Hot Chicks with Douchebags

Friday Thoughts and Links

2010-03-05T12:46:00.000-08:00

What is the importance of Ubiquitous Red Cup?

URC grounds us as it guides us. It is the blank canvas that allows us to focus our deepest projections of childhood memory. The Primal Scene returned uponst douchebag and hot chick. Images mass replicated and reproduced without tactility through the pixel and the screen that become collective hallucinations of each of our individual longing for the unattainable in our earliest cognitive development.

Or, as Lacan might argue, URC is our objet petit a. The signifier of the lack through the solid color of abstraction. Yet, given its function as that most primitive of vessel -- the bringer of liquid -- it also has systemic function. The bestower of life. It is here, where URC cuts through culture spectacle and reminds us of corporeal need, and therefore truth.

Conclusion: The DB1 needs more boobie hottie suckle thigh.

Here's your links:

Attention New Zealand 'Bag Hunters! MTV New Zealand is now airing Is She Really Going Out With Him? weekdays at 8:30pm. Checkitout, and let me know if you're seeing it in Middle Earth.

Brooklyn Hipsterbags and Parents face-off in a douchefest of annoyance. I can't tell which is more annoying, the Hipsterbags, the Parents, or the fact that CNN now uses "hipster" as a descriptive term.

Nothing But Skulls. Bringing pre-packaged and mass marketed rebellion product to bland suburban strip-malls since 2010.

Two cast members of The Jersey Shore escaped injury when the roof collapsed at a Purim Party they were hosting. The previous sentence will confound Kabbalah rabbis for many a generation.

Skweezy Jibbs is my hero. "Barack Obama muthaf*cka."

And what's this, ladies? Skweezy is single and available and has a profile on OK Cupid? "SOCRITES AND PLAYDOUGH IS COOL."

Ed Hardy invades a tech trade show and ruins an ass pear.

Speaking of classic 1980s proto-scrotewankery, The Karate Kid II's Chozen Togushi was classic retrodouche.

I Peed in a Horse Once: the story of a Darksock, an internet, and the beginnings of a legend.

Anyone who didn't think HCwDB finalist Shiyen was hott, for shame, people. Have some Shiyen Ass Pear.

Not enough? Okay, here ya go.

Four Pear.

What's that? The DB1 is feeling generous? Okay, one more:

Deck Pear.

Because as Blogger goes into its death spiral, the DB1 is about to jump ship to a brand new website. The HoHos are fresh. Life is good. Go forth and multiply, Hunters and Huntresses. For the guava is ripe.

Luane Rides the Faux

2010-03-05T11:19:00.000-08:00

HCwDB of the Week hott-side winner Luane rides Corporal Faux and finds not one, but two, URCs in sharktooth infested waters.

Remember, fellow 'bag hunters, the URC guides us, binds us, penetrates us. But it also follows our commands.

Ask DB1: Angry Hot Chicks?

2010-03-05T09:14:00.000-08:00

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Hello Sir:

I love your website, HCWDB is great fun. Your writing is insightful, eloquent and, at times, poetic. I’m someone who finds humor in those who lack awareness of their own folly.

I do have a request, and if you could be so gracious as to grant it, it would be appreciated. Can you print the angry letters you get from some of the lovely ladies? I have found their (misspelled) words and their (stunning) (mis)use of grammar to be a wonderful read. If you have received numerous letters, perhaps a small column might be in order.

Thank you, and keep up the good work, because sometimes it is such fun to be judg-mental

S.G. from Michigan
----

Every brilliant email I receive accusing me of being a "hatter" gets published on the site. Unfortunately of late, the playahs have not been writing in as much. Which only means one thing: We need to mock harder.

Friday Haiku

2010-03-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

Spandex Rabbit Turd,
Gets Blair to fondle his nads,
In grade school rec room.

Turn your head and cough
You Rainbow bright Douchebag Fool
Nurse Cutie hates you.

- Douche Wayne

Ted's garb inspired by
Whitney Houston video
And grandpa's sock drawer

- Yahoo Scrotius

New Yankees uni
Will be worn for away games
Blair gives a cup check

- Vin Douchal

80's unitard.
American Apparel
You suck so badly.

- End the Haberdouchery

Jim Halpert clone lets
Karen feel his junk on new
show: "The Orifice."

- Bagnonymous

Angela answers,
When asked what his schlong feels like:
"A baby carrot."

- scrotum pole

First grade teacher Jen
Brings Douchebag to show-n-tell
Says 'Stay in School, Kids!'

-- Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Technicolor Douche
In a pro-Wrestling Onesie
Yuck! No! Don't touch it!

- Pablo Sinatra

Susie cries with glee
at her first touch of a real
tiny mangina.

- Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche

Sadistic teacher
Plus swole tongued man-tard:
Sackless meat puppet.

- Captain Bringdown

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K

2010-03-04T14:31:00.000-08:00

Like shirtless greased up taintlickers with unearned Maori ab-tatts hitting on young Carly Simon. It's enough to inspire your humble narrator to kick back and enjoy a tasty Ubiquitous Red Cup of quality Night Train Express fine fortified wine.

For, after downing a few bottles, I have a confession to make.

Once, while traveling with Bedouin oxen herders by camel through outer Uzbekistan, in a fit of pique I slapped a migrant Armenian named Armen with a dead halibut for bruising my lettuce.

It's not really relevant to this post. But it's been bothering me and I needed to share.

Breaking: New Orleans Club Bans Jersey Shore Type Douches

2010-03-04T13:10:00.000-08:00

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New Orleans Club Bans Jersey Shore-alikes

Nobody wants a douchebag in their establishment, and New Orleans club Republic has taken their ban visual with their anti-Jersey Shore poster campaign. Among the banned labels are the usual suspects (Affliction, Ed Hardy and Christian Audigier), though there is curiously no mention of no fist pumping...
-----

article.

I ran a link to this last Friday, but so many people are sending it in as proof positive that HCwDB's war on Scrote has its victories, that it's worth celebrating again.

Fellow 'Bag Hunters, hold this moment dear in your hearts when it feels like our battles against the Ed Hardpocalypse are being lost.

There are victories out there. But we must keep up the mock if we're ever to save Hott from Choad.

The Nuzz Monkey

2010-03-04T11:02:00.000-08:00

I love a good neck nibble as much as the next guy. More so even.

But when you're wearing tight pleather, spiked your hair up like a windblown post-Katrina Chia Pet and are more concerned with the camera than the boobies below, you is a 'bag.

Stephanie's biological clock is about to ding to "Minivan Driving PTA Mom," but she's hangin' on the clubs with a bedazzled iPhone for as long as she can.

So for that, we salute her.

And by salute her, I mean tasty Frosted Flakes.

The New HCwDB

2010-03-04T09:05:00.000-08:00

Heavily into the design of HCwDB 2 and need your feedback.

Which of the following headbanners most grabs your hooha and plays with your winkydink?

(please ignore spelling errors, designers tend to be visual folk)

Version C

Version E

Version F

The only difference between the three is the headbanners, and the black diamond is for the HCwDB logo (still in progress, as you can see).

Thoughts? Feeback? HoHos?

Also if any designers out there thinks they can do better and wants to take a crack at the logo or the headbanner, please do so. If I use it for the site you'll get a free signed copy of my book, a hearty handshake and a napkin.

Mountains of Marmalade

2010-03-04T07:02:00.000-08:00

Hark! Oh soft squishy flesh fabric,
How I'd squeeze each of thee lightly,
Yet with consistent conviction and determined pressure,
Like a stress ball they used to sell at The Sharper Image,
Before The Sharper Image went out of business,
Because no one needed a glass static ball thingy,
Or a digital talking pen,
Your older friend Sharon seems sweet,
She can watch me grope,
But not Sleazy Ken,
For his chin pubes are rank.

HCwDB After Dark: Maryanne and the Pinwheel

2010-03-03T16:29:00.000-08:00

Haven't done an HCwDB After Dark for my late night readers in awhile, so this one's for us.

C'mon in!

There are towels by the fridge. Pull up one of those sofa chairs I had imported from Bangledesh. Grab some chocolate covered gummi worms and a tasty Mr. Pibb over at my portable soda counter.

For it's late night After-Hours HCwDB.

And, as Dick Miller says, there are different rules around here.

Plaster of Paris bagel paperweights.

Or shouting Surrender Dorothy after having sex with Roseanna Arquette.

Fill in the Blanks: "Maryanne Gets ....pped"

2010-03-03T13:08:00.000-08:00

"Whipped"?

"Gypped?"

"Snipped"?

The Dorm Hole

2010-03-03T11:19:00.000-08:00

Ubiquitous Red Cup tells us that this foursquare of poo is unredeemable Jerz crank flushitude.

Except for Marnie on the left. Who is awkward and shy. And only wears Ed Hardy because she developed at a young age and is still terrified by all the attention her boobies bring.

But I would not focus on her boobies, like everyone else. Instead, I would gnaw her ankles lightly, and with a touch of wasabe.

Until she called down to the lobby to ask the R.A. to have me removed from the premises. Since I'm not a student.

And I'd leave quietly.

A Boy Named Poo

2010-03-03T09:12:00.000-08:00

Johnny Cash just set his guitar on fire in the afterlife.

EDIT: The comments thread regs respond:

AV: Who did those tats? A 2nd grader on ritalin with a sharpie? Sweet Cleetus.

Mr. White: Poo traveled the country, talking to students at high schools, to act as a warning against getting drunk and trying to tattoo yourself with a Spirograph.

Vin Douchal: excuse me while I lift my dog's tail and stare at his quivering pucker to improve my mood

Fat, Drunk and Douchey: Isn't A Boy Named Poo the b-side to the song One Bleeth at a Time? I need to wipe down my screen with Valtrex because of this photo. And my eyes with bleach.

Captain Bringdown: Please God, I hope one of those lines is labeled "Cut Here".

Publius Choadius Naso: That tat looks just like the shit that the Iron Maiden fans used to draw in their Theology notebooks just to piss of the teacher.

End the Haberdouchery: Congratulations kid, you're an Ed Hardy coloring book. Way to be a f*cking badass.

robert: I may no longer be able to reproduce after seeing this much unadulterated douche/bleethe mix.

(yup, I'm cut-n-paste happy since today was Weekly day)

HCwDB of the Week: Captain Rehab and Luane

2010-03-03T07:11:00.000-08:00

A tough three-way split in very tight voting. And by tight, I mean Zebra boobies. But with a three douche run including Where's Trojan Helmet?, Corporal Faux and Corporal Faux in the Water, Ubiquitous Luane brought Ubiquitous Red Cup and Capt. Rehab to a peak shaped win. The voters speak:

memphis doucheworkers local 421: captain rehab and luanne, for introducing herpes into somebody's water supply

Tony Ventresca: My vote goes to the Captain & Luana, but a close second to the Cartoonbags, and ONLY because Luana is hotter than Kara and obviously a human female instead of the plastic Auton that is Kara.

Bob: I give it to the Captain and Luane for the natural boobage, and stupid shades, fauxhawk, dumb tatts, URC, and a SPW.

Dex: Rehab, on the other hand, has a head that is much too big. Much much too big. So if I were to push him over to see if whatever holding his hair up was water-soluble or not, I feel confident there wouldn't be any repercussions. And Luane looks like she might be into that sort of thing. I'd push over an entire army of terracotta warriors domino-style for her.

Douchesquire: Though the angle is wrong, you can see the supple back arch and out-thrust butt, leading me to believe she likes it from behind, which is a winner. He jut sucks, for all the reasons that are glaringly apparent. Especially those glasses. And pink shorts. And 6 lb watch. And close encounters faux-hawk. And ear bling. etc. there needs to be some chlorine added to that gene pool.

Captain Bringdown: Captain Rehab is a synergistic scrotisserie of poor choices that began the moment his club foot hit the hotel rug that morning. Each painful decision apparently scrutinized for the ability to maximizing his appeal to rapists of midget Elvis impersonators or cognitively disabled UFO cultists. If Jim Jones and Marshall Applewhite had a butt-love baby born in the throes of auto-erotic asphyxiation with its own rectal umbilical cord, this is how it would dress.

LCDouche Scrotesystem: The reason Cap'n gets my salute, however, is his overall effect on me. He didn't wake up a douche... he had the costume hanging up ready to go, though. He's really TRYING to squeeze every last douch-drop out of his bloated Gunt. He is in this fight for the long haul, no matter how many people he nauseates along the way.

Ashfish: If only he had been standing in Hilo Bay when this was taken, he could have gotten taken out in the tsunami surges.If we're lucky, those green skulls will come to life and eat out his heart. Yeah, I'm grumpy.

Maxim Kovalenko: Captain Rehab FTW. I had something scathing and epic written for this one, but conflicting edits killed it, just like the DNA gray water in this picture is killing my soul.

Douche Mengia: Arrrr Captain rehab for spreading the douche scurvy (herps) to schools of sluts and fish. Cancer to the eyes of your mother. And by mother, I mean YOU.

TheReverendDoom: Capt Retard and the hott Luane for the win... Luane is all sorts of hot and the Captain looks like he held in a giant pencil sharpener for 10 minutes that day.

Abdouchah the Butcher: I'm going with the Captain and Luanne because he is total buffoon 'bag overdrive and she strikes my fancy. Which I like.

There's just no beating cloudy water, fungal tatts, six pound watch and douche-hair, people. Anyone who doesn't see the uberdouche and pseudo-librarian hottness/skankness of confusion in this pic has become too jaded by hottie/douchey cohabit. However, almost winning and coming in a very close second was the outrageousness of Cara and Toon:

clamfist: Cartoon bags ftw. If asked to draw the perfect douche couple, this is what I would come up with. Of course, you would have to use your imagination, because all I can draw is stick figures.

Dr. DB: Toon Bag - he actually perpetuates the Douche virus with his tough persona, as the younger crowd will try to emulate his style. This is why he must be stopped. And by stopped I mean mocked behind a blogger name, because honestly he frightens me.

MoeDouche: Cartoonbags FTW! I just want to see Kara's silicon-filled balloons again in the monthly drawing.

boatbutter: I don't want to vote for the Cartoonbags because they're over the top and we've seen a million of their tribe, but that's also exactly why I have to. Thus if the Paradox of Douche.

Charles Nelson Douchely: Even though Kara auditioning for "Nanny Dickering: The Motion Picture", I must acknowledge the successful mixture of a douchey shirt with ridiculous tats, my vote has to go towards Toon.

Poor Shiyen and her assorted DJ Douches. So innocent, but not enough to gain the support of true hottie/douchey toxicity. But still, enough to pull some votes just for sexy eyes.

jimmymanners: I'd call it for toon easily if Kara was an actual hott. But she ain't. Rehab would beat DJ SB by himself, but I likes me some Shiyen. Since Luane and Shiyen both brought it multiple ways I'm going on the totality of their work. Shiyen and DJ SB FTW.

IRA Darth Aggie: Cartoonbags FTW. The hotts are all hot, the 'bags are all poo. But you can not escape the douchiness of Cartoonbags, as they epitomize what is wrong with the choad & bleeth crowd.

Mr. White: I'm sick of cartoon bags and yearn for a simpler, subtler bag, one who smells faintly of pee and weed. And that is DJ Smelly Bottom. And more importantly, the sexy, thunderous thighs of Shiyen. Shiyen and her parade of douche FTW.

ehcuodouche: DJ Smelly Bottom has the most punchworthy face, and he's soiling my precious Shi-yen. Damn you douchebags! Damn you all to hell!

Fat, Drunk and Douchey: I am going to have to go with Shiyen. She is like the United Colors of Bennetton of Douche. She is the United Nations of Scrote. She culls the worst that all races have to offer and presents them for our viewing displeasure. She even brings in Toon Bag for a guest appearance. And I would happily gnaw on her thighs like a tiny badger with a napoleon complex.

gaijindouche: Gonna go with Shiyen and whoever. The other two bleeths make me want to give them a sandwich. If I want ribs I'll go out for bbq. Shiyen makes me want to tie her up and beg for various things. Safety word is "banana".

scrotum pole: At a solid 73, Smelly Bottom is just three IQ points above the developmental disibility exemption, but he gets the win nevertheless. My idea of the perfect afternoon would include Shiyen's thighs, a bottle of merlot and an epilady.

Em: DJ Smelly could probably take the cap off and be a notta but he just simply will not. And Shiyen... Shiyen is perfection incarnate and I would pick up, polish, frame and hang on my wall her fake nail should one fall off.

I'm glad others appreciate the real world confusion of Shiyen's tasty attractiveness. But this was Rehab and Luane's week to shine. And by shine, I mean crap on our virtual collective. Lets let just a douchalo take us home:

A faux-hawk doesn't guarantee the win but when your presence, albeit only ankle deep, in an otherwise pristine body of fresh water makes it look like my Sunday morning (okay,early afternoon)vomit of Tanqueray and cocktail olives, you're a douchebag...and winner. Captain Rehab and Ubiquitous Luane FTW. Now someone please fire up the Evinrude and chop this 165 pounds of ass lint into chum.

Exactly. The only thing potentially pulling this pic away from greatness is Luane's Bleethitude. But librarian glasses count for a lot. And so our final slot before the HCwDB of the Month on Monday has been filled. Who will take the second slot, after Stackhouse, at the 2010 Douchie Awards?

Dennis 'Bag Tags a Baby Carrot

2010-03-02T14:38:00.000-08:00

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What up douche1,

Was at a little soiree during the summer. There was a drunk, jersey shore-type goon hitting on my girlfriend. I snapped this picture of him quickly with my girlfriend's camera, while he tried to swoon her.

Total clown.... 'Cept he kept tellin my girlfriend that his schmeck was comparable to a baby carrot, kinda gave him points for that number....

-Dennis
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Good work, Dennis. When the chin pubes begin to resemble the door lines on the 2010 Audi A5, you know you've tagged an uberdouche.

The Savior 'Bag and the Holy Red Cup

2010-03-02T12:39:00.000-08:00

And the Savior 'Bag said unto his flock, "When you drink from Ubiquitous Red Cup, this is my taint you taste. And when you make hand gestures to show the world that you are "Woo!," it is my hand gestures that you make. Remember me when you drink and Woo."

-- Corinthians Leather, 4:20

Ubiquitous Luane and Corporal Faux Cloud the Water

2010-03-02T11:13:00.000-08:00

Not content simply to compete in the HCwDB of the Week with Captain Rehab, Luane's brought Corporal Faux to her Army of the Unwashed.

Gonna be tough to beat that level of cloudy taint-water.

Looks like Luane's in the lead to win the Weekly.

Freddie Von Gimp

2010-03-02T09:02:00.000-08:00

Sure, by day Freddie sells washer/dryer repair parts, wholesale, at various swap meets across the greater Atlanta tri-region area.

But by night, Freddie Von Gimp knows that, to dazzle Brenda, all he needs is:

1. Guyliner

2. Hair gel

3. The dried penis of a tiger shark for potency, should Brenda desire humpty hump at 2:17 am.

Lucky for the future of society, culture and the arts and sciences, Brenda will not desire humpty hump at 2:17am.

Shiyen's Upset She's Trailing in the HCwDB of the Week

2010-03-02T07:00:00.000-08:00

Shiyen's planning on spending the next twenty minutes cuddling with this guy she affectionally terms, "Gwai-Lo Buddha" until more people vote for her.

Good luck, Shiyen.

Not sure it's going to win you the Weekly, but I admire your douche-cuddling efforts.

And by admire, I mean mock whimsically.

The Termigator

2010-03-01T15:20:00.000-08:00

Because twatwaffling isn't an age.

It's a state of mind.

Suburban Chaos

2010-03-01T13:22:00.000-08:00

Because nothing says "chaos" like bland suburban strip-mall malaise housing projects with cookie cutter pools, Ubiquitous Red Cup, and cartoon swim jammies.

Anita thinks that if Brad really does buy that Harley he's always talking about, then he really will be the biggest badass living at Glen Ross Estates near Tuscon.

Blurry Bathroom Choads Voted

2010-03-01T11:10:00.000-08:00

Blurry Bathroom Choads and Southern Hooch Hott voted in the HCwDB of the Week, while showing off toxic GSR (Groin Shave Reveal).

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Week

2010-03-01T07:02:00.000-08:00

A quiet weekend on the HCwDB alpaca ranch for your humble narrator. I watered the Azaleas. I groomed the Gila Monsters and milked the kumquats. Now it's time to get down to bidness.

Here's your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Shiyen and DJ Smelly Bottom

Shiyen's adventures in douchescrotery continued here and here.

It's about time we bring a HCwDB of the week that inolves a hott entering the world of douche, and not the other way around.

Shiyen is most certainly hottness. Anyone who doubts her attractiveness should juggle a kumquat.

Yet more significantly, her journey into the land of uberscrote is what this site is designed to document and expose to the disinfecting light of societal mock.

Like dudes with lip rails and "Rockstar" hats. And Shiyen's bitable thigh.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Cartoonbags, aka Kara and Toon.

Spectacle of uberdouchosity in the club? MMA/UFC hyper masculine "tough" guy" with carefully trimmed chin pube dribble? Gach.

Boobies that implode like Cadmium-9 in the Haldron Supercollider?

We have it here.

Toon is superhuman uberdouchian.

Kara is enhanced curves of surgical assistance lust.

Boobies?

Yes.

Yes.

And Yes.

Together, they make Affliction.

But is the skank factor enough to unbalance the hottie/douchey equation so as not to win the HCwDB of the Week? That remains to be seen.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Captain Rehab and Ubiquitous Luane

How ubiquitous is Luane?

She appeared in Where's Trojan Helmet? as well as with another greasy Vegas choad in the site update post.

In each pic she looks to be gnawable pseudo-librarian with a healthy dash of raunch skank.

Which was an early recipe practiced by the Quakers.

In each pic she cuddles with or near a pustule. For that, for bringing Ubiquitous Red Cup with her in her nomination pic, and for Captain Rehab's pollution of water, this pic is a worthy coupling indeed.

(Dis)honorable mention to Mandarin Orange, who goes straight to our hallowed Closet of Poo, the quality hottness of the Giggle Hotties at the Grande Cafe, as well as the quality hottness of Brunette Clarissa who may well get her shot at the 2010 Douchies for Girl Next Door Hottness.

But three may enter.

Only one may emerge poo-torious.

Which of these three pics has that perfect balance of scrotey choadey and sexy thigh gnaw?

Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

Adam Carolla Breaks down HCwDB

2010-02-28T09:02:00.000-08:00

For those who missed this last year, bernethy sets an Adam Carolla monologue to pics from HCwDB. An enjoyable rant for a Sunday.

EDIT: Some in the comments thread wonder if I support the central thesis that Carolla posits. I do not. While I feel Carolla articulates the central paradox at the heart of douche culture, he does not examine the impact of mass culture shift that is always possible in our perpetually renegotiated media space. Uberchoads of scrotal spectacle were not inscribed as sexually viable until very recently, beginning in the early 00s with the rise of the metro boy bands. Culture can and will shift again, through the power of collective mock.

Mandarin Orange

2010-02-27T11:20:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure Alison and Samantha asked for no MSG with their Orange Chicken.

Looks like our hallowed Closet of Poo is about to gain its newest member.