Wednesday, June 30, 2010

HCwDB of the Month: The Sharkbag and Renee

Barely besting the Spike of Four Prong and the overachieving middle aged Lenny and Paulina, with The Lake Crotch Cactii in solid fourth, The Shark and Renee’s boobies were simply too impressive to overcome.

Witness the run: Goose Crotch BJsslutty Gina Gershon in ’95 hott,Shark With Boobies and Sharkbag and Renee.

The voters speak:

tall guy: In Sharkpud we have every representation of the axis of evil. The douche hair, the pouty/smartarse look, the Johnny Cash wannabee sartorial selection. Naysayers may say (?) he doesn’t even approach the doucherie of Four Prong and Lenny. I say different. Besides, something tells me Four Prong and especially Lenny would derive too much smug satisfaction from a monthly – itself a rather douchie thing. In summation, Sharkbag for the win!

Scooby Douche: Ima go for Sharkbag and Renee this month. Her fantastic boobs caused me to lick my computer screen for about 20 minutes. I would take mountaineering classes for years just to spend 30 seconds exploring those twin peaks. I could spend years exploring her cave. And Sharkbag, he’s a hard-working douche, what with that stupid hair and arm tat. And what’s that little brown thing in his mouth, a turd?

Mr. Biggs: we have to look to the zen moment of when a douchebag gets the intelligent, curious hott to surrender to his taint. And in this Sharkbag wins hands down. His capacity to sniff out and taint only the choicest of hott meat outdoes all the others. They don’t just pose with him. They bite, they perform mock fellatio, they show off their cleavage, all while he smirks for the camera. So Sharkbag for the win. And as he wins, we all lose.

Anonymous: I’ve never voted before, but Renee makes me do things I wouldn’t normally do. Sharkbag it is.

Hootie McDouche: Gotta be the Sharkbag. It is horrible to think that this choad/wank, this Douche in Extremis, this ugly asshat is floating around the party scene. While I sit here alone with a cat who has projectile diarrhea.

Whoop-di-Douche: Sharkbag and Renee ought to win this monthly, for his hair is as extreme as Prong’s but his Hott is so far above and beyond the usual proffering, I can hear the sizzle and see the smoke wafting off the screen.

Fyodor Dostedouchesky: Sharkie’s Machine for the win. Machine, as in he should be put through a meatgrinder and fed to real sharks, while Renee dons Jacqueline Bisset’s attire from “The Deep”.

Guns-n-Douches: The ink, the bottle-service posing, the f@cktacularly bad hairdoo-doo… (I stand up and applaud) Sharky, you have truly exceeded my expectations. You bring the hotts, the attitude, the image and I am afraid that you may actually reproduce. Well played sir. Sharky for the monthly.

Justin: Renee…still not calling me back? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you..didn’t you get my last 40 texts? You must be busy…I’m sure you have a lot going on, please….Renee…I love you. Sharkbag, keep your grubby mitts away from my girl. You dick.

Amerigo Vesdouchey: His douche aura could power a small town indefinately. His hair could give Roy Scheider nightmares. His hotts give me wood.

Pablo Sinatra: I was gonna say TLCC, but then I scrolled down and there was Sharkbag, the biggest douchebag I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t believe that every vote on this thread isn’t for him. None of the others even begin to approach this. In my version of reality, though, that’s an exploding cigar in his mouth, and seconds later, that smokin’ hot babe lights it and blows his be-mohawked head apart like a hand grenade.

chaserofthehott: Sharkbag must die, and by die I mean win, and by win I mean lose, Oh hell, Renee I love your breasts!

Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: Sharbag FTW. He has an aura of sleazyness that the others can’t match. Lenny comes close, but a fondness for ball-gags and public spanking does not an autoscrote make. The cactii are just garden variety ‘bags, and ‘Prong is just a collector of cell numbers that all mysteriously connect to the Sunshine Home for the Perennially Confused. Or the Free Clinic. Whichever.

ehcuodouche: I’d have to give the nod to the Shark, though, cause I really liked Gina Gershon in Bound. Shark doesn’t just pull in bimbos. That’s an NYU graduate pretending to fellate his Goose!

Hong Kong Douchey: Sharkbag FTW. He’s the most crowbar-able. Blue top on the right is the reason that “safe words” are needed.

Lurksalot: For me this guy has it all, the stupid tats, hilarious hair, props and bottle service, all signals of a bag giving it 100% in persuit of the quality hot. Oh and how it is all working for him, Renee has clearly tagged him as easy prey, to be milked for drink and blow even to the point of going home with the pud. Later he will bring his A-Game in the bedroom, sweating and gasping like some 3 rate porn star until sated, after which Renee will then retire to the bathroom to finish the job. He will wonder why she never returns his calls and why her and her friends giggle whenever they see him in the club. In the mean time he has the confident swagger of a douche at the top of their game, a veritable proto Samurai Scrote.
Sharkbag FTW.

Well said Lurks. Indeed, it may be the run of secondary pics, not just his initial Hannibal stoagie smoking pose, that takes The Sharkbag into a legit Yearly contender. That being said, Sharkbag just barely won, beating out the hard charging and epic, but ultimately prong-short Four Prong:

Dex: Four Prong! Never have I seen such an undeserving force of annoyance sweep westward from the Orient, tainting all in its path like the stench of so much kimchi. He’s lucky Lo-Pan isn’t around to see this. He would have the Three Storms wage magical war on his pitchfork on a hairdo, and steal all his paid-to-pose women. Because nobody out-macks Lo-Pan.

End the Haberdouchery: I’m still stuck on Four Prong’s Jordana Brewster hott, despite her awful tattoo and the fact that someone mentioned she was in porn. I can change her. All I need is two gallons of maple syrup, a stuffed badger, a nine iron, IcyHot, and two months in a log cabin deep in the Yukon from which we would both emerge emaciated and exhausted, but ultimately satisfied.

Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: This is a particularly tough installment, with Lenny’s over compensating old-baggery being enough to make me smack a manatee, and the Sharkbag’s ridiculous pizza-cutter hairdo. However, my vote must be for Four Prong. Not only because the K Sisters are more delicious than a New York Strip on Independance Day (with A-1 sauce, mashed potatoes and corn), but because while accepting his award and giving me the nod of appreciation, he might just poke my eyes out so as never to see him again. Please?

Bag Margera: Four Prong. Brings. The hotts. Every. Time. Why does he bring the hotts every time? It simply isn’t believable. I can justify the other candidates getting hotts by pointing to alcohol, low standards, and general filthy kinkiness. But four prong is so horrid looking, he transcends all flaws and poor choices in lady logic. There is no explanation and no justification. He is simply Four Prong, Douchebag of the month.

The ladies run cannot be argued with B.M, good points, and good work. Four Prong is pure spectacle, but “Douche Aura” is perhaps lacking. The Sharkbag’s sneer was just so much more punchworthy. And in third, but nearly tied with Four Prong, the aging nutsackery of Lenny and Paulina, who pulled mock from the older HCwDB ‘bag hunters:

Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamscote: Hairless Lenny the freak FTW because he stole my wife’s underwear and shaves like her too.

I R A Darth Aggie: I’m going to go with Lenny FTW. Mostly because I gotta support a douche my age (and admit that I’d ply Paulina with Goose and cranberry, rub cocoa butter into her skin, give her back rubs and read Shakespeare’s love sonnets to her), but also to piss off the Fire Crotch Cacti, Sharkbag, and Prong-bag.

RAPETIME: I need – I must – go with Lenny. He’s my age, maybe at best a couple of years older. He has done things to his body in the pursuit of the eternal charms of young, possibly blood relative snatch that I’d never dream of doing. He knows what he wants and he’s out there living the dream, which so few of us can or will do. Rock on, Lenny and your midlife crisis. You go get some, and may the rest of us be spared the need to join in the utter abdication of your dignity. I raise my glass to you, good sir, and hope you find the plundering of Paulina’s tight assets worth it. I’ll bet it will be.

Troy Tempest: Lenny FTW, and by win I mean loss, and by loss I mean ugly tatts on a roided out granpa and his hideous GSR and leather undies. Ugh. He is a blight on society.

Casey: Lenny FFS. Oldbaggery is one thing, but having “Death B4 Dishonor” tattooed on your abdomen like some East LA cholo is taking it to a completely different level. It was probably the name of his underground hip hop debut on No Limit Records for which he got tatted up for the cover where he GSR’d it on the hood of a rented Bentley. “I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME BIG GRAM-PA!” he raps on track 4.

And in fourth, but with legitimate support for real world douchescrotery and everyday girl cuteness, The Lake Crotch Cactii:

bigphatnottadouche:  Prong must have a fistful of 100’s to make the Hotts pose with him. Lenny is a scary old bag who has the wierd leather panties thing going for him. Sharkbag was more douchey but my vote goes to oil stains which are the Lake Catcii for fouling the shores in the western states.

Sir Douche A Lot: Lake Crotch Cactii FTW. The Top Gun shirts are really what makes them win over Prong. Sorry Prong.

melvil duchi: TLCC just because we should not have to see Four Prong and Lenny ever again. Sharkbag’s hots make him a worthy competitor but TLCC’s hots still have a chance to not be ruined. And I think the blonde on the left has a bottle of Boone’s Farm. Stay classy

Boone’s Farm is classy, M.D. but your point is taken. However this was the Shark’s week to sail off Renee’s boobies into the Yearly. Lets let Et Tu, Douche? take us home:

Sharkbag & Renee. He is all that is DB from the smirky smiles, to his overwhelming smugness, the hairdo, the studded belt buckle, index finger rings etc.,etc. He seems like the type who takes hours in front of a mirror to get ready before he goes out on the town. His overwhelming, obvious narcissism is disturbing and that self loathing, little to no self esteem Hott’s like Renee are attracted to that is a major contributor to the HCWDB essence. He brings all the douche signifiers, Renee brings the luscious mounds and thus they are my pick for the win

Indeed. They are lucious mounds. Chalk up the Shark and Renee for the win, and the DB1 for his safe travels to the East Coast. I’m on a strange computer, so apologies if formatting is as weird as Four Prong’s privates. Great work to all in yet another hilarious comments thread, and me for cereal. With sugar.

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# posted by douchebag1
Links n' stuff:
9:16 am June, 30 Crucial Head said...

Unless DB1 is sitting on a pile of douchier pics, this kid will not get out of the first bracket at this year’s Douchies.

9:24 am June, 30 mr.reeve said...

I agree with Crucial. Renee’s boobies and slutty ways are the only reason Sharkbag won.

9:39 am June, 30 Mr. Scrotato Head, Esquire said...

I imagine the conversations Sharkbag has with people he meets outside of the clubs go something like this:

SB: Hey, s’up?
Other Person: Excuse me?
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SB: Yeah, okay, so I gotta go.
Other Person: I’m sorry, did you say something?
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I’m pretty sure if I cut you open in your guts I’d find a dozen California rolls from Wal-mart’s deli, a plastic bag binding up your lower intestine (one billion dead sea birds and mammals! Dear God!), a couple used condoms, and the license plate to a 1996 Nissan Sentra that disappeared off Highway 101 about two years ago.
.
And Croosh got it right. You’ll be to the Yearly what Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy was to shark movies. You suck.

9:59 am June, 30 Bag Margera said...

Boy, oh boy, am I sick of looking at Sharkbag. I wish I could just sweep him under the rug and forget about him, like the Toronto Police are trying to sweep their fascism under the rug. But just like the fascism, Sharkbag cannot be hidden.
.
You are right DB, Four prong is lacking in douche aura, which is why I voted against him in the weekly. However in terms of douchebag gimmickry, Four Prong was the best contender. I expect to see him again at the end of the year.

10:01 am June, 30 Vin Douchal said...

All I ask is for one haymaker out of the blue, yes, a cowardly sucker punch from a running start that lands firmly on his chin forcing him to chomp off the tip of that cigar and choke on it until his face is a vague mix of colors from sea foam to crimson to chartruse as he points in panic at his own throat eyes bulging/pleading , at which I will send a forceable, swift kick in the groin that will double him over hard enough to jar the stuck nubbin from his wind pipe.
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And of course, he will thank me ..

10:40 am June, 30 the douche is alright said...

i’m AMAZED that four prong didn’t win. Four Prong must win some type of douchie, because god knows that sharkbag won’t win anything

11:23 am June, 30 anonymous said...

I agree that 4P may be as big a DB as SB, or even bigger, but Renee. OMG Renee. 4P’s just weren’t that hott, and all were P4P (as was noted by others).

Renee, people!

12:53 pm June, 30 Lost in translation said...

I think something is wrong with the commenting ability… The Waldouche thread is stuck on 3 comments.

…..this is a test.

2:01 pm June, 30 DarkSock said...

@ Lost in Translation: Yep; I get a big burgundy stripe down the middle when I go there. Much like the one White and Medusa’s laundry gimp gets when he asks for more porridge please.

3:38 pm June, 30 Deltus said...

Renee has a lovely set of San Giacomos (which is what I’m now going to call boobs when they meet these criteria: a) could be naturals b) big, and c) glorious.

7:25 pm June, 30 Steve L. said...

if it’s any consolation to Four Prongs, he probably has a bigger bank account than Sharkbag. but Prong can only buy free drinks. Sharkbag can buy free drinks OR mix them himself when he’s at work. that’s how Sharkbag’s got game.

10:21 pm June, 30 soy bomb said...

I disagree with some of the esteemed regs ’round here. Sharkbag must strike a chord with me or something, because I have him over Stackhouse for the yearly. I can’t even remember the other monthly ‘bags. I’m gonna ride Sharkbag (and especially Renee) till the bitter end.

10:25 pm June, 30 soy bomb said...

Jesus Christ. Just look at that douche. Look again. He’s the biggest f*cking douche to (dis)grace this site all year.

11:52 pm June, 30 Wheezer said...

Well, congrats Shartbag. I still think Stackhouse is gonna get all swole on ya and fistpump the shit outta the Douchies.

7:44 pm July, 2 Douchelips said...

I demand a recount! Four prong is the ultimate bag. Four prong is epic. Four prong has paid-to-pose hotties. Four Prong has FIVE prongs for god’s sake!

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