Thursday, December 31, 2009

    New Years Stackhouse: Stackhouse Runs the Dishwasher on Pre Wash and Heat Dry


    HCwDB douche poet, Stackhouse, whispers stalkerish words of woo on his ex-girlfriend’s Facebook wall:

    —-
    I love you baby….miss u so much xoxox

    xoxoxo miss u baby dont be sad baby bear…

    i love u so much and cant wait for this weekend xoxox love u baby..merry xmas :) wish u were under my tree

    stay away from D BAGS or ill run the diishwasher on pre wash and heat dry

    At least u get to observe good looking people, Noxville just may be the capital for people who gave up along time ago on self worth lol. Every bar serves food and all the booths are wooden lol, they don’t even know what a DJ is, I’m telling u I’m in a mini concentration camp of bad taste and no fun

    Get ur irish drinking shoes on Las, ur #1 mate is ready to tell class to piss off and go crush pints with u :) Don’t give me that non scense.

    I thought u looked cute in all those pictures. I guess I’m only good at eating food and lifting weights lol. Have fun on the tredmill, don’t get tazed Ur such a philosipher. No wonder I love u so much!
    —-

    It’s like a sonnet by Italian poet Francesco Petrarch to his object of adoration, Laura. If you removed all wit, eloquence and pathos, and replaced it with bodyspray.

    Get Some Happy New Year!!

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, December 31, 2009

    Donkey Douche Says "Happy Grease Year!"


    Well, actually DD just grunted. It sounded something like, groooopuhhhhgach!

    But I’m sure that’s what he meant. As he rubs up on happy Minnesotan Anna with a great smile.

    Our winner of the 2009 Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award also wanted to remind you that, if you don’t behave, he’ll be forced to bust Bathroom Self-Pose Groin Shave Reveal.

    (warning: In laboratory tests, BSPGSR has been shown to sterilize small woodland creatures and cause normal humans to go CHUD)

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, December 30, 2009

    New Years Lickin’ Eve


    With New Years fast approaching, lets not forget that HCwDB is the place where drunk hotties get back at daddy by licking Tommy Shortbusian’s nips.

    Groin Shave Reveal, ambiguously Irish free verse crotch-tatt, and two hotties nip licking like a Viagra’d Ryan Seacrest at a clambake in Provincetown?

    You deserve a reward for suffering through this pic. Since it’s the New Year, I’m feeling generous.

    Have some Pigskin Pear.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, December 30, 2009

    Hot Chickens with Stackhouse


    HCwDB’s now legendary poet, Stackhouse, continues to inspire us with his W.H. Auden-esque grasp of the subtleties and nuances of the English language. So much so, that I’m breaking the rule of the site, and running a Hot-Chick-free pic (albeit with hot chicken).

    I title this short poem, “I’m the Impactor”:

    —-
    Imagine ur at a junk yard, there is a machine there impacting cars, tossing them aside 2 never be heard from again. That’s what 2night’s gonna be like, I’m the impactor, crushing pussy not cars, tossing them aside & like a 82 4 cyclender mustang, will never be heard from again. Get Some
    —-

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, December 30, 2009

    ‘Ranger Rick Resents Stackhouse


    ‘Ranger Rick, who first appeared after surviving a nuclear test blast because the goggles, they did nothing, is pissed.

    Outsider-art primitive poet, Stackhouse, seems to be getting all the mock this week. ‘Ranger Rick does not want to Get Some. ‘Ranger Rick wants consideration for Monday’s HCwDB of the Week.

    So here’s ‘Ranger Rick, mugging the zaftig but sexy Cindy with vacant simian stare and faux, but only a faded ‘range tan.

    And here’s ‘Ranger Rick creepily leading Cindy to his pull-out sofa bed.

    Is it enough to topple the ascending Stackhouse in Monday’s first Weekly of 2010? It’s not looking likely, ‘Ranger Rick. But we appreciate the douchal effort.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, December 30, 2009

    A Sneery Load of Hipster Hal

    Why do I get the increasingly disturbing feeling that 2010 will feature a renewed resurgence of hipster douchewankery?

    Although perhaps unconventional hotness, Kate’s cute Reese Witherspoon pointy-chin and retro Jane Fonda in Klute hair thing is definitely bobbing my apples, however. And will carry us onward until dawn.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, December 29, 2009

    Ass Pear with Douchebag

    Because sometimes ya gotta take the Pear with the ‘Bag.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, December 29, 2009

    Stackhouse the Poet Makes Smart People Think Their F*cking Retarded


    Autistic savant free-verse artist, Stackhouse, provides us with another New Years poem. I’ve titled this one, “Some Good Old Fashion HIV Cream Pies Up Ur Ass”:

    —–
    I’m so f*cking smart, I make smart people think their f*cking retarded

    Men do not cry, men do not pout, they jack u in the f*cking jaw

    Dude says let me get a jack and coke and a water. My interpretation to that: can I get a smoking hot dime piece who makes me lose my mind and a condom to f*ck her with. Lol, f*cking cowards drinking water at the bar..what’s next homo’s, u bringing sand to the beach?

    Somthing thats been bothering me….I dont understand why prostitution is illegal. Why should prostitution be illegal? Selling’s legal, f*cking’s legal, why isnt selling f*cking legal? Why should it be illegal to sell somthing thats perfectly legal to give away?….just dont get it

    F*ck u sprint…f*ck with my 3g like that again and ill cut ur ass. What’s popin jump offs

    Some dirt bag stabbed my boys brother in the head and in the chest..my man didnt even go down…next time any dumb f*cks out there try taking down a boss dude with muscles think twice…either end up gettin f*cked up, or sent to prison for some good old fashion HIV cream pies up ur ass…GET SOME

    —-

    EDIT: Reader K writes in to point out that Stackhouse’s first two sentences are actually quotes from the sequel to the Boondock Saints, All Saints Day. Way to stay hip with the indie street cred, Stacky. Get some.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, December 29, 2009

    The Boobs of Perception

    The douchebag awoke before dawn… he put his bling on… he took his chin pubes from the ancient gallery and then he… pointed at some boobs!
    Father?

    Yes, son.

    I want to wear a mesh cap over an army mandana.

    Mother?…. I want to… point at boobsssss!!!

    These Doors coverbands just lack that original je ne sais quoi.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, December 28, 2009

    The Fernhead


    Who are we to judge true love in Camden, New Jersey?

    Oh. That’s right. We’re us.

    Nice ferns.

    And crotch purse.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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