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Droopy McScrote Seeks Woman to Bow Down to Him
From last month’s Monthly winner, Droopy’s actual Craigslist personals post:
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So basically I’m an amazing person that people love to hate because I’m so fly. So I’m about having a good time with my people. I love to party VIP for everything. I love to be the center of attention. So I’m looking for a woman that bows down to me and loves to wait on her man hand and foot. I consider myself a made man in my life. My hero is K-Fed that is a made man in you truly consider it. He got at the time a certified dime then had a woman on the side then got married and now has three kids by two women. All I can say is that fool is a pimp. So if you want to roll in style and be VIP to everything then feel free to hit me up…
Please enclose a picture to see if you get my stamp of approval
Thank You
(Droopy)
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On this, the day of the August HCwDB of the Month, it is important to appreciate when we’re in the presence of true douche greatness.
And by greatness, I mean droopy poo and Surfer Kelly hott.
HCwDB of the Month: Droopy McScrote
While A.D: Artificial Douchetelligence put up a valliant robotic fight, and by fight I mean Cheetos Orange Residue, Droop and Surfer Kelly were far too strong a commingling to overcome, dominating in their landslide victory.
The everpresent anonymous makes the case:
While the dual belted A.D. makes me wish a pandemic outbreak of necrotizing fasciitis upon Jersey, it’s gotta be Droopy Droops for the month.
When Obama speaks of hope we can believe in, he’s speaking of Kelly here. I would pleasure her ten ways from Tuesday and then read her Goodnight Moon.
Word to your blubber Droops, keep living the dream…
Word to his blubber, indeed, Anon. The douchezetta stone agrees:
Although A.D. makes me want to vomit my Froot Loops onto my keyboard, it has to be Droopy FTW. On a hot scale, Kelly is the surface of the sun..while the Droopmiester is 0 degrees Kelvin… absolute ZERO. I would consider extreme forms of violence to pull surfer Kelly away from the Manticore-like monstrosity that is Droopy. Put a shirt on, Droopy.
But the lack of shirt is what renders Droopy’s delusions of grandblub so profoundly scrotal. As robert muldouche explains:
The Droop. He’s douching it up more than anyone else, his hott is hotter, and the contrast between his belly and hers is a marvel of the modern world.
But dr. engine disagrees, reminding us to consider alien warlords with tricked-out laser sighting:
Can’t give it to Droop. Amidsts a sea of washboard abs and Lasik Eye Surgery, he has boldy belly-flopped from the dock and caused a massive splash that surely soaked the scrotes around him. For this, I tip my Astros cap. And by that I mean Yankees cap, and say ‘good on ya.’ You can see the pain behind his gangsta signs, knowing surfer Kelly is waiting for her real douchebag to pick her up after his bouncing shift at Neptunes lets out. I prefer to give it to an oppontent who has all the chance in the world to score…who looks in the mirror and sees nothing wrong. Predator FTW!
But what of A.D.? Will this robotic douche machine from the future return for a special award at the 2008 Douchies? It’s possible. As aaronrear explains:
I’d say the Tangerine Twit, A.D., has nailed the essence of douche. He’s orange, he’s pouting, he’s wearing the strangest collection of unnecessary straps and studs and layers, and he sports the douche trademark shirt lift.
All I want to know is what the owner of the hand on the right side of the frame is saying…”Look at that scrote!”
Yes, A.R. Were he only to corral a hot like Surfer Kelly, he would’ve taken Droopy easily. But methinks we will see A.D. again.
However this is Droopy and Kelly’s moment of transcendent spitwater scrotosity. poop douchey douche makes the case:
Simply for the fact that Surfer Kelly makes my testes boil in a way no woman has since my third grade teacher let me lay under her desk for “reading time”, (Foot sniffing time)I vote Droopy FTW.
And the religiously inspired anonymous 3:16:
For me, AD and Droops are clearly the breakaways that the peloton of run-of-the-mill DB’s will never catch. But with 20 km to go, droop rides to a clear victory, leaving AD to only wallow in his pool of orange dye contemplating which Axe to spray and how to get hott’s like Surfer Kelly – perhaps a steady diet of White Castles and Cheetos…
Droops and Kelly FTW!
And steve zodiac takes it home:
For Droopy McScrote is the essence of this website: the difference between him and Surfer Kelly is like Night and Day, Acid and Base, the Pillar of Judgment and the Pillar of Mercy, all that is good and scrumptuous, and all that is vile, bitter, and pathetic. Here – BEHOLD! The failure of civilisation itself in one photograph of an overweight douchebag and a taut tummied hott with Big Fake Boobs.
Go home and cry.
As we shall. Chalk up a spot for Droopy and Surfer Kelly in the Finals at the Douchie Awards in December. They’ve earned it.
And by earned it, I mean stretch.
HCwDB of the Week: Droopy McScrote
From the moment this unholy mix of sagg and curve appeared on the site, readers knew they were seeing a Weekly Winner in action. As the everpresent anonymous explains it:
Droopy McScrote ftw, for keepin’ it real, AARP style. You just know he spent hours matching up his jewelry for maximum ‘bling’ effect, and that his undies say ‘love machine’ across the back.
But mostly its Surfer Kelly, ffs what a HOTT!! I’ve already written a 400-page cookbook, all of which involve her panties.
I believe I saw that Twilight Zone episode in which the cookbook really involves panties, anon. douchetoevsky elaborates further:
#1. Droopy. Just look at him. Soak it in. He is as magnificent a specimen of hot douche-mess as you will every witness. The longer you stare at his scroteal glory, the more you comprehend his complete douchial magnificence. He needs to be captured, isolated and studied for scientific research. Surfer Kelly needs to have her holographic panties spanked off her taught, tan, buttocks with a rubber spatula.
Well said, V.D. ‘bag lanta is even more succinct, and by succinct I mean boobies:
Droopy FTW. There is just so much wrongness in the photo, and so much hottness with Surfer Kelly, that I see no other choice.
And el duderino:
My vote is for Droopy. She is everything that is sweet and succulent in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. I’d drown myself in chocolate just to get the golden ticket to lick her snozzberries.As for droopy….top of the muffin…TO YOU!
Heh. Top of the muffin indeed.
But lets not forget Gunter and Klaus. ColinSm makes the case:
But G&K bring the PAIN…they are pros. On a pure “points” bases (a little orange, hand gesture, d-face, sunglasses worn indoors) they don’t measure up to the douche lexicon that is the Droop…but they are scrotes to the depth of their…I was gonna say “souls” but that can’t be right…Anyway, they elicit the rage before the ridicule and that’s true choaditudity.
And matt reminds us not to forget the horrid inspiditude of all that is the Preppiebags:
I have to vote for Preppiebags cos anyone who wears their sunglasses on croakies makes me feel stabby.
Indeed, matt. Preppiebags are toxic and we should not forget to pass some mock their way. But as sir douchey explains, this was Droopy’s day to sagg in a landslide:
Droopy McScrote gets my vote. I’m transfixed by the ass that is apparently growing out of his lower back. Two assholes = huge douche.
And she is delicious.
Yes. Yes she is. phlerbert continues:
Droopy for the weekly, the monthly, and damn if I don’t wanna pencil him in for the yearly. The Hott-Douche Dichotomy can get worse than this, but sadly, I fear that DB1 will prove me wrong.
If this pic featured a red plastic cup, this site would collapse in on itself by the sheer weight of this tableau’s perfection.
A URC would indeed bring calls from the Guggenheim to add Droopy to their permanent collection. And the choaderfield monster takes it home:
Droopy is an all-out assault on everything that is right and good. And somehow Everything That Is Right And Good has deigned to mash boobs with him. Worst of all, his ponderous bulk reminds me of my own flabby self. He is a funhouse mirror of scrote, reflecting a bizarro-self that gives me the shivers. And when a douche inspires rage AND psychological trauma, you know you have a powerful force on your hands. So Droopy McScrote wins my vote.
Well said, C.M. Where else can you find the perfect mix of douchey hand gestures, tatts, rings, bling, cargo pants and stretch marks, commingling with a bouncy Wish They All Could Be California Girl? Only here. At HCwDB.
Where we celebrate the Yin-Yang contradictions of hottie/douchey mixing as the key cultural violation that leads us to enlightenment.
Book a ticket for Droopy and Surfer Kelly in the next Monthly. They will be formidable.
Droopy McScrote
Np amount of tatts, hand gestures, rings, low slung army pants, earrings or hipster glasses will hide the saggy fact of aging poorly as you hit 40, Droopy.
The kids don’t think you’re like that “cool uncle” they always wanted. They just think you’re gross.
And no, Surfer Kelly is not into you.
She’s just being polite.
HCwDB of the Year
It is on. Here are your finalists for The HCwDB of the Year Douchie Award for 2008:
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: Droopy McScrote and Surfer Kelly
Gangsta Droopage and Toned Surf Hott for the win in the semis and the first slot in our Final.
Taking down vaunted Fratbag Tighty Armani as well as poseur jerkoff Acey Douchey, the sag of the Droopster and the perfection of Surfer Kelly’s toned abs were too powerful a dialectic to ignore. Doctor Douchelittle explains:
Droopy/Surfer Kelly FTW.
This bracket is practically a bye for the mammoth car smash that is the Droopster. The most extreme contrast between douche and hott ever seen.
I’d spend several hours discussing the relative merits of Tupac and Vanilla Ice with Droopy just to smell the residue of SK’s aroma on his shoulder.
Well said, Doc D. With one single pic, these two could take the prize.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: The Metaphysical Hooligan and Carly Hott
Taking down the mighty Pepsi drinking Bra!! and freakish spectacle of Mooby Dick, the power of wrongness between The Hooligan and Carly was simply too strong. Jed the Avenger explains:
Hooligan for the bracket. I will seriously doubt the douche-recognition skills of everyone if MH isn’t in the top 3 of the year. He makes me want to drop kick kittens.
And, at it’s core on this site, finding that place of rage will lead us to enlightenment, Jed. Mike agrees:
The Metaphysical Hooligan is just too much, and paired up with Carly it is the most serious affront to human dignity.
Indeed. Our second power-couple of Hottie/Douchey wrongness earns its well deserved spot in the Finals. And let us not forget their “body” of work, here and here.
For those who doubt the merits of Carly Hott, those pics should satisfy the requirement.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Deathtongue and Quartasian Mia Sara Hott
Our most “real world” of the finalists, Deathtongue stands in for every slimy choad you knew in college who was pulling hottness way outside of his league simply by being a, well, a huge douche. And don’t forget Pic 2.
I’ve adjusted the contrast slightly to bring up Quartasian Mia Sara Hott’s sparkling eyes and also Deathtongue’s ridiculous blowout hair. Skyler explains the power of this combo:
Deathtongue. You need a hott to balance out the HCWDB. He’s got the hott. He’s got the douche. He’s the real deal.
And Douchewater Blonde explains the reaction that Deathtongue inspires:
Deathtongue! His hott is so totally hott, and DT himself dares, DARES to infect her goodness with his salivary sandpaper. I wanna shake this guy by the tightly held neck until he finally gets it.
He may never get it, D. Blonde.
I don’t need to rehash the rest. This is the Finals. This is it.
You people are prepared. Prepped.
You’ve studied the candidates. Now make your choice. Which coupling most embodies all that this site stands for? Which coupling holds the greatest dichotomy between confused masculinity in the age of spectacle and innocent hott seduced by its wily, scrotey and poo-smelly wrongness?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 2
Here are your nominees in the second semifinals bracket for the 2008 Douchie Award for HCwDB of the Year:
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1 (Bracket 2): The Metaphysical Hooligan and Carly Hott
First appearing on the site back in June, the combination of faux-“rebel” stench on the Hooligan and boobie hottie suckle thigh worthiness of Carly Hott made for an immediate power couple of poo.
The sneer. The shaved patterns. It was a dominant win in their Monthly, and as such, they make a potent combo in the Yearly.
MH and CH so traumatized your humble narrator that I willfully forgot them, giving them new names in their second and third apperances on the site, here and here.
With their second and third pics, The Metaphysical Hooligan and Carly Hott began to take on Porsche and DonkeyDouche-like couples legacy.
Is that vile nip-ring, facial fung and punch-worthy sneer while embracing a sweet skull bikini’d Laura San Giacomo Hott enough to win the Yearly? We shall see.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2 (Bracket 2): Bra!!
Bra!! Broheim!!
Another tasty Pepsi, bro!!
Bra!! is a conundrum. For many ‘bag hunters, Bra!! has crossed over from a clearly mockable frat-douche to a guy who is just so happy, so exuberant, so joyful, that you just want to buy him a Mr. Pibb, rub his hair for good luck, and say, “You go with your bad self, Bra!!”
What happens when a doucherstar crosses over into a form of quasi-likability, or at least non-threatening bemusement? Can he still be mocked?
Witness Bra!!’s progression from tasty cola beverages to the Supreme Court. He first won the Monthly in May, and follow the Bro-gression as he made recurrent appearances on the site, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.
From pooslide to Spring Break, all the way to a Cruise Ship that shares his bicep star-tatt and the doors of The Supreme Court, what to make of Bra!!?
And lets not forget his early Quartasian girlfriend. She is pixie-hott. But are they enough to take the yearly?
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3 (Bracket 2): Mooby Dick
Like Droopy McScrote and Surfer Kelly before them, Mooby Dick and Ambiguous European College Hott have only one singular pic of trauma to appear on the site, but what a pic it was.
Winning a Monthly in early September, we are still recovering from its poo-osity.
Moobs.
Man Boobs.
Orphans in Trinidad are crying themselves to sleep because of the cross-global psychospiritual trauma engendered by all those who have gazed, or will ever gaze, at the Moobs.
Moobs.
Seriously. Moobs.
So them’s your three. Only one may rise to the Finals for HCwDB of the Year.
Will it be the Metaphysical Hooligan and Carly Hott? Or Bra!! and his tasty cola beverages and sorority girls? Or Mooby Dick and Ambiguous Euro College Girl?
That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 1
It is on. The 2008 Douchie Awards begin today.
The moment where you determine the outstanding hottie/douchey pics of the past year. Here’s your finalists for the first Bracket in the HCwDB of the Year Category:
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1 (Bracket #1): Tighty Armani
Way back in early April, the douchey metal chained tight t-shirt smirk-wearing T.A. wormed his way into our collective trauma by headlocking a Doe Blonde of Angelic Hottness.
In addition to the smirking douche-face, T.A. brought the “scissors” hand gesture, and a Toolshed best friend, Bob.
T.A.’s win was not a fluke.
He made numerous other appearances over the year confirming his choadery, as seen here, here, here, here, and here.
T.A. brings that clueless “Bra-esque” fratchoad quality, as well as a tasty blonde hott as counter-balance. His mug is punchworthy, and she is delectable.
A true hottie/douchey coupling worthy of the Finals.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2 (Bracket #1): Droopy McScrote and Surfer Kelly
Unlike T.A.’s body of work, Droopy McScrote has only has a singular body. Of sag. Only one pic on the site. But one is all you need to cause the “Collective Regurg.”
He is all that is creepy, awkward and stretch-marked as guys old enough to know better try to look “gangsta” to hang on to a distant, fading youth. It’s over, Droopy. Over.
With awkward tatts, rings, hand gestures, red underwear and all sorts of indecipherable bling, Droopy was an instant sensation when he first appeared on the site back in July to win a Monthly.
His taint has not subsided.
And what of Surfer Kelly? She of the perfect tanned munchable stomach, perfectly curved arms, delightfully strong legs, and wonderful smile?
She is all that is Healthy in Copenhagen. He is all that is Poo in Peoria.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3 (Bracket #1): Acey Douchey
A fraud?
A fake?
Perhaps.
A douche? Certainly.
The Monthly winner in October, Acey Douchey has engendered significant debate about the potential for fakedouchery to remain legitimate as douchewankery.
Can someone who has gone to this much trouble to look like a choad while mugging two chiquita hotts still qualify as legitimately ass-kick-worthy?
The debate will rage on, but Acey Douchey has made it this far.
And now he’s up for HCwDB of the Year.
Will he win? Is the money + Belvedere + Kissy Lips + Single Glove + Gun(!) be enough to take the whole enchilada? Is sexy/sweet White Bikini Senorita getting paid by the hour to pose with this tool, or is she on a flat rate? We shall see.
So them’s your first bracket. Two more brackets to come to determine the final three. Remember to consider both extreme hottery and rancid douchery in each pic in dialectic, in conversation, before rendering your judgment.
Which of these three deserves to win Bracket 1 and make it as a Finalist in next week’s final HCwDB of the Year vote? That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread. And let the Douchies begin.
Tighty Armani is Amped Up and Armpitty
HCwDB of the Month winner Tighty Armani knows who he’s voting for in the Weekly. Have you voted yet?
Yes, T.A. is ready to mack on some hotties at the 2008 Douchies in December.
But the odds are long. Early oddsmakers have Droopy McScrote at 2:1, with Bra!! at 4:1, Deathtongue at 6:1 and T.A. only at 10:1. One dark horse to split the vote is The Metaphysical Hooligan.
But what about Mooby? Can Man Boobs earn a Douchie? Gabehcuod? Acey Douchey?
And will Samurai Scrote snag one of the final spots?
Yes, I’m hyping the Douchies like a new show on Fox. Because I’m out of Cocoa Puffs and had to eat fruit cocktail for breakfast.
Mooby Dick
It’s 19th Century Herman Melville by way of late 20th Century techno D.J. recording artist Moby, by way of ‘roidy man boobs.
Really nasty Man Boobs. Moobs.
And a cute hair-scrunch brunette fondling them.
I didn’t think there was a way to follow up the Monthly victory for Droopy McScrote. Yet somehow this feels appropriate.
HCwDB of the Month
Here it is, fellow ‘bag hunters. Live from San Francisco. The moment when the four couplings of grease and boobie come together to Bodyspray off for title of HCwDB of the Month and a slot in the Yearly at the 2008 Douchies in December.
Which of these four couplings most personifies all that is wrong in a culture of spectacle gone scrote?
That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to your vote. Here are your four finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Predatorbag
Because I never get tired of shouting Get to the choppa!! and because the 1985 macho classic remains indelibly linked to my childhood, Predatorbag deserves respek.
He is the bastard love child of Ahnold and the Predator. Half human, half four jawed alien Rastah hunter.
Pitch it in 50 words or less, Mr. Silver? He is “World’s Most Dangerous Game” meets “Platoon” meets “Saturday Night Fever”!
If it greases, we can mock it.
She may not rise to a state of pure feminine ivory snow, but she is still soapy. She can offer rays of hope in a dark, thunderous storm.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: A.D. Artificial Douchetelligence
What is a spectacular sample of otherworldly robotic uberscrote is hampered only by a high Bleeth factor on the girls.
While many pics have risen purely on the power of the douchal blight or the sexy hott, it is in the combination, the dialectic, between both that we find enlightement.
That being said, A.D. is so fantastically wrong, is such a perfect embodiment of all that is American Douche, it is hard to deny his uniqueness.
The girls may be 18 and already dropouts from the Long Island Institute for Follicular Studies, but they do have a certain bouncy charm.
But enough to help A.D. take the Monthly?
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Lawnmower Man 
Our third titular reference to a classic sci-fi movie (and I really need to find other genres to crib from), The Lawnmower Man may be the only scrotal contestant on the site to purchase the Weed Wacker instead of the Flowbee.
I would ask Jamba Juice to make me a shot of wheatgrass from that fungus on his head. But it would probably taste like shoe.
However we must deduct points for the potential costumeyness of St. Patrick’s Day. But then we add those points back when we realize Lawnmower Man has a second, even douchier, pic, complete with hott licking.
But enough to take the prize? He has to be ranked as a longshot. But Reese is delightful. Can Lawnmower Man pull a Buster Douglas and take down the favorites? It’s happened before.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Droopy McScrote
The odds-on favorite to take the prize, Droopy and Surfer Kelly were immediate hits when they first appeared on HCwDB.
She, for the toned, taught body and walnut crushing thighs that promised hints of a summer breeze by the shore while lying languidly on a beach towel, followed by nights of spanking your bottom with a extra-long piece of licorice while calling you “Thor the Ass Hunter!”
He, for the stretch marks and aging gangsta choadishness.
This is a mighty couple indeed. But the winner isn’t announced until the votes are counted.
Will the Monthly go to the alien shirtless Predatorbag? Or the robotic A.D. and his double serving of trampy hotts? Will it be the Lawnmower Bag? Or do Droopy McScrote and Surfer Kelly overpower all?
That, fellow hotts, ‘bags, ‘bag hunters and midgets named Pepe, is up to you.
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
