Sunday, February 28, 2010

    Adam Carolla Breaks down HCwDB

    For those who missed this last year, bernethy sets an Adam Carolla monologue to pics from HCwDB. An enjoyable rant for a Sunday.

    EDIT: Some in the comments thread wonder if I support the central thesis that Carolla posits. I do not. While I feel Carolla articulates the central paradox at the heart of douche culture, he does not examine the impact of mass culture shift that is always possible in our perpetually renegotiated media space. Uberchoads of scrotal spectacle were not inscribed as sexually viable until very recently, beginning in the early 00s with the rise of the metro boy bands. Culture can and will shift again, through the power of collective mock.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, February 27, 2010

    Mandarin Orange

    I’m pretty sure Alison and Samantha asked for no MSG with their Orange Chicken.

    Looks like our hallowed Closet of Poo is about to gain its newest member.

    EDIT: Pic cropped to cut out the hot chick on the right, as per her email request.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, February 26, 2010

    Friday Thoughts and Links


    Your humble narrator is giggly and excitable on this Friday. I consider the punchable doucheface (pictured here).

    But also the lovely brunette smile that powers industry, starts wars, motivates artisans and causes bumblebees to fly into windows.

    I would chew on her shoulder like a Malaysian Tree Frog with the runs.

    Things are busy here at HCwDB headquarters. Gearing up for the site redo, heavily into obsessively tracking how the show is doing on MTV, and trying to get the movie made.

    Which involves lots of sitting around on my rug, staring at my dying ferns that keep shedding all over my rug, and wondering why Babe 2: Pig in the City didn’t get more respek.

    Here’s your links:

    Here’s the only proper way to respond to fans of The Jersey Shore.

    The makers of Axe Bodyspray were fined by the government for polluting the air. About time our society takes action.

    The always cutting edge hepcats with their fingers on the pulse of the youth over at The Weekly Standard give HCwDB a shout-out.

    Mmmmm….

    There were many creature horror films in the 1980s. None better than Critters. Siskel and Ebert knew what was up.

    Hot Chicks with Douchebikes.

    R.I.P. to the strange, unique, eccentric and brilliantly subversive adult film actor Jamie Gillis, who died of cancer last week at the age of 66. A uniquely American rebel and a true actor from porn’s weird, avant-garde and groundbreaking cinema golden age.

    Bros Before Hoes.

    How’s about a Peardrop? It’s like flesh raindrops uponst my belly soul.

    Okay, you’ve been good. Not only do you get Peardrop, but you get Rodeocowgirlpear.

    Dig on that. And celebrate. For the Weekend is here. And the ‘bags continue to be mocked.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, February 26, 2010

    Shiyen Finds Ubiquitous Red Cup


    Shiyen’s journey through the world of American douchewankery is beginning to echo the transmedial cultural mythic retranslation of The King and I’s Uncle Tom’s Cabin sequence.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, February 26, 2010

    Das Booty Call


    Say what you will about greasy Eurochoad.

    No really.

    Say what you will.

    Like “Vie Gehts, und douchewank?” Or maybe, “I loved you as the bad guy in Hot Dog: The Movie.” Or perhaps, “Is that grease on your head, or did Jurgen Hambrecht slip on a cheeseburger?”

    AnnaLeisa Von Boobsmark regrets everything.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, February 26, 2010

    Friday Haiku


    Yea, tho ’twere douchebags,
    And douchette in Rehab square,
    Ass Pear offers hope.

    Middle guy is blank
    Why such a waste of good space?
    Tatt up, stupid douche.

    – wedgie

    Dude up on the porch,
    Has lost something important.
    Can’t find dignity.

    – scrotum pole

    Winter Twenty-ten:
    An epic Douche Nor’Easter
    Spreads to Southern Climes

    – Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

    Both agreed Vegas
    Just wasn’t much fun with their
    Parole Officer.

    – Mr. Scrotato Head

    Bitch needs a sandwich
    Hiroshima tatt needs work
    Beanpole douche just smiles

    – Dr. Bunson Honeydouche

    Tatted up “MILF” makes
    Me want to gouge my eyes. Where
    did modesty go?

    – Dicy

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, February 26, 2010

    Shiyen Continues to Choose Poorly


    Shiyen’s mother, Shin-Lii, is lighting incense right now to apologize to the spirits of their ancestors for Shiyen’s familial disgrace.

    Tony “just likes Asian chicks butts, yo.” Because “they’s smooth.”

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, February 25, 2010

    Reader Mail: The Britbag


    —-
    So apparently i’m british, and a douchebag… Nice. I have absolutely no idea how YOU came across the picture and, although i’m sure some people enjoy total strangers ripping into them on the net, I personally don’t. So, the facial expression, fair call. i can see why one would think that.

    Ironically, i was posing like someone you might expect to find on this very site (although now i’m questioning the validity of that). It’s amazing how crucial a role context plays, hey?. And as for all the lovely, lovely comments that have been posted about me personally, as a result of this, kindly get f*cked!

    Thanks,
    ‘Britbag’

    P.S. If it hasn’t sunk in yet, the picture and comments are getting taken down. Excellent!
    —–

    It’s k-k-k-ken!! Coming to k-k-k-kill me!!

    Wait, what was the middle one again?

    Since this cunning linguist forgot to tell me which pic it is that he’s whining about (although, for the Holmeses among us, the obvious clue may be found in ‘Britbag’), I’ll run this pic of some random dude and party girls who may or may not be British. Because I’m accurate like that.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, February 25, 2010

    Chest Wars


    Oh annoyingly craptastic Francisco.

    Your need to compete with boobies utilizing four levels of necklace and laser hair removal treatments is just sad.

    Put away your toxic man boobs before a squirrel gets chlamydia.

    Oh bouncy wholesome brunette Carol. How your mellifluous laugh at borderline racist jokes makes my nethers tremble.

    I would help you make sandwiches for the Michigan Yachting Club one Sunday afternoon, and then masticate on your bra hanging in the bathroom, drooling on myself Schiavo style, when you were out buying mayonnaise and more rolls.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, February 25, 2010

    Ask DB1: Midwestern Barbaggery


    —-
    Dear DB1,

    It appears that the douchebaggery of the world has invaded the midwest, which up until this point has been pretty low on the bagger-scale, corrupting those I considered friends into tight v-neck wearing, diamonds in the ears, hat tilted, tribal tatted, tanning bed inhabiting, grade A douches.

    It seems that the “everybody’s doing it” mentality of the douchebag has convinced my friends and acquaintances that it is okay to do so.

    What can I do to convince them that it’s ruining their lives by living this ed hardy infested world? My methods don’t seem to be working and I come to you for your expert opinion.

    Thanks in advance -
    -BarBag-91

    —-

    Cultural spread of the douchepocalypse can only be resisted through the power of the collective societal mock, BB91. Once douches face massive ridicule for their silly hair, tight t-shirts, douche-face and hat tilt, only then will they stop.

    Ed Hardy jokes, delivered in a sarcastic tone and from a safe distance in the direction of douches hitting on hot chicks, will begin to help alleviate the problem. From there, move on to cracks about gel and hair spike. Then hit on their girlfriend when they’re in the bathroom.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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