Friday, November 30, 2012

    Friday Thoughts and Links

    When a scarfed-up Mongor dates the hotter younger sister of that chick who had the babies with Paul Thomas Anderson, then it is on. So on.

    So, uhm, yeah. The 2012 Douchie Awards. I’mma guess they start on December 7th. Which means I gots work to do.

    But this awards show be small.

    Drunken.

    With dwindling HoHo supply to sustain.

    Handing out a smaller batch of awards this year, as befits a one-joke blog in its sixth year of existence. But Douchies there shall be!!

    Here’s your links:

    Your HCwDB DVD Hannukah Gift of the Week: “Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.”

    Have years of douche mock influenced hottie natural selection?

    Fan of hot French chicks? Of course you are. Fan of Swedish death metal? HCwDB provides for you.

    Just the other day I was sitting around, munching my dwindling supply of tasty Hostess HoHos, and said to myself, “Self? What would an Egyptian Popeye look like?” And now I know.

    When is a Rubik’s Cube not a Rubik’s Cube? When it’s yo’ momma.

    If you haven’t seen this yet, enjoy the greatest prank ever played. Well, other than this one.

    But you are not here for internet memes and illustration art. You are here for Pear. Enjoy:

    Real World Text Pear

    For the organic pear that grows in the wild is always the choicest. More? Okay:

    Bed Pear

    Sort of the karmic inversion of the bed pan. Unless you pee in it.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, November 30, 2012

    Friday Haiku

    Gabe’s O.C.D. rages;
    Must…Pop…Balloons…*CAN’T RESIST*
    Silicone drowns Gabe.

    Sweet face and cute tits
    Contrast arm and thigh tattoos
    And fat f*ck douchebag

    – DoucheyWallnuts

    Another douchebag
    In way over his pay grade
    Jergens at home

    Mystery hand in
    The background making the L
    Gesture says it all!

    – Capt. James T. Douche

     

     

    This twinkie’s filling
    supports a shelf that has an put
    infinite shelf life.

    – Charles Douchewin

    Gabe’s forced grin reveals
    No love for the funbags. Crows
    “ANY-COCK’L-DOO!!!”

    – Mr. Scrotato Head

    He’s been a sad clown
    Since the gyroscope was put
    In her monkey hole.

    – The Reverend Chad Kroeger

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    # posted by DarkSock
    Thursday, November 29, 2012

    Justin Bieber’s Douchier Twin Gets Lucky With his Friend’s Hot Mom

    File this one under lazy comedy headlines. I’m gettin’ a doughnut.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, November 29, 2012

    According to Lorraine, Melvin Is Not Actually a Very Serious Pimp

    According to Melvin, Melvin’s iTunes mix channel is like totally gonna blow up mad serious yo and you just wait.

    According to the DB1, Lorraine’s belly requires immediate pooch spackle.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, November 29, 2012

    Asshole McAssholewitz Wastes Oxygen, Hits on Karyn

    Mark today the real day the music died.

    Douche lobes for the social loss.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, November 28, 2012

    Morty Largeman Wishes He Didn’t Bring Manuel to the Party

    Now Manuel is all over his longtime secret crush from accounting, Claire.

    Morty can only sigh. And consider shaving his beard.

    Claire has the elfin looks and alabaster skin of the lost Henry James novel, “Fondling of the Upper Class.”

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, November 28, 2012

    Stupid T-Shirts Fail to Amuse

    There is one, and only one, slogan t-shirt to rule them all and it is thus.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, November 28, 2012

    When All the Single Ladies Make the Bleeth Face…

    …the Baby Tebus drops trou and projectile sharts on the Mona Lisa.

    Yeah, lookin’ at you, acclaimed author Michael Chabon. Top that literary sentence. Didn’t think so. Bitch.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, November 28, 2012

    The Scourge of Affliction

    Sure they’ve gone from selling for $149 in boutique stores with obnoxious names like “Pure” and “Zigg” to “Two for $14.99″ at Ross-Dress-for-Less, but Affliction still plagues our culture like a rain of tree frog pestilence.

    On Fratboy Ralph and his Drunk Sidebro Syd, the pestilence remains smelly poo.

    Mmmm… Kelly’s vibrant and healthy projectorial mamm pillows beckon for sleep and applause.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, November 27, 2012

    Chipmonky Cutie Gayle Wanders into a Meatpack

    Never wander into a Meatpack without protection, Gayle. Did you learn nothing from that backpacking trip through Dusseldorf?

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    # posted by douchebag1
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