Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Brett Ratner

For those who are fans of cinema, you probably haven’t heard of Brett Ratner.

Ratner directs blobby things of image and sound that I prefer to call “Poovies.” Semicoherent rabbles of mediocrity that glow with the shameful spectacle of money polished by rat turd.

This rank preening choad of Hollywood obsequiousness and spineless studio hackery was fired from directing the Oscars yesterday for proving his douchebag status by quoting Shakepespeare when he said “rehearsing is for fags.”

Lame fratboy machismo, even buried under a mountain of undeserved Hollywood cash, can’t diminsh the stench of Axe bodyspray and empty cans of Four Loko in the back of a limo covered with various sundry body fluids.

Here’s to you, Ratnerbag.

Now go screw up a remake of “80s Box Office Hit #43.”

And in honor of Family Circus creator Bil Keane having died today, here’s a rant I ranted from back in 2007 that I’m particularly proud of: Why Jeffy is ‘Bag. Back in the stone age when mocking douchebag culture was just something I did on my blog.

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# posted by douchebag1
Links n' stuff:
9:51 am November, 9 Leery said...

Who is the hott with the horse teeth?

9:55 am November, 9 tall guy said...

Exactly. Who’s Mrs Ed?

10:04 am November, 9 Mr. Biggs said...

Oh God, he directed X Men Last Stand? Say no more. Total travesty… turned Jean Grey into a trophy wife.

10:10 am November, 9 saulgoode42 said...

Just heard this guy’s name for the first time yesterday, and it wasn’t even for this. Apparently, he was at some kind of geek convention and when cornered by fans’ questions, he copped to being the shrimp fat-covered, masturbating turd that Olivia Munn wrote about (unnamed) in her book. He went on to say that he ‘banged her a few times’ but later on at an audition didn’t remember her, which is why she lied about his teeny peeny and shrimp fat fetish.

Anybody who besmirches Olivia Munn as forgettable should be made to shave hirsute nuns at a French insane asylum for the rest of his life.

10:10 am November, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Anyone who would direct not one, but all three “Rush Hour” movies deserves to be slapped to death by all the gays in Hollywood. It would probably take a month for all of them to get their shots in, but it would be time well spent.
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But seriously, as a contributor to a website that thrives on being insensitive and outrageous, I think people having a fit over Ratner saying fag is ridiculous. So tired of people demanding the right to NEVER be offended. A guy can’t use the term fag even though gays call themselves that? A guy can’t use the term fag but teabag is ok? If this standard were universally applied Bill Mahr would have been out of a job a long time ago and only be in the news today for raping OWS protestors in some remote LA Park screaming “I want my bench back! I want my bench back!” Pathetic. God, have we become so f*cking soft that nobody can say anything that will offend someone?
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On the plus side its always nice to see Hollywood eat one of their own.

10:11 am November, 9 hermit said...

Trying to decipher that Family Circus link gave me a headache.

10:13 am November, 9 hermit said...

Amen, Scrotato.

10:15 am November, 9 hermit said...

B.T.W. There hasn’t been a good movie made since Cukoo’s Nest.

10:16 am November, 9 saulgoode42 said...

True dat. So he’s juvenile for saying “fags”. Big deal. I’m far more offended that he did Olivia and didn’t appreciate it!

10:16 am November, 9 hermit said...

Political correctness is the New Mc Carthyism.

10:23 am November, 9 Douchble Helix said...

He’s worse than all that. On Howard Stern’s show he admitted he didn’t, bang Olivia Munn.

10:24 am November, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Political Correctness is the new Spanish Inquisition. AND NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!
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10:26 am November, 9 Douche Springsteen said...

I dunno, I kinda liked Red Dragon, but other celluloid crimes and his douchie behavior are enough to render me unsympathetic.
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And throwing around a slur like “fag” is on the same level as calling a black person a nigger in my opinion. It’s a really hateful word and shows an utter lack of creativity if you’re falling back on that as an insult. There’s a brilliant sequence in one of the opening scenes of Louis C.K.’s show where one of the comics playing cards goes through to etymology of the word and how it came to be used as a slur against gay men. Fuck this guy, it has nothing to do with being PC and everything to do with being a decent person.

10:26 am November, 9 saulgoode42 said...

Wow, right you is: http://www.wwtdd.com/2011/11/brett-ratner-lied-about-banging-olivia-munn/

What a pud.

10:29 am November, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

If nigger is such a universally bad word why do black people use it as a term of endearment to each other? Is it only bad when a non-black person uses it? It has everything to do with being PC.

10:32 am November, 9 Tanath said...

The hell is a Bret Ratner? I took a T away from him as punishment for existing.

10:36 am November, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

I had to cross my eyes like I was looking at one of those magic eye pictures to decipher your Family Circus link, DB1, but nice breakdown of Billy’ s desent into baggery. I always lumped in Family Circus with Mary Worth as far as cartoons went. Zzzzzzzzz. Zippy the Pinhead they were not.
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Agree with Scrotato, its time to stop with the PC bullshit. It has gone too far. My faggot ass faggy friends agree. That’s why this site is so great. That Ratner guy got his first BJ from a tranny, so he’s practically a fag himself. No word yet if said tranny was Quartasian.

10:40 am November, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

Listen all you honkeys in an uproar over the terms fag and nigger, settle down. Yeah, that’s all I got.

10:41 am November, 9 Vin Douchal said...

Brett Ratner shares with Ben Stiller , a hit or miss movie maker if there ever was one, the unique ability to make a shit movie with great actors
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In Stiller’s case he had two monster comedic actors in Jim Carrey and Matthew Broderick and could not pull off ,”The Cable Guy”. Ratner’s crime is taking the great Jackie Chan , pairing him with the occassionally funny Chris Tucker and making the Rush Hour dreckfest
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The first Rush Hour had the interest factor but not enough Jackie doing his amazing acrobatic fight scenes. Ratner’s a loudmouth, a lout, a spoiled kid with a bully syndrome but flashes some rare brilliance. This is why he gets the press.
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Jackie Chan’s greatest fight scene:
.

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Watch what he does with that ladder at 3:20

10:45 am November, 9 Medusa Oblongata said...

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

10:52 am November, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Vin^
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Ratner directed Stiller in “Tower Heist”. And its got a 70% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I have no idea what to do with that info.

10:58 am November, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Medusa^
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Read your post too quickly the first time and thought you were saying PC is a “Tranny with manners”.
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Which I find very offensive.

11:08 am November, 9 Vin Douchal said...

@ Mr S Head
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Tower Heist has Eddie Murphy being Eddie Fuccen Murphy in it. That’s why it’s probably a good movie. I’ll let you know in 3 years when I see it on TBS in it’s homogenized form

11:30 am November, 9 Hermit said...

On my Dumbphone the Family Circus cartoons were superimposed over the text. On my desktop my headache has lessened. That said, this is the “funny” I would giggle at the most as a child. Nothing like mixing The Old Testament with stiff cocks.

11:31 am November, 9 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I would like to see what would happen if Shatner directed Stiller.

11:52 am November, 9 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

So wait, this guy gets paid megabucks to waste millions on epilepsy inducing Hollywood drek, AND has the 14 year-old locker room mentality to not only lie about his exploits, but the audacity to drag other names into his delusions of adequacy? And he’s honorary? What do you have to do to get the full monty? Defile the corpse of mother Teressa with a jelly dong?
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And Olivia Munn is a cool chick. I’d like to bitchslap this munchichi looking pudwack into low orbit for her.

11:55 am November, 9 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Tell me you don’t see the family resemblance:
http://www.worstcartoonsever.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/monchichi-292×300.jpg

11:59 am November, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

Let’s attack the PC problem this way.
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FACT: I enjoy offending people. Basically you can find out a lot about someone just by hitting the right hot button. That is also a euphemism. If the PC people want me to stop saying offensive things, they should stop freaking out when I do. It’s like crack to me. I’m not proud of it but its just really funny. So yes, in conclusion my offended targets are partly to blame. 4CreatureProng, I’m sorry, but it really is just best to ignore me.

12:16 pm November, 9 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Nance, don’t take this the wrong way, but there is a word for someone who intentionally posts offensive messages on the internet because they enjoy the reaction. Maybe lets get back to the mock.

12:26 pm November, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

Oh my god I’m a troll. Well, I guess it really has come full circle. It started out as an innocent social experiment, but it turned me into a reaction seeking monster. And takes one to know one McCrudeshoes. From here on out my only focus will be the mock. Back to basics as it were. My apologies fellow baghunters, it will not happen again. Bringeth forth the AssPearations and boobela suckle thigh! Okay, sorry that was the last one.

12:49 pm November, 9 Stephanie said...

No apologies needed,Nancy,who’s never written crap they sometimes didn’t think was really how they felt or maybe slipped up? Who cares? Live your life with mistakes. Anyone who posts will sometimes be troll-like,because it’s hard to remember you might be a troll at times,and not even know it.
Rehearsing is for fags? Well that just about sums it up. Because there’s no real good film making by this guy,just cha ching box office coinage,which doesn’t make a good film I want to watch once… Gimme a break,there’s hardly a film worth seeing in the theaters lately, and hardly an awards show worth falling down over and watching,this celebrity worship is so tiresome. Go remake another movie that doesn’t have rights,you have to buy,like maybe your next idea will be a Zombie Mother Goose flick?
Gee,I can’t wait for that one. Remember they used to say,it went straight to video,well this will go straight to the thrift store shelf or to The Pirate Bay.

12:55 pm November, 9 Stephanie said...

Why Jeffy is bag is pretty entertaining by the way.

12:56 pm November, 9 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

zzzzzzzz boring. majority of these hollywood guys are douchebags. Its a given. And the picture above is not a hot chick. You could open beer bottles with her mouth. Lets please move on and get some more pic of Nadijka and d-b Doug, preferably with her in a bikini.

1:10 pm November, 9 jonezy said...

I like turtles

1:10 pm November, 9 jonezy said...

^ I meant fags. Sorry.
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I like fags.

1:11 pm November, 9 jonezy said...

^^ in the fag hag sort of way.
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not the anal way.
.
.
dandies.

1:21 pm November, 9 Ernest Hemmingdouche said...

“The only way to take the true measure of man is to hold his balls in your hand. Not in a sexual way, but you need to feel their heft in your palm while you stare through his eyes and into his soul. Then you know the worth of that man.”
- Ernest Hemmingdouche

1:23 pm November, 9 skrag2112 said...

Family Circus was a lame comic true, but I wish I had the job security that Bill Keane had. 6 decades of redrawing the same tired ‘jokes’ and getting paid for it? Hell, beats flipping burgers.

1:24 pm November, 9 hermit said...

Right on Ernie.

1:40 pm November, 9 Rick Derris said...

I know him! He’s the guy who made the SHITTY X-Men movie!

1:43 pm November, 9 Ernest Hemmingdouche said...

Some writers write about war. I have sought to celibate bravery when death and despair are all around. These are not the same. I will tell you without shame, that in a dirty foxhole, amidst the gunfire, a man can kiss another man and let know man say it is gay. Men may kiss, and fondle, and fellate, and if any man says this is gay, he is no man at all.
- Ernest Hemmingdouche

2:01 pm November, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Ernest, um don’t mean to burst your bubble, but it is still gay. I guess that makes me no man at all. So, in conclusion, I am a woman. Hear me snore.
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C’mon DB1, I think we’ve master debated the snot out of this current subject.

2:13 pm November, 9 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Brett Ratner looks like every other over-paid, pop culture, elitist scum bag. A fat, disgusting douchebag who only gets tail because he’s a Hollywood player. He was beat up all through his school days and now he gets his revenge by banging starlets and models while putting out putrid movies.
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Revenge is a dish best served (and fucced) shaved and under 23 with at least a nice C-cup with an outrageous body that looks incredible wearing heels.

3:11 pm November, 9 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

HA! Leery@9:51a beat me to it, but I was just gonna say is it me or did she tell her cosmetic dentist to copy the Neanderthal look?

3:17 pm November, 9 CB Popped said...

Rehearsal is for fags,,,,Oh Really?

Assclown.

3:18 pm November, 9 Douchble Helix said...

Wow, that Family Circus blast from the past was awesome!
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Remember when [name your favorite show] was really [insert positive description here]?
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That’s how this site used to be. DB1 used to be so [insert positive decription here].
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Until he and his site jumped the shark that one time with [introducing Snooki to the world].

3:51 pm November, 9 Face Ripper Monkey said...

“That’s how this site used to be. DB1 used to be so [insert positive decription here].
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Until he and his site jumped the shark that one time with [introducing Snooki to the world].”
.
So I’ve been summoned again. Can’t a monkey go on holiday for a while without having to come back to Whiny Little Bitch espousing even more stupidity?
.
I have an idea. Try that new diet where you swallow concertina wire until it comes out your asshole. I know it will be hard for you to tell which end is which but give it a try. Then pretend like you’re flossing and run it back and forth until you cut yourself in half. You’ll make everyone here happy that you did.

4:01 pm November, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Face Ripper Monkey, if Douchble Helix follows your advice, who will present the Trannies and Quartasian Award? Please, we need him. But really just for that. No offense DH.

4:23 pm November, 9 hermit said...

Travis’ work is never done.

4:27 pm November, 9 Face Ripper Monkey said...

@ ND, it’s just a fucking award that WLB made up himself. Kind of like Kwanza; of no real use or value. No one will miss the award or him. Trust me. “No offense DH.” DH?

5:05 pm November, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

@FRM, It’s a category now, so if he doesn’t present it then you have to. As they say, rules is rules. Don’t ruin this years Douchies for me. And I can’t do it on account of my PTSD dreams about 4-Prong. The original Quartasian Tranny.

6:00 pm November, 9 Ernest Hemmingdouche said...

Nancy, I had 4 wives and it would have been 5 if my first love had not torn my heart from my breast. I will tell you plainly that no woman can cup your balls with the same warmth as another man, and the only woman who has ever been true to me is my beloved Cuban cigar roller, Consuela.
- Ernest Hemmingdouche

6:13 pm November, 9 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

I’ve always thought Brett Ratner was a dick. There have been multiple reasons why, but I won’t get into that now. I heard the Stern interview and yes, he still struck me as a dick, but he did say something that amazed me… apparently he claims he’s never had a drink or a drug in his life. That mystifies me to no end as I’ve always thought he looked like a bloated, drunken coke fiend.

6:42 pm November, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Ernest, maybe after the 2nd wife you shoulda just tried dudes.

9:20 pm November, 9 Nostradouchus said...

How does this man not have chest pubes? How?

9:34 pm November, 9 Sir David Douchenborough said...

To quote a very dandy fag, Stephen Fry, “offense is nothing more than a whine…it has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has not reason to be respected. Well, you are offended, well so fucking what?”
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Having only heard of Ratner in passing and given the revelations I see here, I cannot say I am terribly surprised. For a director, it is quite telling of his creative abilities that his imagination and use of words don’t seem to elevate beyond those a prepubescent, irate gamer (which may explain some of his movies).
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Though, in my long séjour, the little local ankle biters were raving about this group called “LMFAO.” Upon examination, I believe there is a 35-year-old who pretends he is 20 and has foisted upon the world the accoutrements that he borrowed when he used to fantasize watching Salt ‘N Pepa videos or Blossom. In any event, I feel compelled to put him into the Pantheon of Mockery. I mean, what is worse then hallowed spectacle is thin-veiled, recycled spectacle.

9:43 pm November, 9 Sir David Douchenborough said...

On second reflection, let me correct that to *when he used to fantasize watching Jem

5:03 am November, 10 Douchble Helix said...

Eddie Murphy just stepped down as host.
I guess no one at the Academy ever saw Murphy’s “Raw” or “Delirious”.
“Hey, Norton!”

10:03 am November, 10 DarkSock said...

I peed in a horse once.

12:16 pm November, 10 smackdouche said...

@doucheywallnuts
I’d be interested to see Ratner direct Shatner and Stiller.

12:36 pm November, 10 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I peed in a fag nigger once.

8:30 pm November, 10 Medusa Oblongata said...

^ And he was really angry.

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