Orangest Orange
Here are the finalists for the coveted 2010 Douchie, “Orangest Orange:”
Orangest Orange Finalist #1: Dr. Redderick Lobster
Who says dorky Long Island podiatrists can’t hit on hotts enough to make it to the Douchie Awards?
Dr. Lobster is an unholy amalgam of beets, flop sweat and too much porn consumption.
From back in May, Redderick didn’t win any awards.
But he sure did bother his second cousins enough for them to awkwardly exuse themselves and head back towards the punch bowl where more people were gathered.
Orangest Orange Finalist #2: Dr. Orangelove
From back in January, this strange, creepy silver crotch is our second doctor competing for the coveted Douchie Award.
He is orange.
And very strange.
Perhaps performative.
But no excuse for that color.
Unless he’s playing a nuclear holocaust survivor. Then, maybe. Or maybe not.
I want to towel snap him in the nads.
Then hit on his emo B.F.F. until she cries while listening to Leonard Cohen covers.
Orangest Orange Finalist #3: Mandarin Orange
From all the way back in late February comes this warmed over orange frybag.
Sure it’s easy to make “Asian Orange” jokes.
And yes, I will rely on easy ethnic humor as a substitute for actual creativity.
Because that’s what happens when you write posts every day.
The easy becomes easy.
So I’ll make Orange Beef chinese menu jokes, and then hate myself afterwards.
Orangest Orange Finalist #4: The Orangeman of Canceria
From early August. While this is more a case of greasy-ass crimson than orange, The Orangeman of Canceria earns the last slot in out finals
And that’s saying something, as there were tons of quality contestants for Orangeosity, including The Carrot, Red Lobster, The Nuked Papayrus, Gnome Chompsky, The Purple Nurples, The Juice Singer, and the hardest one to leave off, Night Oranger (due to possible strange south American performance tendencies). I’m also bumping Pistachio Pavel, since he’s up for the Douchie of the Year.
Which of these four artificial skin cancer patients deserves the coveted 2010 Douchie Award?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
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Mandarin Orange gets my vote.
His hotts are hott and his orange glow is blinding. It might just be a god awful sunburn or it might be from too many hours in the tanning bed, either way I want to kick him in the balls and ask him if he wants fried rice with that.
Dr. Redderick Lobster for the win. His name is hilarious. His age is mockworthy. His douchebling is so douchey that all cameras on the planet are programmed to flash it out of the picture. and he’s got two delectable juniors from kappa kappa that have finally worked off their freshman fifteen. Dr. Orangelove is too scary, I give mandarin orange an asian leniency forgiveness, and I never want to see the GSR of orangeman of canceria ever again. Ever. Therefore, Dr. Redderick takes the Douchie
Orangeman of Canceria could be ethnic discoloration. Same for Mandarin Orange.
Dr. Redderick Lobster, please. Jewish dudes from Manhasset just don’t come in that color.
Night Oranger was robbed!
I have seen Crimson Ted. There are no others that can compare.
That being said, the good Doctor must win my vote. Although his color is fearsome, and smacks of a Therac-25 accident, his winning edge is that scrote collar he’s sporting. The medallion is so bright that you gotta wear shades. Like my future.
Second cousin in the left of the photo will be good for smashing out one or two spankfests on my meat manatee.
Dr. Redderick Lobster
Dr. Feelbad aka Dr. OrangeyougladImnotyourproctologiststein aka Dr. Redderick Lobster gets my vote. Not only is he a unnatural color he’s also sporting eye blinding bling. This guy is the posterman for “Male Mid-Life Crises Monthly” magazine.
@Stackhouse, good call. Maybe there is some intelligence left in that coke-laden-Ultra-soaked brain of yours.
Teh Doc gets my vote. Dr. Redderick Lobster
Doctah Lobstah is IN!!
medusa was saying something in another thread about young, innocent ladies being hopelessly attracted to shiny sparkly things. it seems to be only rational explanation for these two smokers the doctor has.
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regardless, i’d intentionally break my legs for the chance to ask either one of his receptionists for the sign-in sheet at his podiatry office. and i wouldn’t mind when they were too busy texting their bff’s to open the door for my wheelchair.
I was soooo looking forward to The Pistache taking this one….his tang glow is one of a kind….oh well.
The good Dr. Lobster seems to be in mid life crisis faze so I’m counting him out…..Orangeglove is 99% gaybag(for her sake I hope)……and Canceria smells of stripper and Hydroxycut……
which leaves Mandarin….to cover up your natural yellow hue Asian one…is not….um….natural…..unless you recently overdosed on duck sauce and the toxins are poreous….no excuse. MANDARIN DUCKSAUCE GETS MY VOTE!
Dr. Lobster Melanoma – ftw.
I gotta vote for #1, Doc Lobster (dowwwwwn, dowwwwn). He’s extremely orange and has absolutely no excuse for being that way. On top of being orange, he’s also a pretty decent oldbag with some good signifiers. The other guys are either performing (2 and 4), or just not douchy enough besides the orange (3).
Doc Lobster!
As much as I like supporting us oldbags, all I can say is sorry Dr. Lobster, as Mandarin Orange charges ahead FTW. Who is readily contrasted by the two healthy-toned hotts on either side.
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Look on the bright side, Mandarin: that spray on tan stuff doesn’t cause cancer. Unless it’s actually Agent Orange, in which case whoops.
Motion in the ocean,
The tanning bed broke.
Chain around his neck,
Maybe he’ll choke.
Doc Lobster!
Dr. Redderick Lobster. Even though the big gold chain is a joke, nobody would take a joke so far as to become that color. He’s a dentist or an accountant and old enough to know better.
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He should be pelted with day old bagels.
>b>Mandarin Orange for the win. I know that the quality of hotts shouldn’t sway the vote, only the deepness of orange, but I just can’t get my brain away from the idea of those two barbie dolls locked in a 69.
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This vote brought to you by the official band of this category
In this category I have to vote for the most pathetic version of orange and that can only be Dr. Redderick Lobster. Dude, embrace your fading youth and move to a higher plain of consciousness. In your current state you just look like a huge douchebag.
Dr. Redderick Lobster. I think he would look rather normal if the orange were removed.
Get Some, turpentine
I vote for Mandarin.
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He’s young and decent-looking enough that this discoloration is even more irritating. Second, it looks like he smudged the Sharpie he was using to apply his eyebrows. And third, his hotts are far and away the hottest.
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His unnatural hue is accentuated by contrast with those girls’ healthy, Malibu surfer groupie glow, beautiful smiles and white tops.
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Plus– cleavage.
Dr. Redderick Lobster holds a special place in my heart for his douchey ways. His two cousins hold a special place in my pants. Two all natural non bleaths. I like it!
Anyone else feel like shutting down and drinking until the new year or maybe its just me and I have a problem. Get some, alcohol
oh man, I was planning on voting for Lobster all the way due to the incredible bling sparkle that is so perfect it must be photo-shopped fake. The contrast is astounding.
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But I must cast my vote for Mandarin Orange. For it represents two of my favorite things: ogling super Hott chicks and jokes about Asians.
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M.O.’s super hot Hotts are the white rice to his kimchi. Seriously, those two are outrageously hot. M.O. should be applauded for his decision to work in the Silicon Valley of Hottness that we see here.
If corporations could sponsor douches, there would be Varathane stickers all over Doc’s body.
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Dr. Redderick Lobster FTW.
Dr. R. Lobster gets my vote. It’s difficult to tell exactly how old this shmendrik is, but he really looks old enough to know better. Plus, the nubile shana maidel to his right is giving me lusty thoughts at the moment.
Redderick Lobster FTW.
Mandarin Orange/Orasian FTW. He is asian, he’s orange, he’s fuccen scary! Plus he has the hotts to back him up! Too bad they aren’t equally hued, as there would be an “Oran-gina” joke to be made. He looks the guy from “Mythbusters” after one of their experiments went horribly wrong!
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3486/3759577696_1e64fb7384.jpg
Doc Lob FTW with the lovely Dianna and Genivieve waiting in the lobby of the Asuka Japanese Steakhouse. Happy and perky just come to mind when looking at the hotts with the good doctor.
It’s a two citrus fruit race, and a tight one at that. Admittedly, if you peeled the skin off of Mandarin Orange he would be just as aglow inside as without, my vote has to go to the Doc Lobster. Mainly because I can just hear his nasal New York accent as he absorbs your comments; “Orange? What? Orange? Are you kidding? No, No! This is what? Tanning? Pffft. No, this is my normal color. I’m serious. What, you don’t believe me?! Get the f*ck out of here. This is my natural color. No, you get the f*ck out. So, you wanna go out? Right, okay. Alright, same time next week right? Remember to massage those babies or they’ll get hard.”
Doc Lobster makes my penis shrivel. So he wins.
Did I ever mention that I love……..YES! In every post.
gotta be Dr.
Orangleove is at work or doing something performative and the other two indicate an ethnicity where that just may be their skin tone. The asian guy may also be drunk and getting red from that.
AoD
FTW, Dr. Redderick Lobster. He is wrong on so many levels and the girl on his right is naughty LI JAP Hotty who I’m imagining is quite adventurous in the sack.
Dr. Orangelove FTW.
His is a true orange, a pure orange, untainted by any other color.
Dr. Reddick Lobster outshines the rest of this field. He’s almost Boehneresque in his orangeness.
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Additionally, the hotts with him are paler than the others– indeed, even more so than D. Orangelove’s pallid goth-mistress of the night (or mid-morning, as the case may be). The juxtaposition of those pristine, alabaster faces next to Lobster’s deep and aberrant tincture (or rather, “tainture”) put the issue easily to rest. He surpasses everyone else’s incandescence, as the most orange douche of the year.
Blast my inadequate proofreading! It’s “Redderick” not “reddick.’ you churl!
And “Dr. Orangelove” not “D. Orangelove.”
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Mercy! What next, Goob?
Dr. Orangelove FTW. The other guys could maybe play it off as either ethnic color differences or the demands of body building, but Dr. Orangelove just looks wrong and bizarre. There’s no way of excusing that
M.O. FTW. Because he’s a heaping, steaming serving of General Tso’s Poop.
M.O. could also constitute a serving of Ca-Ca Chicken. He deserves to win.
Hong Kong Douchey rocks the B-52′s. Nicely done. And coincidentally, if you reference B-52 on the Dutchboy paint charts you come up with “Exposed Muscle”.
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Which, if you’re thinking of painting your family room any time soon, goes quite well with “Chaw Stain Gingivitis”.
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True story.
Let’s see– Orangelove is daring, I’ll give him that. He’s out in broad daylight, accessorizing his Chernobyl-sheen with giant shades, metallic silver hotpants and a tie– pretty douchey.
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The others could plausibly blame their color on bad indoor lighting, which I think is the case with Orangeman of Canceria. Plus, he’s pretty fit and shirtless indoors, so it’s fairly likely that he’s a stripper or performer of some sort.
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Considering the hotts, the choice would be clear: Mandarin’s blond beauties decimate their challengers like Stackhouse does to his gametes. But this equation should factor the color more heavily.
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I must go with Dr. Redderick Lobster. As if it’s not ridiculous enough to be a man in his fifties mackin’ on those young muffins (hopefully they’re just his daughters or nieces), consider the hairline, the way he’s bedizened himself with a garish necklace, and the deep sinopia tint of his skin. Yahweh, why?!!
Dr. Redderick Lobster for being old enough to know better. I’m sure a divorce in the late 40s is painful, but slathering yourself in a bronzing agent and wearing cornea-searing bling is not the way to attract a new mate. I’m also digging the real lawn-guyland-gal-next-doah hotness of those two lasses who have unfortunately been ensnared in his lobster trap. Get a match.com profile, wash off the orange and leave the young ladies alone doctor, mid-life desperation is out this year.
Mandarin gets my vote, because his hotts are tasty hot!
Dr. Orangelove is pretty hilarious there. Honorable mention.
Dr. Lobster might not even be human. Have we verified he’s not some sort of android? That said, there was still none oranger than he.
This is a decision which would be better made with a color wheel, so I’ll modify the question to, “Who would I rather see run over by a fruit truck and dragged several miles across rough pavement to an unspeakably, painful death?”
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The answer: Orangeman of Canceria, by a lymph node.
Dr. Redderick Lobster, FTW. He’s one of those guys where one look at him can tell you his whole life story.
Divorced last year, Doc Lobster has decided to ‘have fun’, something his ex, Nancy, never let him do. So the good Doc got a membership at “Heaven is a Spa” tanning and borrowed his son’s shirts and bling to impress the two new interns at his midtown dental practice. The young ladies like the tan, don’t they?
Fucktard.
On color alone……how could you not pick Lobster?
Gotta go with Mandarin Orange on this one. His color is the most unnatural looking.
Dr. Redderick Lobster FTW. He’s like the Brett Favre of douche. He should have hung it up 2 years ago.
Dr. Redderick Lobster.
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He steals socks
This Verse is the Chronicles of Redderick, and we’re all just living in it.
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Beware the Necro-Orangers.
I’m giving it to Doc Red Lobster by a shade over Mandarin Orange. Mandarin’s “blonde” hotts have spectacularly perky boobies, but they’re in the pic with him “just to be nice” – they’re not actually with him as are Doc Lobster’s brunettes. And Doc’s using the fake coloration (and a bit of Grecian, natch) to cover his aging 43-year-old self. Douche, douche, douche. Just embrace it, Doc. You can’t run away from it.
Doc Lobster for all that is burnt sienna and unholy.
Dr. Redderick gets my vote. For starters the blinding gold medaillion attached to a chain thick enough to lift a piano seals it—with that, he could be green, and still ge my vote. Then he adds the wall of teeth that look like they could crush rocks, and the fact that the expression on his unnaturally orange face is one of conviction: conviction that the fake tan is why he’s in the picture between his…daughters? I think we can all at least agree with that, even if we don’t all vote for him. My man thinks he got gaaaaaame.
After careful consideration, I am compelled to vote for the Orangeman of Canceria. The other viable candidate is, of course, Dr. Redderick, but he looks too much like my non-orange, highly adept chiropractor for me to vote for him. The O of C has no such excuse and further, I think Redderick has better hotts.
Oh my! Even Opus has gone douche.
http://imgsrv.gocomics.com/dim/?fh=095190a8e18c584a953c4e34868fbac0&w=900.0
I’ma gonna hava to go-a witha Dr. Redderick Lobster M.D. (Medicated Douchebag).
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While the other two are truly horrifying in their own rights (especially Orangeman of Canceria: aka The Real OC) nothing says ‘couldn’t try harder even if I wanted to’ like maintaining an all-year round Reggae Reggae Sauce corium. It would be expected of the others to slap on the gravy granules,but, oh doctor, how could you!? Tut tut. His nieces’ barely contained laughplosions also heighten the drama nicely.
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Can someone please call a doctor? Oh.
No contest. Orangeman of Canceria. He’s taken his orangeitude to a new level of sweaty, greased up, groin shave revealing, creepy crustacean toxicity. And like with the heikegani crab where one can make out the image of a samurai warrior’s face on the shell, if one stares at Orangeman’s abdomen for long enough you can clearly see the visage of Ernest Borgnine staring back at you.
2, man.
1 order of Mandarin Orange Chicken, please. I cast my vote for the Asian guy because I’m Asian, and the only thing that sickens me worse than bad Chinese food is Asian douchebags. Our culture commends paleness as a sign of wealth; tanning is frowned upon. Get down with your natural glow and stop slathering your face with chemicals in order to attract blond boobie-bounce!
My vote’s for Dr. Redderick Lobster. Not only is he an old bag, but his bling is actually shining in the camera’s flash. Here we have photographic evidence of the “douche aura.” This is like a episode of Ghosthunters–except for the fact that we actually have evidence of something here.
Sorry people, but I said this last year, and no one listened then, either.
Orange is a value with a number. In RGB colour space, these are the numbers:
RED = 255 0 0
YELLOW = 255 255 0
Orange (therefore) = 255 128 0
I put them all into photoshop. Then I selected the skin of each. Then I pasted each onto its own file with a transparent background and ten went to image size and reduced each image to 1 pixel in height and width, with a 1 pixel per inch resolution. This instantaneously averaged the colour together, and I just used te eyedropper to sample it and collect the values. Then I compared that value against the value for pure orange and the result?
Mandarin Orange is the most orange.
Here are the Values for each:
Dr. Lobster: 140 62 40
Mandarin Orange: 177 88 45
Dr Orange Love: 197 138 101
Orangeman : 100 46 15
Basically, I took 255.255.0 and from it I subtracted the subject numbers as a variance. and added up the values. going by variance prevents “negative numbers” giving us a closer “number of fidelity” to orange difference value.
Example: Mandarin
ORANGE 255 128 0
Mandarin: 177 88 45
====================
total: 78 + 40 + 45 = 163
Note Orange love was VERY close:
ORANGE 255 128 0
OLOVE 197 138 101
===================
total 58 10 101 = 169
The Least Orange was Orangeman
ORANGE 255 128 0
OMAN 100 46 15
====================
total: 155 82 15 = 252
Dr Lobster came in at 221.
So, there ya go kiddies. Science answers your questions. Mandarin is the most orange.
I was told there would be no math…
Why not put them all in a giant press and see who has the most juice?
Mandarin Orange garners my vote. To dip one’s self in diarrhea is one thing, to smear it all over two (semi)innocent blonde hotts is another. And by “another”, I mean “the sixty-ninth level of hell awaits those who would knowingly soil gnawable hotts with anything other than Koolaide, cocoa butter, and/or jizzum”.
Canceria is the douchiest of all these idiots, and he’s got two pretty nice lookin’ hotts with him. Canceria, although you have good abs, you have poor credit and no personality. You deserve a douchie.
Is it a rock? It’s a R(ock) Lobster!! He should be the subject of a Mellencamp song (“hold on to 38, as long as you can…”). A douche with a capital D.
gotta go with number 2! What a clown! I don’t care about performer leniency, total unadulterated douche!
Dr Redderick Lobster. He looks like he’s been dipped in transmission fluid.
While he may not be a total douche, the good doctor is too buffalo-wing-colored to escape mock. I hope he’s a dermatologist.
Orangeman of Canceria is the winner here.
Dr. Redderick Lobster
Doctor Redderick Lobster gets my vote because he has the best name.
Doc Lobster.
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I could see him being an orangery old man some day soon.
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Sorry.
Dr. Redderick Lobster
I’m going with the Orangeman, because he looks extremely full of himself and also sports toxic GSR. Doc Lobster certainly radiates orangeness, Mandarin has the hottest hotts by far and Dr. Orangelove looks a little too performative… I just find Orangeman to be the most offensive of the bracket.
Mandarin, because I’d break my soul into horcruxes for a shot at a three-way with those two blondes. Or even one at a time. Boiiiiiiiing.
Gotta go with Redderick Lobster. I didn’t think Bob Saget would ever make the site.
Mandarin Oragne. Dr. Redderick Lobster seems to be the popular choice, but I can’t vote for him because he isn’t a legitimate threat to the hotts. This would be like Nader winning the 2000 election in a landslide.
Mandarin Orange is the antithesis of Monet and Manet and Mozart and any other historical European who had a name beginning with M. Hideous, an anti-achievement for our culture.
i was THIS close to voting for the Mandarin Orange, but the Orangeman’s orange takes dedication. let any bodybuilder forum troll tell you. dedication is no laughing matter, man.
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and for dedication, the Orangeman of Canceria gets my projectile vomit.
Doc Lobster AKA Bob Saget’s older brother Morrie, never quite recovered from that flash fire he started while playing with his chemistry set in the basement .
Doc “Flaming Mo” Lobster FTW
They all disgust, but that really, really stupid tie takes Dr Orangelove over the top. Orangelove FML.
Mandarin. Why? He feels it necessary to to color his built in hue with what looks to be a paint sprayer with a partially clogged nozzle, thus rendering him blotchy mandarin douche. Mandarin can orange with the best of them, but can they orange with him?
Redderick Lobster is a dead ringer for Squidward from Spongebob. So even if he wasn’t the color of a lobster, the nautical theme would still fit.
Doc Lob FTW like a bad Spiderman character.
Doc Lobster indeed, and damn you all for putting the B-52s’ classic ditty in my snakey noggin. Doc’s douche on so many levels, I cannot even begin to look at shades of orange between the contestants. I know, that’s the category, “Orangest Orange”. I can’t be that scientific, nor that artistic, despite the fact that I stopped mixing oil paints right now to stop in here and do my ‘Baghunting duty. So, let’s review:
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Orange Douchebag. Plus Oldbag. Plus what seems to be a rare incidence of Hebrewbag. L’chaim!!!! Doc Lobster FTW, and let’s all get matching towels.
Dr. Orangelove, for he is truly a character only form a dystopian future should humanity continue to worship the douche.
Dr Redderick Lobster gets my vote. I dunno why, I’m just in a shellfish mood. Bring on the drawn butter, because he looks like he tanned in it.
They are all so farking weird as to challenge the colour spectrum of nature, but I go with Dr. Redderick Lobster for the full field fake orange effect (FFFOE).
I know there is a group, "Orangest Orange". I can not be that scientific, that is not artistic, but I stopped mixing oil paints hour stop here and do "Baghunting duty.
I go with Dr. Lobster, although I may have been partially hypnotized by his glowing bling.
The Doc’s shade is like a neon, school – bus orange…never seen the likes of it. He also might have mixed this concoction with weekends sailing around Jones Beach/Tobay with the rest of the Jewish Navy last summer. No sunscreen?
The contrast in skin tones with those two innocent hotties is too much to bear. Flava Flav type bling necklace is preposterous.
Gotta go with the Doctor here.
I have to go along with Troy Tempest on this one. WHAT A GREAT JOB Troy!!!! Mandarin for the win!!!!
We were at the beach
Everyone had matching towels
Somebody went under the dock
And there they saw a rock.
But it wasn’t a rock,
It was Doc Lobster!
DOC LOBSTA!!!
Thank you Troy Tempest, I was wondering if someone was going to do that. That is some scientific NEXT-LEVEL shit right there!
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Mandarin Orange FTW! His orange is orange and his hotts are HOTT!
Dr. Tropicana. Jesus he is orange!
Mandarin. What Douchelips said. But Cheeto-Man is still my all-timer in this category.
Dr. Redderick Lobster for his frugality about buying Vitamin D,
Dr. Lobster for the win Alex. Words cannot describe the foolishness. The train wreck of it all.
Orangeman of Canceria FTW