Tuesday, January 31, 2012

    Tiny Dancer Maria Continues to Make Poor Life Choices

    TDM Boobs are to Overchoads as:

    A. Blue Light is to mosquitoes

    B. HoHos are to the DB1

    C. dark matter is to the red shift

    D. All of the above

    E. Boobs

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 31, 2012

    One Word Tuesday

    Skidmark.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 31, 2012

    No More Friday Haiku

    Haiku Guy from the most recent Friday Haiku writes in with a correctly worded and impressively well written (compared to the usual stuff) takedown request, and so I respek:

    ————
    Mr. Louis,

    Please remove my photo and my name from this page immediately:

    I’d also like to know who “Lo” is, in that this person felt the need to post my full legal name on your site (not sure why having a uniquely spelled name makes me a douche either? In fact I’ve never received anything but compliments. I guess my parents were more creative than “Lo’s” were). If they are someone I know, I’ll be quick to distance myself from them.

    Clearly this mole had no respect for me when they decided to make it personal by associating my name to that picture. But your whole posting system is based upon being a coward it seems since anyone can post without joining and providing traceable information such as real name or email address… nice.
    ————

    No moles allowed to participate in the Mock. For they will rue the day.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 31, 2012

    Brobot

    The Three Laws of Brobotics:

    1. A brobot may not not hit on a hottie or, through inaction, allow a hottie to remain unhit upon.

    2. A brobot must obey the orders given by the D.J. to either raise their hands in the air like they just don’t care, or act as if the roof, the roof, the roof, is on fire, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

    3. A brobot must protect its own doucheyness as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 31, 2012

    A Whole Lotta Shite

    Someone please flush.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 30, 2012

    Tool Who Points

    Confucious Say:

    Tool who points soon become Tool Who Grabs.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 30, 2012

    F#ckuhaterz responds to HCwDB


    Musical afficianado F#ckuhaterz responded to yesterday’s critique of the melodic efforts of American Scrotelick in the comments threads with the following:

    —–
    Anyone who hates on this is a jealous idiot who probably f#cks his hand every night to the picture of his 300 pound grandmother! Expression of music is an art form it doesn’t matter who or what Is involved its about doing what you enjoy most! And none of you fags could probably EVER get a girl of that kind to even acknowledge your existence!!!!!!! So bathe in your bath of haterism and misery and try drinking some actright!!!!!
    ——–

    Mmm… actright. It’s like Haterade. Only with more hegemony obeisance.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 30, 2012

    Gus and Bud Voted in the HCwDB of the Month


    Sports fans and crypto-gay rodeo clowns Gus and Bud brought Bikini Veronica and Besty Kelly to the party, and voted in the HCwDB of the Month.

    Granted, they voted for prunes. But digestion is hard after eating too many Malomars.

    Have you voted yet?

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 30, 2012

    HCwDB of the Month

    What a horrible month for douchelips. Three of our four douche finalists are ducking it up. But at least there’s boobies.

    Here’s your contenders:

    HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Andy Swirlwind and Freida Garcia

    Our first HCwDB pairing of 2012, this rank and festering piddle paddle makes genital warts seem like anal warts.

    I have no idea what that means, and yet somehow it is so apropos.

    Apropos of what?

    Apropos of nothing.

    Hey, are apricots apropos of anything?

    Okay, I’m getting giddy. Must be Freida’s tasty secretarial skills.

    And by secretarial skills, I mean rump curve.

    Seriously, has any pic in the history of HCwDB done more with less pear reveal than than hiney slope?

    HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Grover McPocalypse and Sarah Lawrence Sarah

    Between this hippie herspter tomfoolery, and Grover’s second pic choke-throttling Heather, this is a douche well worth mocking.

    Not to mention we haven’t had many of the late 1990s ultimate frisbee playing “Presidents of the United States of America” playing wankfests like Grover here.

    No, I don’t love Wilco. Stop asking.

    But can Sarah hold up her side of the HCwDB equation?

    Is the hott side hott enough to win the Monthly?

    HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Tony the Curdle and Butt Pooch Adriana

    Adriana is all that is accented in Lisbon.

    She makes tea kettles toot and Persian tree frogs pee on a eucalyptus leaf.

    For that, I thank her for her time, and whimper softly back at the bar.

    Tony the Curdle is classic pre-Jersey-Shore purity of douchewank. The kind we used to mock around here way back in 2009. When they weren’t yet “ironic” and playful, and still took their “game” seriously.

    For that, we must give him proper societal scorn.

    This is a potent and sneaky douchal/hottie combo.

    But there’s one more to go:

    HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Blender Barry and Boobster Connie

    Perhaps a bit “Dress-up HCwDB”, but for sheer boobal reveal and chaotic stripper/librarian confusion for Connie, this is a prime mockfest.

    Blender Barry likes to Shakeweight in his off hours.

    He’s thinking of upgrading from eHarmony to Christian Mingle. For the lips aren’t getting him very far in life. But that’s no excuse.

    So we mock.

    Now it’s up to you.

    Which of these four couplings is enough to win the first Monthly of 2012?

    If ya don’t vote, then there ain’t mo point in voting. So bring it, while I enjoy some tasty Frosted Flakes.

    Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Sunday, January 29, 2012

    American Scrotelick

    An excerpt from Bret Easton Ellis’s latest novella, “American Scrotelick.”

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    # posted by douchebag1
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