Monday, October 31, 2011

    Ask DB1: Halloween = Autodouche?

    ——-
    Dear DB1,

    I’m writing you concerning adults and Halloween costumes. It is my contention that anyone over the age of twelve who wear such costumes are Douche. The women who practice this seem to be living out some prostitution-fetish, submission fantasy judging by their slutty outfits. (Which I find acceptable, even admirable.)

    However, grown men who engage in this behavior are either Douchebags or are apparently working out deep-seated childhood insecurities based on latent homosexuality.

    Also, do you advocate the use of stool softeners in cases of chronic constipation?

    Your help in these matters would be greatly appreciated.

    Sincerely Yours,
    Backed-up in Bloomington

    ——-

    In regards to your first query, BuiB, absolutely not. Adults dressing up for Halloween is not douchey on any level, provided the costumes are in the spirit of fun and festivity, and not an excuse to act douchey by other means (see Chaz Osborne’s caveman costume in “Back To School”).

    Also, the chance to see boobie hottie suckle thighs dressed as nurses, kittens, and French maids is nothing to scoff at. Ever.

    In regards to the second query, I might suggest a tablespoon full of linseed oil every morning before breakfast. Also, avoid eating too much bread and apples.

    Happy Halloween!

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, October 31, 2011

    The Poopaloompa is a Halloweeny

    HCwDB legend and Closet of Poo quarantine victim, The Poopaloompa is still out there.

    Still dressing like Adam Lambert for Halloween. On New Years.

    Sista Tonya ain’t havin’ none of it. Mmm mmm. Or those two skinny white chicks.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, October 31, 2011

    HCwDB of the Week: Frego The Herplicker and Irene the Tongue

    At first I was gonna give it to either Mr. Wingtatt and Asian Melony or Onychomycosis, both featuring tremendous A-List Hottness as part of “Boobs Week.”

    And Boobs Week was indeed glorious.

    Even via iPhone Douche Bathroom Self-Portrait.

    But this pic of creepy Herpsterism and sexy tongue stayed with me like a taint rash made of festering itchy boil all through my glorious NYC weekend.

    And we must always find dialectic between sexy hottness and douchey rankness in interrelated entangled cohabit.

    And that be this.

    Chalk up Frego The Herpster and Irene The Tongue for the final Monthly of 2011.

    And props to ‘Bag Huntress Extraordinaire Medusa Oblongata for mocking up our official 2011 Douchie Award Trophy. And by mocking, I mean breakfast cereal.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Sunday, October 30, 2011

    Gino the Ginny: A More Innocent Time

    A pre Jersey Shore classic reminds us of innocent days of douchebags long passed.

    And by long passed, I mean dancing on the street for tips outside a Snack n’ Shack off I-95.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, October 29, 2011

    The 2011 Douchie Awards Begin December 5th

    Prepare.

    That is right.

    Prepare.

    For the 2011 Douchie Awards, an orgy of excess in exegetic organics will take place.

    Your role, should you accept it. Vote on the HCwDB of the Year. Vote in other select categories. Enjoy the awards I hand out arbitrarily because I’m too lazy to hold a bunch of votes.

    If you’re a regular, now’s your time to participate. Pick one of the categories and you can decide who wins the award, and who the runners up are. Just call it in the comments thread which 2011 Douchie Award you’d like to give out, then go through the past year and find the winner. Then email me your winner with your writeup (2-3 paragraphs) on why the award was given plus the top 3-5 runners up, so I can include them. All awards need to be in by December 1st.

    Also, anyone got photoshop and is good with the graphics? My trophies routinely suck, so if anyone wants to take a shot at making the official 2011 Douchie Award, bring your designation skills to bear. Trophy should read “2011 Douchie Award” on the base of the trophy, like past years. Then the top part has a supreme hottie/douchey couple embronzed upon it (your choice of which couple, but not The Gator, Donkey Douche, Joey Porsche, or Pat, as they’re from previous years). Ideally,you’d use this image.

    You may now commence with mocking me for relying on others to do work that I myself am capable of doing, but am far too drunk and lazy to actually do.

    Here’s your 2011 Douchie Award categories:

    Most Expensive First Date Hott
    Douchiest Hair
    Douchiest ‘Athlete’
    Clearest Proof of Natural Selection
    Douchiest Douche-Face
    Douchiest ‘Bag Trend
    Douchiest Hand Gesture
    Douchiest Facial Fung
    Hottest Librarian Hott
    The Ricky
    The John Largeman (Et Tu Douche? has already claimed this one)
    Douchiest ‘Bag Who May Be a Lesbian In Drag
    Greasiest Grease Stain
    Douchiest Lips
    Hottest Girl Next Door Hott
    Most Trashcan to the Head Worthy
    Douchiest Creature From Ancient Greek Myth
    The Douchebaguette
    Most Euro Eurobags
    Smells Like Poo
    Most Innovative ‘Bag Maneuver
    Douchiest HCwDB Movie
    ‘Celebrity’ HCwDB Couple of the Year
    The Yellowtail
    Greatest Crisis of Modernity
    Most Annoying ‘Bagling

    Voting categories, or solo awards I’m giving out, in which I welcome suggestions/recommendations via the comments thread:

    Hottest Hott of the Yea
    Best Pear of the Year
    Jerziest Jerz
    Douchiest Tattoo
    Orangest Orange
    Best Golden Globes
    Most Likely to be the Future Ex-Mrs. DB1
    Most Likely to be a Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023
    The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award

    Also we’ll induct our 2011 Closet of Mock class. And good times will be had.

    There will be mock.

    Oh yes.

    Ther will be mock.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, October 28, 2011

    Friday Thoughts and Links

    There are many components of the emerging mock in which hipster and douchebag have mated to produce herpster.

    Not least among them are the douche-glasses.

    Sort of the 10 Degree Hat Tilt of the Herpser set.

    This may be the one of the worst mutations of the Greico Virus we’ve seen in 2011. And hottie lick makes this picture all the worse. Maybe this should be Monday’s HCwDB of the Week?

    Which reminds me.

    Tomorrow we begin our official work prepping this place for the 2011 Douchie Awards (beginning December 5).

    That means sweeping up the alpaca poo from the veranda and straightening up the azalias on the indoor lufa lounge.

    Tomorrow, the first official announcement goes up, so if you wanna contribute, claim a category and hand out an award.

    In the meantime, your humble narrator is once again in New York trying to detox from the poison that is Los Angeles. The cure: A slice of East Village Brooklyn Pizza, sushi at Tomoe, breakfast at the Popover, and, of course, sooner or later, late night Bistro Burger.

    Cuz that’s how I roll NYC style.

    Here’s your links:

    Your HCwDB Book The DB1 is Currently Reading Pick of the Week: “They were insane with bravery and fools for battle, but like men from one end of the world to the other, they were slaves to their appetitues and to their love of treasure, and with their decks piled high with gold, fresh meat and casks of Georgian wine, the Northmen must as a matter of the highest principle choose profitable retreat over the doubtful glories of combat.”

    I never did hear the end of the joke John Bender tells before falling through the roof. What happened to the naked blonde with the poodle and the salami? There must be an answer.

    Forensic science colleges
    may be perfect
    for those who want to know the full story. (Resource Link)

    Just when you thought there was nothing else they could douche up with garish and vile design atrocity, here’s Ed Hardy Luggage.

    Ubiquitous Red Cup continues to gain social stature as an icon of Americana. No mention that it’s also an icon of douchey party photographs. But that’s why I’m here.

    There are few athletes in history I have loathed as much as sanctimonious blowhard Tim Tebow. Having blue eyes and endlessly talking about Jesus is enough to see society celebrate an obviously inferior talent in a Nietzchean ubermench style longing for early 20th Century genetic hierarchies, apparently. No ethnic quarterback would ever be given the chance that clown is being given.

    The increasingly great Cracked.com offers an overview of Six Classic Songs That Were Supposed to be Jokes. What, no mention of Mahler’s Fifth?

    Can a guy be heterosexual and still enjoy pictures of baby meerkats? I say yes.

    Llama llama twice the llama…

    But you are not just here for cute llama pics. You are here for Pear.

    Whistle Froth Pear.

    And the world is in harmonic butt globule balance once again.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, October 28, 2011

    Perfect Boobage Week Continues…

    You know how there’s Shark Week?

    Well I’m calling this week “Boobs Week.”

    Because the HCwDB marketing team down on the second floor of our West Coast office has informed me we need to strategize about viral branding mission statement virtual projection reconfigured synergies of cross-platform integration.

    So I fired all their asses and poured myself a Mr. Pibb.

    Boobs.

    And for the racists among us, you’re now all free to use the term “Towel Head” with impunity.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, October 28, 2011

    Friday Haiku

    “How for show, Yankee???
    Two een steenk, I sheet my pants;
    Feef-teen rubles, pleeze…”

    Blondie tribute band
    Cannot sing the song ‘Rapture’
    Creates depression.

    – Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt


    Wiktor and Ivan
    Hustlers with nothing to sell
    Except their sisters

    – saulgoode42

    don’t move hair from eyes
    you’ll see your arms are around
    duckface a l’orange

    – Douche Springsteen

    Vodka, abortions
    Despair, depression, Roofies
    Russian Douchebags Rule!

    – DoucheyWallnuts

    Hey, Amërïkä
    Comrade Krüschëv’s words ring true:
    “We will bury you!”

    – Hermit

    Blondie holds on tight
    Ivan and Boris are set
    Roofies break girls’ will

    – THEONETRUEDOUCHE

    When Nadja downs her
    Fifty-eighth vodka and pukes
    Levity breaks out.

    – The Reverend Chad Kroeger

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    # posted by DarkSock
    Thursday, October 27, 2011

    The Dude Who Works at Big Wangs on Cahuenga Spends His Paycheck

    You know that dude who works at Big Wangs on Cahuenga? Ever wonder how quickly he can blow his weekly paycheck of $235 during a drunken night out on Sunset chasing Paid-to-Post shots girl Mindy and Caroline?

    Answer: 63 minutes.

    And yes, there’s a wings and beer place in Hollywood named “Big Wangs.” It’s why my soul atrophies by the hour.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, October 27, 2011

    Reader Mail: The Tattoo=Autobag Conundrum

    Douche Slapper writes in with another question of sleeve tatt as audodouchery:

    —–
    Dear DB1,

    I have been enjoying the mock for a long time (2008ish) and I have noticed that over time, multiple tattoos, or a sleeve in the parlance of our time, has begun to move into the realm of autodouche.

    Is this true in all cases?

    I ask only because I myself am very heavily tattoo, but I exhibit no other signs of doucheness.

    I have been married, faithfully, for 5 years, have two boys, rarely if ever attend bars (for fear I will start punching random fruity drinks out of hands), and don’t pay attention to my hair style, tan line, etc. What are your thoughts, almighty DB1?

    -Douche Slapper
    —–

    The debate continues. However you do make a good point, D.S., as we now live in a world where those with many-tatts far outnumber those with the few, or the none. ‘Bag markers, as we’ve learned, are a cumulative effect. However, while sleeve tatts remain autobag in the visual realm, and we cannot exempt this, I will allow for other real-world factors, like not showing them in annoying ways to nearby cameras, to mitigate such rulings.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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