Jezebel's suckle thighs.

And, speaking of suckle thighs, well done Robopud. Yes, other voters may be overimpressed by your hott-pull, their douche judging skills dulled momentarily by the smooth lickable surfaces of you companions. But not I. Your endeavour has a sense of classicism, and by classicism I mean a t-shirt that smells like nutsack sweat. But that's about it.

Red Tony is an accomplished douche, fully embracing the brand-rich boneheadedness that we have come to detest. His is a blissfully ignorant douchbaggery, cheefully unaware of how his puckish nipples will look when he is seventy three. But in my estimation you have to be able to pull off the douchery in multiple modes, and you are modally limited.

But the douche that combines all of these characteristics and none of the shortcomings, and more (that is, less), is Kettlehead.

His committment is solid, as evidenced by the carefully studied and undoubtedly tirelessly practiced uni-expression. The full embrace of the douche mentality is evidenced in his couture. The love of classicism shines forth in his coif, and his blissful ignorance is evident in the set of his kettle-like head. Oh, and speaking of heads, one can only imagine he is redolent with the heady aroma of nutsack sweat.

SO there it is. Integrity: I like the cut of Kettlehead's jib. And, whatever a jib is, one can only hope one really sharp one snaps off near him real soon, and impales him right between the one raised eyebrow and the other unraised eyebrow.

KETTLEHEAD FTW.

–VS

8:54 pm November, 30 Nate said...

Yes!!! Red Tony is Douche of the Month and will have my vote for Douche of the YEAR!! Keep pumping your fist and picking up hot chicks, BROSKI!!!!!!!!!!

8:57 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

KETTLEHEAD FTW!

9:05 pm November, 30 Saving Private Guido said...

Robopud by a chin pube over Wretch-a-Sketch. Puddy represents all things upper-level Vegas weekend warrior scrote. He is the afterbirth of Miami nightlife. With spiked hair and doucheface with cocktail in hand, Robopud has come for your soul… and by soul, I mean the Kimmys. Because they are the essence of wet dreams – and Kimmy #1's phatbottom/thigh combo hypnotizes my netheregions.

9:07 pm November, 30 One for the Choad said...

He doesn't have a chance in the Annuals, but Wretch-a-Sketch definitely gets my vote here. His parents have to just be sickened by his appearance. Plus, that is the tastiest looking zebra I've ever seen.

9:08 pm November, 30 Crucial Head said...

The Subtleness of Scrote

By: Crucial Aloysius Head

Most of us here remember with passionate glee, the first time we reached the hallowed home plate with a woman. The innocent beckoning of virgin lust. For those of you who have not, **ahem, cough, cough… Plinky… cough, cough**, please bear with me, for your time will come… in a modest, plain wrapped package in the mail in 5-6 weeks max. The inflationary devise will be located just above the right ankle.

Anyway, you remember the lurid anticipation, as she finished a miraculous second glass of wine on an empty stomach? You remember her trembling laughter as her evening dress casually sauntered down her sloped shoulder as she stumbled over several stuffed animals on the way towards her bed? You cannot forget her mumbling softly into your ear those celestial words, “This is my first time too.” You remember fumbling through your wallet, seeking the condom your older brother had given you six years prior, knowing that it would soon be liberated from its wrapping for the maiden conquest into the pink Halls of Vaginehalla? You remember the lights being dimmed as you slipped into bed, the full flush of arousal awakening every sense, and feeling her unclothed, and taut flesh brushing ‘gainst yours for the first time?

Of course you all do. The innocence of burgeoning virgin lust.

Naturally then, you all remember the ensuing waves of shock; then bewildering bafflement; followed by spontaneous pandemonium, when uponst the splaying of her tender thighs, your eyes first bore witness to the chain-activated switch of Lämp that dangled liberally from her most intimate of areas.

Yes, yes indeed.

Lämp got there first… just like it always does.

This is the painful lesson we ALL had to learn. The lesson in The Subtleness of Scrote.

And THAT’S why my vote goes to the subtleness of Kettlehead. FTW.

9:22 pm November, 30 Tadow said...

Good choices here. I'm gonna have to go with Robopud this month for the simple fact that I can't stand the sight of him. Not that the other finalists aren't certified douches, but let's go down the line: Wretch is just a loser; Kettlehead seems kind of harmless despite his sunglasses at night and 'tude eyebrow raise; Red Tony is inexplicably shirtless, but he's just big and red (and looks a lot like Slider from Top Gun) – if he was orange that'd be another story. Robopud's got the kind of face that screams, "Punch Me!". And his hotts are pretty choice. Robo FTW.

9:48 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Red Tony for sure…

9:57 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Robopud must be stopped before he spreads his cyborg antics. GSR contamination is his ultimate goal. By pulling 2 top shelf hotts, other bags will put this into their playbook.

9:57 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

RED TONY! I don't know if all that power can be confined to Douche of the month. RT is destined to podium as Douche of the YEAR, count it.

10:01 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Best part about Red Tony– I know for a fact he actually graduated from a Jesuit university. He was given the chance to be one of the people the world needs most, and instead.. well, he turned out like that. Any girl out there would just have to agree– walk into a bar, see RT standing there and what's the first thing that comes to mind? DOUCHE. There's just no doubt about it, Red Tony is the ultimate douche.

10:06 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Robopud wins….er… loses. Words cannot describe the rage I feel that he exists. I want to belive that order exists in the universe but it does not. An infinate number of variables over trillions of years has created the darkest most sickening region in human history. Puds Groin-shave-reveal and what lies beneath is that region. The fact that I am alive durring this this small fraction of time and on the same planet as his GSR is profoundly disturbing and has shaken my belife in God. I now belive only in chaos. Hopefully I am wrong and this is just a sign of the times. There might be something in the Book of Revalation about this. I am not sure though. I am not sure of anything anymore. Robopud for the win. Humanity for the loss. Jesus is a-comin.

10:08 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

red tony not just for douche of the month! but for the year in my opinion! TOTAL DOUCHE…and hot bitches!

10:10 pm November, 30 Wheezer said...

Red Tony is out – he brought in his scrotey pal Diesel Dick (because it smells and is flammable) to help him out here, so he's DQ'd immediately.

Kettlehead has the most punch-worthy clean face here (meaning "no facial tatts"), and his choadly repertoire consists of the following: eyebrow raise, shaved chest, and open shirts for the necessary "chest shave reveal" (CSR). Why does this sound like an endorsement?

Robopud brings high-quality hotts to the mix – unlike Red Tony's "effort," it's fine, damn fine, for a chump to pull in multiple hotts in an attempt at lifelong notoriety here. Especially since I want to bite on Kimmy Black's sweet ass.

Boner…..rising…..

OK, and the last and certainly not the least (or is it…..?) is Scribbly Wretch, a 5'4", 107 lb. asskickin' machine from the rough-and-tumble streets of lower Des Moines. He has the most punch-worthy face here, period – his is only "clean"/devoid of that pesky eyebrow hair in order to squeeze in those sweet PERMANENT tiny turdball chains he calls…..ummmmm….."bitchin'."

Kettlehead both enrages and disappoints because, a la Paris Hilton, he has the one pose. Well, and I can't wait for him to just go away. Yes, that and the sheer douche aura could've been enough in many Weeklies, but this is for the Yearly, and I don't want him in it. Besides, I've seen so many different photos of his pose that I almost find myself laughing at him as well as wanting to belt him. I can almost picture him behind the counter of a small New York restaurant, where that look of his precedes "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"

But with my Monthly vote going to Wretch-a-Sketch, I just want to stomp a mudhole in his ass and walk it dry. And then steal Jezebel away for some de-bleething. Well, I want to do this with all the choads and their respective hotts, but Wretch is the putz with the least amount of reason (and "guns") to be acting like a badass. The other choads at least finished puberty.

What also seals it for Wretch is considering his future: should he ever decide to have the tatts removed, here's his dilemma: he will have to keep his face Nair'ed up in order to clean it up…..won't he? (Medusa, JCVD, back me up or correct me if I'm wrong.) If I'm right about that, he'll look almost albinoish 'til the hair grows back. Is he really that fuckin' stupid????? BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! This is why his choadiness must be immortalized on the Internets. All of them.

10:19 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Red Tony….110%!!!

10:21 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Gotta be Red Tony, he leaves everyone in his douche dust. I can't see why anyone would go out in public looking that unbelievably Douchy.

Notice how his hot chick won't touch his slimy red body with her open hand. She is truly creeped out.

10:22 pm November, 30 Dennis Bagger said...

wOw – WretchSketch VS Kettlehead .. what an excellent matchup, and surprise reprise!

Kettle's struggled all year to get the nod he knows he deserves… Consistent eyebrow raise and continual updated Sonny Crocket fatigues should give the man his Christmas come early Win. You know he's going to be in PRIME FORM for new years eve. Allow him to enter the clubs with a December Douche of Month belt wrapped around his waist.

10:26 pm November, 30 Susan Powter's Flattop said...

STOP THE INSANITY and vote for the Wretch!

10:42 pm November, 30 Dave said...

I'm really surprised. I thought Robopud would win in a walk. The least I can do is support him. Robopud, you rock, or suck, or whatever.

10:44 pm November, 30 Justin said...

Seriously? I can't believe this two-bit chump Wretch-a-Sketch is getting any votes at all. He is simply a poseur. I don't even really think he's all that douchey.

Who would you rather be stuck sitting next to on a long plane flight? I bet this scumbag goofball Wretchster can at least be somewhat entertaining after a couple drinks.

Imagine flying to L.A. from NYC sitting next to this greasy, cologne-drenched, ego-maniac Kettlehead. Imagine the vapid phone conversations while the plane backs away from the gate about "all the pussy he's gonna get once he gets to Hollywood". Imagine cringing as K-Head "kicks game" to the flight attendant while ordering a Heineken. He would probably fucking take the whole arm rest too! I would pray for a mid-air collision, Fight Club style, and laugh while flying through the air surrounded by his severed body parts. You suck Kettlehead, fuck you and your arched and plucked eyebrow and your stupid shaved chest. BE A MAN!

KETTLEHEAD for the win (loss).

I need a drink.

11:03 pm November, 30 The Doctor said...

Robopub is clearly the victor here, if only because of the excessive groin shave reveal, though the hair and pout also win him points.
And what the hell kind of necklace is that??

11:10 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Red Tony of course!!!

11:12 pm November, 30 Blair said...

You know, Wretch-A-Sketch just makes me want to punch babies. That's not right. F that guy, he sucks

11:14 pm November, 30 JJ said...

Red Tony for sure.

11:17 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Red Tony & the Diesel Slick FTW… But if they win (lose) we don't need to see their private celebration party thanks.

11:19 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Kettlehead

11:23 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

RED TONY gets my vote for douche of the month!!! I believe that his sole purpose in life is to accept this prestigious award – all that power has to go toward something!

11:33 pm November, 30 Pierre said...

Wretch-a-sketch!

11:37 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

RED TONY and LITTLE BRO have got to win, how much more cheesed..k can they pose. They look as if they have been constipated for a month. Definitely have got to WIN.

11:39 pm November, 30 HusslinHoosier said...

Robopud

11:41 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Red. Tony.

11:43 pm November, 30 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

A tough one …

Red Tony and Kettlehead just aren't bringing it. Moobs and more moobs. Not good enough fellas.

So WaS vs Robopud… The gun only has one bullet so who should I choose? Shooting myself would be too easy and it would allow further spreading of the Greico virus so that option is out. Robopud has two hotts to WaS's only one. But Robopud doesn't quite have that je nais se qouis attitude that WaS has. Eeny, meeny, miney mo… ah fuck it. I would gleefully tap dance on WaS's face with golf shoes like Gene Kelly in "Singin' in The Rain". He reminds me of a NASCAR racing car that I hope meets a wall at about 155 mph. Parts flying everywhere, rolling over again and again until there's nothing left. Was FTW! That's right muthafukas I made a Gene Kelly reference.

11:45 pm November, 30 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

^ That's WaS FTW! Long day…

11:53 pm November, 30 Horace Dangleballs said...

While all are worthy, I must vote for Red Tony primarily for two reasons:

1. His right nipple poked out my left eye when I enlarged the picture.

2. For playing handsies with his equally steroided "lifting partner" while supporting the hott.

11:57 pm November, 30 Filthy McBaggin' said...

Let me keep this simple: Robopud for the Monthly. I hate him.

And don't ask me why, but I somehow root for Kettlehead in the game of life. He is Douche, but somehow has crossed into the Bra! category of Douches that don't seem threatening.

12:04 am December, 1 Mike said...

Robopud FTW.
I would think that he's a given. One of the most perfect HCWDB contestants..

12:08 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

Red Tony

12:24 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

RED TONY, it has to be. I've been trying my whole life to get that big and red tony has it all man.

12:24 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

Red Tony for sure. I know him personally and he out douches them all.

12:25 am December, 1 Whoop-di-douche said...

While I may retch at the Wretch, rubout the Robopud from mine eyes burning retinas, and send a Red Pony to trample all over Red Tony, my heart belong to Kettlehead. Anyone pube-chinned choad who can manage to wear a fauxhawk that looks like a Labradoodle while shaded up and vee-neck shirted AND posing with a cute little Asian hottie must be the douchemeister of the month.

12:26 am December, 1 Ted said...

Has to be Wretch-a-Sketch and Jezebel… pseudo-poseur-punk douches are such a problem that they every vote should actually be like 1.333 votes counted. It's affirmative action.

12:28 am December, 1 Gaseous Clay said...

This is not a vote, just a note to the person attempting to stuff the ballot for Red Tony:

At least mix up your comments a little bit. I don't even need to read your IP address (like DB1) to see through your valiant attempts to swing this douchemographic election.

Sincerely,

Gaseous Clay

“Fart like a butterfly, stings when I pee”

12:29 am December, 1 rtfan said...

RED TONY!!!! I went to meet him at Jerztoberfest with my friend who'd never met him. When I spotted him half naked with that other douche lifting people up, I told her he texted me he wasn't coming, and walked the other way…

12:31 am December, 1 Croosh, Rage, White, Saul, Poop, L.L.C. said...

Also not a vote.

Any and all ballot stuffing will be turned over to our firm for immediate legal action.

And by 'legal action,' we mean peeing uponst.

12:33 am December, 1 rtfan said...

If mine doesn't count as a vote then that was just mean :/

12:33 am December, 1 ImageWrangler said...

I want, so bad, to vote for Kettlehead, but the smackdown of rules I try to forthwith rerererereREremind people here is this is HOTCHICKSwithdouchebags. Chicks. Hot. Hot chicks. No hot chick, no vote, or, consider your vote. Kettle just doesn't have a hot there. No hot. No vote. Steroid boys, Red Tony, no no no. Double your dick doesn't double anyone's fun, not even Oompa Manilow.

Leaves us with Robopud and Wretch, boy howdy what a runoff. But, hot chicks… two verses one. Sorry Wretch, you got the goods, which is to say bads, but I got to go with the Pud on this one. Double your pleasure, quantum leap your poo!

12:34 am December, 1 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Wretch-a-sketch spends his entire meager 7-11 paycheck at the tattoo shop, leaving Jezebel to support his pathetic, douchey ass.

WAS FTW

12:34 am December, 1 OMFUG said...

I'm like a 454 with the four on the floor/
Douche coupe comin' at ya avoiding the capture/
Far from stock I'm chopped and ready to rock/
In the city of steel catch me cruisin' down the block

Chorus 2X:
Put the pedal to the metal/
Don't be a manthong/
Vote for Kettle!!

FTW!!

12:37 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

The ballot doesn't need to be stuffed, have you seen RED TONY? Look at that skin tone. Can you really think that being tatted up is even close to tony's douchiness?

Douch. Done.

12:45 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

Robopud

1:02 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

I go with Red Tony.

Wretch is just a dirty skater punk.

Robopud is just blending in with his surroundings.

Kettlehead just seems kind of shy and confused.

Red Tony and his equally ridiculous sidekick are a fucking joke! Where do those toolbags think they are? They are in a tent with fully clothed people! It almost looks like someone just photoshopped them into that scene! No one else is that color! Even their hott looks confused as to what in the world is going on. I am in awe of them. The only person who could beat Red Tony might be his sidekick.

1:09 am December, 1 Bob said...

Wretch is a wankscrote, to be sure, but he's not smack-in-the-face-with-a-hammer material. And zebra hott, whilst hot, isn't the hottest hott in here.

Red Tony gives us classic roid pumper douche, times 2. But 'bag buddy is simply a copy of RT. No major 'tude from either (finger point, but at her leg, not her nipple). And the hott is hot and I would do naughty things, but she's not enough to cinch the win.

Kettlehead is a douche, got the chin strap and I think some chin pubes, the hair's douchey, and the raised eyebrow makes me wanna slap him. His hott's not all that hot, though.

Which brings me to Robopud. GSR, dumb bling, kissy lips, stupid hair. shirtless with shirt tucked into pants like a masterdouche, overdeveloped abs, sunglasses, gay-ass thumbs up signage. Classic douche. Not quite as successful as RT in the pumper douche look, but right up there. But again, he's got the contrasts of his hotts. They're smokin' hot. Remember them penguins I'd cockpunch to gargle Side Ass hott's bikini water? I'd fellate them first, *then* cockpunch them. Such is the power of those hotts. Biggest hot hott to douchey douche ratio.

Robopud for the monthly win.

1:14 am December, 1 Mitch Cumstein said...

Wretch-a-Sketch: I would simply machine-gun his face, Inglourious Basterds style, and leave it at that.

Red Tony: I would slowly explain to him in a heart-to-heart manner that he simply canNOT be allowed to procreate, before chain-sawing his throat. This hunter knows that on some deep level RT understands and agrees.

Robopud: I'm starting to sweat and twitch a little bit here. The GSR combined with the double-gun thumbs up gesture has taken me aback. I quickly recover, however, to heroically flame-throw Robopud into the special part of Hades where he transformes into the Prince of Doucheness: Beelzepud.

Worstly, THE Kettlehead: I fear that no torture even Dick Cheney himself could dream up would drive the full on douche expression/eyebrow lift from this Super Douche's face. Perhaps a one man off-broadway reenactment of Bob Sagat's version of "The Aristocrat"? Still nothing? The expression remains. The douchstrocity remains. The hate remains. Kettlehead, I fear, is indouchstructable. This 'Bag Hunter is forced to retreat to his bunker to diligently prepare for the 2009 Douchies. To wait. And to vote.

Kettlehead for the monthly.

1:21 am December, 1 Leagl eagle said...

Anons don't know that DB1 weighs regs' votes more than stupid anon ballet-stuffing bullshit. Red Tony's gonna finish 4th.

1:31 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

Leagl eagle's a douche.

1:33 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

Red Tony. DBOTY! (dbagoftheyear)

1:35 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

Robopud…his hotts are the hottest and he is choad. Which is to say, boobies.

1:37 am December, 1 Douche Brees said...

Kettlehead did not get his just desserts months ago. And by "just desserts" I mean "appropriate mocking". Give him a place in the yearly.

1:39 am December, 1 Punch de LeScrote said...

Kettlehead FTW

Wretch is generic-tatts-scrote.
Robo is generic-beach-scrote.
Red Tony is generic-roid-scrote.

But Kettlehead, while not entering the realm of uber-douchiocity exhibited by so many others, has a douchestyle all his own… the eyebrow arch, the glimpse of shaved chest, the sunglasses, the chin pubes… everything's there in every picture in his parade of hotts. I have to respect his remarkable consistency. And by respect I mean get drunk, vomit, and cry myself to sleep.

1:43 am December, 1 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Wretch-a-Sketch, because he is the modern day Rosetta Stone for over-the-top, inked-up scrotified douchewankery.

1:52 am December, 1 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

I can't get over it. I gotta give the Monthly to Wretch A Sketch just because of all the tattoos. The others may even be bigger douchebags, but Wretch TATTOOED HIS FACE!

1:53 am December, 1 Red Tony = a distant 4th said...

LOL

2:17 am December, 1 CeeGee said...

I think wretch has earned this one. We all knew wretch, back in college.

Wretch was the guy who lived in town, just as a local, not a student (too dumb) but nevertheless hung out at student parties. He was a nihilist who quoted Nietzche (because Nietzche has a weird name, that must mean something, right?) and listened to shitty god-awful metal bands that he's cool enough to know about. He prided himself on how uch PBR he drank last night and how bad the subsequent hangover was.

Even though he was a misanthrope and a monstrous douche, he could still somehow always score ladies, tricking them into thinking his sleaze was actually charm. We must mock the Wretch, because the Wretch still lives today all over the country, perhaps the world.

Wretch in a landslide. and by landslide, I mean gym toilet clogged with yellow diarrhea and six-foot poops.

2:31 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

red tony wins

3:29 am December, 1 Jonathan Livingston Douchebag said...

Even after mere moments of exposure, Robo's sense of entitlement has been burnt into my LCD monitor.

3:33 am December, 1 Douche Springsteen said...

Kettlehead FTW. I did not see that coming, well played DB1. It was like the first time you see The Crying Game, the camera tilts down (or in this case, I scroll the page down), and all of the sudden, there's a dick.
What Kettlehead lacks in external douchal signifiers attained through a needle or lifting weights, he makes up for in pure douche aura. He truly is greater than the sum of his (poo-scented) parts.

3:35 am December, 1 Douche Springsteen said...

also, I want to do the Bataan death march on Kettlehead's hott's Pacific Rim.

3:41 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

All are serious contenders but ultimately, Wretch FTW.

3:52 am December, 1 Mike said...

Yanno, folks. We have some goofball putzbag douches here, but Kettlehead's the guy that drives off with your girlfriend in his goddamned souped up fucking Camry with the glasspacks and the spoiler.

Fuck that putz. Kettlehead for the Monthly.

3:58 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

Red Tony gets my vote for his extra douchetarded ways of life.

4:08 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

Kettlehead FTW!

For Lucifer's sake, give this sack of twice-recycled, bleach-topped douche a monthly.

-Douchetros Douchetros Ghali

4:52 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

Red Tony!!!

4:52 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

Kettlehead. I want to see how he'll do in the yearly.

5:02 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

Whoa team steroid!! Tone down the muscles!! Red Tony needs to use some aloe vera. Looks like his skin is burning.

And what's with the finger pointing chode bag!! If you can't figure out what to do with your hands then just hold a drink…or red tony's sack.

5:13 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

Wretch, most definitely. Side note: I don't dig on the 'Dead too much, but for some reason listening to "Uncle John's Band" seems to instantly cure that 'crumbling society' feeling you get from looking at these pictures.

5:19 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

RED TONY gets my vote. He is Douche Royalty.

5:39 am December, 1 riverdouche said...

kettlehead, because i haven't seen his tits, and i'd like to change his girl's elbow band-aid.

5:56 am December, 1 Jessica said...

Oh, Travesty Barker must win. He is not "just a skater punk"–to dismiss him as such is an affront to all skater punks. He is an important kind of douche that is underrepresented here: a small, stringy piece of So-Cal peckerwood detritus, a guy who thinks he's living "rock n roll" with the tats and the 'tude, but is clearly not. Only in California could a guy this skinny, ugly, fashioned-challenged and broke get a hot girlfriend. In a physical fight, Red Tony, Kettle and Robopud would all whoop the shit out of Travesty's ass. But in this picture, safe from those baboons, this snide asshole mocks us. He needs to be checked.

As for the hott side of the equation, WaS's hott is hot–what y'all want? She has sunglasses on. So do Robopud's bitches. They all have acceptably tan and toned physiques, and could be goddesses or total butterfaces without the lunettes de soleil. At least Travesty's girl has a nice, warm smile. I bet she gives a good blow job, too! Cuz you know WaS's lazy ass just likes to lie back and let her do all the work–I can just tell by the way he looks.

Wretch-a-sketch for the win.

6:00 am December, 1 Anonne Huntress said...

You've got to be a real loser to stuff the ballot box for yourself. If the monthly is your claim to fame in life, you've got bigger problems.

6:07 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

Red Tony. Done and done.

6:10 am December, 1 Douche T-BAG said...

All these douches are quite douchey, but you gotta be kiddin' me if you don't think the King of the Douches isn't 'Red Tony'.

I mean this douche is ooozing douchiness, red bacon flesh, and enough backne' to kill a small chinese village. If Steve Irwin was still alive, he would be amazed how big this douche really is. 'Awww cricky, that's a big douche."

6:11 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

I have seen this man not only do a full one hour long sing-a-long and dance off to old Brett Michaels videos, have witnessed him order 10 kamikaze shots for himself- which is even more douchey than a Jaegar bomb because it means you cannot handle something as *powerful* as Jaegar (and it makes the bartender work twice as hard, prima donnas), and have seen in his list of hierarchy that Bowflex guy trumps Jesus.

And in the world of Douchebags, there was one man left standing…

Red Tony.

6:27 am December, 1 Steve L. said...

this is an interesting vote because we actually have (un)delicious testimonies from hot chick readers attesting to the douchiness of not one but TWO of the contestants in this monthly. Meech probably should've been more specific about Robopud's douchiness, because otherwise i'd be tempted to vote for CJ "never tips or pays for anything other than 2 comped bottles" Kettlehead. Kathryn has a way of using 62 words to unload 310 magnitudes of douche on your poor addled brain cells. you go Kathryn!

but no. Kettlehead is all quantity and no quality, and that kinda annoys me. Robopud actually has standards, as well as real human beings who are willing to testify for his douchiness. therefore, Robopud FTW.

i probably should've voted for the Mutaint a while back, but i felt Jennifer's delivery was kinda weak. sorry Jennifer.

anyway, Robopud FTW.

7:13 am December, 1 Billy Jag said...

in a word, kettlehead.

8:33 am December, 1 Anonymous said...

Red Tony. PNW's finest

8:53 am December, 1 Red Tony = disqualified for the ballot stuffing said...

What is this, Chicago? LOL

10:01 am December, 1 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Wretch-a-Sketch FTW. If each square inch of tattoo added to his apparent IQ, he'd still be about as intelligent as a bowl of three-week-old tapioca pudding. He has tatts where his hair should be. Same probably goes for his manhood (or lack thereof). And I use manhood in the loosest sense of the term. Maybe "groinal innie" would be a more appropriate nomenclature. Get a frikin' life and grow the hell up dude.

Hott w/ hair tie is a Staten Island cutie extraordinaire. Give me a bottle of Neutrogena to pour all over my face, and I'll spend all day making sure her entire body is fully moisturized. That's my Norwegian formula.

12:32 pm December, 1 Anonymous said...

Robopud. He fosters feelings of hate, and his Hotts make me wish to be the meat in thier sammich. He seals it for me with his 'tough-guy' face in the presence of two fine, fine ladies. While the black bikini beyotch is starting to demonstrate symptoms of Grieco-virus, white bikini makes me wish I were not
Ol'Bag
but, young-ol-bag
Robo for the win!

1:56 pm December, 1 Anonymous said...

Kettlehead gets my vote.

3:38 pm December, 1 baleen said...

I've been a fan of Kettlehead since his debut on this site. He needs not display the full regalia of scrotewankosity to be effective. Beware the eyebrow, for it is a bitch magnet. Kettlehead for what it's worth.

4:32 pm December, 1 Ryan said...

#3 RED TONY!!!

4:36 pm December, 1 Molly said...

I'm going to have to go with Red Tony on this one.

Tat boy is a huge tool, but I wouldn't put him as a top douche.
Rob…I can't comment on, because looking at his picture made me throw up.
Kettlehead makes me question his sexuality. Come out already.

Tony is…well, all of the aforementioned things, but honestly, is that chick even in the picture? She looks photoshopped in. And his little mini-me sidekick? Seriously? Does he hang out with this guy to make himself look bigger? Absolutely ridiculous.

5:04 pm December, 1 Mr. Biggs said...

Wretch a sketch. Hands down. Sorry Kettlehead, your waxed chest is no match for Wretch's supreme doucheability to draw in premium innocent suckle belly.

5:32 pm December, 1 brad said...

Red Tony

5:55 pm December, 1 Anonymous said...

Love the women's cardigan

7:27 pm December, 1 Anonymous said...

kettlehead is a circus clown not a douche
red tony 4 life! we want more pictures

8:02 pm December, 1 Douche Bigalow said...

Robopud, he's like a 2 inch skid in your weekend boxers, nasty, but garnering admiration all the same.

9:50 pm December, 1 Anonymous said...

Wretch a Sketch FTW.

Red Tony is pedestrian model douche, but still.. boobies.

11:00 pm December, 1 Anonymous said...

Red Tony is THE douche of the month….year. and so on. Hes soo shiny. Does he wash his body with Dawn dish washing soap or something?.. :) haha

11:10 pm December, 1 DochebagPrincess said...

Red Tony is king of douchebags…

11:11 pm December, 1 Anonymous said...

It has to be Red Tony…….

11:11 pm December, 1 Anonymous said...

It has to be Red Tony…….

11:13 pm December, 1 Angie said...

Red Tony fo sho

11:15 pm December, 1 Anonymous said...

red tony is the ultimate douche..he takes the cake. game over.

11:17 pm December, 1 Captain Bringdown said...

Shit, almost forgot to vote!

Wretch-a-sketch; gotta be. Anyone who invested that much time and money to look so stupid deserves something. Maybe a baseball bat to the head, but I'm sure internet scorn and ridicule will suffice.

11:26 pm December, 1 LeeAnne said...

RED TONY FOR DBAG OF THE MONTH!!! MAKE THAT DBAG OF THE YEAR! LOVE YA RT!!!

11:35 pm December, 1 Anonymous said...

Red Tony is my nomination for dbag of the year

11:40 pm December, 1 Anonymous said...

Red Tony, who rides the bologna pony.

11:58 pm December, 1 Anonymous said...

Red Tony cannot be for real…..this guy is just too much for words….well every word except douchbag

12:01 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

Red Tony is on here all the Fing time! He is clearly a douche 24/7 and needs to be in some sort of douche hall of fame!

12:15 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

Red Tony for douche of the month

12:17 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

Red Tony for doucheeeeeee of the month

12:21 am December, 2 Horace Dangleballs said...

Don't worry about the anonymous (bowel) movement pushing Red Tony upon the electorate. Even if he wins he's going to get CRUSHED by the least douchey of the other contenders for the yearly…

12:25 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

RED TONY Is Such a Bag. He deserves to win

12:45 am December, 2 theseguysmakemewannavom said...

1. I do not understand how Kettlehead is even in the competition? He looks like a former fatty who took diet pills and is now enjoying his new body but doesn't realise a female blouse and cardigan are not the best way to go about it. I just feel sorry for him.
2. As for Red Tony- Jesus Christ, He is a ginger. He lives in the PNW, a place completely devoid of any Jersey Shore style. Maybe if he were in AZ, Miami or the east coast he wouldn't be such an oddity, but he really is a ray of douche sunshine in this dark, rainy place we call home.
RED TONY FTW!

1:37 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

Red Tony all the way. I can't emphasize enough how much of a committment he would have to have to the art of douchbaggery. The long sweaty hours in the gym, the long sweaty hours in the tanning bed, the long sweaty hours looking in the mirror. The others just dont have it.

2:09 am December, 2 d said...

Red Tony breathes douchery all day long. He's got the power!!!

2:43 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

red tony definatly wins. i told my friends about this guy i met and how big of a D bag he was and i couldnt believe how in love with himself he was…and then what do you know? the faggot makes it to the top of the list with out me even having to say anything. please make a special hall of fame for douches that know they are douches and love themselves for it.

2:58 am December, 2 Red Tony boofs ballot stuffers said...

i'm finishing last, yo. u dickweeds got me dq'd.

3:13 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

# 3 Red Tony for Douche of The Year!

3:13 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

Red Tony all the way…..biggest douche of the month hands down!!!

4:27 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

Can you say Douche…DOUCHE!!!!

4:42 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

Red Tony all the way, hands down…..

4:58 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

Red Tony crushes all other douches – he will be Douche of the Month, nay, Douche of the Year, nay, DOUCHE OF THE DECADE!!!!!

5:53 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

Such a tenacious level of roided out douchery… how can one not look at the finely roasted glowing skin and not think Red Tony is the biggest douche of them all. What a d-nozzle.
Red Tony. Douche of the month.

7:16 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

Wretch for the easy W.
His stench oozes through my monitor from all the doucheness.

7:49 am December, 2 Sweetcheeks said...

Red tony is HCwDB of the month

8:26 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

Red Tony wins hands down. Let the guy be champ before his tragic early demise. Whether it be the tanning that causes cancer, the roids that give him Ric Flair tits and make his dick the size of the gram he snorted from his boyfriends asshole; No one can live his D-bag life for more than 41 years. Coke and Roids may not be the breakfast of champions, but definitely the breakfast of Douches. Red Tony all the way.

9:28 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

I don't know. Number 2 reminds me of Ab Lobster, so I have to hedge all historical votes and go with 2 here just in case.

Bagwan Singh

9:41 am December, 2 DB1 soon to remove Anon function for good said...

Your buddy Red Tony will be disappointed, Anons. Mark my words.

11:58 am December, 2 Anonymous said...

If you do not want the Jersey Shore infecting the rest of the country you must vote Robopud

2:11 pm December, 2 Anonymous said...

Red Tony looks like the biggest fuckin douche ever. Flexing in every picture. tan as a red head can get. Forcing himself on chicks, picking them up in the air, pulling their shirts down – extreme doucheism. The others just don't have the douche status that Red Tony does. Red Tony deserves the crown for douche of the month.

2:49 pm December, 2 manimal said...

FTW? Gotta Be Wretch. (What!?! Can't you hear my small intestine gurgling as I type this!?!)

He has achieved exponential revulsion. Looking at that disturbing pic again, caused me to have an acute case of Dyslexic Duodenum. I nearly pulled a Cartman, dammit. Only The Zebra, in her un-tatt'd-n-pure innocence, could stop the Reverse-Douche-Log from hitting my throat… Ugh.

***Tho Da Kettle deserves an honorable mention for the sheer power und glory of his Scrotalicious-Poisé… Amazing powers of concentration. Plus, his Crisply Fijian HOTT is all kinds of uh-huh-yummy…

3:10 pm December, 2 RAPETIME said...

Normally, a guy like Red Tony would be the obvious…nay, the inevitable choice.

But sorry, Tony, you just come off like a nice, normal, roided up shitbag – a guy I'd happily be friends with – in comparison to the shambling undead horror that is Wretch-a-Sketch, who manages to be everything wrong with tattoos, money, and human beings all at once. A rare trifecta. I salute you, Wretch-a-Sketch, and by salute I mean wish to flay your shitty, bullshit tattoos from your skinny, disgustingly pale pudgy body with a spork.

9:09 pm December, 2 Anonymous said...

Red Tony!

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