Sunday, July 31, 2011

    B4-4′s “Go Go” and the Origins of Douchebaggery

    You remember B4-4 (try as you might to forget). Our 2008 winner for Douchiest Video of the Year and Canada’s contribution to global scrotebaggery, B4-4 was a “Boy Band” during the dark days of the N Sync / Backstreet Boys toxic plague of the early 00s.

    Well this video just might be worse. A heaping, steaming load of crypto-gay dance moves, stupid hair spike and sheeny shaved chestery mixed with hott paid-to-pose model suckle thighs.

    Never forget the origins of the plague.

    For their scrotal legacy of narcissistic preen and culture suck haunts us still.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, July 30, 2011

    Comment of the Week: Mr. Scrotato Head

    In one short comment from Thursday’s “Lifehouse” Thread, Mr. Scrotato Head tells the tale of the tragic Hottest Highschool Girl and wins the coveted Comment of the Week:

    ———-
    The cutest girl in my high school was amazingly tight and curvy back in the day. Beautiful tanned skin, long dark hair, and piercing brown eyes that told every guy in every grade that he didn’t have a f*cking chance with her but hey, at least she looked at you.

    She now has a mustache Tom Selleck would envy. Oh how the hotties do fall.
    ———-

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, July 29, 2011

    Friday Thoughts and Links

    Lookout, fellow ‘bag hunters!!

    Douchetatts are now mutating and creating hybrid strains of ‘bag signifiers, demonstrated here by Antonio’s strange Unearned Dog Tags Tatt.

    Masquerading under the tropes of military masculinity, the faux warrior with the chin pubes disgraces us all.

    The ladies aren’t A-List, but what the hell, it’s Friday.

    Here’s your links:

    Your HCwDB CD of the Week: “Well, I went home with the waitress, The way I always do. How was I to know? She was with the Russians, too.”

    Think Unearned Dogtags Tatt is Douchey? How about the Douchiest Tatt in All of Creation.

    Speaking of douchey tatts, the actual Ed Hardy is writing a memoir. No word on if large pictures of tigers and thorny roses will be used to signify the angst of Mr. Hardy’s childhood.

    And speaking of Hardy, reader Chris sends in this ‘tag of a disturbing discovery in a suburban mall parking lot.

    The latest in one-joke blogs: Animals Being Dicks. One joke blogs are so lam… oh wait.

    Pop Pear Quiz: There is a dog driving that car.

    Here’s a cartoon that depicts the long period of ostracization that Ubiquitous Red Cup has faced from the rest of the chalice class.

    Hot Llamas with Michelle Bachmann.

    But you are not here for annoying politicians with oh so sexy llamas. You are here for beautifully concentric circle Pear. Enjoy:

    Shallow Lake Pear.

    Like two large orange slices being dropped into a bathtub.

    Crack open a bottle of the Mad Dog. For the Weekend is ‘ere.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, July 29, 2011

    Dried Alpaca Fecal Matter

    That reminds me.

    Did I remember to hose out the dried fecal matter from the alpaca pen last night?

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, July 29, 2011

    Friday Haiku

    Spikey Greaser smirks,
    Carmen Miranda fish lips,
    Logan Doesn’t Run.

    beady-eyed ballbag,
    sucks scary spice to sternum,
    wears casual slacks.

    – Colossus of Choads

    Mommy, where does Poo
    Come from? You came from my box
    You silver haired freak.

    – The Reverend Chad Kroeger

    Cirque Du Soleil said
    “He’s too douchy, even for us”
    Grabs Bleeth for comfort

    – The Fourth Horseman of the Douchepocalypse

    Comic-Con reject.
    Captain Dingle-Berry fly
    Back to Ur-Anus.

    – Ol’ Dirty Douche

    Five Ten with the spikes
    Four Ten on a rainy day
    Sly Stallone Short-Bag

    – Douche Wayne

    Eraserhead gropes
    Asian hott knows: Big trouble
    in little China

    – Medusa Oblongata

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 28, 2011

    Where Llamas Go to Die

    I remember it well.

    I was gun running with a band of militants in Bolivia doing covert ops for the Friends of Zapata. Brothers too hirsute to even bother scratching.

    Men who could quote Trotsky in Gaelic, and spit lemongrass at a nearby sloth with the accuracy of an indigenous harpooneer.

    We made the trade by the abandoned French colonist plantation where Old Petey LeTourre still lived and knitted mittens.

    Lots of scotch passed through those lips to wash the tears and ravages of Sister Maggie’s betrayal.

    Old Mother Hubbard never told no tales like this one, I tell you.

    Ancient cars rumbled on the dirt roads like dusty coughs from the belly of an architect.

    But I closed my eyes. The echo of her screams like dying quails in the sunset lake hunts of her youth.

    And stupid hair on a douchebag in a club, with so much hipster irony I could take a musket and sell it for coin just to hop that bus back to Albuquerque.

    Back to Albuquerque. Where Sons of the Revolution sputter like impotent field mice in the hazy woodlands of her mind.

    —–

    This post brought to you by “Random Tom Waits Lyric Generator.”

    Random Tom Waits Lyric Generator — New, from Mattel!!

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 28, 2011

    Sergeant Pooper’s Douchey Hearts Club Land

    The United Nations of Stupid Hand Gestures approves this message.

    Carrie’s body may say yes, but her eyes say deep disappointment from her parents over her failed orthodontist assistant career.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 28, 2011

    Reader Mail: The Hottest Chick From Highschool Now Dates The Guys in “Lifehouse”

    Blair writes in with a depressing life update on the hottest girl from high school we all remember thinking “I wonder what became of her.” Now we know:

    ————
    Subject: Radio Buttrock douchewads

    I went to high school with this girl, she went to nursing school and just moved to LA to be with THE DUDE IN F@#KING LIFEHOUSE (who’s late 30s, and she’s 21).

    I mean, good for her, she drives a Porsche now and has a tiny pursedog, but is it really at the expense of having to see photos of yourself with turds like this in 5 years? I mean shit, more like 2 years.
    ————

    I don’t know what “Lifehouse” is, but no Rockstar Leniency Rule for these atrocious bar flushes. They pee on the very concept of music with their douchestrocities.

    Sometimes I’d rather not know what happened to the hot girl from high school. I can pretend she became that nurse. And fantasize about catheter tubes.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 28, 2011

    The Portrait of Dorian’s Abs

    Ab reveals in bathroom self portraits.

    Still out there.

    Still puking blue on Picassos.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, July 27, 2011

    Petey Mocks the Pear

    “And lo, for he that mocketh the Holy Pear of Antioch with Spiketh of Hair shall know the wrath of the lord your G-d, and vengance shall stricketh down uponst him in the form of crotch itch and bad credit ratingth. For he smellseth like Bodyspray and is a douchebageth.”

    – The Book of Doucheteronomy, 11:38

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    # posted by douchebag1
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