Friday, April 30, 2010

    Friday Thoughts and Links

    Another excellent week of ‘bag mocking and hott lusting, as we settle into the new site layout. Gold tatt stars to all.

    Fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses, it is 2010. The mock is moving into global influence. Your important work is beginning to turn the tide.

    If you haven’t already, you can create a profile on the site by signing up here.

    Also, you can follow your humble narrator on Twitter. And join the Hot Chicks with Douchebags Facebook page, which I didn’t actually create and aren’t sure who’s running it, but hell, it seems like it’s one of the regs so I’m supporting it.

    Me? I gots me a bottle of the quality Mogan David stuff. A DVD of vintage Peter Davison Doctor Who featuring Who’s hottest companion of all time, Nicola Bryant as Peri (mmmm… more Who era Nicola Bryant, and more)

    The ‘bags are safely mocked into a state of collective emasculation. The hotts are objectified in reductive and Pavlovian ways. The chaos of life has been classified, quantified and processed nicely via the simulacrum for the week, giving us the illusion of order in a bleak and existential universe.

    Here’s your links:

    There are many types of douchebag. But there is only one iconic template for Jerzey Guid. (warning: HCwDB cannot be responsible for eye gouging after viewing that pic)

    Hey Chive writers, I appreciate all the “inspiration” you keep drawing from my site, but could you at least toss a brotha a link when using my site’s name in your headline?

    Truth in Advertising.

    Friend of HCwDB, the sexy Suzie McCoppin is gettin’ her blog on by asking why DJs get so much ass?

    HCwDB legend and Closet of Poo enshrinee, Cheeto Man finds Love with Celery Woman. (warning: Pic is worse than the Orange Jerz Guid, HCwDB takes no responsibility for viewing this pic)

    In politics, Goldman Sachs to utilize ‘Douchebag Defense’.

    Retro Hipsterbag Origins: Gary Gnu from “The Great Space Coaster”

    Eagle-Eyed reader Alex tags a “Bags Jag.” Which is redundant.

    When white boys douche it up to rap in their dorm rooms for the camera, we’ll be there. To laugh at his pasty ass.

    Douche Glue. For when Crazy Glue doesn’t get the hair pointy enough.

    Now that’s some effen vodka!

    Okay, enough of the other links. I know what you want. And for all your hard work, you’ve earned not one, but two pears for this evening’s festivities.

    First, I give you Step Pear. Whose perfect ratio of curve defines 3.1415.

    And secondly, I give you the oily pat bottom perfection of:

    Sun Pear.

    Go forth, friends. Go forth and bongo.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, April 30, 2010

    The Diddler

    Preparing to take on Flex Luthor for world domination, The Diddler practices his pickup game at the local Sheboygan summer concert, “Failapalooza.”

    Featuring an amazing lineup including, the return of the Dokken tribute band, Rokken Dokken.

    Rokken Dokken features the actual members of Dokken. But they found calling themselves a tribute band brought higher booking rates. Because promoters think the irony factor works.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, April 30, 2010

    Ineeda Punchinthefacekowitz

    Last month we met Pleasy Punchmyfacekowitz.

    Now meet his brother, Ineeda Punchinthefacekowitz.

    Mr. Punchinthefacekowitz’s parents tweaked the family name after some confusion at Ellis Island in 1921. Back in Douchistan, the family name was originally “Isuckalpacanutsackowitz.” But the irate immigration officer ran out of patience with the spelling on “alpacanuts.” And the rest is history.

    Brunette Scarlett on the left doesn’t mind playing the hotter wingman to her less successful at dating friend, Carmen. That’s what friends are for.

    Well, that and bail money.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, April 30, 2010

    Friday Haiku

    Dorothy lost in
    Grease Forest of Choadkinland,
    smells like Toto’s poo.

    Hallo. My name is Vlad.
    I see you notice my tusk.
    I rip from wild boar.

    – End the Haberdouchery

    Tiger claw necklace?
    Dorothy, take Dad home now.
    Collar epic fail.

    – Bag A

    A used-up old jelly dong
    worn down to a nub
    hangs from the neck of a douche

    – Hot Buttered Poopcorn

    No innocence lost
    When enveloped around douche
    Shark died for his gut

    – Fyodor Dostedouchesky

    Hey, it’s the villian
    from the Beat It video!
    He likes young girls, too.

    – Bagnonymous

    Their reinactment
    Of flick, ‘The Professional’
    Fell short in wardrobe

    – Ex-Douche Machina

    Douchebag castrato
    Wearing his severed member
    Can hit that note now

    – Vin Douchal

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, April 29, 2010

    Hall of Hott: A Quorum is Called

    Numerous readers have written in requesting a quorum to discuss nominees for the Hall of Hott, with three finalists emerging.

    I believe one of the standards for earning a spot in our hallowed halls is longevity — a douche or a hott who stay with us. For the douche, like a skin rash or a meal with too much cheese. For the hott, like a warm sensation in the nethers, either an itch or a sunburn. Therefore I usually like to wait a few months before inducting a new member.

    But these ladies have all proven dedicated fans. Who keep emailing the DB1 demanding satisfaction. And by satisfaction, they mean our collective pixel paw.

    I put it to you, Greg. Which of these three should we allow entrance to our hallowed Hall of Hott?

    Hipsterbag Harold’s Corrie


    Corrie brings with her the wholesome unpolluted hottness of lilac scented body cremes and many “just friends” slamming their heads in car doors as she blithely traipses about campus in a miniskirt with a pokey bra.

    Corrie is the hottie who will laugh at your jokes.

    Play xBox.

    Leave you the last tater tot even though she didn’t each lunch. And tater tots are tasty.

    She is real world drinkability and collective knee fondle.

    Freddie Von Gimp’s Brenda

    An early favorite to make the Monthly, Brenda’s uberhottness was not enough to carry Freddie to the finish line in the face of Jed The Creepy Wankscrote.

    Brenda is lovely and ethereal.

    I desire to paw her collection of South American cooking books which she likes to use to make spicy dishes with the stainless steel kitchen set her uncle Frank bought her after she graduated from Penn.

    Yeah, I have no idea what I’m writing.

    But she is purity of gnaw.

    Dr. Rosentongue’s Maureen



    Maureen is a bit more challenging as the glasses hide the face.

    But what we do know is greasy slide of greased up sliding into belly button goodness and the girls sing “do de do de do, do de do do, de do, de do, do de do do, de do, de do, do de do dooooo…”

    Sax solo.

    Mmmm.

    Should all three go in?

    Two?

    One?

    None?

    Let me know your thoughts in the comments thread. And a new Hall of Hott member, or two, or three, may be virtually enshrined through collective fondle.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, April 29, 2010

    Jack Skullington Glares

    HCwDB legend Jack Skullington is still out there.

    To serve.

    And protect.

    And grope the hotties with his rad Mercedes arm tatt and stylin’ leather wrist straps.

    Kaylie requires a belly pooch. And I volunteer. Because, for love of country, I must pooch.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, April 29, 2010

    Ask DB1: “Daddy what’s a douche?”


    —–
    Dear DB1,

    On the way to school yesterday morning, a song comes on the radio with the title of something like “I am in Love with a Douche.”

    My 7 year old daughter asks me, “Daddy, what is a douche?”

    And I stared into space, not knowing what to do.

    I mumbled something about “a douche is a very vain man his into really into the way he looks” and then head faked her with a package of Ho-Ho’s. Can you please provide some parenting advice? Usually I would say honesty is the best policy, but can innocence not be spared?

    Signed,
    Daddy Douche

    —-

    Children, especially young girls, must be introduced to douche mocking at a very early age. This should not be hard, as usually by the third or fourth grade, uberbags have begun to assert their nascent assholic masculinity on the playground.

    Teach the young ones well. Do not couch the truth. Guide her well, and she will mock for a lifetime.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, April 29, 2010

    No More Patrick Pooing


    Yesterday’s Patrick Pooing writes in:

    —-
    Where in a picture on your website and would like it removed straight away.
    The picture is named ‘Pactrick Pooing’ updated on your site this morning – 28th at 9.21AM.

    I don’t know how you got hold of this picture, it is a private holiday picture and the comments have been very upsetting for my girlfriend I would like it removed immediately.
    —-



    On behalf of the comments threads participants, I know that where sorry.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, April 29, 2010

    Mr. Fromage

    Kim hates her uptight Korean father because he won’t shut up about how she needs to go back to school and finish her nursing degree.

    Mr. Fromage hates calico cats.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, April 28, 2010

    Attention RSS HCwDB Readers!!

    If you’re seeing this message and wondering why your RSS feed hasn’t posted any new HCwDB posts, it’s because you need to RESUBSCRIBE to the feed. Since I’ve moved the site over to WordPress, alls ya gotta do is click here, or go to:

    http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/feed

    And sign up to whatever aggregate thingy you’re using. Sounds easy? Not as easy as Purg Hottie will be once I ply her with some ‘Train.

    Come join HCwDB again. We’ve missed you.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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