Thursday, September 30, 2010

    Woody Woodpanel

    Woody Woodpanel knows how to multitask.

    Cell phone call + hand gesture = stone cold badass.

    And by stone cold badass, I mean chestshave revealing ass gargle.

    Carole and Rachel think of ways to excuse themselves. But since they haven’t put the lotion in the basket, they must remain.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, September 30, 2010

    Where’s Waldouche?: Boatbag Edition

    Somewhere in this lineup of fantastically leg curved slightly aging but still sexy partying moms off the coast of Montauk, I’ve carefully hidden a shturpy Boatbag.

    Look closely.

    Can you find him?

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, September 30, 2010

    The Vegas Seafood Surprise

    Crustacean’s to the left of me.

    Fish Slap to the right.

    Here I am, stuck in the middle with poo.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, September 30, 2010

    The Golden Bags

    Ed Hardy shorts make the Baby Moses spittle.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, September 30, 2010

    HCwDB of the Week: Vlad the Inhaler and Natasha

    Between this pic and Licky Nip, Vlad sniffed out the win, just barely edging Jimmy Scribble and Hott Bikini Hannah.

    The voters speak:

    Justin: Vlad for the win, due to a ridiculously high level of face punchabillity and ridonkulous ass pear.

    Charles Erasmus Douchewin: Vlad constipated kissy-face makes me want to pummel him with little kittens until he finally sucks a couple up that massive umbrella nose of his and asphyxiates. And Natasha. Oh, the exceptional adaptation that is bootylicious curve has clearly been designed explicitly to maximize fitness. Particularly mine.

    Fatness: Vlad looks the classic punchable Jerz pud and Natasha looks like she could empty me and my bank accounts without breaking a sweat. The others look like failed MTV audition excerpts.

    Douchey Lewis and the News: Vlad the Inhaler and Natasha FTW. This guy looks like Tim Tebow…I hate Tim Tebow!

    End the Haberdouchery: Unless the back of his shirt is on fire, he has no reason to take it off. I want her to dispense my toothpaste using a tube of Colgate and those powerful ass cheeks. Dental hygiene FTW.

    Chris in ‘Baghdad: Vlad the Inhaler! He may not be a vampire, but the douche lips, faux yawn and feigned inattention to the affections of bosomy Natasha are over the top.

    douche bagel: vlad him self is immaterial, but his sneer is one that legends are made of and is rumored to be a direct decendent of the romans. for vlad does not own that sneer, that sneer owns vlad. 1 min in a room with this guy and i would be considering self mutilation just to redirect the pain. vlad FTL

    DayGloGuido: Natasha’s wealthy, rotund suplitude is making my groin ache like a dry riverbed in the Kalahari.

    The Goob the Bag and the Pudly: Vlad is positively radiating doucheosity, and clearly those pics were taken in his grandmother’s house, exacerbating the grotesque failure of his existence, thus proving the nonexistence of a benevolent God. Also, that chick has a lot of badonk to grab hold of, and her willingly applying tongue to that fetid slab of scat makes me even more cynical about the future of the world.

    Turdacious: Vlad FTW, Even though it looks like Natasha found him under a bridge and brought him home to piss off dad. he reeks of Douche

    douchesquire: Rocking that hard stare with pierced moobies, and whatever is going on with his eyebrows, garners my vote. That and Natahas full figuredness that gives me morning wood.

    Nicely targeted, D.S. Natasha’s lack of love from some of the voters astounds me. She is Pear personified. And Vlad is douchal innovation personified. But The Scribbler and Hannah’s curves found enough support to almost pull out the win:

    Noname Joe: Definitely Jimmy Scribble, as his side-torso tattoo actually says, “Gimmick,” which is self-critical to the extreme. If only it said, “Filled with self-doubt; another tattoo will make me whole,” in script (or in Chinese characters).

    Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang: Hott Bikini Hannah has me reaching for an oxygen tank like a fat defensive lineman who just picked up a fumble and ran 50 yards for a touchdown. Jimmy & Hannah FTW all the way.

    jonezy: His moderate success of being photographed with Hannah-Hott only emboldens his douchiness, and as I see, he will evolve in the manner of the greats such as DD & FFS, slowly compiling tribal tatts and GSR in the never ending quest of chasing tail.

    Deltus: Jimmy Scribble has the dedication to real choadwankery that I like to see in the Weekly winner. He’s permanently defaced himself with tatts that make tribal shoulder tatts look positively reasonable and tasteful. Add on the lip piercing, huge ass sunglasses, and almost-GSR, and you have a lose-lose combo the others cannot touch. And Hannah hott is the only one in the group that makes me want to touch my privates lasciviously.

    The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Write in vote this week. And by write in I mean Scribble. He’s the only one trying to douche it up and she looks like she bathes.

    Eliza Douchecoo: This guy looks like he smells like raw chicken breast that’s been sitting out for a couple of days on the back porch at my Grandma’s house in Daytona Beach.

    Whoop-Di-Douche: his fingernails would make a manicurist swallow some serious pain-killers with her morning coffee. Hott Hannah’s thin-line brows are as skimpy as her yellow bikini, and might be construed to be as narrow as her taste in men.

    Poor JaBooty. So little mock for the unemployed garbage contracter from Dorchester and his collegiate hottie friends.

    mr.reeve: In honor of the troll named “Vegas Ass Kicker” I have to vote for JaBooty and Carly/Kimmy FTW. JaBooty is what I imagine VAK to look like if we ever come across a picture of this Choad Juice Extract.

    RAPETIME: I gotta go with JaBooty, as he looks as though he’s functioning without a working brain stem. I can imagine him standing, rigidly catatonic, in one spot forever. I wonder what thoughts, if any, go through his shattered cortex when the likes of Carly and Kimmy stand next to his frozen, wax-sculpture like body. Probably something along the lines of “I have to pee…”

    Douchelips: Even though JaBooty’s hotts are notts. I still give him my vote for the weekly win. He’s trying SO hard to get it, he deserves it!

    JaBooty’s ladies just didn’t pull their weight enough to make much of a dent, alas. This was Vlad’s innovative shirt move and Natasha’s beauty rump, in combo, for the win/loss. Lets let CBS take us home:

    Vlad really knows how to make himself look like an idiot. He has honed the look over time. the other two just stumbled upon idiotic appearances bc their personality couldn’t steer them straighter. Vlad on the other hand is a true deviant. He may feel like Niko Bellic but he looks like latin Al Bundy. This look could be referred to as the Friday day night wifey beatdown. This guy is a true bedroom bully…with the house cat. That is quite the bodacious rump on his lady friend too making my decision easy…another posting with ass in my face is definitely a must see.

    Well said, CBS. Only a few Monthlys left before the 2010 Douchie Awards in December, so it’s getting down to the edge. Chalk up The Inhaler and Natasha for the first slot in the next Monthly, and your humble narrator for New York coffee and everything bagels.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, September 29, 2010

    Groin Fung Reveal

    For the Real Debutantes of East Hampton, no poolboy is worth suffering the dreaded “Groin Fung Reveal.”

    I see you, Tiny Brunette Giggler Snocone Melter Art History Major, Lucille. I would tickle your poochbottom with an emu feather, and then cry softly for my lost childhood blankie, Mr. Cuddlesworth.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, September 29, 2010

    The Baglionaire

    In global news: One of Australia’s top ten richest people is a huge Russian douche bong.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, September 29, 2010

    Another Reader Comments on Toronto’s “Kleenex Mafia”

    Your humble narrator has arrived safely in New York, and ready to resume the mock. Checking my in-box, Toronto’s raging douche plague Typhoid Marys, The Kleenex Mafia, have provoked Craig to write in:

    ————
    DB1,

    This type of toilet bowl fungus, and their ilk, have become a blight upon what was once a fine city. I left ten years ago, at the first sign of what may very well have been the harbinger of this current Kleenex Mafia pudwankery.

    A sad state of affairs to say the least. And with the Toronto International Film Festival, one of the city’s most carbon neutral events, these hoitytoity types are sure to be out, doing whatever it is they do, and making a general nuisance of themselves.

    Send your corespondent down to The Drake during this upcoming orgy of conspicious douchebaggery, I think that is where the mothership will be docked. It’s far enough away from ground zero, Bay and Bloor Sts., to take advantage of cheaper parking rates, but still crawling with DB wankers and their ‘botoxed stiff” arm candy. Hey, whatever floats your boat!

    Regards, from well north of Toronto,
    Craig

    ————-

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, September 29, 2010

    HCwDB of the Week Bumped to Thursday

    Since your humble narrator is flying to New York as we speak, I’m bumping the Weekly to tomorrow. However, updates will resume shortly as soon as I’m off this here plane.

    In the meantime, when done mocking this Wikipudwack hitting on his older sister’s B.F.F., Brazilian Emo Hulk eats your soul.

    .

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, September 28, 2010

    Ask DB1: The Married Douche


    ——-
    Dear DB1,

    I’m in a bit of a quandary. I have followed your site for quite some time now, and although I feel I am well versed in the ways of the douche, there is an elementary paradox that threatens the very definition of the “douchebag”.

    By definition, the basic douchebag preens, greases, inks and basically creates the scrotal spectacle that is poo, all in the hopes of wrangling sweet boobie suckle thigh, correct?

    What about the guy who is successful in this endeavor and ends up MARRIED to the hott he initially attracted with his craptastic display, yet continues his poo-trified ways? Technically, he should no longer be in pursuit of glorious ass pear, but there he is, in all his spikey-haired, Ed Hardy-wearing, 6-lb watch-sporting glory. Is he, by basic definition, still a douchebag?

    What say you DB1?
    – Manswine1 (Formerly “douche”, but recovering nicely due to your site)

    ——

    Once the male has married, he is no longer effectively “on the prowl,” so his potential to douche it up in pursuit of hott is reduced.

    It is not, however, eliminated.

    Douchebaggery is far more about being seen with the hot chick to prove one’s self worth in the societal hierarchy (via proof through pics on the internetz), than it is about actually scoring with the hot chick.

    Married men are quite capable of douching it up to pursue hotts (or just their wife) in our image-codified online society of the spectacle. Therefore while opportunities to ‘bag it up can be diminished by marriage, in no way is marriage enough to mark nottadouche.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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