Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Stackhouse the Poet’s “If U Have A Oven UR Not That Bad Off””

No longer concerned with finding hot chicks of any kind, 2010 HCwDB of the Year winner, Stackhouse The Poet celebrated Thanksgiving last month in usual style. With poultry.

And by debuting his latest poem, “If U Have A Oven UR Not That Bad Off:”

——————
White trash fan appreciation day in Tallahassee, with special guest, the university of Florida. Win or lose, the pussy here is fine enough to taste, and the dudes here incorporate bench pressing as a weekly activity. I’ll be pissing processed urine on Yall from da box, Get Some

It was a long Tday of pharmacudical, & rec. drugs, I did 70 lbs of turkey, which also begs the question of exactly how can poor people not afford a turkey? if u have a oven, ur not that bad off, go suck cock 4 the 8$ that feeds 11 people.& speaking of poor, we got the FSU UF game 2morrow, so I guess all the white trash from GA, & N.E. FL, will be in town, begging for change, & yellin go Gaytors. Get Some
——————————

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# posted by douchebag1
Links n' stuff:
1:34 pm December, 22 DarkSock said...

“Gaytors”?
.
Well that explains the tight shiny pants and piling on top of one another in a writhing mass.
.
Get Some. Lemon Party.

1:39 pm December, 22 Wedgie said...

Is it my imaginayshun, or is his grammar getting worse?

1:39 pm December, 22 creature said...

that’s one ‘swole’ turkey

1:49 pm December, 22 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

Michelob Ultra– the choice of discerning turkey roasters.

1:49 pm December, 22 DarkSock said...

Dime pieces gotta eat too.
.
.
.
I’m not sure which is more unlikely; getting a blow job for $8, or feeding 11 people for $8….it costs more than $8 just to jack off a gardener’s dog.

1:50 pm December, 22 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

His football team goes by the moniker “Semen-holes.”

1:51 pm December, 22 DarkSock said...

If U Have A turkey beer coozie UR Not That Bad Off

1:51 pm December, 22 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

Ever notice how close “Florida State” is to “Florid Distaste?”

1:51 pm December, 22 DarkSock said...

If U Have A $40 drug store microwave UR Not That Bad Off

1:53 pm December, 22 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

Is this the “Hot Chickens with Douchebags” site?
.
.
.
(I know– it’s been done to death…)

1:55 pm December, 22 Hermit said...

With Stackhouse’s considerable skill in the preparation of poultry, future employment as an assistant manager at KFC is not out of the realm of possibility, but barring a career in fast food, we’re left to ponder what lies ahead for Stackhouse. Banging vag and crushing puss on the reg can only get him so far. As he approaches middle age, the public at large must ask itself; who is more at risk in Northern Florida, a fifteen-year-old who-bag or the errant chicken, duck or turkey?
.
Sadly, we’re left with the frightening prospect of a confused and aging Stackhouse, dressed only in cowboy boots and a chef’s apron, chasing terrified, underage jump-offs through the humid, darkened backstreets of Tallahassee, armed with a meat cleaver and a box of Stove Top Stuffing.

1:55 pm December, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

If you have 70 pounds of turkey, why do you fuck them with beer cans. And why post pictures of turkeys. This guy has issues that require ant-psycotics. Get some.. turkey.

1:55 pm December, 22 Wedgie said...

Sock:
Your gardener has been overcharging you.

1:59 pm December, 22 douchebag1 said...

I’m disappointed no one’s made a “Hot Chickens with Douchebags” joke yet.
.
- management

2:02 pm December, 22 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Thanksgiving ’09 saw Stackhouse trolling whobags at the local Buffalo Wildwings.
.
.
Yup. Hotwings with Douchebags.

2:03 pm December, 22 Wedgie said...

^See RRR @ 1:53. I assume you are blind drunk.

2:03 pm December, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Therefore,send not to know
for whom the bell
tolls it tolls for turkeys,

Stackhouse 2010

2:04 pm December, 22 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Thanksgiving ’08 saw Stackhouse holed up in his basement apartment with a drugged cowed with a plastic bag over her head and a 50 lb. turkey but alas, no stove, no microwave.
.
Yup. Hotplate with Douchebags.

2:04 pm December, 22 Wedgie said...

Cocckkblocckking Scrotato Head. That comment was for DB1.

2:07 pm December, 22 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Thanksgiving ’06 saw Stackhouse rummaging around the Fritos rack at his local Piggly Wiggly desparately searching for something to kill his hunger, something salty, something spicey. That’s when he saw the Anal Burnout Durritos.
.
Yup. Hotchips with Douechebags
.
(The boss being drunk and all I figure one more of these and some Mod is going to block me for the remainder of the holidays.)

2:08 pm December, 22 Hermit said...

I was once caught with a drugged cowed, and was investigated by the Dept of Agriculture.

2:13 pm December, 22 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

Nobody notices my posts– I’ll never make it into Hall of Mock unless I post a picture of my cute face and tits.
.
.
Actually, that would probably get me banned.

2:22 pm December, 22 soy bomb said...

if u have a plant trying to kill itself in ur kitchen, ur not that bad off

2:22 pm December, 22 Blinded by the Shite said...

Stackhouse’s top tip for an excellent Thanksgiving: remove the thermometer from your ass before sticking it in the turkey.

2:24 pm December, 22 Blinded by the Shite said...

If u and ur bird both drink lady drinks, ur not that bad off.

2:37 pm December, 22 Wedgie said...

^Wait, you can’t stick it in the turkey if you have a thermometer in your ass?

2:37 pm December, 22 Fatness said...

Jebus just threw up in his manger.

2:38 pm December, 22 Wedgie said...

How about if you stick it in the turkey and just put a thumb up ur ass? Or put your thumb in the turkey and finger your own ass?

2:38 pm December, 22 Vin Douchal said...

As the patriarch of a large extended family of cousins and in-laws we welcome them to our home every Thanksgiving and Christmas for a feast of my own making.
.
Never once have I let a filthy can touch the turkey .
.
However, if Stackie’s not using that cheesecake, I’d gladly take it before he uses it as a rest for his video game console.
.
Get Some , ya fucking douchers

2:42 pm December, 22 massengill said...

What is this, “Hot Chickens with Douchebags?”

2:48 pm December, 22 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

I knew it! Massengill is Motorcycle Parts!

2:51 pm December, 22 Collaz B. Popped said...

Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho – fuck it show ‘em.

While I go take a “processed urine” piss.

His grammar and etc. is so bad that I have to double check/spellcheck what he actually wrote before I comment on it.

Im saying to myself,,,”Did actually write processed urine..?”

2:51 pm December, 22 Wedgie said...

Ok, I just asked the authority on all things turkey, Mrs. Wedgie (who by the way spent some time in the exotic dancing business, just so you all don’t think I am just a heartless fuck).
Anyway, she says you are not allowed to fuck the turkey, sorry Jason.
However, she does fist-pump the shit out of it while putting the stuffing in. And I noticed that this past Thanksgiving, she was, for the first time ever, yelling at the turkey while stuffing it.
Yup, you guessed it: “Take that, Jason!”.
Why did I ever let her find out about this site?

2:57 pm December, 22 Condouchious said...

Stack just endorsed performing sexual favors as a means to make money to purchase poultry. My decision to vote for him has been validated.

3:06 pm December, 22 Vin Douchal said...

So,… is this the most fucking rain we’ve ever seen in SoCal? Fuck it, the DBags have won, I’m building an ark

3:18 pm December, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Andrea meet Stackhouse. He likes turkeys, who-bag jumpoffs, getting swole, and crushing pussies of girls who may not have a clue. Stackhouse meet Andrea. She is a turkey, who-bag jumpoff, likes swole, and geeting her pussy crushed. And she doesn’t have a clue.

3:19 pm December, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Vin

I already started building the Ark for baghunters.

3:25 pm December, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Wedgie

I talk dirty to my Thanksgiving turkey while I pound it with stuffing as well. Turns Mrs. Kroeger on. Or. Maybe the little minx pretends it turns her on so I keep cooking holiday dinners. As long as she keeps three holes open I guess I dont care. I loves me some turkey lovin.

3:36 pm December, 22 Wedgie said...

@Rev. Chad
Did you ever work at Chippendales?
@Vin
Mammoth got 15 feet since last Friday. We are supposed to be going up tomorrow and I don’t think we can make it.
Great. The best snow in 5 years, I have a place to stay and lift tickets waiting, and I can’t get up there.
Well, at least I an an oven.

3:37 pm December, 22 Wedgie said...

“have” an oven. My keyboard is malfunctioning because I am underwater.

3:56 pm December, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Wedgie
I did my share of exotic dancing in the late 80′s. Loved stirring the girls drinks with my cocck. But porn became easier to get and my 5 incher didn’t cut it any more. So I sold cars at night to pay for the rest of my M.A. (Econ). Stupid fuccking degree. But I loved me the strippers. Girl strippers that is. I tried to get back into stripping after I got a bit swole a few years back to get ready for my daughters’ coming teens. They told me the only job I could get was at Our Lady of Fatima home for convalescent nuns with alzheimers and glaucoma. Fucking saggy boobs and small cock.

4:14 pm December, 22 Nancy Dreuche said...

Blinded 2:24p FTW!

You think Stackhouse would mix it up a bit on Thanksgiving. He has like poultry everyday. Maybe he could just make a steak for T Day. You can beer up a steak right?

And thanks for making me feel better about my life Stackhouse since I do have a fully functioning oven. I have a similar saying though and it goes: If only Stackhouse would put his head in his oven we would be so much better off.

4:14 pm December, 22 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Stackhouse is wearing sunglasses in his FUCKING KITCHEN. Yup, I voted for the right douchebag.

4:46 pm December, 22 Deltus said...

What is this, Hot Chickens With Douchebags?
.
I wonder what Stacky’s thing with turkey is? Perhaps his mom killed his dad with a turkey, and he’s viewed it as the ultimate source of personal power ever since. Just spitballing here.

4:55 pm December, 22 Charles Ulysses Farley said...

Nice sleeveless camo shirt, Stacky. Hacksaw Jim Duggan wants to know when you’re gonna return that thing.
.
.
And can someone please explain the processed urine smack? I tried to figure it out but it just made my head hurt.

4:56 pm December, 22 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Deltus, a good theory. Would it kill the guy to cook up some shish kabobs every now and then though? I do always order the same type of sandwich when I go out to eat, if its a sandwich eatery. But you’ll never catch me eating a sandwich with a beer shoved up its ass. And that’s where me and Stackhouse differ. Well that and I like women. Not like, like but you know. I’m not a misogynist.

4:59 pm December, 22 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Charles, yeah, I want to know the difference between processed and unprocessed urine. Does Stackhouse have a filtration mechanism implanted in his shortstack? Who did he have to blow to raise the money for that? And how many times if the going rate is $8?

5:03 pm December, 22 Elanor said...

^That’s mAsogynist, get it right.
And a sandwich doesn’t even have an ass.
Sometimes, you disappoint me honey.

5:20 pm December, 22 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Elanor, pull up a chair and have a big old plate of Get Used to It. Other than that though, how are things?

5:24 pm December, 22 mr.reeve said...

Let me tell you all something, if you drink my little egg nog recipe you will all turn to “jelly”. Why you mad? Come on me bra!
Egg Nogg
Rum
Brandy
Cocoa
That stuff is 100% sugar and alcohol……oh yeah. Fark you Dackhose!

5:25 pm December, 22 Guid is Good said...

I am having some difficulties with the Stackhousian grammar. When he says “I did 70lbs of turkey” does that mean he bench pressed it or is it some form of un-natural act that is illegal in 45 States?

5:26 pm December, 22 Guid is Good said...

Oh yeah and GET SOME. Turkey that is.

5:26 pm December, 22 Wedgie said...

Reeve is wasted.
I am jealous.

5:28 pm December, 22 mr.reeve said...

Wedgie, not yet. I am on my way. The Holidays really bring out the drunk in me.

5:30 pm December, 22 Jurassic Douche said...

I just happened to see Stacky’s website, and he was all proud of being HCwDB of the year. I might add that he called himself “the Dick Slanger” in his little rant.

6:25 pm December, 22 Jacques Doucheteau said...

This just in!
.
Apparently, Stackhouse is the party responsible for putting the bomp in the bomp bup bup bup bomp.
.
I hope he washed up after putting the dang in the dang-a-lang-a-ling long. But we all know he didn’t, cuz that’s how dick slangers roll. This put their dip in any old dip da-dip da-dip, a la AIDS cream pie.
.
Get some.

6:25 pm December, 22 Crucial Head said...

Wow! A Hot Chickken with a Douchebag!
.
This shit just writes itself!

6:45 pm December, 22 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Yeah, “gaytors” is what the classy F$U fans call the mascot of the University of Florida. And by classy, I mean “poo”. Like Stackhouse.

6:46 pm December, 22 Anonymous said...

With my apologies to Cormac McCarthy and Blood Meridian:

They strode in westward from Buffalo Wildwings of Tallahassee, leading a whobag with no idea of what awaited her under the tangled branches and among the stale urine-scented litter of the Florida State University campus back field. Stackhouse walked with a measured step in the shimmering heat, 6’2″ of swellery and tanned skin. The sun glared with the red energy of the devil deprived of one of his own denizens. And still they walked, Stackhouse and Hurley and the whobag. Still they walked.

Stack.
What.
What you wanna give this whobag? Fistpump the shit out of ‘er or just a good ol’ fashioned HIV creampie?
How ’bout both.
You said it.
Get some.

The turkey dangled raw and gangrenous from Hurley’s fist. They had bagged it that morning, from a dime piece that wasn’t really that bad off, but was now missing several teeth.
A crow flew overhead and its shadow touched only the tips of Hurley’s frosted gelled hair that had flattened from the same heat that melted the mascara painted on the whobag into rivuelts unfathomable.

6:56 pm December, 22 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I’m not sure which is more unlikely; getting a blow job for $8
.
You might be surprised at the depths that street walkers in Tally will sink when they’re jonesing for a fix. As I recall, an unfortunate girl was busted for offering a hummer for a McDonalds happy meal. Now that was about 20 years but still…
.
Get some, Stackhose!

6:59 pm December, 22 Anonymous said...

To be continued…

7:01 pm December, 22 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Andrea meet Stackhouse.
.
OH.
DEER.
LORD.
.
I was about

7:01 pm December, 22 Fatness said...

I’ll bet Elanor can tell the difference between processed and unprocessed urine.

7:02 pm December, 22 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Andrea meet Stackhouse.
.
OH.
DEER.
LORD.
.
I was about to ask if this pairing would be bad mojo…but with luck, Andrea will bounce Stacky-poo’s ass off the ground like a quarter.

7:09 pm December, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Kids are asleep. Mrs. Kroeger was stuffed with 5″ of Chad bone and off to dreamland. I’m in about 8 beer and a quart of port and a few late bratwursts. So this was a happier day here and I bid you all good night and good cheer.

One thing before I pass out. Did anyone mention Hot Deep-Fried Chickens with Douchebags?

7:25 pm December, 22 Wolfram said...

That douche is in college ? He can’t spell FFS !

7:33 pm December, 22 Steve L. said...

so Stackhouse’s new hobby is fellating white trash for $8 a pop?
not bad Stackhouse, not bad.

7:37 pm December, 22 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

Buncha fuccen plagiarists…

8:27 pm December, 22 MoeDouche said...

Stackhouse, the gift that keeps on douching. What f*g lunatic. “GET SOME.”

8:31 pm December, 22 creature said...

Hot Chickens with Douchebags… get it?

8:34 pm December, 22 Fatness said...

Sharthouse’s new nickname: Doily Dan.

8:39 pm December, 22 Medusa Oblongata said...

Ok, let me see if I have this right. At Thanksgiving, I purchased a 21 pound turkey. Fresh, not frozen, so there was no ice in there. A 21 pound turkey is EXTREMELY HUGE and they have to pump them full of steroids and god knows what else to get them to be so big. The average turkey is more like 12-16 lbs. I have another turkey thawing in my fridge right now that I’ll be making Friday. And by making, I mean getting up on the counter with thigh-high patent leather boots and a mercury-centered strapon and fucking the shit out of that bird in front of my Grandmother. No, seriously, I digress.
.
So, let’s say Stacky got lucky and was able to find a 20-lb bird. For him to cook 70 lbs of turkey would require three and a half turkeys. That’s a long, long time to be cooking. Let’s also say that they were average turkeys, about 14 pounds. That would require 5 turkeys. 40 minutes a pound, so he was cooking for 46 and a half hours? I’m pretty bad with math, but have Dicy and Mr. White re-run those for me and see if I’m right. If that’s the case, Stack, you are a lean, mean cooking machine. I suspect you are just a stupid, asshole liar.
.
Now, let’s talk dollars and cents. This turkey I purchased for Christmas was on sale and ended up costing 68 cents a pound. So, let’s say Stacky also got a good deal like I did. Eight bucks for 70 pounds of turkey? Why, that’s 11 cents a pound! God damn, what kind of magical grocery stores do they have in Florida? I wanna go there!
.
Dear Stacky….you drink like a girl, you whine like a bitch and bitchy girls need to get slapped and sent to the kitchen. Oh, looks like you’re already there. Get on basting that turkey while I baste your asshole with this here mercury-centered strap on….

9:10 pm December, 22 massengill said...

@ Medusa
I like your angle: I think Stackhouse probably had multiple turkeys. He is probably some sort of Thanksgiving enthusiast, and makes the rounds to several different celebrations, where he cooks turkey for all. I think you’ve simply overlooked the reason Stackhouse can cook 70 lbs of turkey in a single day: he’s deep-frying it! It takes significantly less time than the traditional method. Sure, if you have a oven, ur not that bad off, but u’d be better off with a deep fryer.
.
I’ve gotta say, if my son came over for Thanksgiving wearing a sleeveless t-shirt, I’d be disappointed. If he was posing for pictures “like a bad-ass” with cans of Michelob Ultra, I’d drag him out back and shoot him. Hell, I’d shoot him just for drinking Mich Ultra, pictures or none. What a waste of perfectly good water…

9:30 pm December, 22 massengill said...

@ 3R

Really, you think I’m Motorcycle Parts? Wow. Just “wow.” I’m flattered, because whoever is him is brilliant, but, alas, I am not him. He must be some reg’s alter-ego, but I don’t have any alter-egos.
.
Sure, I’ve been Miss Anonymous once or twice before, but she’s like the town bicycle. I mean, who hasn’t?
.
Of course I suspect someone, but there is no reason to open that can of worms.

10:40 pm December, 22 Doucheterminatrix 2.0 said...

This link is why BeinLick talks about “doing” turkey as though it were a drug:
http://www.break.com/index/turkey_the_new_date_rape_drug.html

11:02 pm December, 22 Stephanie said...

Martha Stewart says Get Some.

11:12 pm December, 22 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

I once stuffed a Hot Chicken into a Douchebag.

11:15 pm December, 22 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Stackhouse has it all wrong. He’s thetriple-play chicken in the duck in the turkey TURDucken of Tallahassee.
GET SOME.

11:21 pm December, 22 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, with Stackhouse, he just won’t
go untill he GETS SOME.
So bring some out here.
We Wish You a Merry Christmas…
and a Happy New Year!

11:25 pm December, 22 Stephanie said...

If only…he had bent his head into the oven,we’d be all better off.

11:27 pm December, 22 Wheezer said...

Stacky’s trying to win HCwDBotY two straight years. WTF? He must be on some good pharmacudicals…..
.
Stacky, please GET SOME…..access to http://www.spellingcity.com!

3:41 am December, 23 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

AWESOME!!!

4:29 am December, 23 Motorcycle Parts said...

I do not know who is more likely to have a blow job for $ 8 or feeding 11 people for $ 8 … it costs more than $ 8 just taking the dog for a gardener ..

4:45 am December, 23 Collaz B. Popped said...

GET SOME,,,processed urine.

Stack, ur Medusas bitch.

6:43 am December, 23 massengill said...

Has anybody read the genius commentary on any of Stackhouse’s articles? This stuff is great:

http://jasonstackhouse.com/a-new-updated-version-of-me-and-my-cod-just-edited-in-some-game-play-so-you-could-see-what-i-am-working-with-when-im-not-blowing-backs-out-get-som/#comments

7:06 am December, 23 mr.reeve said...

I hear Stack’s turkeys are cream filled.
Deep Fried Cream Filled Tukey with Beastialitybag.

7:07 am December, 23 mr.reeve said...

Tukey? How about turkey. Heh?

8:39 am December, 23 Doucheterminatrix 2.0 said...

@massengill: Motorcycle Parts strikes again.

12:05 pm December, 23 Friedouche Nietszche said...

70 lbs of turkey? that po boy loves his poultry.

1:20 pm December, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Massengill 9:10
Ah, of course. I’ve never fried a turkey, myself. Mr. Oblongata talked me into buying one once. As it always went, he pushed, I resisted, he bullied, I sulked, he demanded, I got tired of hearing it and caved. He bought it (with my money, of course) and brought it home with no fucking oil. I sent him back and he returned with the oil, naturally I shit a brick over the cost and had a cow. He went out on the porch to get on frying the thing, and somehow tipped the whole contraption over, nearly starting a fire, burning his leg terribly and casing some major damage to the deck. He screamed, swore and kicked the thing so hard there was a huge dent in the side. Then he set it against the side of the house, where the coming winter totally destroyed it and by spring it was a rusted, rotted mess. The End!
.
To today: I prepare the turkey with Mr. B. watching in awe in the kitchen. My lithe little hands work in and out of the cavity, glistening with butter and the warm smell of sage. I massage the firm, full breast and slide my hands down its thighs, massaging the supple flesh. With my mercury centered strap-on I—oh, hell. Sorry, I digress.

5:45 pm December, 23 Italodouche said...

Slackhouse totally comped Richard Gere in Internal Affairs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FUqYYnXnkQ&feature=related

Meds are truly in order

8:03 pm December, 23 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

@Massengill 9:30:
No, I don’t really think you’re MP– I was just riding my facetious “Everyone is stealing my Hot Chickens joke” bike a little zealously.
.
Riding. Fucking Bikes.

8:14 pm December, 23 Nancy Dreuche said...

@RRR, do you think Stackhouse goes apeshit if he’s watching an old cartoon and its Foghorn Leghorn on a bicycle? Is he torn? I know Foghorn is a rooster but he’s in the poultry family.

10:09 pm December, 23 Douche Springsteen said...

“And by making, I mean getting up on the counter with thigh-high patent leather boots and a mercury-centered strapon and fucking the shit out of that bird in front of my Grandmother.”

Thanks, Medusa. I was getting ready for bed but now I have a boner.

6:07 am December, 24 Scrotelaw said...

2 turkeys with receding hairlines

9:19 am December, 24 Blinded by the Shite said...

What is this? Hot turkeys with douchebags?

3:46 pm December, 24 Wheezer said...

Hurley, the brown-nosed broheim
hangs with very douchey bros.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say he blows.

All of the whobag jumpoffs
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Hurley
nail any whobag dames.

Then one faggy Christmas Eve (<– foreshadowing)
Stackhouse came to say:
"Hurley with your nose so brown,
won't you on my dick go down?"

Then all the swole guys GOT SOME;
Hurley shouted out with glee:
"Now I'm a whobag jumpoff,
and I can cook some poultry!"

3:47 pm December, 24 Wheezer said...

^^”…..and I can also cook poultry!”*
.
Damn it.

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