Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

FratChoad Speaks

The stage-1 Fratchoader featured in commenter KellyBelly’s pic from her ‘bag hunting expedition last week, writes in:

———
Take down the 2 photos KellyBelly has of me ASAP. One is on the June 2007 archives and one is on her Blog page. (the one in the hat with the Got Brew shirt)
——–

Now normally I honor all requests to remove a pic, but since KellyBelly herself submitted the pic that she had taken, I may leave this one up. Especially since this dude is actually asking me to remove the pic on her blog page. I would, but, uhm, I’m not KellyBelly. Although I wouldn’t mind occupying her personal space for a solid minute while thinking about baseball.

EDIT: Okay, as per KellyBelly’s request, I’ve taken down the pic. Which means K.B. has two options. Go out and scrote-hunt again, or come to L.A. and feed the DB1 raisins while we watch reruns of Black Adder together. What’s it gonna be, K.B?

Freshmen Fratchoad

I don’t know why freshman Fratchoads bother me so much. They’re generally harmless. But then I see a choadmunch like this, cuddling up to a ball of 18 year old perfection, and I think, “Oh yeah. That’s why.”

Note the trimmed stubble line and ultra-douche revelation of his 1.5 pack abs. That’s one unopened bottle of Schlitz and a half drunk can of Miller Lite. The plaid underoos take the whole thing into douche overdrive.

She is a tiny ball of hot that I would take on trips in my travel case, even as she clutches the infamous Ubiquitous Red Cup. Come to me, tiny Bertinelli. I will be your Van Halen.

Congrats to the Staffordbag on Winning the Superbowl!!

We here hanging out in the moldy archives of Hot Chicks with Douchebags would like to take a moment and honor The Staffordbag, a fratchoadial legend that was mocked here back in 2009.

Congrats on winning that ring, Staffordbag!  We always knew you could do it. 

And by “do it” I mean “drunkenly walk away after a female photographer falls and injures herself at the Superbowl party”.

Because fratwanks instinctively know when to turn heel and Red Cup themselves away.

Billy Wankowsky Sings Yacht Rock to Youthful Kelly

Billy Wankowsky has a secret.

That secret is Yacht Rock.

What is Yacht Rock? That lame douchebro fratchoad music for over forty years of lip biting, high fiving, boat sailing and Bud Light Lime summers.

Like Melville’s symbiotic whale/fish interplay that circumnavigates their douchey-ass trawlers, Fratrock and Douchechoad are a perfect margarita blend of trust fund pablum and culture blender generi-spittle.

All should beware when fratchoads like Billy hum along to remixed Doobie Brothers and fry up some ‘awesome dogs, yo’ on their boat grill. For theirs is a self contained ecosystem. A wretched hive of scam and Valium. The perfect modus operendi for wanky trusty rusty twatwaddles. Whilst lame soft rock seventh chords strummed to falsetto repetition provides the generic soundtrack to their aging, deadened, sun ripened soul shard.

But the greatest tragedy lies in what is slayed on their veritable whale hunt of pop culture somnambulism. For their overplayed ‘classic rock’ soundtrack is not merely accompaniment. It offers the soothing Steelydanitude of inappropriate dazzle. The harmonic wailings that woo ubersucklefondle quality of Youthful Kelly and her purity of holistic hottitude.

And that is true tragedy of the spectral rotting whale corpse beached on the sands of a grossly unexamined life.

Happy summer from the DB1!

About HCwDB

Welcome to HCwDB my fine Webtraveling Friend.

This is where it all started. Where hottie/douchey mock first began, back in the dark, douchiest of days we call the year 2006. You’ve blocked it out, I’m sure. The days of Von Dutch and Affliction t-shirts. Of frosted tips.
Of self proclaimed “Pick up Artists” polluting our societal rhizome like a toxic cactus weed implanting douche culture to every facet of our then-innocent ecotone.

One day, after witnessing a particularly grease-worthy interaction with a crustdouche assaulting a sweet innocent at a sushi restaurant in Los Angeles, your humble narrator had enough. I moved my luddite ass online, found a free blogging site and registered hotchickswithdouchebags.com as one man’s cry in the wilderness against the cacophony of phony caca. One ‘bag hunter who had reached his limit, Taxi Driver style.

Within weeks, my humble blog began to spread, a cry in the digital desert, an oasis of rage in a sea of delusion. I discovered there were others like me. Others who shared my disdain for douche culture, Axe Bodyspray and the many chest shaved orange tanned assclowns who were on a mission to mug the ladies on a daily basis.

Soon dozens of readers turned into hundreds. HCwDB was written up in Rolling Stone and Playboy. I was interviewed on dozens of radio stations. By 2007, readership surged into the tens of thousands a day. My site repeatedly crashed. I had to hire someone to figure out what the heck I was doing.

From there it just got crazier. Emails came in from all corners of the globe, proving HCwDB’s journey was well needed, an aloe vera balm for the spirit in a time of cultural decay.

For years there were many sites trying to copy the Hot Chicks with Douchebags comedy style all across the interwebs. Some even “borrowed” the pics featured here. But there’s only one HCwDB. And you are in the place that started it all. That introduced the word “douchebag” to the mainstream and took silly online mock to new places.

Thesite’s gone on to become a book (Hot Chicks with Douchebags), a TV show (MTV’s Is She Really Going Out With Him?), and even “inspired” (ripped off by) many other shows (Tool Academy, Jersey Shore). The book was in development at New Line Cinema for two years and I was hired to write the script. Two drafts later and New Line got cold feet, so now the movie’s in turnaround. But, ah, what could have been..

Who am I, you ask? I’m DB1. Your humble narrator on the strange journey into the global choad plague. Beyond that, I don’t matter. I’m just some guy that had enough. I stopped daily updates in 2014 but there’s plenty of fun archives to peruse. So pull up a chair. Grab a tasty Mr. Pibb from my freezer. Have a HoHo. Or a Twinkie. And hopefully have a laugh at just how ridiculous people can be.

But most of all, realize that garish name-brand douche culture can be solved through one and only one methodology: The art of the mock.

HCwDB FAQ (from 2010):

Q: What exactly is a douchebag?

A: A douchebag is not defined as simply a series of hand gestures, facial expressions, overly gelled hair or a giant Jesus bling around the neck. A douchebag is a state of mind. It is a place where men go to become scrote. Where machismo mixes with testosterone to form a foul cocktail of rank sewage that smells vaguely of cheap cologne.

Q: What is “The Grieco”?

A: The Grieco refers to the early 90s b-movie actor and star of 21 Jump Street, Richard Grieco. Richard Grieco spent much of the 1990s perfecting the douchebag look with his overly quaffed hair, excessive bling, tats, and leather jacket over a wife-beater t-shirt. Grieco is the source template for the modern day Douchebag, and so he has attained exalted status on our douche shrine and scrote hierarchy. Others, like The Baio, The Tyson, the Bluntbag and even our long missing The Shocker are sources of ‘bag radiation. But none can compare to The Grieco for sheer pull.

Q: Well then what is “The Bleeth” or “Fair Maiden Bleeth”?

A: Fair Maiden Bleeth refers to television star and Baywatch beauty Yasmine Bleeth. A former wonder of nature, Fair Maiden Bleeth found herself enthralled and charmed by The Grieco in the mid 1990s. Her time spent in the presence of such unholy douchitude infected her with enough Grieco ‘Bag Virus to kill a large horse, yet Fair Maiden Bleeth survived. Barely. Her coked out mug shot after four years of being exposed to such heinous douchitude can be seen in the archives of this blog. She is the warning to all hotties featured on this site of what awaits them if they continue down the ‘bag path to greasy scrotitude.

Q: What exactly is Cleavite?

A: Cleavite is not cleavage, and the two shall never be confused. Cleavite is the area of a woman’s cleavage that is paler than the rest due to less exposure to the sun. It is all that is holy and good in the universe. It tempts us with what is forbidden yet is being subtly and coyly revealed. It promises us wonders and worlds of exploration hidden behind that thin layer of fabric. Cleavite is like Manna from heaven. It also summons the douchebag like moths to electric blue light.

Q: I don’t understand many of the terms I read on your site and in your comments threads. What are things like “Samurai Scrote” and “I peed in a horse once”?

A: Over the years and among the brilliant regulars in the comments thread, many terms and expressions have taken root, and my best recommendation is to read the threads every day and all will become clear. Or simply create a profile and ask a regular for clarification on something you don’t understand. We’ve developed a bit of our own language here, but to describe the atrocities we see on a daily basis, new words were clearly needed.

Q: Aren’t all douchebags from Jersey?

A: While the douche force is strong in Jersey, it is not the only Typhoid Mary of the Grieco virus. Jersey Douches remain the most obvious of the mockable scumbuckets who continue to molest hotties on a daily basis, and they will always have a home here at HCwDB. But we also explore the secondary and tertiary douche. The tonguebags, the handbags, the cactus heads and yes even the Fratchoads.

Q: I’m in a picture and upset and would like you to remove it. How can I do that?

A: If you’re spiritually weak and cannot sustain the verbal beating you or your loved one morally deserves, simply email me at douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com, specify that it is you in the pic and you’d like it removed, and I will remove it. Or if a comment in the comments thread relays any personal information and I missed it (I don’t check all comments), email me and I will delete the comment.

Q: I think you’re a genius with six-pack abs and are completely un-’Baggy in your handsome visage. Other than wanting to celebrate your supreme physical superiority, how can I submit my HCwDB picture to be included on your site?

A: First off, thank you for the praise of my physical superiority. I am the Nietzschean ubermensch personified, so your praise is well justified. As to submitting pics, simply click on the “submit a pic” link at the top, or email me directly at douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com

Q: Can I submit a pic even if I did not take the pic?

A: Absolutely. But only if it has all the ingredients of a sick, disturbing, possibly arousing but most certainly headache inducing HCwDB combo effect. That means the photo must have one of each – one hot girl and one douched out jackass. Not one OR the other. Both. While I enjoy the bazillion prom photos people keep sending me, those pics don’t apply. Nor do six jackwad douchebags in a row with nary a hottie in sight. Please only send true HCwDB pics, and make sure the file sizes are small and the photos are at least 600 pixels wide.

Q: Who the hell are you?

A: Piss off.

Q: Are you on Facebook or Twitter?

A: I am on both. Facebook here and Twitter here

Q: Why do you call yourself “douchebag1”?

A: Because I’m a drunk and angry scrote myself, and I have to double fist bottles of tasty Night Train wine when I realize how many sweet, innocent young beauties are being groped by pathetic, greased up knobs as we speak.

Q: What’s the deal with the fact you tend to drink Night Train, PBRs, Thunderbird and Irish Rose?

A: It’s cheap, it’s good, and it’s cheap. And it tastes like your moms.

Q: What inspired you to create this site?

A: Your moms.

Q: What does HCwDB stand for?

A: Please leave. Now.

Ashlee's Poor Choices Continue

2009 Hottest Girl Next Door Hott finalist, Ashlee, still has a taste for the Fratchoad.

And for that, we are all complicit in culture fail.

Ashlee’s Poor Choices Continue

2009 Hottest Girl Next Door Hott finalist, Ashlee, still has a taste for the Fratchoad.

And for that, we are all complicit in culture fail.

No More Wednesday Limerick

All right, all you complaining that the freaky guy I included for creative fun for a Wednesday Limerick wasn’t strictly “douchey” enough on the purity test scale, I’m pulling it.

Instead you get this underwear revealing frattool, and a tasty girl next door.

A little classic fratchoad/hott to slap you upside the head.

Smell it. Smell it.

Now take it.

The Tampa Bay 'Bagganeer

Lauren writes in from Tampa:

—-
hola!

these guys are referred to as STD’s…. south tampa douchebags… just thought i’d share.

love love love your site
xoxo-
– lauren
—-

It is shocking to discover that even in places of high culture and historic resonance, like Tampa, Florida, there are douchescrotes at work. And by high culture, I mean strip club mecca. And by historic resonance, I mean fratchoads shouting “Wooo!” in Ybor City next to a plastic kiosk selling iPod accessories.

The Tampa Bay ‘Bagganeer

Lauren writes in from Tampa:

—-
hola!

these guys are referred to as STD’s…. south tampa douchebags… just thought i’d share.

love love love your site
xoxo-
– lauren
—-

It is shocking to discover that even in places of high culture and historic resonance, like Tampa, Florida, there are douchescrotes at work. And by high culture, I mean strip club mecca. And by historic resonance, I mean fratchoads shouting “Wooo!” in Ybor City next to a plastic kiosk selling iPod accessories.