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The Eiffel Towers
Ah hawww haww haww…. Too-Loose LaDreck haz seen zee boobies!!
Yeah, I’m making no sense at all today. I apologize for second tier French mocking that doesn’t really even connect to the picture in question, except the baseball cap sort-of looks like a beret.
Seriously. I blame the No-Doze.
But on the plus side… boobies.
And by plus side, I mean plus side.
EDIT: Reader dimples wins the thread with the following: looks like a dead heat in a zeppelin race.
HCwDB of the Year: Smoot and Crystal
What more can be said, as we crown our HCwDB couple for 2009?
Only that our voting thread was epic deconstruction, and should be studied by talmudic scholars for many years to come.
Smoot and Crystal. Cystal and Smoot.
All that is hottie/douchey and douchey/hottie about our world we live in in 2009.
The run begins, followed by pic #2, pic #3 , pic #4, pic #5, pic #6, pic #7, pic #8, pic #9, pic #10 with King D and pic #11.
A well earned prize of superdouchosity and tasty hottitude.
Well done, everyone. Except Smoot’s parents.
Here are your 2009 Douchie Award Winners:
Douchiest Hair: Hairy Belafonte
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Rebecca The Loop Girl
Douchiest Tattoo: Rated “P” For Poo
Douchiest Facial Expression: The Punch-Face
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: The Incredible Yolk
Douchiest “Athlete”: Jeff Reed
Hottest Librarian Hott: Dewey Hott
Douchiest Hand Gesture: The Hypothetical Gun
Jerziest Jerz: Guido Buttchinsky
Greasiest Grease Stain: A Clockwork Orange
The Ricky Award: Sammy
Sexiest Back Curve: The Barrowbag’s Alana
Douchiest Imitation of Deathtongue: The Hurt Licker
Best Friday Ass Pear: Ass Pear La Plante
Best Golden Globes: Raquel
Best Golden Globes II: The Eiffel Towers
Orangest Orange: Cheeto Man
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott: Cynthia
Douchiest Home Video: Mikey Batz Frolics in the Parking Lot
Most European Eurobag: The Eurobag
Crimsonest Crimson: Crimson Ted
Most Annoying ‘Bagling: Suburban Pimp
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: The Sterilizer
Douchiest Hipsterbag: The Hipsterbag
Douchiest Facial Hair: The ‘Stachebagger
Douchiest New ‘Bag Trend: Groin Shave Reveal
Douchiest Baguette: Lips McGee
Douchiest Hat Tilt: Bucky
Douchiest ‘Bagcessory: Blackerry Bob
Smells Like Poo: Poo
Most Likely to be a Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim in 2023: “Pool Pear”. Additional Art Awards to: Ass Pear in Chains, Still Life with Wheelbarrow,and FratsnHotts Playing Pool.
The Yellowtail: The Leatherbag
Celebrity HCwDB of the Year: Tiger Woods and the Nanny
Hottest Hotts of the Year: Rachelle and Clarissa
And of course…
The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Donkey Douche
Rather than do a ‘Bag hunter and huntress of the Year, I’ve decided to induct a Class of 2009 of our best and brightest ‘bag mockers from the comments thread. Joining the 2008 Class (Baron Von Goolo, DarkSock and the Late Pfah) will be the following:
Troy Tempest, Steve L, Wheezer, Medusa Oblongata, creature, Crucial Head, Mr. White, Archidoucheis, Mr. Biggs, Vin Douchal, Sergent Scrote Stain, boatbutter, Captain Bringdown, Whoop-di-douche, Jacques Doucheteau, massengill and Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche.
Also special ‘Baghunter Pic Awards to George S. and Il Douché.
This is not to discount the many other superb ‘bag hunters and huntresses, all of whom remain eligible for the 2010 induction class (with a number of promising leads already). Only that we most canonize those whose tireless commitment to mocking/lusting carries this site onward into a new decade.
Them’s your 2009 Douchie Awards.
Your humble narrator, The DB1, just arrived in New York for three weeks of alcoholism, pursuing urbane New York hotties who brush by him quickly, and, of course, extensive mocking of Bridge and Tunnel Guids.
Yup. I’se is gettin’ drunk already.
Best Golden Globes: Raquel
This weekend, we’ll be announcing the winners of the first week’s voting categories at the 2009 Douchie Awards. First up, Best Golden Globes.
In a four way race between Raquel and The Eiffel Towers for the 2009 Douchie Award for Best Golden Globes, Raquel’s natural wonders juggled the prize. And then smushed it. The voters speak:
Archidouchies: I’m gonna go with Raquel because they are the most supple looking bussoms on the most attractive lady out of the picks. Her taking off her bra would be a majestic moment with horns blowing, confetti falling, lights from heaven converging to grace the cleavage, and me drooling.
David: Raquel, I dream of miniaturizing myself so i can ski those slopes.
Vin Douchal: Ridiculous. Ample. Queefing. Urethra. Emissions. Lickity. FTW
Blair: Raquel. She looks like a chick I was friends with in high school. But with much nicer ta-ta’s
Jim: Oh glorious Raquel! How could you let anchor chin anywhere near those? Anchors drag things down.
Medusa Oblongata: Raquel FTIVL. Because in my mind I’m eye level to those kazongas and my arms are around her torso, my fingers gripping the clasp on the back of her bra. And it’s like one of those .GIF files, I just keep unhooking the bra and letting them drop, then they’re back up again, and they drop, then back up again—- What’s the female equivalent of “fwap”?
Oh hell with it.
I’m giving out a second 2009 Douchie. Because with boobies, we all win.
Best Golden Globes
Here’s one category where we all win. And by win, I mean jagoozgas.
Best Golden Globes Finalist #1: The Eiffel Towers
Tattines.
Num nums.
Hablueybloos.
Joy mounds.
Gazangas.
Hills.
Mountains.
Things I want to touch.
Things I really want to touch.
Things that bore me after coitus.
Zeppelins.
Chesticles.
Flesh pillows.
Best Golden Globes Finalist #2: The Anchor Chin’s Raquel
Jiffy Pops.
Mumbai air breads.
Squeeze boxes.
Jiggle Joys.
Air Hockeys.
Nub Nubs.
Playthings.
Destroyers of higher brain function.
Suckle cannons.
Gum Guns.
Hypnotic Kreskins.
Grub Toys.
Best Golden Globes Finalist #3: Charleez
Mammaries.
Mamtastic Chewtoys.
Two Stooges.
Airbags.
Baby feeders.
headlights.
Honkers.
Bewbs.
Huminas.
Skin Balloons.
Magambos.
Milk Jagerbombs.
Wahoos.
Best Golden Globes Finalist #4: The Bada Bing Boobs
Melons.
Mounds.
Squee.
Jello cups.
Albert Einsteins.
Frankfurt Cheesecakes.
The Primary Reason for the Downfall of all Major Empires.
Devolution Cupcakes.
Ta’s.
Bouncy mentions to Musical Cleavite, Sexy Sadie, The Temple Mount and Keith Barely Tries.
Vote now.
HCwDB of the Week
After a healthy and relaxing weekend gorging on Hostess Fruit Pies and Dr. Brown’s Black Cherry Soda (an excellent combo, subtle yet soothing), your humble narrator is fired up and ready to mock some scrote and lust after some suckle thigh.
Here’s your finalists.
HCwDB Finalist of the Week #1: Rusty the Frill-Necked Lizard
A write-in candidate from the last Weekly, Rusty earns his shot this week due to a core, dedicated group of readers who demanded satisfaction.
And by satisfaction, they meant another chance to mock Roosterhawk and a sexy slut-hott.
I’d initially D.Q.’d Rusty for the pro-douche look and for the relatively high Bleeth level of his hott. But what cannot be denied is that Rusty is a huge sack of scrotal sweatsock.
That being said, look for the subtleties mixed in with the loudness. Note the tiny chinpubes. The elevation of sunglasses over ear. It’s the little touches that make the Vegas Choad go from generic-bag into legend.
And Sylvia offers tighty short-shorts and a bony, if still highly gnawable, upper glute area.
Together, they make Dragon poo and Flower.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Tony Broma
Tony Broma and Lorie Hott are classic, back-to-basics denim HCwDB stench.
She is all that is sweet and wholesome and causes magpies to dance in synchronization in corn fields while horny bullfrogs mount a nearby Maypole.
Broma, on the other hand, is ass.
Note the douche-sneer. The ginormous mandana. The bizarre redesigned “Shocker +”.
Lorie offers cleavite.
Broma offers three fingers in the pooer.
What more does one need to become so inspired by hottie/douchey rage that only the punching of a stigmatic Nun will subside the voices inside one’s head.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: For The Wank
For introducing pasty-ass acronym tatts, FTW deserves a shot to be mocked in the Weekly.
And let us not forget the tasty balls of Vegas Hotts on either arm.
Suburban girls on Spring Break from Bennington. And since it’s cold up in Vermont, they’ll cuddle up to any doughey Wonderbread thing that presents itself at the Hard Rock.
I almost disqualified FTW for the weekly, even though FTW could be an acronym “For the Weekly.”
Because he just looks so darn Opie innocent and happy.
But then I noticed the crotch reveal. And stupid-hatt. And since both girls are lovely, it’s a Finalist.
(Dis)honorable mention to the unGodly stench of Smote This and the beauticious Zeppelins of The Eiffel Towers, both of whom lost out for not having proper hottie/douchey dialectic. Too far in one direction or the other, and an unbalanced pic is to be had.
And by unbalanced, I mean large saline tatines. But your three are your three.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
