Friday, September 30, 2011

    Friday Thoughts and Links

    Sometimes ‘bag hunters will stop me in the street and ask me, “DB1, why you smell like prunes?”

    After I explain the intricacies of the digestive tract deprived of fruits and vegetables outside of a Hostess Pie, they then ask me something else.

    “DB1, if you grant a performative leniency rule for scrotes whose job it is to perform scrotily, why doesn’t it apply to D.J.s?”

    And I answer softly. Because D.J.s are camel poo. And Linda needs a sammich.

    Here’s your links:

    Your HCwDB DVD Indie Doc of the Week: “Kill Your Idols!”

    The winner for douchiest energy drink of 2011? Blue Storm. Bringing douchey American culture to Afghanistan since 2002.

    Speaking of the military, eagle-eyed reader justadouchalo catches Closet of Poo legend, Poo, being called out for pretending to have been a military P.O.W. Irony alert: When his ‘real’ name is “Winslow Jefferson Ballsworth” it may not be a real profile. Just a consideration.

    Ever wonder what happens when a nerdy math geek meets a douchey hairstyle? Of course you have.

    Jon Stewart takes on The Nanny. Back in 1997.

    The greatest punk band of them all: The Buzzcocks. 1978.

    Speaking of old music, there is only one B.O.C.

    Or if you’re looking for current stuff, lately I’ve been digging on Cut Copy. Even if the video is hipster stupid, that track both evokes, and subverts, New Wave tropes.

    More Cut Copy here. Walking the fine line of techno douchey, but I’d argue they transcend.

    Some days I like to sit by a fire, enjoy a tasty chocodile and milk, and read some Vonnegut or Melville. Some days I like to gnaw on this.

    But you are not here for Gummi gnaw. You are here for Pear:

    Real World Russian Pool Pear.

    Where droplets and Green Cards collide.

    Enjoy. For the Weekend is upon.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, September 30, 2011

    Costa Wins at the Game of Life

    Good on you, Costa.

    Your style may be eccentric, a variant on “Castaway Tom Hanks” and mid-career Cheech, but your joy at briefly fondling the Holy Hott Chomp Suckle seen in Hot Mom Sarina earns you a nottadouche and a goinpeace.

    Fare thee well, hirsute stranger.

    Fare thee well.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, September 30, 2011

    Friday Haiku

    Those of you aroused
    Will be crushed to realize
    This is my peen’s tip…

    It is rare indeed
    When meat curtains meet curtains
    Smiles all around

    – saulgoode42



    Shrink wrapped ground ass chuck
    Begs “Poke a hole with your thumb”
    Like child at market.

    – johnny applesack

    gentle smiling butt
    supple under smiling sheets
    waiting for my peen.

    – Troy Tempest

    Fenny’s butt-cover
    Does not fool a connoisseur
    One-of-a-kind ass

    – Wedgie

    Hidden behind sheet
    Round supple buttocks fart
    In timid repose.

    – The Reverend Chad Kroeger

    Smiley faces; you’d smile too
    If you were there
    Up against that Pear

    – Chris in ‘Baghdad

    a hint of ass pear
    wizard behind the curtain
    enough here to fap?

    – Douche Springsteen

    You may be turned on
    But will become nauseous;
    This is a front view

    – DoucheyWallnuts

    R.E.M. gave us
    “happy, shiney people”. She
    gives I.O.B. cramp.

    – Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

    Smiley faced curtain
    my cock would tear right through you
    into glorious pear

    – Mandouchian Candidate

    During the drug raid,
    The D.E.A agent asks,
    “Where’d you hide the crack?”

    – hermit

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    # posted by DarkSock
    Thursday, September 29, 2011

    Reader Mail: The Recession and ‘Baggery

    —–
    Boss -

    longtime reader and huge fan. Thought of you this wknd whilst reading the good (and all kidding aside, sad actually) 3 part series in the LAT about victims of the great recession.

    One of the three was a heavily tatted out former owner of a recording studio who is now unemployed and acknowledged to the author of the series that perhaps the ink all over his arms might be hurting his job search…

    Nothing funny about it given the 4 kids but did contain an instructive anecdote about some bagling admiring his tatts and the guy snapping at him that he regrets every single one. Or something to that effect.

    Please let me know when you call the bottom, for it is then that I will invest my life savings in tattoo removal technology and service providers. Like all bubbles, this will burst.

    Meantime keep up the great work.

    Bilbodouchebaggins
    ——

    I’m one of those who sees the great recession as somewhat of a good, or maybe just a necessary thing.

    Our entire social fabric of the mid 2000s was corroded by a cesspool of preening narcissism, self indulgence, ego, greed, and vacuous navel gazing. It was a dark time.

    Our nation spent those pre-crash years in a state of utter denial. Fetishizing the richest and assholiest among us for living a life of unfettered greed. The Douchebag, as an icon, began as a denial of community, responsibility, logic and education. A Cult of the Know-Nothing Self. Preening ego self-worship as virtue, rather than vice. We still see these impulses today, although they’ve given way to more violent forms of rhetoric like racism and xenophobia.

    Back then it was credit card consumption as replacement for the boring realities of actual life. Bigger and bigger SUVs and Hummers, with shittier and shittier mileage, just to prove what badasses we were.

    A giant f-you to everyone but ourselves and our own desires to gratify whatever urges we had. Thus, douchebag culture.

    Then the bill came.

    For all the Grey Goose and Red Bull shooters we ordered without checking the price first.

    Finally paying the real-world cost for action we took that we couldn’t pay for is, in the end, a good thing. So long as we learn the harsh lessons about the corrupt douche culture we indulged in for far too long.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, September 29, 2011

    Three Fake Boobs

    “Oh, how are we going to stop this fiendish tit?”

    EDIT: Laurie’s Cantaloupes make national news.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, September 29, 2011

    Asswipius The III Says “Challoooo laddiez…”

    And The Giggle Ladies With Daddy Issues swarm.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, September 29, 2011

    A Roadie Named Bart Gets Lucky


    Lotta complaints in the threads about some of the skeezier pics over the past few days. Alls I gotta say is the douche extremes help to define the margins of alterity. And if you think any those ladies are trannies, you haven’t met a tranny.

    Anyways, lets tone it back with some classic HCwDB.

    Bart drops his years carrying amps for Maroon 5 to Kelly and Angela.

    Kelly and Angela are supple taught pokey bounce.

    They may not be classic beauties, and are trashy Bleethy with the makeup. But Kelly and Angela’s firm hindquarters sing metaharmonic odes to fractal patterns, the Universal Om, and rem-speed hallucinogenic humpty hump.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, September 28, 2011

    Happy 5772!!

    Happy New Year to all Hebraic readers of the Talmudic persuasion. 5,772 years ago, the culture that bought us this and this, and, oh yeah, your humble narrator, began its calendar.

    That video needs more Semitic Hottness, and less Orthobags.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, September 28, 2011

    Something Went Wrong on the Path to Enlightenment

    When the righteous wish to settle in tranquility, G-d says: “Is it not enough for the righteous what is prepared for them in the World to Come, that they also ask for a tranquil life in this world?”

    – Rashi’s commentary on Genesis 37:1

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, September 28, 2011

    Brothabag Jesus Is Not in the Military

    Brothabag Jesus’s facial pubes do, however, have a tendency to emit dishonorable discharges.

    Tall Jenny likes long walks on the beach, candle lit dinners, and mild forms of leather-based masochism.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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