Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Smoot

We’ve inducted The Gator. We’ve inducted Fish Slap. Donkey Douche. And The King.

Now, there is the legend, and former HCwDB of the Year winner: Smoot.

We’ve seen Smoot as recently as earlier this year, but his phenomenal run of douchal supremacy was vintage 2009. Like the careers of Sandy Koufax, Orson Welles or Corky from “Life Goes On,” Smoot’s was a career as brilliant as it was short. But Smoot’s reign was fully epic and completely stellar.

And by stellar I mean shoe fung.

Witness the run:

The Smoot Legend begins, followed by
Smoot Voted
Smoot Point
Smoot Operator
Smoot Freakshow
Smoot Sayer
Smoot Voted
Stoic Smoot
Smoot Voted Again
Smoot with The King
Smoot Laughs at Robopud
Smoot Still Says Grooooo
Smoot Wishes You a Contemplative Memorial Day

And, of course, Neandersmoot and The Lumpy Professor Smoot.

That, my friends, is a run of douchery in presence of hot chick worthy of a lifetime achievement award.

The 2011 Irving G. Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award for contributions to the dark douchal arts goes to Smoot.

Now take a scoliosis curved bow, Mr. S, and leave Crystal’s popsicle tongue to me.

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# posted by douchebag1
Links n' stuff:
6:50 am December, 20 Fyodor Dostedouchesky said...

Crystal was one of my all-time favorites. Smoot, on the other hand, sucked.

7:07 am December, 20 Medusa Oblongata said...

Someone needs to put together a sappy montage of all his photos and set it to music. And then we can all applaud as it ends, the house lights come back up, and Smoot comes out to accept his award. Then we pelt him with eggs.

7:18 am December, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Smoot! What more can you say. Unanimous disdain all around I’m sure.
.
I’m also sure that Smoot doesn’t understand fuck all. So this band, the official favorite greatest band of all time on HCwDB will mindfuck him with some bizarre prog rock for 9:41 of of musical mystery and mastery. No keytars.
.
Ladies and Gentlemen. Please welcome to the Montreal Forum the Necromancers, the Tom Sawyer’s, Canada’s ying to Nicklebacks’s wang. The destroyers of young minds and lighters of a million doobies. RUSH playing Xanadu. Figure that one out Smoot you fedora wearing wangster. Wangster?
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTD1QW3SM60

7:20 am December, 20 FoghornLeghorn said...

An epic run and a well deserved award. Martha Stewart and I plan to toast Smoot with eggnog laced with an extra shot of bourbon this Christmas, and wish him much success grinding against the hotts in the New Year.
.
Best wishes to all of you, too.

7:25 am December, 20 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Yep he is a good choice….he earned it the old fashioned way, buy douching it up month after month on these pages. Well done!

7:40 am December, 20 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Smoot says “Groooo?!” Makes you wonder what he’s doing these days, doesn’t it? Someone in the greater Chicago area, take a drive by the carwash at 57th and Lincoln and see if Smoot’s still working the towel dry station. Yeah, I know, its winter, but dude’s still got 20 monthly payments to go on that wicked sleeve.

7:47 am December, 20 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Celebrate his legacy now, because who knows how long before he is human soup in some nameless Thai sauna with his underwear around his ankles and a half dozen lady boys running around in circles screeching.
.
I’d like to call everyone’s attention to exhibit ‘a’: The Lumpy Professor. Wonder why he’s got such dainty wrists at the end of the cromag arms? Roids, baby, and working the beach muscles in lieu of anything else. The last time we saw a bovine walk upright this well, he was at the center of a maze in Knossos.

7:58 am December, 20 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

While I do enjoy the Douchies I do find the holidays somewhat depressing. Placing all that is but the highest level of douche into the still of our conscious mock and boiling it to a concentrated, pure form creates a nectar that with one drop sends me into a momentary euphoria followed by stupor so deep I cannot fathom the bottom. Has this year’s mock been without impact on the docuhebags which drag us down? Have we not yet turned the tide on this virus that infects this land? Will there soon be a time when our educational systems will indoctrinate the youth with Ed Hardy uniforms, strange hand gestures, and oddly titled heard wear? Does DB1 perpetuate all that is Douche so that he can continue his hugely successful media onslaught(Internet, print and television) so that he might bed the hottest of the hot and properly fund their offsprings’ college fund? With a gallon of Egg Nog, and handful of Sinequan, and two dozen Vanillekipferl I resolve to fight the good fight in 2012-as our work is not yet done.

8:08 am December, 20 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Theonetruedouche,
No, we haven’t decreased douchitude one bit. It’s picked up momentum as American’t races toward pure and unadulterated idiocracy. When the doucheo-industrial complex takes over, and the G-Star wearing stormtroopers throw me up against the wall, I will be proud to have been one of the voices crying out from the darkness for the light. Right before they blow my head off, embalm me with Axe body spray, dress my corpse in Christian Audiger and prop me up in a chaise by the pool at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas.

8:18 am December, 20 army (ret) douche said...

looking at that last pic did smoot become peter pumpinhead? it seems like middle ground to me…

8:19 am December, 20 Hurl Scheibe said...

Smoot. It rhymes with poot.

And the greatness of Fish Slap is that there’s a move named after him in the adult entertainment industry. As when the male pulls out and whaps the female’s vagina before reinsertion. – The Fish Slap.

8:26 am December, 20 Wedgie said...

Longevity is the benchmark of greatness. This award is well deserved. He is the Greg Maddux of mandanas. The Professor of Poonery.

8:38 am December, 20 army (ret) douche said...

HJBB&D v. Stacky who has the greater way with words?

8:40 am December, 20 Et Tu Douche? said...

I’m just noticing this now, seems Smoot has a go to signature pose when a camera enters his orbit. Notice the lean/tilt he exhibits. It’s not original but for him I guess it is. He is worthy and he sucks alpaca fecal matter.

8:54 am December, 20 jonezy said...

I know Vin likes his weather ladies with more revealing cleavage and Latin blood, but still an enjoyable way to get the mercury rising in my loins

8:55 am December, 20 Mr. Biggs said...

All Hail the Smoot.
Now excuse me while I go take a dump.

9:25 am December, 20 Ted Brogan said...

I wonder if a corrective neck brace can straighten his spine.

9:29 am December, 20 Nancy Dreuche said...

Damn Smoots hot is hot. Cept for the barbwire tatt and the fact she’s hanging with Smoot. Which one of ye will save her? Which one of ye will jack it to her boobs from afar? Which one of ye will grow a pair and ask me to the Winter Ball already? I’m an Octoasian. I just checked.
.
Oh yeah great run Smoot. Groo and what not.

9:34 am December, 20 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Long overdue. His contributions to this site are legendary. I love how he gets more inflated in each pic. Documents his progression of steriod / hgh abuse.

9:37 am December, 20 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Have to see he gots it all…Mandana, douche (aka Bing Crosby, aka Hipster) hat, wristdana, leather/bead dana, even some kind of ‘dana on the hat (it seems), douche ear lobe plugs, tiny chin fung, FU smirk, too cool for school hand in the pocket of his too tight jeans. Like Hitler before the invasion of the USSR…only Hitler was clean out of mandanas at the time….

9:42 am December, 20 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Nance,
Yeah, she is hott. But you know the rules: if you get pulled into douche orbit and are captured enjoying it on camera, safe to assume you are a douche nozzle.
.
Congrats on being octoasian. You must be pretty good at math?

9:49 am December, 20 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

The Smoot will not be denied!
.
.
.Like they say on ESPN: You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him.
.
.
.
And by “contain” they mean his head in the nearest trash container.
.
.
.One wonders if, like Lucille Ball, he’ll hang onto this award for dear life, continuing to flash (her gams/his aging guns) far into the future, when his smirk and cultural relevance have gone the way of the Peloponnesean Empire.
.
.
.Hectors

10:02 am December, 20 Vin Douchal said...

@ Jonezy
.
Stephanie Abrams needs a good pounding, from behind, while pulling her hair and saying things that would make Carl Spackler blush.
.
Vera Jimenez, on the other hand, needs the sweet sweet love machine that is the Douchal . Film at 11…..

10:32 am December, 20 Baron Von Goolo said...

“When he opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, “Come!” And I looked, and behold, a doggy ‘bagging! And its rider’s name was Smoot, and Herpes followed him. And they were given authority over a fourth of Rehab, to kill your credit rating with AXE and with shrimp and with bottle service and by wild beasts of the earth rendered in colorful plastic to hang off the lip of your vacant skank’s fruity drink.”
.
These are dark times, my comrades. Make no mistake.

10:44 am December, 20 Edith Anne Tarbox of Dripping Springs Tx said...

i think we need a meeting of all living thallbag laureates. to have such esteemed douche together could perhaps draw the grieco virus towards a singular point of concentration, which in and of itself would draw the grieco virus towards its greatest singular concentration in the galaxy, compelling bro and bleeth to track there.

they won’t know why they are going, but they will know they have to be there, such is the grieco virus.

perhaps the virus will, once the momentum of concentration reaches its event horizon, begin to atrophy in a failed attempt to concentrate further.

might i suggest a denny’s parking lot?

10:47 am December, 20 tall guy said...

Dedication is the real winner here. By which I mean Douchincation. Smoot’s constancy eclipses all but the truly great. A more deserving Douchy I’ve not seen doled out. Go forth and multiply, Smoot.

11:04 am December, 20 Hurl Scheibe said...

Vera Jimenez makes my Chihuhua say AYE!!

11:15 am December, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The Baron knows the forces to come. His words are a Revelation. And by Revelation I mean 13:18 where God has conveyed his word that “His number is his name. The number of the Beast for it is the name of man. The name of Smoot. His number is 666.” Paraphrased from a heap of bibles and shit.
.
Ladies and Gentlemen and Demons please welcome to the stage of Satan in Gothenberg, Sweden. The powers of evil, the torturous five, those who know the number of the Beast….Iron Maiden.
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eML6X8VfAfY&feature=related

12:55 pm December, 20 Douchble Helix said...

Not so fast, Rev Chad. No mention of “Xanadu” is complete without acknowledging the genius behind the music:
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7m1UWSD-FaA

12:56 pm December, 20 Douchble Helix said...

Or maybe this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4siEWXsZBHM

1:46 pm December, 20 DarkSock said...

Smoot should be given a permanent Dutch Angle surgically to accompany this hallowed award.
dutch
Crystal should give me a 48-minute Dutch Rudder and a moist towel.
rwe

2:02 pm December, 20 Wheezer said...

I guess Stackhouse wins the Thallbag in 2012? That would be right around the time the Mayans’ calendar runs out…..
.
(cue creepy music…..basically, Nickelback or Twitney Spheres)

2:12 pm December, 20 douche equis said...

This is an incredibly appropriate award. Smoot is the douche’s douche.
.
How do I say this? . . . at the risk of sullying my baghunting credentials, I don’t actually hate Smoot. I don’t feel the desire to smash a trashcan over his head. I don’t feel ready to vomit after exposure to him. He does not make me question the future of mankind.
.
No . . . when all’s said and done, I think I just find him funny. I find his affected style funny. I find the fact that he makes such an effort to affect the style funny. And funny is a much more, erm, binding emotion than the one that makes you want to bring a cinder block down on someone’s head at high speed.
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Plus he pulls some excellent tail.
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Smoot, well done. You are my favorite douche of all time (leaving, I might add, pretenders like Joey Lumpcrustowitz in the shade), and this award is a well-deserved one. Congratulations Smoot! All hail Smoot!

3:29 pm December, 20 eyedouche said...

Carnac the Magnificent sees Gynochin the Magnificent in the future for the Thallbag award…

7:08 pm December, 20 SMOOT said...

GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

SMOOT VICTORIOUS LIKE TATTOO

7:42 pm December, 20 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Smootsie, that so cool you learned how to use your opposable thumbs.

7:44 pm December, 20 Nancy Dreuche said...

@McCrudeshoes, I meant to say an eighthtasian, so no, as it turns out I am horrible at maths.

8:57 pm December, 20 SMOOT said...

SMOOT THANK NICE NANCY.

NANCY LIKE SMOOT POEM? GROO AND TATTOO SOUND LIKE, DON’T THEY? SMOOT JUST NOTICE.

9:21 pm December, 20 Nancy Dreuche said...

@SMOOTS! WHY ARE WE YELLING?!! And your poem was very poetic. Have you met this year’s hot half of the hcwdb couple of the year? Her name is Rhea and me thinks you two would get along quite well. The lights are all on but the hamster is missing from the cage, if you know what I’m saying. Of course you don’t, and that’s why she’s perfect for you. Congrats again on your Lifetime Achievement Award.

10:07 pm December, 20 Whoop-di-douche said...

Smoove move, Smoot. We’re smitten with your smutty brand of douchebaggery. Now SMILE!!!

2:17 am December, 21 CB Popped said...

Dreuche,…wanna go to the Winter Ball with me? Im not as stylish as Smoot, but I get better smoke.

Iron Maiden, nuff said.

Saw them in 1985, Piece of Mind Tour, 2nd row. Derelicts of the day setting off M-80s under people’s seats during The Trooper.

Life has never been the same.

Rush was the best sounding 3 piece band I ever saw live.

8:41 am December, 21 Nancy Dreuche said...

@CB Popped, and you probably have better jokes too. Sure why not, what’s the worse that could happen?

5:43 am December, 22 CB Popped said...

Sounds like a plan – We will pop some bootleg Chinese tranquilizers in the land that worships excess….Ill pick you up in a 1985 silver Toyota Celica with a case of Schaefer beer.

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