Friday, October 28, 2011

Friday Thoughts and Links

There are many components of the emerging mock in which hipster and douchebag have mated to produce herpster.

Not least among them are the douche-glasses.

Sort of the 10 Degree Hat Tilt of the Herpser set.

This may be the one of the worst mutations of the Greico Virus we’ve seen in 2011. And hottie lick makes this picture all the worse. Maybe this should be Monday’s HCwDB of the Week?

Which reminds me.

Tomorrow we begin our official work prepping this place for the 2011 Douchie Awards (beginning December 5).

That means sweeping up the alpaca poo from the veranda and straightening up the azalias on the indoor lufa lounge.

Tomorrow, the first official announcement goes up, so if you wanna contribute, claim a category and hand out an award.

In the meantime, your humble narrator is once again in New York trying to detox from the poison that is Los Angeles. The cure: A slice of East Village Brooklyn Pizza, sushi at Tomoe, breakfast at the Popover, and, of course, sooner or later, late night Bistro Burger.

Cuz that’s how I roll NYC style.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Book The DB1 is Currently Reading Pick of the Week: “They were insane with bravery and fools for battle, but like men from one end of the world to the other, they were slaves to their appetitues and to their love of treasure, and with their decks piled high with gold, fresh meat and casks of Georgian wine, the Northmen must as a matter of the highest principle choose profitable retreat over the doubtful glories of combat.”

I never did hear the end of the joke John Bender tells before falling through the roof. What happened to the naked blonde with the poodle and the salami? There must be an answer.

Forensic science colleges
may be perfect
for those who want to know the full story. (Resource Link)

Just when you thought there was nothing else they could douche up with garish and vile design atrocity, here’s Ed Hardy Luggage.

Ubiquitous Red Cup continues to gain social stature as an icon of Americana. No mention that it’s also an icon of douchey party photographs. But that’s why I’m here.

There are few athletes in history I have loathed as much as sanctimonious blowhard Tim Tebow. Having blue eyes and endlessly talking about Jesus is enough to see society celebrate an obviously inferior talent in a Nietzchean ubermench style longing for early 20th Century genetic hierarchies, apparently. No ethnic quarterback would ever be given the chance that clown is being given.

The increasingly great Cracked.com offers an overview of Six Classic Songs That Were Supposed to be Jokes. What, no mention of Mahler’s Fifth?

Can a guy be heterosexual and still enjoy pictures of baby meerkats? I say yes.

Llama llama twice the llama…

But you are not just here for cute llama pics. You are here for Pear.

Whistle Froth Pear.

And the world is in harmonic butt globule balance once again.

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# posted by douchebag1
Links n' stuff:
12:19 pm October, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I know it was you Frego.

12:20 pm October, 28 creature said...

hey boss it’s ok with us if you stay in NYC….one less car on the freeway, y’know

12:37 pm October, 28 Douche B4 Dishonor said...

Your selth loathing Jew showed itself with your comments about Tim Tebow.

Better check that shit. It ain’t funny.

12:52 pm October, 28 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Wasn’t Frego the douche brother in the Coreleone’s?

12:53 pm October, 28 DoucheyWallnuts said...

This will be the next most popular verse to be tatted on torsos; “I love you, red Solo cup. I fill you up. Proceed to party. Proceed to party.”

12:53 pm October, 28 Medusa Oblongata said...

^ But is he a left han jew?

12:54 pm October, 28 Medusa Oblongata said...

His chest tatt was supposed to say “Prego” ’cause that’s his favorite sauce.

12:55 pm October, 28 DoucheyWallnuts said...

You don’t have to be a Jew to laugh and loathe at the nonsense of Tim Tebow – or any athlete- giving praise to God or Jesus. It would be just as silly for an athlete to thank Harry Potter for looking over him. All are fictional characters.

12:57 pm October, 28 skrag2112 said...

Going through airport security with Ed Hardy luggage should be punishable by having the TSA give you a cavity search with a cement auger.

1:07 pm October, 28 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Going through airport security with Ed Hardy luggage should be punishable by having to lick that guys beard. Can’t even imagine how much X this girl has in her system.

1:12 pm October, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Canadian tattoines are allowed to use the same dermatological lazering device as doctors to remove tattoos. In some cities the tattoines are making more money removing than destroying supple young flesh.
.
Tim Tebow would first like to thank his Lord and Saviour, Jesus-sized cock for the win and for all of his blessings. What a turd!
.
@Vin Douchal
.
Were you Greg Giraldo?
.
Heart rocked by the way.
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gpNqB4dnT4

1:13 pm October, 28 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Rick Moranis is back with a vengence!! That 8 o’clock shadow lick is vomitatious.

1:20 pm October, 28 Jebus said...

Tebow sucks.

1:21 pm October, 28 Vin Douchal said...

Yeah, there’s no place for religion in sports or policitics keep your faith to yourself. I don’t think The Almighty cares if you throw the winning TD or if you’re buddies with an evangelist. Just stay safe and be good to your fellow man
.
In football, Tebow should be judged on results. Stats are for losers,a crutch to make them feel better about not winning. If he drags them into the playoffs and they have any success, good for him. You don’t have to watch his interviews
.
.
As an avowed fan of Toby Keith I can tell you the Red Solo Cup song is bad, really bad. He’s lost it. “Honky Tonk University” was his last great cd. Nice run while it lasted, Okie

1:43 pm October, 28 Douchial Webster said...

Speaking of Tebow, now this:

http://www.tebowing.com

1:51 pm October, 28 CB Popped said...

I love it when DB1 comes to my part of town….

Whistle Froth Pear’s G string is so small, it looks like a Heinz Ketchup spill. Squeeze bottle style.

1:57 pm October, 28 Nancy Dreuche said...

I for one would like to thank Samurai Scrote for another chance to participate in this years Douchies. I’ve been training all year again. Just ask the fat kid who eats an icecream in front of me or the lady that had 17 items in the 15 items or less aisle at the grocery store. I hope some of the regs will bring it with some writeups off their own again. You’re going down Stackhouse!!! Wait, whose even in the running this year? Zyzz is dead. Stackhouse is a laughable has been (when you make a site that is a copy of the site that makes fun of you, youve pretty much lost your alpha status. Get some…new ideas.). The rest of the bags featured this year are kind of a blur. Should still be interesting though.

2:06 pm October, 28 jonezy said...

I just hope DB1 has a nice write up of some tasty Halloween Hotties at some point next week. I still love Asian Nautical chick from a few years back. Or maybe she was the Pillsbury doghboy? Can’t recall, but it’s a great time of the year to be watching hotties slut it up in the name of…. yeah, for no real reason other than to slut it up with no remorse.

2:06 pm October, 28 douche equis said...

Oh god, The Douchies. I had almost forgotten. Each one is like a marathon crawl over radioactive, anthrax-covered broken glass to a finish line populated with a variety of cheeto-colored, tatted, roided DOUCHEBAGS and I don’t know if I can take it this year. Last year nearly killed me.

2:10 pm October, 28 memphis doucheworkers local 421 said...

I second the Tebow thing. As someone who both grew up a few blocks from the UT-Knoxville campus and who is interested in reality and reason, there are few things I despise more than the Florida Gators and Evangelical Christians. This Tebow guy embodies everything I loathe in one self-righteous gelled-up douche package.

2:51 pm October, 28 DarkSock said...

I thought Tebow what that kung-fu that fat chicks did with that bald headed black dude.

2:55 pm October, 28 DarkSock said...

It’s sad to see that Ralphie turned out all douchie…
adfsfsd
aerrg

3:21 pm October, 28 schlicht bindenburger said...

who the fuck is tebow? Once, when i ran with the guttersnipes, i had to drink an litre jar of prego in the effort to keep it from being pinched out of the bottom of the refuse heap that graced my safeway cart!! Oh…..mighty fine pear this flyday chief!!!!

4:01 pm October, 28 Vin Douchal said...

@ Rev Chad
.
This is not me, either:
.

4:24 pm October, 28 hermit said...

Figures Ralphie turned out douche.
If I see that movie one more time I’ll go firing squad on a bunch of baby meerkats, and shoot their eyes out with my Red Ryder.
(Of course I’d stomp them to put them out of their misery, ’cause I’m a humanitarian.)

5:33 pm October, 28 Wedgie said...

Going to New York to detox from L.A. is like switching to heroin to kick your meth habit. Not gonna work, boss. You really want to get that stink off, you’re gonna have to head for an island. And I don’t mean Catalina.
.
.
Tebow will contend for celebridouche, this year or next. Fuccen sanctimonious knucklehead. If there is a God, which I seriously doubt, he should lay a little lightning on that fuccer, just for fun.

5:56 pm October, 28 tall guy said...

Fuck those glasses! As a specs wearer I’ve road tested several styles over the years. I confess to owning a pair of refurbished Ray Bans. The frames are too large and too pronounced for reading glasses. On anyone. Just this week I spoke with my optometrist about returning the original lenses to the Wayfarer frames. My next choice of styles is a small version in two-colour or tortoise shell. I’ll wait until the douche baseline catches up and then move on to an alternate style. It’s one of the few ways I can beat them. Short of using a nail-spiked club to their head. Which isn’t beyond me, I’m sure. Enjoy your weekend fellow ‘Bagsters (even you, Stephanie). If we cannot eradicate it, the Greico Virus must at least be slowed down.

6:18 pm October, 28 creature said...

yeah Wedgie, God should go Job all over Tebow’s sanctimonious ass…& then let Satan go buckwild sodomizing it!

6:26 pm October, 28 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, have a good weekend and FYI Stephanie is my bitch so hands off. She is a very special “lady”. And Wedgie is right about the whole New York to detox from LA thing. Sorry DB1, looks like you need another vacation to the Andes to detox. PS Leave DarkSock in charge again. Shit was off the hook when he had the reigns.

6:29 pm October, 28 FoghornLeghorn said...

That girl has an awe-inspiring tongue, in case you missed that.

6:52 pm October, 28 Stephanie said...

I’ve never been loved so much. I’m still a female Nancy. I didn’t know I was your bitch. What does that mean?
From girl to girl,I’m not up on the newest lingo. Is that a good thing?
I’ll bet Ed Hardy makes condoms too. If I saw that coming at me, I’d cross my legs and run.

7:00 pm October, 28 DarkSock said...

Stephanie:
.
How do girls pee? Because, you know, they don’t have ding-dings.
.
I don’t believe what I’ve seen from the Google searches (obvious CGI), and Mrs. Dark Sock won’t tell me or let me watch. And Mr. White just sighs.
.
Sincerely,
.
D.S.

7:56 pm October, 28 creature said...

Specs (pictured) lower half of face (jaw) looks like hairy pussy

8:04 pm October, 28 Steve L. said...

well this will be the last dedicated Douchies award before the site goes… anywhere and everywhere?
.
so what can i say? i hate every Walt Disney cartoon character ever made. especially Donald Duck.

8:14 pm October, 28 Steve L. said...

once i get over the flu, i’ll try to look for “Georgian wine”.
.
(seriously, what the fuck is “Georgian wine”?)

9:00 pm October, 28 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Stephanie, remember Jeff? Yeah, that was me. See what I did was type a dudes name in the name box and then proceeded to make comments about my “boner”. Nobody bought it. And if they did, Hahahaha! Anyway as long as you dont comment about bloating and your period we’re still cool. And when I call you my bitch that means you’re like my online friend with no benefits. So you’ve got that going for you. Keep up the good work girlfriend!

9:15 pm October, 28 Wedgie said...

I have a confession, too, Nancy. I’m a lesbian.

9:18 pm October, 28 Wedgie said...

And now that I’ve got that off my chest, I feel free to point out that the girl in the photo above has a very nice tongue.
.
Being a lesbian is a lot of fun.

9:31 pm October, 28 Nostradouchus said...

It doesn’t matter how ironic your beard is, it won’t hide your duckface.

1:48 am October, 29 tall guy said...

@ Dreuche, I could easily make her my bitch. One serve of my rod of justice is all it’d take.
I guess at least one hand is not off yet.

2:18 am October, 29 Cap Snaffler said...

I would enjoy a slow rusty trombone from Miss Tongue. It might be the lighting but the pink haired glasses peter puffer would rather take it up the ass.

6:04 am October, 29 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Jesus Fuck. I just come to from a night that is like The Hangover meets Leaving Las Vegas, and now I have to prepare for Satanic Halloween rituals. And I’m totally out of black jello and pumpkin scented astroglide.

7:31 am October, 29 Et Tu Douche? said...

Re; Whistle Froth Pear. I’d like to whistle her dixie.

7:39 am October, 29 The Dude said...

Wallace Shawn looks 30 yrs younger, and much douchier.

7:56 am October, 29 Et Tu Douche? said...

Will DarkSock get a laudatory mention for running the site and spoiling us with tons o pear when Db1 was Alpaca stalking in Peru earlier this year? He should.

8:21 am October, 29 douche equis said...

After a few solitary hours contemplating this ass pear pic I found was mystified by the title, Whistle Froth pear. Then I looked back at it and saw she had a whistle in her mouth and was standing in frothy water. Odd that I missed that for the first few hours.

9:03 am October, 29 DarkSock said...

@ Et Tu…oh, he wasn’t stalking them…
.
With four legs and mad climbing skills you think the little fuckers would’ve stood a chance…
.
I don’t judge, though. Think of it not as bestiality, but rather as having forced sex with a wriggling coffee table made of meat.
.
What with my horse thing, I can’t throw stones.

9:08 am October, 29 DarkSock said...

And you know, guys, we come here together for months, years, as a virtual community, doing our duty and mocking the ridiculous (or as Pfah would spell it, rediculous) and sometimes we forget to communicate directly and sincerely with one another and say to one another what’s really important. That’s why I feel compelled to say…
.
What an annoying screech-harpy bee-yitch Alanis Morrissette is. Good lord, listening to “You Oughta Know” is like hearing a sped-up recording of one of Nancy Grace’s periods…bitch has a peanut-shaped head and the body of that thing that came out of the tub in “The Shining”…is she dead yet? I hate her more than I hate Delaware or Walter Mondale. Don’t get me started on Mondale…fuccen kkunt…
.
.
Jagged Little Pills.

9:18 am October, 29 Douche of Hazard said...

I like her a lot.

Fregos

9:33 am October, 29 creature said...

it is true….Alanis Morrissette does not rock

10:09 am October, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Dark Sock
.
I must agree that Alanis is a shreiker. She was however at one time a cheery young tot in Ottawa getting fucked by this older guy who was her producer and the keyboardist in an unimportant band called 8 Seconds. She was also a high schooler at this time.
.
I had a roomate who fucked the singer of this band and let me in on Alanis secret. This was the dude who made her miserable and scream her way to untold wealth. Not the fruit from the show with the ugly twins.
.
Anyhows. I was running a crew re-roofing the Bank of Canada building while I was working on my Masters and had a few workers maybe 8 years younger than me. They wanted me to go drinking one Friday night so we got drunk and I went to a teen house party. In the corner surrounded by guys was a hot little 16-17 year old Alanis who these guys went to school with at Glebe Collegiate. She was quite pleasant and I chatted with her for a few moments before leaving to chat with other barely legal Canadian teenagers.
.
Back at work on the Monday, the dudes mentioned to me that I had been talking to an up and coming singer who had a video soon to be released to Much Music.
.
The song went something like this.
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ar7afdfBHj4&feature=related
.
I would have done her young disco plumpness.

10:17 am October, 29 tall guy said...

Also, before the new page comes in I’d just like to register my approval for Whistle Stop Pear.

10:27 am October, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And the girl with the tonque above strikes me as a likeness of the tiny dirty sexy girl in the Bangles playing at The Whistle Test.
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWP-AsG5DRk

10:32 am October, 29 tall guy said...

Interesting story, Kroeger. Bit like that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm with a bit of Seinfield thrown in. Alas, you’re keeping schtum about shrinkage.

10:52 am October, 29 Eponymous Douche said...

Out of character for this site, a picture of a girl licking a penis. Haven’t seen anything like that here before…

11:13 am October, 29 DarkSock said...

Train, Sheryl Crow, Paula Cole and The Charlie Daniels Band all have songs called “Mississippi”.
.
What does Delaware have?
.
.
.
.
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
.
Mississippi Queens…You know what I mean…

11:21 am October, 29 The Dude said...

I’m a musician, but I’ve never managed to develop a working knowledge of pop music. As a child, I was sheltered from it; as a college student I rebelled against it. And ever since then, I just don’t give a shit.
.
.
Alanis who?

12:19 pm October, 29 IL Douché said...

Me Ne Frego! “I don’t care.” or “I’m not interested.” in Italian

12:36 pm October, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Tall Guy
.
Can you repeat that in a non-allegorical verse? I do not understand mate.

3:14 pm October, 29 Stephanie said...

@Tall Guy-don’t get ahead of yourself. I’m not moved by anyone’s appendage other than my guys’.
Dark Sock,come on over,you can watch me sit on the toilet,if that’s your thing,Chuck Berry. The only thing is,my place is like the Adam’s Family and you’re not going to be able to leave. Nancy,you’re so bad,pretending to be a guy,why would you want to do that? It’s so…early cro magnon.

3:45 pm October, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

I’m just busting your balls Steph. You’re one if my faves on here. And when I’m Jeff, I’m actually doing it to mock you. Play within a play I tells ya. It’s pretty cool that all this made Wedgie comfortable enough to come out as a lesbian though. I would like to take a knee and thank Tim Tebow for that.

5:58 am October, 30 kingcitydouce said...

Db1,

I have lionized you in the past, but your smack-down of Tim Tebow is misplaced. You may not cotton to his religious convictions, but this is a guy who used his signing bonus to buy equipment for an orphanage in the Phillipines rather than setting up a dog-killing ring a la Mr. Vick.

Give your head a shake Db and honor goodness for goodness sake. He may not be a great quarterback, but the guy is a “winner” in every sense of the word.

2:15 pm October, 30 tall guy said...

@ Stephanie, I’m still trying to get head from myself.

1:13 pm October, 31 Stephanie said...

@tall guy
If this is a concern of yours and you have trouble reaching it,maybe just give up,and smear peanut butter on it and call the dog over. I’ve heard it does the job.
Tim Tebow only has so much time to actually start playing football,meanwhile The Packers are still winning.

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