Thursday, June 30, 2011

    Jean Jacket Pukoffsky

    Jean Jacket Pukoffsky used to run with a motor cycle gang out of Baton Rouge.

    You know the type. Liked to drink Schlitz by the caseload. Then smell each others underwears like truffle-searching French piglets hopped up on No-Doze.

    Jean Jacket Pukoffksy. Could smell the cough syrup melting on the dashboard of his Hyundai at 2am in the parking lot of a Jack-in-the-Box.

    Used to run with a girl named Daisy. Whose lips were the color of melted Grape-Ape koolaid spilled out the back of a police cruiser.

    Daisy.

    Her legs were long like, thickets of brambleberry hot dogs back to back off a links truck.

    That all ended when an old southern Colonel named Tom McGee got so loaded one Arbor Day that he attempted to milk the Mayor’s chickens, causing the whole town to get quarantined by the C.D.C. over an Asian swine lupus outbreak.

    I never did find that packet of Marlboros again. But I sure did try. I sure did try.

    This post brought to you by “Random Tom Waits Song Lyric Generator.”

    New! From Mattel.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, June 30, 2011

    The Nipple That Ruined All of Human Achievement and the Mocked All Accomplishments of the Species

    And there it is.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, June 30, 2011

    Tube Sock Frolic

    As we gear up for the July 4th weekend, here’s a nostalgic clip from way back in 2006. When HCwDB was first beginning, and the Douche Frolic was still in a state of pure Brawndo drinking idiocracy.

    Like Flaherty’s Nanook of the North or Grierson’s portrayals of working class British families, we find documentary artifact as preservation of the authentic even as the historical moment passes.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, June 30, 2011

    Between a Pear and a Pear Place

    Greasy Tony knows only two things for certain in life.

    1. Tony loves the succulent and firm chompy chomp Ass Pear

    2. Tony enjoys getting douchey flaming tatts placed around his bellybutton

    #1 makes him a relatable and sympathetic protagonist.

    #2 makes him a douche.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, June 29, 2011

    Todd the Ferret

    So named because a ferret once threw up on Todd’s shoulder.

    To commemorate the incident, Todd had the partially digested bits of plant, garbage scrapings and small woodland fauna guts memorialized on his body in the form of a tattoo.

    Perky Paulina has the taut, well toned, and surgically enhanced drinkable body that exists nowhere in nature, but everywhere in the mind of a thirteen year old boy who doesn’t want to study for his chemistry exam.

    Looking at you, Michael Rosenbaum of 15253 Evergreen St., White Plains, New York. Get back to studying.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, June 29, 2011

    Pop Quiz: The Nerd/Douche Dichotomy

    Pop Quiz:

    Judging on the evidence of Rusty and Nicole here, is there such thing as a nerd and a douche in the same conscriptive act of hitting on a girl by the pool, even as they feature a tattoo of silent film star Anna May Wong starring in “Picadilly?

    A. Yes

    B. No

    C. A number of comments in the comment thread ignoring the Pop Quiz entirely and instead asking “where’s the hot chick?”

    I think I know how this one’s gonna turn out.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, June 29, 2011

    Gabanna Boy Finds Boobs

    Sort of like when 17th Century migrant farmers discovered aquaduct technology.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, June 29, 2011

    Phlippy Does the “White Man’s Overbite”

    But if you ever want to impale a sparrow, mid flight, just toss Phlippy in a field and have him nod.

    Carly may not be A List stomach pooch hottness, but any girl willing to wear frilly stuff at the pool gets points via the beer goggle method.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, June 28, 2011

    Ask DB1: “The San Diego Millionaire” — Bag / Nottabag?


    ———-
    DB1 Have a douche-adox.

    The “Pacific Beach Millionaire” – AKA Jim Lawlor – is a perplexing fellow.

    On one hand a giant douche attracting and exploiting the local PB hott. (if you actually live here that be a oxymoron) On the other hand as Jim Lawlor he does lots of worthy charity work.

    As a LA denzien I imagine you have been to SD and PB. You will need to google and facebook him to get the picture. What would the ruling be on him?

    -B Ingraham
    ——-

    Douche. Douche. 100 Times a Douche.

    Not even a debate.

    I thematically flush his essence without looking in the bowl.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, June 28, 2011

    “Crazy Eyes Killa” (real name is Jared)

    Svetlana has learned many things on her journeys in America.

    Things like how to turn on a red light.

    How to grill a hamburger.

    Even how to say “thank you very much!” in English so good, the Mexicans at the car wash don’t know she’s Russian.

    But what Svetlana hasn’t learned? That shirtless, orange, groin shave revealing club douches who call themselves “Crazy Eyes Killa” aren’t crazy. Nor killas.

    Their name is Jared. And they watch too much HBO.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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