Saturday, March 31, 2012

    Comment of the Week: Jacques Doucheteau


    J.D. riffs on bosoms and wins the coveted HCwDB of the Week:

    ———-
    Those invitingly sagging malted milk sacks remind me of my 4-H days, squeezing the teats on overinflated udders of 30+ head of cattle twice a day. I got pretty good with my aim too, able to hose down most anything within 6 ft and a 180 degree radius with any one of them four teats.

    At youth fair time I’d be squeezing away until a small crowd of urban gawkers would gather “see where milk comes from”, hyuk, hyuk. When their incessant chattering and stupid questions like “does that hurt the poor cow?” became to much to bear, with a quick movement of my pinky finger I’d flip a teat up to horizontal faster than the eye could see, and send a stream of warm unhomogenized up some sap’s nose. I’d apologize profusely and claim that “these heifers udders are all full o’ holes from when we castrate them. In fact, we got some oyster chopping going on here in a few minutes. Y’all wanna stick around and see where yer McDonald’s cheeseburgers come from?” At which point they would quickly disband, much to my relief.

    Now you’re probably thinking, what other kinds of fun did you have with cows all alone in the country as a sexually charged youth? Well it’s not what you think. I most certainly did NOT bottle feed calves and then quickly swap out the rubber nipple with my d@#k and latter regret that decision when they started teething in early summer.

    Not even once.
    ————

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, March 30, 2012

    Friday Thoughts in Links

    Thought I might retire the site when it turned six, but I’m still a’goin’. Can’t let up… so many ‘bags out there… must keep mocking…

    Can’t take me down, ‘bags of the world!! I’m still here to mock you, and oggle your hotts!! So long as you’re Bodyspraying and bad-tatting and stupid-shirting, I’ll be here. To mock your sorry ass. And Pear.

    Here’s your links:

    Your HCwDB double-pack DVD Pick of the Week: “It appears as though you forgot our French fries and a coke, fishhead.”

    The Bleething of England: Real Life Barbies

    Remember craptastic website “The Dirty,” which began as a cheap HCwDB ripoff called “Dirty Scottsdale” back in late 2006? Back then, lead doucheblogger “Nik Richie” used to email me begging to link to his site. Now he’s engaged in lawsuits with lunatic cheerleaders. Don’t worry “Nik,” it’ll all pay off sooner or later. And by pay off, I mean not pay off.

    In a new movie directed by Harmony Korine, James Franco plays HCwDB Whitetrashbag “Riff Raff.”

    Signs Douchebaggery is entering new mutant variations in 2012: Nokia Patents a Vibrating Tattoo

    Nodal douchesuck and the original “Von Douche,” Tommy Something-or-Other sells his Beverly Hills Mansion.

    Herpster eyewear now a legal strategy.

    My contribution to the decline of western civilization takes on generational impact.

    File under “Drakkar Noir:” Bag Odor makes TSA Workers Sick

    World Bank nominee Jim Yong Kim rocks out, Dartmouth Style. Kinda awesome.

    Speaking of Asian people, Chinese Gangster’s Cell-Phone Pics Go Viral. And by viral, I mean the Asian Bird Poo.

    But you are not here for Asian Bird Poo. You are here for Pear:

    White Trash Pear

    More than a touch Bleethy, but still uberchomp suckle spackle slap poochable.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, March 30, 2012

    The Vodkachoad


    In Russia, douche ‘bag you!

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, March 30, 2012

    Friday Haiku

    Mad scientist’s lab,
    Crimes against humanity;
    Douche clones rock sweet chaps…

    Doublemint gum gig
    Ends for Rainbow Douche Quartet
    Can Schnapps now sponsor?

    – Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt


    Chance of twins is low.
    Chance of finding those clothes twice
    Mission Indouchable.

    – The Reverend Chad Kroeger

    Hi, Americans!
    We are shagging well these, eh?
    You are jealous of.

    – saulgoode42

    This pic is either:
    World’s ugliest quadruplets,
    or four ugly dudes.

    – hermit

    Douchebag petri dish
    Geddy Lee sample mixed in
    Fertilized goat goo

    – Vin Douchal

    John Daly called. He
    wants to know if he can buy
    His pants back from them.

    – The Dude

    A midget sandwich
    Is always unappealing
    Even with bleeth bread

    – Doucheywallnuts

    do I see double?
    perhaps I folded paper
    before wiping ass

    – creature

    Lithuanian
    Hair band can still pull groupies
    And steal their chokers

    – Choad the Douche Sprocket

    Doctor Mengele
    Tried his best and succeeded
    Says now, “I’m Sorry!”**

    – Doucheywallnuts

    Can’t decide what’s worse
    Casino carpet clothing
    Or R.E.O. hair dos

    – Mr. Scrotato Head

    ** “sorry”, he says

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    # posted by DarkSock
    Thursday, March 29, 2012

    HCwDB Turns 6!


    Six in internet years is like a hundred and thirty in human years, and seven hundred and twelve in Lohan years.

    Kinda makes me wonder what old friend The Gator is up to these days.

    C’mon Gator, lets celebrate!

    It’s just special to me that some of you still enjoy checking in on my daily douche mockings and hottie lustings. This site has dominated my life over the past six years. It’s brought me incredible joy, some cash, a book deal, a TV show that ran three seasons, a screenplay sale, and a whole new career I never saw coming. It’s introduced me to funny and sick readers around the world. At times it’s had some incredible stress too, but it has changed my life in was I never could’ve forseen when I registered it as a free blogspot blog one bored day at work lo those six years ago.

    I’ll keep it going for as long as I can. Who know where that’ll lead.

    Onward and upward.

    And may you all enjoy tasty snack treats and alcoholism as much as I have these past six years.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, March 28, 2012

    Breaking: April 2011 Playboy Playmate and All Natural Semitic Hottie Jaclyn Swedberg is Hott, Dates Douchebags

    Not-so-famous Playboy model and potentially Semitic hottie, Jaclyn Swedberg, dates the douches.

    Or perhaps that’s not breaking news at all.

    Nor is it when Jaclyn Swedberg shames the Torah.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, March 28, 2012

    Reader Mail: Unclear on the Concept

    ——————
    Bob Banks gregsteve505@gmail.com
    Mar 26 (2 days ago)

    to: douchebag1

    Good Day,

    Am Bob i would to know whether you carry ( Bag Chairs ) in stock for sale if you do so email me with the price ranges on that so that i will know the one to offer and also i want to know if you accept
    credit card as form of payment. Awaiting for your prompt reply.

    Mr. Bob Banks
    —————

    Do I carry ( Bag Chairs ) in stock?

    Perhaps I do, Mr. Am Bob Banks.

    Perhaps I do.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, March 28, 2012

    Vinnie Doublepump Finds Brunettes on the Dance Floor

    Vinnie Doublepump may be vying for the “Most Unworthy Nineteen Year Old of 2012″ award at the 2012 Douchie Awards.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, March 27, 2012

    Enrique Celebrates his Trust Fund

    Doucheface, transparent shirt and red hat is no way to go through life son.

    Paid-to-Pose Kathy has the soft tummy of gummi-bear tranquility. I would dance on marshmallow clouds dressed only in a mu-mu and a face burka just for the chance to pooch spackle her grandmother’s doilies.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, March 27, 2012

    Vinnie Doublepump

    Vinnie Doublepump occupies that abhorrent location in the mating game in which Barely Legal Kelly is:

    1) From a small town
    2) Not that intelligent
    3) Too young to know better

    The result is toxic sludge served in grade school cafeterias.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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