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Predatorbag Saturday
If it gels, we can mock it.
Does this alien hunter of douche-prey ever wear a shirt?
HCwDB of the Week: Predatorbag
Your unshaven narrator on all things hott/douche, The DB1, had to get up at 5:30 and do a three minute interview with a radio program based out of Chicago called Mancow, so I’m a little groggy. I think the quasi-interview (was I even asked a question?) was taped during a commercial break, so I’m not sure it even aired, and I didn’t get to say much.
But it did come, in a Heathers moment of cleansing synchronicity, just after Mr. Mancow interviewed the actor who played “Billy” from Predator, who apparently is running for office in Kentucky on the “racist loon” ticket. Billy was going on about how we need to “kill all Arabs,” and other such classiness. Because if there’s anything talk radio needs, it’s more hatred.
But since Predatorbag won the Weekly, and Billy was interviewed before me, it’s all preordained.
City of Brotherly Scrote makes the case:
My vote goes to Predatorbag. His abs reek of Preparation H, he’s got the look of smug arrogance on his face, there’s really no reason for his shirt to be off, and lets face it, the hott is eye-humping the camera like it’s nobody’s business and we can all enjoy that. You suck Predatorbag. I hate you.
Predatorbag FTW.
CoBS, you have hit the nail on the shirtless head. doucheous nero expands on the theory:
Predator FTW. The hallmark of scrotal achievement is when the douche, being human, makes himself look not-human. When the faux that is douche manifests itself physically and beyond mere adornment. The marquee example of this would be the millennium bag. The Predator has achieved such a manifestation, setting himself apart from his competitors.
“The Post-Human in the Age of the Spectacle” in the title of my next Cultural Studies book. I plan to use Critical Race Theory and Post-Feminist Gender Theory in my thesis. Or maybe not. And Sir Douchey reminds us not to forget the core douche factors:
I vote for Predatorbag. Out of context shirtlessness is a big factor in my decision making
Well said, S.D. And ufo destroyers:
I vote Predatorbag due to the fact that he is one of the malformed Jerz Guidos dancing in the middle of the street in the video. Or at least he had withing 15 minutes of taking this pic. And she has tresses like Athena and mounds like Vesuvius coming out of the clamshell with Venus. Also both of them don’t rate to a bag of mulch on the IQ scale — combined.
Heh, he said Vesuvius. But ned’s atomic douchebin reminds us that hott/choad dialectic is where true enlightenment is found:
Predatorbag is the biggest douche. Ice Man’s hott is the hottest. Did anybody mention them hindquarters? But these two are not coupled together resulting in a cancel out. So, I’ll go with Pimpit for the win.
And Jean Claude Van Douche agrees on casting in with Pimpit and his Stage-4 Bleeth:
I have to vote for Pimpit and Paris. Their combined douche/bleethness has me wanting to take a cold shower using said skin-wrapped flatulence, whilst cursing the gods for allowing the existence of such undeniably moronic “hey look at us” scrotal ovulatory filth to inhabit space in this dimension. Pimpit FTW!
That was a glorious sentence, JCvD. While the perfectly formed assedness of the hott pictured in Ice Man came in third, it did so with a core group of hiney worship, as The Cantaloupe Pharalope explains:
I would train hippopotamae to play the banjo, the fiddle, the jug bass, the jug itself, a tin triangle and other redneck instruments and then throw cantaloupes at them as they drove by on the Clampett’s truck playing Ride of the Valkyries if someone told me that her mean big sister didn’t like melons or self-conscious travelling bovine musicians.
Genius, C.P.
Both Scare-A-Douche and blondiedouche provide eloquent treatises in the comments thread too long to cut-n-paste here, but I highly recommend reading the full thread. It is top quality ‘bag discourse, as always.
But this was Predatorbag’s week to fill the fourth and final slot in Monday’s Monthly. douche diggler brings it home:
the Predator Bag has an evil face, like Chucky, but it is made that more terrifying due to its primordial shininess … then there is the weirdly shaped torso that I am pretty sure he crafted by attempting to mirror my shirtless Sgt. Slaughter figurine from 1986 … he is Douchemary’s Baby.
It must be him.
Chalk up the Predatorbag and Gum Snapping Hott for the win, and we’ll see them on Monday in the Monthly.
Predatorbag
Get to the choppah!!
Comment of the Week: Olddog1
Olddog1 starts off on a boobie rant, and ends up wistfully pondering Sarah Michelle Geller’s career, in the Moaz Has High Hair thread and wins the coveted HCwDB Comment of the Week:
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She looks like Paris Hilton, with boobs. Or at least slightly larger boobs. Maybe Paris’s younger, better looking sister. She does not look like Buffy. SMG was never that cute. BTW, I am and always will be a big Buffy fan, but face it, SMG was only picked because she was little and she had worked on soap operas. Fox thought she might have a following and they thought they were getting a teen soap. Boy were they wrong.
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Guidoverload
Yes the choad to hott ratio is radically out of balance in this pic.
But it’s Saturday, and your humble narrator’s cheap wine consumption as he chases indy art hotts across the East Village has knocked him off kilter. So this is the best I can come up with today.
Speaking of taint, is that Predatorbag on the far left? Get to the choppahhh!!!
HCwDB of the Month
Here it is, fellow ‘bag hunters. Live from San Francisco. The moment when the four couplings of grease and boobie come together to Bodyspray off for title of HCwDB of the Month and a slot in the Yearly at the 2008 Douchies in December.
Which of these four couplings most personifies all that is wrong in a culture of spectacle gone scrote?
That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to your vote. Here are your four finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Predatorbag
Because I never get tired of shouting Get to the choppa!! and because the 1985 macho classic remains indelibly linked to my childhood, Predatorbag deserves respek.
He is the bastard love child of Ahnold and the Predator. Half human, half four jawed alien Rastah hunter.
Pitch it in 50 words or less, Mr. Silver? He is “World’s Most Dangerous Game” meets “Platoon” meets “Saturday Night Fever”!
If it greases, we can mock it.
She may not rise to a state of pure feminine ivory snow, but she is still soapy. She can offer rays of hope in a dark, thunderous storm.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: A.D. Artificial Douchetelligence
What is a spectacular sample of otherworldly robotic uberscrote is hampered only by a high Bleeth factor on the girls.
While many pics have risen purely on the power of the douchal blight or the sexy hott, it is in the combination, the dialectic, between both that we find enlightement.
That being said, A.D. is so fantastically wrong, is such a perfect embodiment of all that is American Douche, it is hard to deny his uniqueness.
The girls may be 18 and already dropouts from the Long Island Institute for Follicular Studies, but they do have a certain bouncy charm.
But enough to help A.D. take the Monthly?
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Lawnmower Man 
Our third titular reference to a classic sci-fi movie (and I really need to find other genres to crib from), The Lawnmower Man may be the only scrotal contestant on the site to purchase the Weed Wacker instead of the Flowbee.
I would ask Jamba Juice to make me a shot of wheatgrass from that fungus on his head. But it would probably taste like shoe.
However we must deduct points for the potential costumeyness of St. Patrick’s Day. But then we add those points back when we realize Lawnmower Man has a second, even douchier, pic, complete with hott licking.
But enough to take the prize? He has to be ranked as a longshot. But Reese is delightful. Can Lawnmower Man pull a Buster Douglas and take down the favorites? It’s happened before.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Droopy McScrote
The odds-on favorite to take the prize, Droopy and Surfer Kelly were immediate hits when they first appeared on HCwDB.
She, for the toned, taught body and walnut crushing thighs that promised hints of a summer breeze by the shore while lying languidly on a beach towel, followed by nights of spanking your bottom with a extra-long piece of licorice while calling you “Thor the Ass Hunter!”
He, for the stretch marks and aging gangsta choadishness.
This is a mighty couple indeed. But the winner isn’t announced until the votes are counted.
Will the Monthly go to the alien shirtless Predatorbag? Or the robotic A.D. and his double serving of trampy hotts? Will it be the Lawnmower Bag? Or do Droopy McScrote and Surfer Kelly overpower all?
That, fellow hotts, ‘bags, ‘bag hunters and midgets named Pepe, is up to you.
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
HCwDB of the Week
Here it is, fellow ‘bag hunters. The final HCwDB of the Week to select the fourth slot for next week’s HCwDB of the Month Scrote-Off.
This week’s cuts of hott/choad have a strange sort of symmetry. Each coupling seems to be in nearly the same position as the others. As if the gods are saying, See the patterns… mock the scrotewanks… for we are all one…
I talk to the gods a lot. Especially Poseidon. That dude cracks me up.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Predatorbag
For bringing back nostalgic memories of jungle-hiding aliens who can take out Bill Duke and Action Jackson with a single blast, Predatorbag has to get a nom.
And besides. I never get tired of screaming get to the choppah!!
Screamed it once during a safari at an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got into my pajamas, I’ll never know.
The blonde is girl-next-door cute. Not model-hott overwhelming, but sexy enough that you’d sneak out during your parents pool party during spring break just to catch a glimpse of her in a bikini. At which point you’d soil yourself.
Which is embarrassing. Who soils themselves in their 20s?
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Pimpit
There’s much to be said for the colliding wrong of the hott/choad in this pic.
Pimpit brings the brand-name douchal infection to new heights, while blondie invokes the power of the Douchadox — the moment when ‘bag hunter is simultaneously attracted to and repulsed by the Bleethed out hott.
Her curves are fine.
His lip-ring harkons the ethos of herp sore metaphor.
Together, they make a douchal peanut butter cup.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Ice Man
As with Pimpit, Ice Man didn’t immediately jump out at me as a Weekly Finalist.
But then the truth and beauty of Ice Man’s Ass Woman sunk in. As Chowda So Good You’ll Lick Your Bowls put it:
I bet when sweet Jenny’s delicious salad shooter produces a dainty little movement, it comes out in a cute little jewelry box wrapped in gold foil complete with a bow right before an angel gently glides by to whisk it away from her magnificent bottom.
Jenny’s ass does not poop. It creates harmonic symphonies that vibrate across the universe and inspire imperfections in expanding universes that create planets who can only dream of cooling enough in billions of years to produce organic matter with as curvy an ass as Jenny’s ass.
And Ice Man is the everybag. Douchey enough to inspire rage, even without the bling and hand gestures. But enough to take the Weekly?
That, my friends, is up to you.
Honorable mention to The Boobie Epiphany and The Weatherhead, both of whom just missed the cut.
Them’s your three. Which coupling combines the best/worst of the thighs/scrote to merit a win? Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
