Saturday, April 30, 2011

Comment of the Week: Dude McCrudeshoes’s Ode to Kelly


Continuing my new plan to highlight some of the genius in the comments threads, this week’s award comes from Wednesday’s Martin Expresses His Inner Child to Kelly thread, and goes to ‘bag hunter Dude McCrudeshoes:

—————
What went wrong, young Kelly? You were on the debate team, the pep squad, and your B average guaranteed you a shot at community college, though you knew tuition would be a stretch and you’d get no help from your unemployed deadbeat father.

So you took a night job, I’m guessing? The best paying night job in town, I’m guessing? And your dreams of healthcare management went whirling down the porcelain bowl just like the gallons of Coors Lite your patrons piss away every night. Spin on the pole, grind a little, tell ‘em how strong and handsome they look and how you need money for your mother’s heart surgery, lather, rinse, and repeat.

I’d tell you that I would take you away, and want nothing but to snuggle with you on the couch and watch late night vampire movies… but we both know that is a lie. You’d lie right back to me in the champagne room, and you’d tell me you are only doing this for one semester, and how you never thought you’d want to go home with a customer ‘cause you are not like that.

Then the bouncer would tell me I owe $250 for chatting with you all through “Pour Some Sugar on Me” and “Dream Weaver” while you sipped on a $25 soda disguised as a tropical drink. No, Kelly. I’m not falling for it.


——–

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars
Loading ... Loading ...
# posted by douchebag1
Links n' stuff:
1:01 pm April, 30 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

In case anyone was wondering the scouting report used by the Texans for the NFL draft, looks like it was http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com
.
Texans Add 2 DBs, QB on Third Day of Draft
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Published: April 30, 2011 at 3:45 PM ET

1:05 pm April, 30 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Dream Weaver got me into the doobs. The doobs got me into the girls. The girls got me into the dreams. The dreams made me start to weave. The weave turned me into Fantasia. Fantasia turned me into a dude loving girl. The dude loving girl got me into the trannies, The trannies led me to Mrs. Kroeger. Mrs. Kroeger led me to the suburbs, The suburbs led me to insanity. Insanity led me to drugs. Drugs led me to withdrawal. And that is how all this shit happened. Son.

1:15 pm April, 30 Geoffrey said...

according to manswers, reds are a lot more willing to seduce than blondes.

1:48 pm April, 30 Hong Kong Douchey said...

@MC 900: Don’t worry, the Kube will get them squared away with a proper haircut in no time. They can’t be any worse than the time I was in line at Double Dave’s behind the David Carr possee.

2:01 pm April, 30 Troy Tempest said...

I would take Kelly aside and tell her my name is Blank Frank and then I would address myself in the third person Blank Frank is the messenger of your doom and your destruction Yes, he is the one who will set you up as nothing and he is one who will look at you sideways, and his particular skill is leaving bombs in people’s driveways. Blank Frank has a memory that’s as cold as an iceberg. The only time he speaks is in incomprehensible proverbs. Blank Frank is the siren, he’s the air-raid, he’s the crater He’s on the menu, on the table, he’s the knife and he’s the waiter…
.
and then I’d pee myself and dance in the puddle singing Kumbaya My Lord.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juAmEb_r1NA

2:26 pm April, 30 Hermit said...

Nice work Dude.
I still get a boner when I hear “Dream Weaver,” “Pour Some Sugar on Me,” and the theme song from “Teletubbies”.
Tinkie Winkie seems to be void of all sexual organs but still somehow manages to be gay.
If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea, does the other one enjoy it?
I’m compiling Reverend Chad’s posts to write an unauthorized biography sometime when I’m not drunk.

I also had a similar problem with a shepherd mix I have. Five years old and never left the county. She was birthed vaginally, head down in a large pool of jello using the Bradley method by a Bulgarian flame swallower who was traveling through the county with a band of Gypsies.
She has a limited vocabulary, and a poor grasp of phonetic concept.
She’ll lick peanut butter off your cock, but of course I’d never let her. I just wash it off with paper towels and Armor All. ®

2:27 pm April, 30 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I think the douche has rabies. So he needs to be put down. They shot rabid douches, don’t they? and Kelly…oh vision of ginger perfection. You need rabies shots.
.
And penicilin for the other things you’ve picked up along the way.

2:31 pm April, 30 Steve L. said...

health care management? ugh.

2:38 pm April, 30 Steve L. said...

health care management is almost as bad as debate team.

3:09 pm April, 30 Nancy Dreuche said...

Nice backstory McCrudeshoes. I came away from reading that with glitter all over my clothes.
.
@Geoffrey, what does manswers say about brunettes?
.
@Hermit, is it cool then if I compile your posts to form an unauthorized biography. Oh yeah I meant to ask you awhile back in regards to The Machine, If noone operates it and we’re all in it, who was the man behind the curtain you talked about. Get back to me when you’re done writing “Beer and Bonging in Canada: My Other Car is a Seadoo”.

3:13 pm April, 30 Stephanie said...

Gary Wright’s “Dream Weaver”especially that really spacey part,man…,Foghat’s “Slow Ride”,and Terry Jack’s “Season In The Sun” all make me wet my panties. And as I recall,the bags of pot were never weighed, it had heavy clumps of gold that someone used a daisy seal a meal to close up the bag….those were the days. No sticks and stones…

3:37 pm April, 30 Hermit said...

Stephanie,
I’m not completely sure what you’re talking about, but I’m now having a difficult time standing up and my vision is blurring.
I’m either really turned on, or having another stroke.

4:01 pm April, 30 Mr. Biggs said...

Sigh … another erotic act reduced to hollow spectacle. Dude doesn’t even know how to bite an ass.

4:15 pm April, 30 soy bomb said...

Dude crushes one out of the park. I’m currently crushing Glenfiddich 12 yr to celebrate teh Bruins crushing of the Philly Cheesesteaks. Next, c*ck willing, I’m going to catch a beat to Emarilda Likmeta’s cover version of the Jennifer Paige song “Crush.” Because apparently I’m in love with that word.

5:06 pm April, 30 DarkSock said...

Re: The Photo above:
.
Panties McThongFlossa is about to get a King Korn Chocolate Ginger-Loaf lodged in his esophagus.

5:08 pm April, 30 ffindertweet said...

Happy birthday!!

6:20 pm April, 30 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@All
.
Wow! That is some particularly funny stuff when you spent the last four hours smoking a cancer patients government weed. Isa gonna listen to dreamweaver and take some elicit cancer patients benzos.

6:35 pm April, 30 Mr. White said...

Re: The photo above:
.
This is exactly what Christina Hendricks would look like….if she were a talentless whore.
.
FACT!

8:40 pm April, 30 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Yeah, she’s acceptably attractive. I’d totally rape her.
.
Not in a bad way, but as an homage to how cute she is. I’d totally drug her, load her up in my pickup, drag her out to a quiet spot in the country, and forcefully savage her sexual organs.
.
For like, days on end. No food, no water, just rape. I’d rape her body repeatedly, and her sobbing cries for mercy would simply excite me further, leading to more demoralizing dominance of her naked being.
.
Now before anyone passes judgment on me, I speak of raping her purely in the hypothetical, and using the concept of “rape” in only the most loving and intimate of contexts. I would never actually rape, or even threaten to rape, someone under any circumstances, much less in a hateful manner. That’s just not who I am. Rape is morally aberrant, and I am diametrically opposed to rape in any form.
.
That being said, I would still totally rape the shit out her. She’s just that hot.

10:52 pm April, 30 DarkSock said...

Jacques, I’m appalled. Because I would eat an alpha gorilla’s shit through a screen door just for the privilege of drinking sour milk through the urethra of her OB/GYN’s severed penis, because that fucker had NO RIGHT to touch my queen. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Home Depot to buy some heavy tarp, a shovel, and 15 pounds of lye..*urppp!

10:52 pm April, 30 DarkSock said...

I’d steal Vicodin out of her butt-hole.

10:54 pm April, 30 DarkSock said...

Christina Hendricks pees half and half with organic honey, and it’s a perfect 42 degrees, both in temperature and angle.
.
.
.
.
Yeah I stole one of Mrs. Sock’s Ambien®.

4:29 am May, 1 Hermit said...

@ Nancy,
I’m giving you full permission to write my biography, (I’ll send pictures and transcripts sometime when I’m not drunk) therefore no, you cannot write my unauthorized biography.
The entire workings of the Machine, it’s capabilities and inherent flaws is a complicated subject, I’ll have to explain it to you sometime when I’m not drunk.
BTW this site is back to delaying some posts with no avatars for several minutes or several hours. I don’t understand it, someone will have to explain it to me, sometime when I’m not drunk.

8:45 am May, 1 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Hermit 4:29a, I hope all pics are from the waist down. And drunk so early in the a.m.? Party. And I’m serious about this machine business. The more I know how it works the better I can manipulate it to my advantage. So yeah, when you’re not drunk tell me more.

10:50 am May, 1 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Jaques–It’s totally not rape if you tell her you love her. FACT. Anyway, I also would bite the buttocks of our redheaded muse here. I would bite them hard, I would nibble them lovingly, then I would sit her on my lap and we would watch Inception. ‘Cause that’s the Netflix movie on my kitchen table that went unwatched on account of house painting.

11:04 am May, 1 Mr. White said...

@medusa
Eh, let it sit. There’s not enough drywall in the world to close up the plot holes in that flick. I’m a sci-fi fan, no doubt, so it says a lot that I’ll happily watch movies that rape the laws of physics, but most of the time during “Inception,” I kept thinking, “That’s stupid” and “Why won’t this dumb dead imaginary wife leave us alone? I’m sick of her.” And of course, “Why won’t Ellen Page take her top off?”
.
Double FAIL!

12:07 pm May, 1 DarkSock said...

Mr. White, you may THINK you were dissappointed with “Inception”, but not as disappointed as I was when I saw with great delight and relish a link in my Gmail’s ad columns touting “KY Bourbon Trail – Explore the spirited KY tradition”, then clicked it. It was just some bullshit about hiking through woods to look at distilleries. For a moment there I thought someone had combined my two great loves: Bourbon whiskey and well-lubricated penetration.

1:17 pm May, 1 DarkSock said...

I’d Mary Ann that Ginger.

1:26 pm May, 1 DarkSock said...

Lance Parker: Human Bidet

1:28 pm May, 1 DarkSock said...

…and now….pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon… Manny Mota… Mota… Mota…

3:48 pm May, 1 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Dude McCudeshoes,
.
You are master with the pen. And by pen I mean the sword.
.
And yes, sword is a metaphor for penis. But I don’t know how good you are with yours. Or whether you’ve got like a short sword, or like a curved Japanese Katana, or one of those two-handed Scottish things that Mel Gibson used when he shouted something like “They may take away our hair gel, but they’ll never take our mulletts!” But anyways, just keep your and on your sword. Or you pen. Or your penis. Whatever gives you inspiration.

4:43 pm May, 1 Jacques Doucheteau said...

“Your pen, is our business” for but one comma.

2:37 am May, 2 Collaz B. Popped said...

Why does she remind me of Kathy Griffin?

Im not fallin for it either Dude MC Scrode. Nicely done.

Im going to youtube Dreamweaver, Seasons in the Sun and Afternoon Delight now…..

3:49 am May, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

My sword is 4 feet long and shoots jelly beans. Medical fact. So keep that in mind as you scarf down the last of that Easter candy.

I totally forget to include glitter in my story. And how you can find it on your car seat days later as you drive your boss to lunch. Or so I hear

6:52 am May, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

BTW, apologies for being too drunk / hungover to enjoy this over the weekend, DB1 and fellow mockers. I’m still a bit off, but that could just be my new default state.

7:14 am May, 2 Collaz B. Popped said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPWNsGFXCZk&feature=related

Dreamweaver.

8:43 am May, 2 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

This picture doesn’t have nearly enough spanking going on. Like the spanking his head needs with a pitchfork. Like the gently spankings her delicious bottoms needs with my bare hands. While she’s touching her toes. *THUNK* Ow. Godammnit! Stoopid keyboard try is too low for this fuccen desk. Now I’m in pain and starting to get r0sessd eyed. Shit!

1:57 pm May, 2 jonn2 said...

comment5, 2, ogi, 3, 6702, 2, %]]], 2, =O, 1, =-D, 2, guskh, 3, %[, 1, 299725, 1, 8OO, 1, :-], 3, %-DD, 2, vgavza, 3, =-PP, 3, 4328, 2, fgzdd, 2, 929, 3, boo, 2, 8[, 1, =O, 2, %-O, 3, zrtzwd, 2, :PP, 2, 3711, 3, 8DDD, 3, 3493, 3, :-]], 2, 515, 2, 8361, 1, :-), 3, %PP, 2, wffdp, 2, qdjeln, 3, 615, 3, >:[[[, 2, hfow, 3, lrtxmn, 2, oeazq, 3, 088158, 1, >:-(((, 1, 418670, 2, =-DDD, 3, sxq, 3, kom, 2, njwbb, 3, 25051, 1, %[[, 2, vrki, 1, sdoqs, 3, 60555, 2, :OO,

9:56 am May, 9 pepsi cola said...

In the past few years Pepsi has been known for manufacturing and distributing strangely flavored versions of their renown Pepsi soda. They’ve gone clear, white, clear, red, and now they’re going blue with Pepsi blue.

10:18 am May, 9 pepsi cola said...

Over the years Pepsi has been known for making and selling strangely flavored versions of their renown Pepsi soda. They’ve gone clear, white, clear, red, and now they’re going blue with Pepsi blue.

10:32 am May, 9 pepsi said...

In the past few years Pepsi has been known for producing and distributing strangely flavored versions of their renown Pepsi soda. They’ve experimented with clear, white, clear, red, and now they’re going blue with Pepsi blue.

2:42 pm May, 9 pepsi cola said...

In the past Pepsi has been known for composing and selling strangely flavored versions of their well-known Pepsi soda. They’ve experimented with clear, white, clear, red, and now they’re going blue with Pepsi blue.

3:02 pm May, 9 pepsi said...

In the past Pepsi has been known for creating and selling oddly flavored versions of their renown Pepsi soda. They’ve made their soda clear, white, clear, red, and now they’re going blue with Pepsi blue.

9:44 am May, 10 pepsi blue said...

thus far Pepsi has been known for manufacturing and selling strangely flavored versions of their well-known Pepsi soda. They’ve made their soda clear, white, clear, red, and now they’re going blue with Pepsi blue.

10:07 am May, 10 pepsi blue said...

Through the years Pepsi has been known for developing and distributing strangely flavored versions of their famous Pepsi soda. They’ve experimented with clear, white, clear, red, and now they’re going blue with Pepsi blue.

10:24 am May, 10 pepsi blue said...

In the past few years Pepsi has been known for making and selling strangely flavored versions of their well-known Pepsi soda. They’ve experimented with clear, white, clear, red, and now they’re going blue with Pepsi blue.

10:27 am May, 10 pepsi cola said...

For a while now Pepsi has been known for manufacturing and distributing strangely flavored versions of their well-known Pepsi soda. They’ve experimented with clear, white, clear, red, and now they’re going blue with Pepsi blue.

10:30 am May, 10 pepsi said...

For a while now Pepsi has been known for producing and selling oddly flavored versions of their well-known Pepsi soda. They’ve gone clear, white, clear, red, and now they’re going blue with Pepsi blue.

10:30 am May, 10 pepsi cola said...

In the past Pepsi has been known for producing and distributing oddly flavored versions of their well-known Pepsi soda. They’ve experimented with clear, white, clear, red, and now they’re going blue with Pepsi blue.

10:35 am May, 10 pepsi cola said...

In the past few years Pepsi has been known for composing and selling oddly flavored versions of their famous Pepsi soda. They’ve experimented with clear, white, clear, red, and now they’re going blue with Pepsi blue.

10:55 am May, 10 pepsi blue said...

Through the years Pepsi has been known for producing and distributing strangely flavored versions of their well-known Pepsi soda. They’ve made their soda clear, white, clear, red, and now they’re going blue with Pepsi blue.

11:06 am May, 10 pepsi said...

During the previous several years Pepsi has been known for inventing and distributing strangely flavored versions of their well-known Pepsi soda. They’ve gone clear, white, clear, red, and now they’re going blue with Pepsi blue.

Leave a Reply