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HCwDB of the Month
Here it is. The last HCwDB of the Month before the 2008 Douchie Awards in mid-December. Who will earn the final slot to compete in that most coveted of all Douchie Awards; The 2008 HCwDB of the Year?
That, as always, is up to you.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Brian Earlicker and Lila’s Alzadoes
Yes, there is the “porny” vibe in this pic, and porn-types are usually disqualified for living a life of auto-douchery and constant “exposure” in every sense of the word.
But there’s something authentic here.
Authentically skeeze. A genuine moment of all that is wrong when douche mugs hott.
And blocking the football game with a nasty-ass tongue lick makes Brian Earlicker a contender.
Lila has wonderful Alzadoes. Yes they are fake. But they are also healthy and sing harmonic Disney songs with little bluebirds on their cleavite.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Chumlee
Chumlee brings that annoying greasy “model” type of ‘tude.
Plus the ferret facial fung, scoring a +3 on the alliteration scale.
And lets not forget the sexy, if zaftig, Beatrice, who brings large succulent baby feeders into play. Like Lila, the fake mamms are convincing enough to confuse a hungry toddler.
But it is Chumlee’s subversive douche that is truly rank. The D-neck t-shirt, the gray shock of hair, and the hand pose just ramp up the scale even further.
Finally, we must remember the guiding principle of this site. The proper hottie/douchey pic has a spectrality of douche. The desire to punch through your screen and slap the unholy combo occurring before you.
Tell me you don’t have that urge here.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Last Dragon
There is so much wrong in this pic, it’s hard to even comprehend the 1980s matte-effects work that render the glow into nostalgic filmic douche of yesteryear.
First, lets stat with Douche Leroy.
The Sisqo white hairdo.
The bloody t-shirt.
The neck scar.
The leather wristdanna.
Then there’s Greta. The stern, emotionally dysfunctional hott whose traumatic period in Catholic School has made her so angry. Yet so naughty. Yet so perky.
Combine them, and the smell wafts of poo.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Samurai Scrote
The legend. The myth. The icon.
Samurai Scrote has acquired quite the cult following, with disciples running in the tens of ones.
Samurai Scrote’s legendary thread announces the power of douchery to transcend mere physical hand gesture or facial expression.
Samurai Scrote controls his douchery with the power of the mind.
Samurai Scrote understands that sequined Laura has a sexy girl next door thing that makes you want to bite into a seal at SeaWorld until it “arfs” in minor annoyance.
Samurai Scrote forgives you this desire.
For she is a slender island of salad dressing. An iceberg wedge of blue cheese joy.
But is having a cult following enough to win a Monthly? Or will one of the other toxic combos rise up and triumph in a sea of douchal poobaggery?
That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
HCwDB of the Week
The last Weekly before the last Monthly before the 2008 Douchies. My scrotundae is tingling with excitement. Or that could be the Man Junk I just sprayed on it.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Brian Earlicker and Lila’s Alzadoes
Props to doucheous scrotimus, who nicknamed this football blocking skeezebag, and to don’t wheeze the douche!, whose run of ‘bag mocking domination continues with nicknaming Lila.
There is little more to add to this toxic swirl of MILFy hottness and creepy ear licking rosarie necklace wearing douche.
You just know this guys begins, and ends, each sentence with “Yo.”
Yo, dig my zebra shorts, yo.
Earlicker made a second appearance in the Friday Haiku, here. And Lila’s enticing bunny tatt, suggests happy trails and soft skin.
Who says you can’t be hot over 35? Lila may not be a spring doe, but she’s a summer deer. Yes, please.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Fist of Power
Shazam!!
Wonder Douche Power, Activate!!
Never underestimate the short dude with the giant white belt to bust some douche near a Nordic Aryan Model Hott.
Would she spank me with a large rubber paddle for disobeying curfew?
Perhaps she would report me to the Kommandant.
But I would forgive her.
For her hips are strong and crushworthy, and could bear many children with blonde hair and blue eyes.
So I grovel meekly.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Homies in Da Boutique Hotel Lobby
I simply direct your attention to the fact Homie #1 shaves his armpits.
I repeat.
He shaves his armpits.
Contrast the Homies and their douchey behavior with the pure, innocent snowflake Eurohotts, and you have proper hottie/douchey toxicity.
It goes to eleven.
And Svenga from Belarus brings a second Eurohott to the table in this week’s Weekly.
But, lest I keep babbling, I turn it over to you. Which of these three pics contains enough hott/douche dynamics to earn your vote for the Weekly?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
HCwDB of the Week: Brian Earlicker
So who won the election?
What? Geez, you’d think there was another election that happened somewhere. Lets stick to priorities people. Mocking ‘bags and staring at boobs.
gold5: Brian Earlicker FTW. Dragon Fist isn’t so bad (he’s just a short guy tryin to make it in the world) and the other two are wanna-bes who haven’t flowered into full douche-dom yet. It’s no contest really.
chris in ‘baghdad: they’re all swine, every one of them. but as an old Denver Broncos fan from the ’70s, I gotta go with Lila’s (artificial) Alzadoes
jonathan: Look, up in the sky. It’s a snake-style kiss attack. It’s a playboy bunny mocking a tiny package. It’s EARLICKER FTW!!!
douchey mcdouche: I struggled with this one, but in the end it’s Earlicker based on a gut reaction. And by “gut reaction” I mean nausea.
tristan: Gotta be ear licker, the ear lick move while wearing a rosary is complete douche.
monty: LILA ALZADOES!
marita: i’ve decided that because of the rosary, brian gonna have to get my vote. this means that leagues of zealous catholics want him tarred and feathered, drawn and quartered, and burned at the stake. im the most cynical catholic I know and it even makes me want to uppercut a woodland creature.
Ol’ Bag: Earlicker is pure douche. Lila looks as if she is choking back down a little vomit…would that she would have spewed it on him just as the pic was taken. If she is the mom to the chick in the Haiku pic….I’ll stick with the mom.
But Fist of Power also felt the wrath of voters confused by the shirt-tatt and Fist of, well, power.
Charles Nelson Douchely: Fist of power. Mainly due to the fact he likely purchased that shirt to tide him over until he get get the actual tattoo that looks just like that.
And the nicker brings smart voting strategy into play:
Earlicker’s going to win, so I’m voting for 2nd place, and I’m taking the homies. That picture angers me like nothing in the past few weeks . . .
And rumpelscroteskin agrees:
I like the Earlicker and Lila, but I’ve seen the tongue move before. Not very new. She looks great.
I give my vote to the HOMIES, but only because of that sensational brunette hottie, who has to be the best looking gal of the bunch. And what is that fellow doing with shaved armpits? Hasn’t he ever heard of a shower and Old Spice?
Well said, and props to every voter who did their patriotic duty this election season and stepped up to vote with the Yin/Yang polarities of lust and rage for a hott/douche.
I’ll turn it over to Darksock for the final vote on this, the day after election day:
Earlicker/Boobies. If only the Republicans had run on that ticket there would be 50 red states tomorrow.
And by red I mean brown.
And really, does it matter who won the President or Senate races? Well, yes. It does. But the 2008 Douchies are next month.
There is douche-mocking to be done.
