Wednesday, November 30, 2011

    Wez Retires to Boca

    After thirty years on the road chasing Mad Max, sometimes it’s time to hang up your gothic postapocalyptic football jersey and enjoy a Mai Tai by the pool with a Party Chick.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, November 30, 2011

    Somewhere in Southern New Jersey…

    ….a Pontiac Crossfire Smells Like Coconut Oil.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, November 30, 2011

    The Leechster Brothers Approve of the HCwDB of the Month, Then Go and Tour Poland

    Things are cheaper in Poland, yo.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, November 30, 2011

    HCwDB of the Month: The Garglebag and Nadia

    Our last and final entrant in the 2011 campaign for HCwDB is… The Garglebag and Nadia.

    With a two-pic run of douchebaggery, including Garglebag and Nadia Smell Like Rhesus Ass, this was a barely winning coupling, just out-siliconing Frego the Herplicker and Irene the Tongue. The voters speak:

    DoucheyWallnuts: The Garglebag and Nadia FTW. Garglebag has combined douchey-ness and pussy-ness to a new height and therefore must be a winner (loser). Nadia is ying to Gargle’s yang.

    tall guy: Garglebag & Nadia for they alone both capture and renew the zeal of all those other anonymous but essential understudies whose duty it is to pose, gesture and generally drink from the cup of life, which is, of course, red.

    SonnyChibaChoad: The Garglebag and Nadia FTW..the combo of tropical chest scribbles (flaming flower aromas??) and hideous bolt-ons from the Plasti-Clinic of Novosibirsk on Nadia combine for the strongest quadratidouchadoxical equation this month…

    Mr. Scrotato Head: Garglebag and Nadia because nipple as tattoo’d flower center needs to be uprooted with a pickaxe and Nadia’s female groin shave reveal is 2011’s Birth of Venus. At the very least its one sweet glitter spurting clam shell.

    Magnum Douche P.I: Gotta go with the Garglebag and Nadia. He just appears to put so much effort into being a douche. Nadia’s bikini bottom could double as a band-aid. And for that I give thanks and a vote.

    Capt. James T. Douche: Garglebag and Nadia when looking at them its pretty much knee jerk reflex to almost anyone viewing to say “why is she with him?” Plus a tat that has the nipple incorporated into it = major autodouche. His skin should be removed, carefully preserved and taxidermied and used as a tapestry at the local #1 Chinese buffet. She gets major Bleeth points just for being around this ink stain.

    Troy Tempest: I’m going with Nadia and Garglebag, because they are both prime examples as to why the human race deserves extinction.

    The Dude: Her smile says “don’t feel guilty that your attraction to me and my balloons violates your well-considered standards of hottness.”
    Her groin area says “come right in!”

    Hurl Scheibe: I’m going for Garglebag and Nadie. Epic Female GSR is always vote worthy.

    Female GSR does seem to trump all. But Frego and Irene were just one tongue lick behind:

    Charles Douchewin: To be sure, all candidates are worthy, but one of these things is not like the others. The others are just standing side by side in typical, relatively harmless, picture pose. But with Frego and Irene, not even the purple glow softens the visceral blow from this image.

    Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: I know it was you, Frego. You broke my heart. You broke my heart! Frego, you’re nothing to me now. You’re not a brother, you’re not a friend. I don’t want to know you or what you do. I don’t want to see you at the hotels, I don’t want you near my house. When you see our mother, I want to know a day in advance, so I won’t be there. You understand?

    Douche Springsteen: I cast my vote for Frego since he looks like a douchey Will Oldham (perhaps one of the least non-douchey recording artists I’ve ever had the pleasure of conversing with) and Irene the Tongue, with her eyes closed and tongue extended, appears ready to pleasure with the French arts.

    Mmmm… French arts. Herman Herpster and Taut Miranda were third (but could’ve easily won), andBand Promoter Petey and Barely Legal Bonnie came in a solid fourth, as this was basically a toss-up month.

    Dude McCrudeshoes: Herman is the first MacCocclov in 200 years who is legally able to go within 200 yards of a school, and therefore there were high hopes of an associates degree or at least some Las Vegas Community College t-shirts. But Herman has gone very far astray, and the MacCocclov Clan will have to wait another generation for redemption.

    SomeGuy: To borrow a turn of phrase from Roseanne Barr, his head looks like her crotch turned upside down. And that prominently displayed left nipple is so…distracting, yet disturbing… And the Terminator shades make me sure that, clad in nothing more than said kilt, Herman spends hours doing his Ahnult impressions in front of the mirror, which probably impresses the hell out of Miranda.

    Et Tu Douche?: I’m going with Herman Herpster and Taut Miranda FTW, cause it really is the second picture that puts him over the top and by over the top I mean he’s an ass-clown.

    Medusa Oblongata: Band promoter Petey. When I look at the picture, I catch a whiff of that water they use to boil hot dogs in. I believe the Bruce Springsteen tattoo on his arm there agrees with me. And I would Bonnie her Brigadoons all day.

    Ferris: I bet Petey calls people “G money” a lot and I f#cking hate that. Petey and Bonnie ftw.

    skrag2112: Frego and Irene. Just because shes licking him. He must taste like the underside of a sofa cushion in a frathouse.

    DarkSock: Frego The Herplicker needs his dick slow-twisted off by a curious baboon plied with Ambien and ether, and then made to watch time-lapse footage of fire ants consuming his anguished spiraled junk on an endless repeat loop. Then someone needs to shoot his eye out, kid. Irene needs her tongue scraped clean with my yogurt-loaded ham squeegee.

    Well said all in our last voting of 2011 before the big one gets here. And by big one, I mean epic colonic gas from an In-n-Out double double. Lets lets Nostradouchus take us home:

    Garglebag FTW because he wears his shades on the side of neck like a retard.

    I’m surprised more haven’t noticed the sideways neck glasses. Total douche. And Nadia is hott, even as age creeps up like a stalking ferret. Chalk ‘em for the Yearly. And your scruffy narrator gets Pops.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, November 29, 2011

    Lando Tanktoppian

    Hellooo… what have we here?

    Oh. We have a skeezy Floridian douchegator bothering Carla and Marice.

    And you thought the douche plague was receding into the past. Silly you.

    Take in this pictorial wrongness. And realize the mock must continue.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, November 29, 2011

    One Word Tuesday

    Bung.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, November 29, 2011

    Stoagy McBain Voted in the HCwDB of the Month

    Did you?

    Mmmm… Milfy Marjorie… so spicey. So fiery.

    Busy week here at DB1 H.Q. as we gear up for the 2011 Douchie Awards. Some hilarious writeups have already come in, and I’mma going through the archives and seeing what we got.

    Hottest Hott ain’t gonna be easy to cull down, nor Golden Globes. Many boobie hottie suckle thighs to consider.

    The HCwDB of the Year is also as wide open as it’s been. Who will win/lose? That remains to be seen.

    But for now, I’s grabs some Trader Joes frosted mini wheats.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, November 28, 2011

    HCwDB of the Month

    Booya! Put down that turkey. Youse got work to do. It’s our last coupling selection process for the 2011 Douchie Awards (starting next week). Make it count.

    HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Herman Herpster and Taut Miranda

    Herman Herpster and Taut Miranda are everything that’s rotten at summer herpster BBQs throughout the Tri-State area.

    And lets not forget Herman Herpster and Miranda Pic #2.

    Together, they form dialectic of pigeon puddle piddle.

    A yellow steaming mess of bird pee.

    I have no idea what I’m saying.

    Up next:

    HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Frego The Herplicker and Irene the Tongue

    Here’s a classic douchepose in mid-action.

    A tasty drunk hottie marking her descent into stupidtattland.

    With one lick.

    One odious lick.

    Society collapses under herpster stupid glasses and Euro-Nordic doucheface.

    And the baby Jesus piddled on a picture of Tim Tebow.

    And all was wrong in Manchester.

    But enough to win the monthly? There’s a good chance.

    Up next:

    HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Garglebag and Nadia Ruminate on Heidegger

    At some point, they’ll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe. And chat not about Heidegger, but wine.

    A two pic series of wretchedness, let’s not forget Garglebag and Nadia #2.

    Nadia’s gnaw cleavite is impressive, and the Garglebag is putrid.

    Another Herpster in the Vegastronic milieu.

    Another hottie body that has made a terrible life choice.

    And possibly one of the worst tattoos in the history of creation.

    Like really, really bad.

    I just micturated on a rug.

    And it really held the room together.

    HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Band Promoter Petey and Barely Legal Bonnie

    Mmmm… Barely Legal Bonnie has the Zoroastrian Back Arch of Coitus. And G-d saw it. And it was good.

    Band Promoter Petey actually has the disposition of a normal dude, but with so many toxic douche signifiers, NO PASS.

    He must be mocked. And mocked severely.

    But is he douchey enough and is she hott enough to win the very last Monthly of 2011 and earn the last slot at the 2011 Douchie Awards?

    That remains to be seen.

    I actually went one too many weeks, so I’m leaving off The Entrepeneurbag and Nadijka because methinks she’ll merit consideration on her own at the 2011 Douchie Awards, and he’s just a puddy band promoter.

    Which coupling deserves our last slot for the HCwDB of the Year, starting next week? Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Sunday, November 27, 2011

    James Cagney Shows How It’s Done

    No bodyspray, garish tatts, muscle flexing or stupid hair needed. Just charm.

    And lets not forget, Jean Harlow was a crazed, S&M hottie.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, November 26, 2011

    Comment of the Week: Anonymous

    The everpresent Anonymous brings the one sentence historical quip in the “Would You Like to Buy Some Timeshare in Acapulco?” Thread and wins the coveted Thanksgiving HCwDB Comment of the Week:

    ————-
    Her stare could make Khrushchev put his shoe back on.
    —————

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    # posted by douchebag1
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