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Monday, June 8, 2009

The Kitchenbag

There are a number of key factors for the Kitchenbag to remember when posing with a barely legal in the kitchen at Dan’s ragin’ kegger.

1. Show no facial expression
2. Make only the most minimal attempt to hold the hott
3. Make sure the pattern on your overpriced douche-shirt perfectly blends into your arm tatts
4. Think about baseball

# posted by douchebag1
Friday, March 9, 2012

Friday Haiku

Jan reached the sink sponge,

When they put the Cuisinart

In her Freezer tray

Human centipede

Created by douche brothers

Largeman calls police

— ehcuodouche


douchebags and bleethskank

attempt the hokey pokey

after huffing glue

— troy tempest

Horrendous douchebags

Can’t quell my massive boner

Sapphic power rules**

— Doucheywallnuts

**rules, he says

What Is love? thinks the

Roxbury twins. Bleeths could care

less as hand starts groping.

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

one out of five youths

overdose on alcohol

one down four to go

— the ‘bag apple

The Bleeths cluster bang

Douches gesture stupidly

Societal loss

— Capt. James T. Douche

# posted by douchebag1
Monday, April 26, 2010

HCwDB of the Week

This week’s selection of buffet-style schroad/hott involves classic douche/boob cohabit. As such, it’s a pretty tough choice. Here’s your noms:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Crayon Gary and Simona

C.G. is a perfect illustration of hottie/douchey dialectics.

As Marx explained in his inversion of Hegelian power structures, class and societal fracture, the circulation of douchebag meaning becomes amplified when in the presence of quality boobie suckle. The tainshmeg can only define itself by that which it shmegs its taint on.

And that tatt, real or not, is uberpud.

I’m working on a theory about the act of body marking, primitivity and the split in the psyche between the real and the virtual causing a need to reinscribe the body through marking.

But that lecture is for another time. Today is the Weekly. And Crayon Gary is punch worthy, while Simona asks me softly and in a lilting voice to massage her thigh muscles with chicken fat and a soft boiled egg.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Flex Luthor and Jennifer

Flex Luthor hatches his grand scheme to capture Boobiewoman!!

Okay, enough with the comic book riff. Cuz I was a Green Arrow fan, myself.

Flex Luthor brings classic roided up Jerzbaggery. And dammit, classic Jerz poo still rankles me, even if in the age of “Jersey Shore” it seems less mockworthy than it once did.

And lets not forget Flex and Jen’s Beefy #2.

Flex and Jen used to be that classic Jerz Douche / Hot Chick combo that fueled the site.

But in an age of ear and chest scarring, giant ear holes and Jed The Creepy Wankscrote, maybe we cannot un-see this next generation of douche.

And Jennifer is delightful purity drinkable leg water.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Melanie and the Suckerfish

Melanie rounds out the third of our three quality of H.C. sides of the hottie/douchey equation with curvy aplomb.

And by curvy aplomb, I mean, well, curvy aplomb.

I would pooch. And lick. And then tap dance.

The Suckerfish is an exploding head of douchewankery.

He deserves mock for the face. The hair. The shirt. And even by looking at a pic, we all know that his feet smell like gouda.

Together, they make poo.

(Dis)honorable mention to Militia Max, who, as Wheezer so rightly puts out, features Meghan from last June’s Kitchenbag. Meghan loves her Jerz Douche beefy. Also (dis)honorable mention to the KFC Scrotal Melt Sandwich and the hilariously clueless Crowdbag.

But them’s your three.

Now I turn to you. I want you. I need you. To pee on their rug. Which tied the room together.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
Wednesday, June 17, 2009

HCwDB of the Week: Guido Buttchinsky


From the moment his orangeness appeared, G.B. was a throwback douche. Classic 2005-2006 vintage Long Island Scrotitude. And his late-entry second pic showed even more chinfungal scrote.

But there was a problem. Did Tonya and her older-sister/mom bring the hott enough to complete the HCwDB? It was tough. But The Kitchenbag and Lumpy and Steph split the remaining vote, allowing Buttchinsky to take the Weekly with a solid win.

The voters speak:

Dr. Howie Feltersnatch: It is my professional opinion that Mr. Chinsky is the biggest bag this week. Guido Butt has quite the arrogant chin.

Reno Von Bergmann: GUIDO FTW. Even his taint is orange.

Anonymous: Guido Buttchinsky FTW! Lumpy has the matching belt buckle and necklace but Guido has a triple match going on. Belt buckle, T-shirt and mandana to partially cover up his greasy ‘mark of the bag’. That’s enough to make him a shoe in for the weekly.

Anonymous: Guido Buttchinsky – because when having an A|X belt isn’t douchey enough, he knows to clip his phone to it. Hott on the left looks like Eliza Dushku.

Medusa Oblongata: Purely on classic peacocking and ostentatious douchewankery, I hereby cast my vote for Guido. His roomy but seemingly friendly galpals are ignorant of the inner turmoil belied by his autofellating and insecure preening. They smile for the camera, unaware of the sinister orange tint that follows him, like an evil aura.

Katie: i’m a HCwDB of the week voting virgin but i just had to this week..the over accessorized long island guido, complete with the staten island mommy-daughter bookends, is clearly the champ. if i ever see this guy i’m gonna walk up to him a kick him in the nuts.

RAPETIME: And then there is Guido. He is the original vector, Patient X of the Grieco virus. As you can see from the picture, everywhere he has walked, the whole world has turned orange. He sports the traditional and ancient marks of his kind, the Chinstrap, Spikes, the holy Mandana. He bears the trappings of Armani Exchange into his daily combat with the world. This creature was not born but was spawned, like Venus from the half-shell, as a fully formed and perfect douche.

sir douchealot: Has to be Guido FTW. Every now and then we need a straight classic douchebag to regain our focus on the mission. A lower level douchebag does not gain points for having the hotter and less clothed hott! For looking like he drank too much Tang while wrangling Jersey douches at the local Armani Exchange outlet store during a hurricane (causing his hair to explode, of course), I say Guido. Tool.

Well said team, but I remain convinced that Tonya deserves better. She is damn cute, and points should not be deducted for it being Winter. A more flattering pic, and she’d be getting equal love to Meghan, and without the food-baby-bump.

Coming in a solid second, and nearly winning the whole thing, the Kitchenbag and his Preggers Meghan:

Patrick: While the douche is strong with butchinsky….they fact that there is a possibility that The Kitchenbag impregnated the lovely Meghan makes my insides scream with disgust.

memphis doucheworkers local 421: kitchenbag. for continuing excellence in the field of tat-shirt continuity theory

Tracie: kitchenbag FTW. The combo of 1000 yard stare, hideous shirt & tats, thousands of hours at the gym and that orange glow are just completely over the top of the douchey scale.

Scrotie and the Bandit: Highlighted fauxhawk, arm tatt with images from horror movies, textbook bag adornments (tatt-inspired T-Shirt and cross…), and a Hott with a baby bump wearing a party wristband! This bag has it all! Kitchenbag FTW.

Indeed, and the Kitchenbag will most certainly be seen at the 2009 Douchie Awards in December. Yet, even despite the A-List hottness that is Steph, Lumpy was too generic to take the prize:

JJF: Lumpy FTW hands down. Although Guido and KB are indeed prime specimens of glorious douche, Guido’s hotts are nothing more than PATH trash bleeth hags, and Meghan is a little funny looking and possibly preggers. Lumpy exudes an understated air of douchal sophistication that says, “I don’t need to try that hard, because Steph is so face-meltingly, unbleethedly hot and eager to get away from me that this isn’t even a contest.”

Massa-douchetts: Lumpy FTW – the dichotomy is too strong to ignore. He may not be as douchy as Kitchen ‘Bag but she’s way hotter than Megan.

True, and in a lesser week, Lumpy and Steph would’ve won. But this was one of the toughest Weeklies in… well… weeks. Vin Douchal explains why Mr. Buttchinsky deserves the win:

Do not deny Guido Buttchinsky a win due to the lack of hotts. They are both hot: Big Gulp Tanya is normal sized but looks big next to this skinny wimp and that’s not her mom. As any east coast dude will tell you, we don’t need a gal to be in a bikini to check her out, we get good at sizing up gals while bundled up in winter clothes out of sheer necessity.

I’ll take them as the bread in a Vin Douchal sandwich . Guido Buttchinsky FTW as he makes Orangina jealous

Indeed he does make Orangina jealous, well said Vinny D. Lets let the everpresent Anonymous takes us home:

Guido FTW. He is the reason I spend the extra bucks to fly into LaGuardia instead of Newark.

And for that, mark a slot in the Monthly for this Long Island Big Gulp of Orange.

# posted by douchebag1
Monday, June 15, 2009

HCwDB of the Week

This is a deliciously douchey/boobie HCwDB of the Week, with three equally pungent pairings of the suckle-n-choad vying for the crown.

Which will rise to the top (bottom) of the boobie (douchey) universe? That’s up to you, fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses. Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Guido Buttchinsky

An A-Lister in the classic Long Island / Jerz / Staten Island mold, and I do mean mold, Guido Buttchinsky is what this site is all about.

But what of the HC side of the ledger?

Tonya is cute, wholesome and drinking a Big Gulp. Her older sister/mom, is friendly enough, and has fishnet boobies.

But Guido’s overpowering Orangeness is so strong, so gel spiked, that even the background is turning orange.

A worthy Weekly finalist. But enough to take the prize?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Lumpy and Steph

Steph is one of those strikingly natural beauties who causes heart palpitations and gout in agar test samples.

Hers is the smile of generational conflict.

His is the greasy mug of tool-douchery that can only be explained when one realizes he’s wearing matching necklace and belt buckle skulls.

Repeat.

He’s wearing matching necklace and belt buckle skulls.

Toss in the drink + hand gesture move, his second pic licking a blonde, and an ownership embrace of Steph in the rec room of an abandoned YMCA, and even the elfstones of Shannara can’t fully explain this.

It is tripe.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Kitchenbag

The Kitchenbag is classic lazy-eyed scrotifery.

Meghan is china-doll porcelain delightfulness, even if it appears she may be, as they say in Indochine, “Plump with child.”

I, for one, do not think she is preggers. I think she has a food baby and needs to burp. But I could be wrong.

Meatwad may have gotten her in child way, through the sheer power of his ginormous tatted up, yet limply hanging arm.

Does that arm even work?

It looks like a dead kangaroo hanging from a willow tree.

So them’s your three. And what a tough choice it is.

(Dis)honorable mention to the Urban Cowbag, Pubic Enemy, and the uberhott swarm of nondouchey regular guys who won the lottery in nymphette paradise, ‘Bags / Nottabags.

I do not envy you this task.

You must choose. Which of these three pics rises enough to call itself HCwDB of the Week?

Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1