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Chinstrap McAdams Buys Kelly and Ashley a Mai Tai
Don’t look now ladies, but Chinstrap McAdams is about to get cozier.
Lithe Blonde Kelly may be fierce, and I may be slightly intimidated, but I would still pooch sparkle. Oh yes. Like a winter gardenia pancake, I would flapjack those boogie board roller derbies like a disco gajinga bell smackle.
Many of those words may not be words in the strictest sense. But boobs.
The Chinstrapper
So when did stubblebags start shaving their chinstraps into giant hockey stick formation? I’m still recovering from the shoelace look.
I haven’t seen a mug that stone-like since Sean Connery went flying around in a giant stone head in Zardoz.
Yeah, I said Zardoz. If you haven’t seen Sean Connery in Zardoz, this image should convince you that you haven’t lived a proper and full life until you have.
The two chorus line girls are Zamphiric Pan Flutes of budding hott. I would toast them over flaming marshmallows then munch on them lightly with a shot of port wine while dressed in cherry flavored edible underwear.
Which I look hot in.
The Undersexed World of Jacques Doucheteau: Ep. 3 The Sound of Dolphins Dying
You think you had some weirdos on your bus ride? Try my daily sojourn to the CNC shop, bitch.
I worked just up the street from a pallet manufacturer that was able to get tax exempt status by hiring nothing but ‘tards – sorry, “mentally handicapped ” ‘tards – and had to ride the same bus to work as them.
Forty minutes to and from downtown everyday having to listen to a mess of gimpy bike helmet-wearing half-wits yell children’s songs out of key at the top of their lungs while spitting their Cheerio peanut butter breath all over the side of my neck.
I swear if I ever hear anyone start belting out “The Wheels of the Bus Go ‘Round and ‘Round”, including my own kid, I will tear out their toenails with vise grips and staple their genitals to their gawdamn forehead.
Meanwhile, Ed Hardy bikini sportin’ Shoshana displays her wares for Chinstrap Jason, who exudes a deep spiritualism born of his own brand of disingenuous Catholicism. Shoshana has not been keeping up with current events, and knows nothing of Netanyau’s weakened position as the centrist Yesh Atid Party picked up 19 seats in the parliamentary elections over the weekend. She’s just digging this new concealer that makes her nose look more “petite” like her Caucasian friend Sandy’s.
No it doesn’t.
Off in the distance, oohs and ahs can be heard as Smallman John demonstrates his invisible “skills.” You wanna see some funny sheit? Go to Google images and search “people coughing”. It looks like a bunch of people giving BJs to invisible snausages.
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HCwDB of the Month: Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn
This was a legitimately close three way split vote, with both D.J. Jerzey Jackoffsky and Jenny, and Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie, almost pulling out the upset. But in the end, Edgar and Josslyn’s run was too pure cut hottie/douchey to ignore.
Check the evidence: Brobag Edgar and Josslyn #2, #3, Edgar and Josslyn who may not be Josslyn , #4, purple kissy lips, Experimenting With Plaid and Brothabag E and the Ladiez.
Quite the run of taint. The voters speak:
Guns-n-Douches: Chinstrap, guyliner, blowout, kissylips, iPhone self portrait, orangy-glow, purple lipgloss, drawn on eyebrows and for the love of god, makeup. Yep, I bet Edgar rocks some base… and not the musical kind. Therefore Edgar gets a head of the class 9. Josslyn and might-be-Josslyn are hot, but not double T hott. Bartender who hates her dad is a hott no doubt. So, hott multiplier =3. Edgar throws down a 27, kicking all other nominees asses and getting my vote for the monthly.
C.G.: i don’t care how hard the other ‘bags have tried because Brothabag has his f-ing forehead shaved a quarter of an inch. he essentially framed his ugly face with pubey-beard hair to match the McBrow and the amber-alert mustache that subtly accents his DSLs.
Anonymous: EDGAROHSWEETGODMAKEITSTOP
scrotum pole: I’d gladly live out the rest of my days in a formaldehyde-laden FEMA trailer, subsisting entirely on salmonella-infected eggs and Mountain Dew, if I could briefly fondle a Zip-Loc baggie containing the dog excrement left on the lawn in front of Josslyn’s house.
Bag Margera: Brothabag edgar is the epitome of all that is wrong in the world of womanly bad decisions.
boatbutter: There can be no otha, but Brotha.
Douchey Lewis and the News: Brothabag Edgar FTW. Thanks New Jersey, your journey towards the dark side is complete.
Wheezer: Edgar’s need for hair and other manscaping products has created the world’s 19th largest economy.
Chaz: Gotta go with Edgar for the thinnest moustache this side of John Waters.
SonnyChibaChoad: BrothaBag Edgar FTW….flagged for excessive trips to the John/Photo-booth with the bleeths
Condouchious: I’m casting my vote and a finger wag of shame for the swirling cesspool of ambiguity that is Brothabag Edgar. I don’t know if he’s actually a brotha (maybe Hispanic or Filipino?), gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that), or even a dude. I’m not even sure his hotts are of legal age. But one thing is very clear: Brothabag Edgar is pure kissy face, gelled up douche.
Douche-a-lot: And on the sixth day, God created Brothabag Edgar, and when he looked down upon his creation he pouted and made kissy lips. Can anyone stop the Edgarbag?
Sorta Damocles: Josslyn looks like the neighbor who took my virginity and hates her parents. Edgar & Josslyn FTM.
Mr. Scrotato Head: in the words of the old Baghunter spiritual, “Peed at last, peed at last, Thank God almighty, in a horse’s butt we have peed at last.” Brothabag Edgar FTW, African-American hopes for a brighter tomorrow for the loss.
Medusa Oblongata: Brothabag Edgar FTW, girlish innocence lost to gel-caked hands and my faith in youth FTL.
Amerigo Vesdouchey: As Paul wrote to the Babylonians: Tread thee with head hung low uponst the douchey path to fiery damnation.
Wedgie: I will vote for my brotha from anotha motha. Mostly because I can’t grow a cool chin strap, my beard makes me look like a fuccen terrorist.. And I hate shaving. And the fuccen blades cost more than a good bottle of booze, even at Costco.
The Brothabag and Barely Legal Josslyn may have won, but it was a close vote. Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie came close to pulling off the epic upset on the power of groin veins and female buttitude:
Deltus: all other choadstains are weaksauce in the onslaught that is Ted’s GSR’s unholy vein display. That and the rest of his adoucherements? Fuggedaboudit. Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie FTW.
DarkSock: Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie for the win, and by “win” I mean live oak root field for a groin.
army (ret) douche: I was really hopping for some competition in the monthly. Scrolling through the pics I noticed the farther I got the more powerful the foul smell. Until finally I reached Edgar… For he is truely worthy of an apearance at the 2010 douchies. That is where the competition really counts, as it will be a terrible blow to the mock should a boarderline stage 3 take home a coveted golden douchie.
Plowboy: It takes years of devotion to scrotology to get your body-fat index dipping below 1% thereby revealing subcutaneous details of the body that would make the publishers of Grey’s Anatomy (the book, not the show) drool.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Tendon Ted for breaking all of Moses’ laws.
McBagsworth: Edgar, Jerzy, and Andrew are all “fair-weather ‘bags.” Ordinarily, one of them might win, but Tendon Ted’s dedication is terrifying. For Ted, ‘bagging is a full-time job, yo. That’s why his horrifying canvas/physique have to take the win.
RAPETIME: Tendon Ted and Annie for the win. They are society’s loss, a vacant black hole of endless days of dieting, flexing, posing, drinking and scenewhoring. They will die alone and unloved. Plus, here’s the kicker; I just can’t get past a pic of a guy who seems to have tree roots surgically implanted in his abdomen.
doucheywallnuts: He has chunks of lesser-douchebags like Edgar, Andrew’s Bro and DJ Jeez in his stool.
The Tendons of Doom were well worthy of the mock, and Ass Pear Annie is undeniably hott, even if stage-3 Bleeth. Another strong contender, DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky spun his two turntables and microphone, and Jenny smiled coquettishly:
chaserofthehott: I have to go for DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky and my always lovely suckle they Jenny. Call me Jenny, I will allow you to bear my children. Trust me they will be beautiful, cause I make pretty babies.
UFO Destroyers: Gotta be D-Triple J and Jenny. The sheer pollution factor is high in all pics, but the innocence that is Jenny leads to a greater dichotomy in polluter versus pollutee.
Et Tu Douche?: I feel as though the term “Douchebag” is being thrown around, all to loosely these days, at anyone who comes off as annoying. However DJJJ & J encompass the ideology that is HCwDB. He is immediately what comes to mind when I think of “Douchebag” & Jenny is a Hott.
Elwood Blues: Brothabag “Heatmiser” Edgar has gone so douche-overboard that he’s using Pomade that fell from the Titanic.
ehcuodouche: As much as I do admire the Brothabag’s “skills”, I’m gonna go with the DJJJ for the monthly. Firstly, because I can’t look at that hat without running to the kitchen and making me some Jiffy Pop, and I love Jiffy Pop. Secondly, because Jenny is all that is right and good with the world.
Mr. White: I’m going to let the hotts decide it, and Jenny edges out Kaitlin. Kaitlin is flashing a douchebaguette hand sign of her own, which makes her fall far behind Jenny’s real world hottness. So based on chicks that I’m actually sad to see with douche, DJ Jerzy and Jenny FTW.
The D.J. and Jenny were a quality entry of poo, and will definitely be seen somewhere at the Douchie Awards in December. Poor Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn, douchey enough to make the Monthly, but no real shot at the yearly, coming in a distant fourth, but with supporters:
Jeff Reed Towel Dispenser: Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn for the win (loss). My reasoning is simple: there is a chance, however unlikely, that all of these douches have some redeeming quality of which we are unaware from seeing the photos alone, much like our dearly-departed Pumpie. But for Andrew’s Bro, there is no room for doubt: he is pure douche, and was turned in by his own grief-stricken family for it.
Business-Casual Douche: Andrew’s Bro has the potential for greatness. He reminds me of a young Lou Brock in terms of overall potential. Of course, Lou Brock went on to be a hall-of-famer while this guy’s hall of fame will either involve working in Daddy’s Insurance office after skating through college, or managing a White Castle in Gary, Indiana.
Andrew’s Bro made it as far as he could with some duped quality state school hotties, a coupla hand gestures and suburban entitlement. This was Edgar and Josslyn’s week to grease into the Yearly. Lets let Dex take us home:
Baghunters, do not be fooled into thinking that Edgar will simply go away if we ignore him. The hotts he snags have not the intellect to realize the sheer maliciousness of the contagion they allow to nuzzle them. We have a duty to make the world aware of this plague, and any of you who think that denying him his rightful place as Monthly winner, and hardcore contender for Yearly will cause him to fade might as well just go Tivo a bunch of Keystone Light commercials to watch on a loop. I can think of no better punishment. Edgar all the way.
Edgar and Joss may indeed go all the way. We’ll see them as one of our finalists for the HCwDB of the Year at the 2010 Douchie Awards in December. Well done voters. Now relax and meditate with a HoHo.
HCwDB of the Week: Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn
Total domination. A blowout greaseslide. Douchebag chinstrap and barely legal cuteness uber alles. Witness the epic: #1 , #2, #3 , #4, and purple kissy lips. The voters speak:
DoucheyWallnuts: Just as the Chicago Bears defeated the Washington Redskins 73-0 in the 1940 NFL Championship game, Brothabag should romp to the winners circle. Any analysis of the whys and hows are as meaningless as they would have been 70 years ago trying to explain how one team beat another by more than 10 touchdowns in a match-up between the two best teams.
Dolph Douchegren: It’s as if there was a secret military program devoted to the destruction of humanity, and this douchbag (with hot chick) is the Mk1 model. Somewhere in a underground laboratory they intentionally constructed a “super-bag” from all available parts to once and for all make us lose our will to live.
SauceOfTheDouche: Every time I look at BB Edgar’s hair, I expect to see Nemo’s lifeless body falling out of it, coated in oil and other douchal excretions.
Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang: Edgar makes me ill. Josyln, hanging out with that pud, clearly thinks he’s cool, and that just makes me sad. Edgar FTW all the way.
Chris in ‘Baghdad: Brothabag Edgar is so over the top. His hott is vaguely annoying, but Brothabag’s chin strap, weird ‘do and general go out just scream BAG!
creature: Edgar is poo chia-pet
Whoop-Di-Douche: He is more than stream of warm vinegar water flowing from a douchebag, he is the Niagara Falls of douchebags. He blows the stopper off the bottle and the hose off the connector.
tall guy: At first I didn’t want to cast my vote for BrotherBag Edgar. But then I took another look at his photo and reminded myself of just how detailed his chin pubes were. He’s really trying. He’s really succeeding.
mehoff: Edgar because all of the money he spends on products for his hair could save the lives of an entire African village during drought season.
Baleen: Brothabag Edgar ftw because if you sprayed him with a flame thrower, the smell would be reminiscent of charred styrofoam and burnt bacon.
Shish_kebag: Brothabag is the reason you should not get too much tan – Brothabag is the best example that there is no god ! – Brothabag is the main cause of cancer as of 2010 – Brothabag is the main cause of teen suicide as of 2010 – Brothabag is the main reason why we hate douchebags !
Crucial Head: This vote was the easiest thing since writing the script for The Expendables.
ehcuodouche: It takes a special kind of douche training to make the chin fung completely encircle one’s face. And Josslyn is just a special kind of barely legal multicultural innocence…
Guns-N-Douches: Edgar pulls off a very difficult trick: taking a self portrait while throwing a douchie hand gesture with the same hand (see pic with skanky bikini stripper). Oh and every time I look at Josslyn, I get a tingle in my naughty bits. Winner winner, chicken dinner.
Bag Margera: Brothabag’s hair is shinier than Calibag’s Cali necklace. Brothabag FTW.
Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: Edgar FTW. Caause he brings the old school Joey Porch classic douchery.. And by bringing it old school, I mean bring the vomit up the esophagus.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Brotherbag FT16W20. And by FT16W20 I mean if he gets caught with Josslyn 16 will get him 20 in the statey.
Wheezer: Edgar and Josslyn in a landslide, and by landslide, I mean hair grease spill. BP hasn’t quite capped that leak, though another kind of “BP” is in Edgar’s nightstand…..it vibrates, and Josslyn usually has little to do with it. Just as long as it doesn’t muss his hair.
Charles Nelson Douchely: I’m a sucker for the classics.
Douche Boyardee’s Cheese and Bagaroni: someone remind me to pick up some Draino after work.
Ohio FJ: Brothabag Edgar FTW – he brings it all to the table
Amerigo Vesdouchey: I was just getting over a hangover the first time I saw Edgar and his nauseating visage brought it back. For that he must pay. I hate being hung over (but not enough to quit drinking).
Indeed, and while the Brothabag may be more a tale of Arabian Blights, his blowout, and Josslyn’s innocence, were too dominant to halt in their march to the Monthly. Yet there was dissent, as The Spud Douche found mock:
End the Haberdouchery: My brain says Edgar, but my heart says Spud. His alpha-male facade cannot hide the fact that he’s 19 with a receding hairline. Melissa and Clarissa would fulfill my barely legal fantasies by being horribly awkward in bed and then asking me to make them Easy Mac afterward.
MoeDouche: The Spud Douche FTW. Just ’cause the lesbo action is worth looking at over, and over, and over…
justadouchalo: While douche indicators are many and varied, ignoring the smoking hot girl, or in this case two girls gone lesbo, sitting next to you to stare stupidly at the camera is the the litmus test of douchebaggery.
Spud ftw.
boondoggle: Spud FTW if for nothing else, for showing us what it would look like if Ali Larter gained a few poinds in all the right places and made out with other hotts.
The Spud would’ve won in a normal week. But this was not a normal week. The Calibag and Paid-to-Pose Pamela got so few votes, it was a total Edgarpocalypse. Lets let Mr. Bungle take us home:
There is no doubt in my mind that Brothabag Edgar is the clear winner this week. I also move to induct him into the hall of scrote immediately. Never have I seen such a specimen of asexual bagness. It’s as if Beyonce and Dave Navarro somehow fused into one being. Send Josslyn to me immediately so I may brush her raven bangs aside as I butter her shoulders with Country Crock. She deserves better than I can’t believe its not butter.
Well said, Mr. B. For it was ordained in the Book of the ‘Bag that it is Brothabag and Josslyn. We’ll see that horrible blowout and poor barely legal cutie in the Monthly. And your humble narrator for Cheerios.
HCwDB of the Week
It may seem more an anhillation than a competition this week in the Weekly.
With Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn having piled up an epic run of blowout doucheyness and barely legal hottness, this seems an epic smackdown of unfair proportions. But until the votes are counted, nothing is done yet. Here are your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalists #1: Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn
From bathroom iPhone pics to bathroom iPhone pics with blonde girls, from Ubiquitous Red Cups to self portraits with strippers in strange bathrooms, from purple kissy lips to… well, that’s enough, isn’t it?
And by enough, I mean ubercraptastitude.
Brothabag Edgar, while neither Brothabag nor Edgar, is all that is Chinstrap about Chinos.
Josslyn is all that is just reaching 18 and already making terrible life choices.
Together, they form a toxic cohabit of hottie/douchey disaster.
But have they peaked too early? Have they worn out their welcome and turned off the voters of HCwDB? Will they burn out in a flame of hairspray and lighter fluid?
The votes have yet to be counted. And they’ve won nothing yet.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Calibag and Paid-to-Pose Pamela
Yo. Keepin’ it 6th Grade Geography Educationamal, yo.
Standard wannabe “rapsta” wanksta crud and eye meltingly hott paid to pose greatness, the Calibag is a formidable single contender ready to take down the heavy favorite of B.E.
Featuring the most obnoxious bling this side of an Armani-Exchange Shroud of Turin Neil Diamond limited edition, The Calibag brings asstastic excess in the age of economic recession.
And PTP Pam will drain your bank account and make out with your boss. She is why wars are started and suicide rates rise in urban environments.
Is tasteful Most Expensive First Date Hott and strange Asian rapsta pud with offensive bling enough to take down the favorite?
Perhaps. But there’s one more finalist to go.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Spud Douche
The Spud Douche is simple. Straightforward. Classic ‘bag. But maybe it’s a classic ‘bag with hott that’s enough to take down B.E. and a Calibag.
When not ignoring the uberhott Barbazons, Spud Douche is busy pointing out any and all nearby cameras.
And what of the Barbizons? Uberhott and Sapphos, two words that go together like horse and carriage.
It’s quality HCwDB any way you slice it. And by slice it, I mean mock with pensive aplomb.
The Barbizons made a second cameo appearance of sexy fondle in Joey Hoverbag’s presence, and then again when Joey Hoverbag couldn’t let lezbefriends be friends.
That’s a lotta hott. But enough to carry The Spud Douche to victory?
(Dis)honorable mention to Lake Crotchpuddle, The Boob Brothers, The Orangeman of Canceria, the real world beauty of Naomi and the toxic taint of The Hardpocalypse
Is this a coronation for Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn? or an upset in the making?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
HCwDB of the Week: Supermang and Lois
The ‘Mang was too strong. Faster than a speeding roofie, able to bleep higher thought with a single hat tilt. And lets not forget the ‘Mang in Pic #2 or his attempt to disguise himself as Creepy Uncle Adrian.
dbBen: There is a red sun in the sky, and it is going to destroy new krypton because of the douche plague. It is a reckoning.
Sergeant Scrote Stain: Any choadwank scrotey enough to wear a hat emblazoned with the international symbol for simultaneous oral sex deserves recognition. And by ‘recognition’, I mean, ‘a blow from a lead pipe straight to the back of the cranium’
One for the choad: there is no touching Supermang’s incredible doucheosity. Lois has bad hair (what’s with those sky-high bangs?), but she also has Hypnoboobies. Mmmmmm, Hypnoboobies.
Cybele: Subtleties sell me on Mang: possibly real boobs on proud display, a neck angle (his) that implies a possessive entitlement and makes my vagina want to run away to a remote mountaintop, forever, just because guys like this exist.
Massengill: Supermang is bringing the redneck wanksta douche, which is a breed apart from Chompsky-esque ochre-choads and the kissy-lipped and Jerz-like Pud Brothers. And then there’s Lois. And by “Lois” I mean “boobs.”
Douche Cassidy and the Baggling Kid: Supermang FTW just because I’d Clark all over myself if Lois revealed her lovely Ta-Ta’s at an office holiday party filled with mulled wine and egg nog.
ehcuodouche: Supermang and Lois. There are boobs, and there are boobs that do that. And then there are people with a “69” mandanna. Ugh.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: Supermang looks like he’s playing the part of Maria in “The Sound of Music” when she busts out “The hills are aliiiiive with the sound of moooooosic!” That’s right bitches, a Julie Andrews reference.
Maxim Kovalenko: Smarmy grin? Check. Dish plate sized watch? Check.
Rotated hat with stupid slogan/insignia? Check. Welding goggle sunglasses? Check. (Undoubtedly) Paid to Pose hott? Check.
Well Comiconed, team, and another expert round of ‘bag dissection. The ‘Mang is a worthy winner and Lois’s mamms are boobtastic. Coming in a solid second, even putting up a late challenge to the ‘Mang, were Lisa and the Pud Brothers.
Southern Scrotic: Lisa is the lost lamb among the grease ball wolves. She is sweet innocence; they are stinky poo. I must save her and kick them in the nads. Lisa FTW and the Pud Brahs for castration.
scrotecles: the Pud Brothers, with their pooty puckers, white glasses & head band are imminently punchable and mockworthy. Lisa looks like she just saw someone hurl a flaming bag of kittens off a bridge. Kudos to her for realizing she just happened upon a shitstorm of doucheyness. The dichotomy is strong here.
noobbag: Twin kissy lips, dual douchegoggles, enough hair gel straighten the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Oh, but the uncertainty I can see in Lisa’s face, I can still save her! There is hope, and with that, I vanquish the Brothers of Pud with a vote in the weekly!
Mr. Biggs: I haven’t seen anything that creepy since Newt was trapped by Alien Creep in Aliens. Lisa is still clinging to her innocence and virtue, and all around her is slime and pud. And that is the vintage moment we seek here at HCwDB. Pud Brothers FTW.
Don’t douchebag me, bro: I vote for the Pud Brothers. The Puds travel in packs of 2 (sometimes more), thereby overwhelming all contestants to the weekly, and all nearby hotts, with their Biblical proportions of douchebaggery.
little beaver: I would like to be trapped on a desert island with Lois, but I would live in a self storage unit with Lisa. Lisa ftw.
Motherscratcher: New from the BeePees: How deep is your Pud, Hoow Deeep is Your Pud, I really need to learn, ‘Cause we’re living in a world of Poo, Breaking us down. Won’t the Puds let Lisa be? She belongs to you and me. La da da da da…
ImageWrangler: I guess Puds because I’m voting for quantity, facing facts, behind the faked smile, Lisa is probably boring in bed but the most pure one to look at… shwing!
And poo(r) Gnome Chompsky and Hottnah. How far the Orange Jerz Guids have fallen in mock hierarchy. A distant third place finish:
memphis doucheworkers local 421: I vote for gnome chomsky, the orange chameleon of douchery. And while he may not be the tall prompa, I’m pretty sure gnome is actually artificial douchetelligence
Chaz: Gotta go with Gnome FTW for the audicity to put a chin strap on that weak sunken orange chin.
Cock-a-doodle-douche: “Everybody’s worried about stopping douchebaggery. Well, there’s a really easy way: stop participating in it.” – Noam Chomsky as he votes for Gnome Chomsky.
True indeed, poo, but orange chinstraps just can’t compete with Southern Vegas uber-wank. Lets turn it over to Jacques Doucheteau to take us home:
Spoos faster than a speeding bullet. His watch has more gears than a locomotive. Three-toed sloths are able to leap over him in a single bound. It’s SuperMang FTW! That, and Lois is very impregnate-worthy. She could feed twin products of our DNA convergence, and still have enough left over for me. Rowr!
Well said, J.D. The ‘Mang and Lois are worthy winners, and the first to announce a challenge to Stackhouse in the Monthly. Well done, team, and your narrator now goes for some ‘Flakes.
Gnome Chompsky
Gnome Chompsky’s important academic treatises examining how transnational power structures impose a culture of Orangeface on the masses won him the Poolitzer Prize in 2005.
Here we find a picture of Gnome Chompsky, along with Hottnah Arendt, greeting the prize committee at the awards ceremony in upstate Strong Island.
Of note to douchal historians: At the awards show dinner, Chompsky would fist pump the shit out of a rough draft of his soon to be seminal work on masculinity, crisis and chin pube, Chinstrap Facial Fungus and Foucault.
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott
The 2009 Douchie Awards continue here at HCwDB with “Hottest Girl Next Door Hott.” But before you vote, yours truly got some press over at Slate. I’m “crude but cultured.” Must’ve been all that organic yogurt.
Here’s your finalists:
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #1: Cynthia
A partner of HCwDB winner Orange Derek Jeter Head from all the way back in February, Cynthia is filled with barely legal life/joy.
Here she is again, in all her sweet gloriousness.
Cynthia’s innocent status is belied by her choice of chest shaved orange finger throwing Derek Jeter Head.
In a hoodie.
With a giant orange head.
Flipping the bird.
But that’s not the category. The category is “Girl Next Door” hottness. The older sister of your best friend hottness. And Cynthia is curvy and her smile cures shingles, lupus and a fractured Lacanian psyche.
Her jeans shorts won an award in Copenhagen.
“Best Jean Shorts.”
I’m serious.
I would gnaw.
Then fall softly asleep in the laundry closet, whimpering.
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #2: Sienna
Shiny Head Sheldon’s partner from early September has the haunting eyes that send ships to war and Zoroastrian priests to self flagellate with fishing twine.
Sheldon is greasy douchitude.
But Sienna is a complex kaleidoscope of stained glass goodnesss.
Sheldon is everything greased up and fractured about the male psyche in the age of pressure and constraint.
But Sheldon’s forehead, already up for a government contract to Halliburton, is not what’s in discussion here.
Sienna is.
Tiny, smiley, shy Sienna. I would rub your ankles softly with chamomile lotion, then slap myself with In-n-Out burgers until I passed out in the back seat of an abandoned Chevy Malibu.
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #3: Ashlee
From Ashlee’s Spring Break in mid April, Ashlee is the thin, awkward and shy collegiate perfection we, and I mean the royal We, all collectively dream about.
And by dream about, I mean butt butter fondle with a spatula and a small Brazilian named Pepe on standby for assistance.
Ashlee studies hard for all her classes.
She’s home for every Thanksgiving.
As such, we should appreciate her Girl Next Door charms, just as we want to yank on Simian Frank’s annoying chinstrap with a cheese grater.
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #4: Stephanie
Looking bizarrely similar to Ashlee, suggesting your humble narrator, the DB1 has a subconscious thing for coy brunettes with glorious smiles, Stephanie is all that’s holy in Antwerp, and all that’s buttgrabby in Guadalcanal.
Here Steph is, pictured along with Lumpy from back in June.
Stephanie’s hauntingly coy smile tasks me through the waking hours, inspiring continuing drinking problems involving cheap wine and televisual therapy via proxy figures on talk shows.
And yes, all four of your choices are looking off to their right of the camera.
I do not know why this is.
I do not know why my socks smell like gouda.
Vote now.
Friday Thoughts and Links
Yesterday, as I waited in line to buy my bottles of Night Train and some tasty Hostess treats to stock up for the weekend, at the local Korean deli south of Wilshire, I had a thought.
As Freud famously wrote in Totem, Taboo and Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh, it is the search for the union of rift in the psyche of the Self that we seek in the Other. This search for Jouissance can never be satiated, and returns only as punctum expressed in the act of mocking douchebag.
Or, as the great Jean-Paul Sartre once asked in a moment of pique at a restaurant, Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup? And the waiter responded, Because of the phenomenological crisis of perception, and he’s doing the back stroke.
Here’s your links:
Geeky pumpkins rule.
HCwDB of the Week Winning Hott Charleez takes a dip in the pool. I would rub her shoulder blades lightly for six weeks straight with only Peruvian coco butters for my chapped skin and a strawberry daiquiri for sustenance.
Russian kids learn to douche it up. Ladies and gentlemen, witness the dangers of market based global hegemony.
Attention ‘Bags: Need to see how your abs look while taking a self portrait? Samsung has the answer.
The French blight on global culture that is Christian Audiger continues to pollute Australia, this time with “Ed Hardy Rockstar bowling.”
“Hey, look at me! I’m a cabbage! Good source of riboflavin.”
Streem Master. When you need to take the “ouch” out of douching.
Speaking of animal douche, check out The Chinstrap Penguin. Ladies, how YOU doin’?
And finally, because it was another tremendous week of ‘bag mocking and hott lusting, this one’s for you:
Collegiate Volleyball Ass Pear. Because you’ve earned it.
