Sunday, January 31, 2010

    Diff’rent Scrotes

    The kids aren’t all right.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, January 29, 2010

    Friday Thoughts and Links


    If you’re coming to HCwDB for the first time via The Onion, welcome to HCwDB! Come for the douchebags. Stay for the boobies.

    On this Friday, your humble narrator heads for a weekend of “research” in Vegas. And by research, I mean strippers, alcohol and tasty Hostess dessert and snack treat products.

    If you’d like to follow my adventures in the Heart of Doucheness this weekend, I’ll try to update the site, or follow me on Twitter.

    Here’s your Friday links:

    MTV is running an “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” marathon on Saturday including new eps. Check out the only official HCwDB show, one created and exec produced by your humble narrator, the DB1.

    France discovers the fun of the word “douche,”, in its reconfigured form, of course. The slippage of the signifier goes transnational and multilingual.

    Hot Taylors with Meyerbags.

    Of all the films of 2009, perhaps no sequence is more evocative, strange, hallucinogenic pop pastiche art than the opening credits of Watchmen. Say what you will about the film, but the simple clash of reimagined historical iconography and stylized expression in that sequence is genius.

    My tiny brunette librarian Semitic hottness obsession has moved from Mila Kunis to former Olypmic figure skater Sasha Cohen. Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh Perfection.

    Speaking of little hotties.

    And speaking of ice skating: Hockeybags.

    Bill Gates Fist Pumps the Sh*t out of Sundance.

    How do you get a tomato stain out of a Persian rug? Ask Manson! The Ben Stiller Show never got its due as the game-changing sketch comedy show that it was.

    And, since it’s Friday, here’s your reward for another successful week of ‘bag mocking and hottie lusting: Yellow Pear.

    Them’s some bitable glutes.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, January 29, 2010

    Sticks McHead


    Look Kelsey, we get that you want to get back at the suburban life your parents imposed upon you by hooking up with an alterna-emo local band guitarist.

    But look at Sticks. His eyes betray the faltering commitment to his lifestyle.

    Get out, Kelsey, while you still can!

    In five years, Sticks’ll be selling Saturns and you’ll be taking night classes in “Assets Management and Accounting” from a guy wearing a plaid tie.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, January 29, 2010

    Reader Mail: Euro Tagging


    —-
    DB1,

    Me and my girlfriend–avid readers of your site and proud owners of your book–decided to spend the Christmas break in Spain.

    As we are all aware, the Grieco virus has extended extensively into Europe. Therefore, bag’ hunting was an active part of the trip. We were surprised to notice that Yankees over sized jackets and tilted hats have made their way into Madrid (along with KFC and Pizza Hut).

    However, a terrible disagreement on the level of douchebaggery of an individual emerged, and I was hoping you could help me out. We were on the metro and he was very close, so taking a picture was out of order. But open your mind and imagine this: A fake-tanned guy, with more product in his hair than it should be legally allowed, purple jeans, white shirt, purple jean jacket, and–get ready–walking around with 2 little speakers in his pockets. Now, these speakers were plugged into his Ipod and were playing some sort of Euro-techno.

    I spotted him first, and immediately tagged him as an enormous douchebag. However, she disagreed and even argued a not-a-douche pass wasn’t out of the question.

    We’ve been together for quite some time now, DB1, but I must ask for your guidance.

    Is this the end?

    Thanks,
    The Canadian Bag’ Hunter.

    —-

    Since you did not include a pic of your tag, TCBH, it’s hard to say. However, female ‘bag hunters can often struggle with bag tagging in the wild, as the subtle forces of cultural imprint are designed to ensnare them by the multiple branded signifiers that a douchebag displays.

    Since douchebaggery is utilized by the market system to both a) cause the male to buy endless (and ever shifting) overpriced validation of his sexual worth in the form of name-brand items, body products, etc., and b) the female to recognize these items as premium cultural capital signifiers of merit, and therefore coitus, some females will struggle with a full ‘tag when confronted directly by choad spectacle.

    The short answer? Dump her ass.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, January 29, 2010

    Friday Haiku


    Captain Bronze and bro,
    Lil’ Sis may not be legal,
    Not even at sea.

    Captain my Captain!
    The trip done,the douche prize won
    And Walt Whitman weeps

    – Franklin DealorNoDoucheifelt

    Captain Ramius:
    “I present to you my ship,
    The Pink Coccktober.”

    - Mr. White

    Somali Pirates
    Open franchise on Lake Mead
    Business is not good

    - Mr. Scrotato Head

    Pinky and the bag
    Bleethling is not part of group
    Finger points to why

    - E-blo’s last thought

    Crew of the US
    Navy’s maiden voyage on
    USS Rainbow

    – Bagnonymous

    Yarrrr! Avast, ye twink!
    Grab yon naval jelly and
    Shiver me timber!

    - DarkSock

    If Cap’n got bronze
    Doesn’t set the bar real high
    For silver and gold

    - Bob

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, January 29, 2010

    The Quizzical Hemorrhoid and Princess Lickmah


    I can smell the Eurodouche fruity colognes, sharp accent, lack of showering and general attitude through my monitor, Quiz Roid.

    Next thing, you’ll tell me you make the same stupid douche-face in every pic you take with a hott.

    And that would just be wrong.

    I’m talking Belgium wrong.

    Stupid Brussels. Just give in and accept you’re part of France, already.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 28, 2010

    Mopey the Beanstalk


    I’d almost consider a nottadouche and instead a “Conquistador San Salvadoran Pirate” classification, Mopey.

    But then you had to go with the gypsy moth upper lip thing. And that makes you ‘bag.

    I see each of you Kappa Kappa Woo girls. Lanny, Muffy and Sue. And I highly respect each of you for majoring in Physical Therapy.

    And, as appreciation for your beautiful minds and endless repetition of the word “like,” I would lightly touch your thighs with an ostrich feather after you passed out on my couch at 2am.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 28, 2010

    Ask DB1: The word "Lifestyle"


    —-
    Dear DB1,

    Does the word “Lifestyle” automatically make something douchie?

    It just seems that lately when ‘bags write in they talk about how we basement virgins are just jealous of there “lifestyle”. Now the ‘bag 30K millionaire lifestyle is definitely not something I want to condone, but is it possible to extend my drinking tons of great inexpensive wine from around the world and cooking great food into a “lifestyle”? Does having a “lifestyle” make me a douche?

    - Sad Party Karaoke Robot
    —-

    The following terms are auto-douche:

    “Lifestyle”
    “Livin’ the Dream”
    “Haters”
    “Hatters”
    “Poppin’ Bottles”
    “Get Some”

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 28, 2010

    See Spot Cry For the God That Isn’t!


    Cry for the God that isn’t, Spot! Cry for the God that isn’t!

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 28, 2010

    Sun Sandra and the Stringbean


    Sun Sandra is shiny peach googley happy dance perfection.

    She is a glorious specimen of the Sun God Ra’s immortal kaleidoscopic boobie hottie causing weeping angels to weep harder, and soft pleather armchairs to be groped awkwardly. By me.

    Insects explode with life giving force from the presence of her misty, danty breath as she wonders if her modeling career will really take off, or if that guy at the bar was lying to her.

    Stringbean sucks but who cares. Nice socks.

    Sandra.

    Curves of nectarine honeyberry lemonsuckle rosewater.

    She makes the knowledge of impending mortality bearable for an instant. Or three.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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