Saturday, July 31, 2010

    Ask DB1: More Nottadouches?

    —–
    Hey DB1,

    First of all, I love your site. I check it everyday and it makes me laugh. However, I do have one grievance with your site…and by my grievance, I mean this out of great respect.

    You often have douchebag of the month, douchebag of the week, etc….yet you do not have any nottadouche examples…As much as your site is funny, after looking at it, it can depress me to the point where Nickelback albums and Glenn Beck seem pleasant.

    Perhaps a photo of a non-douche with a hot chick can restore some hope for baghunters..I feel the site would be stronger if there was even more balanced reporting.

    Can you make a nottadouche of the week? This way, douchebags who view the site can see some examples of how to fix themselves.

    Keep up the great work. C heers,

    -Musicman
    —-

    While I do receive the occasional nottadouche with hot chick, and as hopeful as it can be, posting such false hope on HCwDB may imply the Grieco Virus plague is receding. And while our best efforts are slowing the tide and turning the ‘Bag into an object of ridicule, the mutations continue.

    Therefore it is the douche/hott coupling that we must continue highlight and mock if we are to have any hope of social redress.

    But for you, I’ll give you one. “Happy Kevin Finds Ass Pear.” Complete with Rareass Yellow Cup. Good for Kevin.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, July 30, 2010

    Friday Thoughts and Links

    If there’s one thing Ted knows, it’s that, whether you have abs or not, no time is the wrong time for ab reveal.

    Your humble narrator finds himself once again in New York, staring at the quality urbane Cityhotts in minidresses. This follows the classic formula that works like so:

    Winter Climate City + Dense Urban Population + Global Warming + late July + Excessive Humidity = Ubersexy Minidress Boobie and Leg Reveal.

    And betwixt their swishy thighs as they walk to the subway lies an endless hope of dreamland opportunity and alternate lives well lived in service of the imagination of possibility and dreamscape humpty hump.

    Here’s your links:

    Lets take a moment and welcome the latest sponsor of HCwDB, Sportsbook Review. Any of you online gamers who read the site, check it out. Remember, frequenting HCwDB’s sponsors helps keep the site going.

    If corporations can be people according to the Supreme Court, then cars can be douchebags according to HCwDB.

    Rick Pitinobag. Because raping the Celtics in the 1990s wasn’t enough satisfaction.

    Epic Duckface.

    Katy Perry and Russell Brand continue their push for a 2010 Celebrity HCwDB of the Year Douchie Award.

    Pro hockey player Paul Bissonnette of the Phoenix Coyotes lets out his inner Vegas ‘Bag.

    From way back in 2006, Howard Stern and Spike created a montage of one of the tastiest Ass Pears to ever fall off the Pear Tree.

    Douchebaguette Cam.

    President Obama: What is a ‘Snooki’?. As much good as I feel that I’ve done fighting the douchebag plague here at HCwDB, I face a lifetime of penance for giving the world Snooki.

    Even the Legos are turning into douchebags.

    Okay, that’s enough links for a Friday. You know what time it is. It’s time for Pear:

    Porch Pear.

    Enjoy. Gnaw. And in the immortal words of both Kool, but not his Gang: Yaah Heeww. Or was that the Gang, and not Kool? It’s Friday. Be sure to sow your wild Oates.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, July 30, 2010

    Brodie Says “Thanks for the Support Guise”

    Workout enthusiast, master thespian, duck hunter and all around cunning linguist, Brodie, updates his Facebook account:

    —–
    pretty pleased with what i achieved, used to be a chubby lil f#cka now i like to think i’m doin alright. let me know what you think, drop me a pm if you wanna know what routine i’m on.

    Monday — Chest + Abs + Cardio 30-45 Minutes

    Wednesday — Back + Abs + Cardio 30-45 Minutes

    Thursday — Legs + Abs + Cardio 30-45 Minutes

    Friday — Shaulders + Abs + Cardio 30-45 Minutes

    Saturday — Biceps and Triceps + Abs + Cardio 30-45 Minutes

    FMF: thanks for the support guise, i’ve already had bout 5 or 6 pm’s so instead of replying to them all i will just post the routine that helped me slim and get ripped help.


    —–

    I saw Get Ripped Help open for Bad Brains in 1989 and they were awesome.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, July 30, 2010

    Mandana Morrie

    Here’s a classic case of a late stage-1 or early stage-2 ‘bag. Don’t get me wrong, Morrie’s a pudz, to be sure. Wearing the adouchetributes because he thinks it’ll help him get some quality pear, but his heart just isn’t into it.

    Shave the chin pubes, take off the Mandana, lose the bling, and go back to trying (and failing) to get a summer job at Carl’s Jr, Morrie, and all will be forgiven.

    As to Vanessa, her heaving bosoms and pale lickable Cleavite reveal require a deep and cleansing Windex scrub using only the softest of imported Tuscan toilet paper.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, July 30, 2010

    Friday Haiku

    Wonderbread lake turds,
    Burnt to a douchebag crisp,
    No hott, so here’s pear.

    Douches forgot their
    SPF. God smites them with
    nuclear sun rays.

    – Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

    Call Carl Spackler
    to get three pieces of poo
    out of Bushwood Lake

    – dknutty

    Overcome by fumes
    Burnt by the tanning bed sun
    Twin choads flank MILF Hott

    – SonnyChibaChoad

    Oil slick rises up
    Takes a semi-human form
    and poses for pic.

    – Hot Buttered Poopcorn

    Microscope view shows
    paramecium party;
    single brain cell ‘bags.

    – Wheezer

    Fart squealching grimace
    Proud choads pose with their mom
    Won chili contest

    – Vin Douchal

    Tony’s blue blockers
    Can’t stop Tina’s fake knockers
    All three are Fokkers

    – saulgoode42

    Lake trip mem’ries fade
    But some things last forever
    Like melanoma

    – Mr. Scrotato Head

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 29, 2010

    Speedo Mike = Autodouche

    I don’t care if you’ve committed no other culture crimes whatsoever.

    No Groin Shave Reveal, no bizarre facial fung, no orange tan, no spikey faux, no Axe bodyspray, no tribal tatts, no hand gestures, no popped collar and no excessive bling.

    If you wear a speedo, you are autodouche.

    No exemptions.

    No one wants to see your bits, Mike. I realize you’re a salesman at Best Buy in Reno, and this is your one weekend to let loose, but no excuses. You are ‘Bag.

    Carrie and Corrie, I realize both of you need to eat a cheeseburger. But I will forgive you your lack of caloric intake by massaging your ankles with melted garlic and a touch of ginger. Because I care.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 29, 2010

    Ask DB1: The Plight of the Tattoo Artist


    ——
    DB1,

    I come to you with a concern of personal and professional impact.

    As an artist, I have noticed in the last five years a steady increase in people hiring me to design tattoos for them. It’s quick, easy work, and I certainly don’t mind doing it.

    But, as a self-aware ‘bag hunter (and slayer), am I contributing to the rising tide of scrotal filth? I know that it’s the person behind the tattoo, and the presentation and attitude thereof, that really brings things together into a comprehensive douche-whole, however I fear that we may have passed the point where getting a tattoo is a pure indication of the douchebag attitude.

    Are tattoos at the point of being auto-douche, or is there still a niche for tattoos with artistic merit, that are free of the douchebag label?

    What is the state of tattoos in general as a douche-signifier? Should I continue to design tattoos as artistic, non-contrived pieces in a hope that I’m not part of the problem?

    Or, if tattoos really are auto-douche, by what margin should I increase my prices?

    Fight the good fight,
    Dex

    —–

    Tattoos are not inherently autodouche, but they are an early warning signifier, a “Here There May Be Douche” signpost on the body. Some tatts, however, are tasteful and artistic, and if not displayed obnoxiously, are not automatically ‘bag.

    Excessively bad tattoos, however, of meaningless “cool” insignias (tribal tatts, skulls, etc) are a stage-3 uberscrote.

    The key is not in the tattoos, but in their display in service of larger douchebaggery.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 29, 2010

    Biff The Bouncer ‘Bag

    We haven’t featured some quality meaty meat bouncer douches on the site in awhile, so here’s Biff, working to pay off his parole one night shift at “Club Pure” at a time.

    Even with 1970s porn star chin pube and tribal tatt, I kinda like Biff’s self awareness, so I’m going stage-2. Douchey, but redeemable.

    Mmmm… Courtney and Michelle. Middle age ladies should burn and rage at closing of the rope. So do not go gentle into that good VIP section. Rage, rage, against the fading of the tight.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 29, 2010

    ‘Bag / Nottabag?

    Shifty Shawn reeks of DJ Douchepoo aura and smug entitlement as he bothers the delightfully pure and filtered glass of hottwater that is Ambiguously Eastern European Elisa.

    But without more obvious adouchetributes, do we have enough evidence to convict?

    Mmmm… Ambiguously Eastern European Elisa. I would listen to your high pitched laugh over your inability to understand English, and then I would awkardly follow you to the bathroom, inexplicably get jealous of the catering guy who offers you a pig in a blanket, then wait outside the bathroom until security asked me to leave. And then I would go to In-n-Out and enjoy a tasty double double.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 29, 2010

    Reader Mail: Soldier “A” Loses Faith in Humanity Because of Douchebags


    —–
    Dear DB 1.

    I’ve been in the army for 10 years. I’m currently deployed for the 3rd time to the Wild Wild West A.K.A Afghanistan.

    I’m happy to say that this will be my last tour because I’m getting out of the Army. The reason being is a combination of your site and the fact that I lost all faith in humanity.

    After 9/11 and Iraq I thought that being a soldier and fighting for American people and possibly dying for my country was the greatest achievement I could ever accomplish. Sadly now my views have changed.

    I don’t believe our society along with Douchbags found on our site, Lindsey Lohans, and Jersey shore morons is worth saving! I could never live with myself knowing that each day young 20-something American Soldiers lose their lives while we get to watch, read, and hear about the cast of Jersey Shore ring the opening bell on the NY stock exchange!!!

    -A

    —-

    Have faith, A, and when you get your ass back stateside, I’m giving you one more mission: Hott Saving. To paraphrase the Torah, he who saves one Hott from a preening pretend tough-guy douchebag, saves the world.

    You’ve served your country. Now, when you get home, get to work saving the hott from the ‘bag. Only then will your mission be accomplished.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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