Ask DB1

    Thursday, April 25, 2013

    Ask DB1: The Bleeth/Baguette Dichotomy

    a98744d9e89c51a198469d89dc1dae20_vice_390
    ——
    This picture begs the question: Can a female be a douche? Or is the evidence of a rampant Bleeth-soul-infestation (coke/meth’d out expression/plaything to smeared-mascara-lit-to-their eyeballs-party-choads) enough to condemn her for her poor recreational choices while, at the same time, praying for her soul?

    For as much as we want to save the Bleeth, we must use equal efforts to mock the slime who tempt and destroy them.

    But something tells me this young lass had as much to do with her dignity’s defenestration as any of the dudes in the picture. Thus, must she be considered every bit the douchebag as the dudes — just as she must have been considered a likely candidate for a double or triple penetration sometime later in the evening depicted.

    I will take my answer off the air.

    Choad the Douche Sprocket
    ——

    Not all Bleeths can be saved. As mentioned in this bestselling book of 2008/2009, stage-3 and stage-4 Bleeths are beyond hope, and should be mocked in accordance with the proper bylaws of standard douche mocking.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, February 20, 2013

    Ask DB1: Pudwanks Who Salsa

    Salsa——————–
    Hi DB1,

    I started learning salsa dancing in 2011. It’s not an easy dance to learn and can take up to 2 years or so before a lead dancer is truly good at it. Even then, a lot of the leads still take lessons to hone their dancing skills even further.

    Because salsa dancing takes actual talent, the salsa clubs in St. Louis, where I was started learning how to dance, were blissfully douchebag/bleeth free. Since I moved to Florida, there has been some douchebag “creep” onto the dance floor (mostly hair gel and Affliction t-shirts), but still not near the infestation that a regular house music club would see.

    So what is this pudwank’s deal? Is there a special douchebag version of salsa dancing done in Dallas? I mean, look at all the signifiers in this picture: backwards ball cap, pseudo-gangland sign, ab reveal, stupid-ass smirk. There’s no way this dude can dance salsa, or if he can, he can’t dress himself. At a real salsa club, he’d be the guy holding a drink off the dance floor, talking big but never asking a girl to dance.

    - Douche ex Machina
    ——————

    “Douchecreep.” I like it. Let us define it as the moment in which choadwankery moves into various subcultures in which it has no rightful place.

    Like knitting.

    And tiddlywinks.

    And lets get some Pear Counterbalance all up in this shiznit.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, February 11, 2013

    Ask DB1: Economic Recession and Poppin’ Bottles

    image1————-
    Dear DB1,

    I’ve been wondering if the wretched state of out economy has finally caught up to douchebag culture.

    Less and less are we seeing $100 bottle service baggery, we see Ed Hardy tanking as a business.

    The jeans de rigueur such as True Religion, Diesel et al with the garish back pockets & button flaps a thing of the past.

    Can one surmise that the one good thing to come out of the economic raping of our society has been less dbaggery? or has it just shifted to another subclass?

    Yours in mock

    ETD?
    ————–

    When I first began HCwDB, wayyyyy back in 2006 (1912 in human-to-internet years), we were still a nation of credit-card living assmunch.  A heaping collection of head-in-rectus delusional nitwits that thought tilted baseball caps and popped collars looked good and invading Iraq was a swell idea.

    A land of moronitude in which image, excess, and primal urges superceded rational thought and critical perspective.

    We now live in very different times. Douchebaggery continues strongly, albeit in recoded forms such as herpsterbags and John Mayer. So it is still very much there.  But the credit-card excesses of the mid 2000s are thankfully, washed away, leaving only recession, debt, and economic disaster in their wake.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, January 16, 2013

    Ask DB1: Are “Nice Guys” the new Douchebag?

    YoungPeterFramptonGets Lucky————–
    DB1 –

    I’m assuming that you’ve seen this Tumblr.

    Yes, I enjoy the mocking on a superficial level, but upon deeper reflection this phenomenon poses serious questions for ‘Bag Hunters/tresses – Can you be so anti-douche that you become autodouche?
    I feel this is the fate that befell the Herpsters – they wanted to be so non-Grieco they succeeded in transcending Greico. Then they bought “portable” turntables (sorry just spent some time in Brooklyn and I still feel unclean). Same with Goth’bags – they wanted to distance themselves so far from jock assholes, they became their own subset of asshole.

    Nearly every one of the guys pictured in the blog makes some anti-douchebag reference, and how they (enlightened as they are) are SO NOT douchebags. Yet the evidence doesn’t lie – douches, one and all. I propose a new “nice guy” class of Bag – the Fedorabag. Possibly the Sadsack’bag (I leave that to your editorial discretion). Just like your garden variety Vegas pool’bag, they try so hard not to suck but wind up sucking because of it. Instead of bling and tatts, they sport an “aw shucks” smile and affected self deprecation. And fedoras, apparently.

    Are these guys in douche denial? Or have they run so far down the Douche ladder, they wound up at the top in some cosmic Moebius Strip of asshattery? Much like the shrinking middle class, are honest-to-god-non-douches becoming extinct?

    Douche Wayne
    ——–

    Remember Grasshopper, in one model of the universe, the shortest distance between two points is a line in the opposite direction.

    EDIT: Link to “Nice Guys of OK Cupid” fixed as tumblr was taken down.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 15, 2013

    Ask DB1: NBAbags?

    tumblr_m1xc06SiJ91qhqhmto1_1280
    ——————–
    Hey,

    Just wanted to start off by letting you know what a fantastic job I think you’re doing and I check your website several times a day, so thanks a lot!

    With that being said, I think there is an entire demographic here being overlooked. As an avid basketball player and fan, I have watched the NBA nearly all my life, so I have had the misfortune of watching the players, on and off the court, degenerate into uber-soft, uber-whiney, dare I say, douchebags.

    I watch an NBA game nearly every day and shake my head and curl my lip in disgust when presented with a postgame interview of yet another self absorbed, overpaid player! I generally hate the overuse of exclamation punctuation, but I feel it is necessary here as it befits my overall rage and disgust as our culture becomes more flashy and fake with each passing moment.

    Would there were more people like you in the world with sophisticated edge and a quality outlook on people in general, that I have come to appreciate. I will continue to follow your site and recommend it to others and for it, I salute you.
    Thanks,
    Michael

    —————-

    It all began in the 1990s with these two, and it got far worse in the 00s, but it’s recently gotten a lot better. The NBA is still filled with sportsdouchery, but humility and passion seems to be replacing preening and spectacle, so I’d argue that there is hope.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 10, 2013

    Ask DB1: The Redemption of The Mayerbag?

    katy-perry-john-mayer-lead2FDD writes in over the holiday break with an important question:

    ——————–
    Subject: When’s a Douche, Not a Douche?

    I have pondered the meaning of life, but the bigger question I have at the moment is: When is a Douche not a Douche? I have readily agreed with your assessments of Mayerbag, but I just saw a FB post, where he has done a very nice thing for the firefighters of a very small town in Montana, and I have not seen any bragging… (yet?).

    SO, can a Douche redeem?, or can props be given to an otherwise Douche?,or is there really a Christmas (sorry) spirit that can defeat Douches for a short while?, or just WTF is going on?
    —————

    The Mayerbag could save a bus load of orphans from cascading toxic sludge while curing cancer using only zest from orange rinds and the acid residue after stomach pumping a half-drowned Rehab-soaked Lindsey Lohan, and there would still be zero freaking forgiveness for this infected ballsack’s scrotal sins.

    Mayberbag is eternal ‘bag.

    So let it be written. So let it be done.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, October 3, 2012

    Ask DB1: The “Pro” Headphones Display


    FlipFriddle writes in:

    ——-
    FlipFriddle here. Another thing to ponder: lately at the private university where I work I’ve been noticing many of the trust-fund scrotes wearing obnoxious, huge, white or garishly colored headphones plugged into their displayed iPhones or hidden brown Zunes.

    Sort of like they are mobile DJ taints bopping to their jams. Wearing these stupid things
    seems to me to incur auto-douche.

    What do you think? I’m sorry I don’t have any pics of said douches and possibly private school hotts.
    ——–

    Autochoad.

    So let it be written. So let it be done.

    And I couldn’t find a pic to go with this letter, either. So here’s a nerdchoad showing a tattoo that was, and is, highly unnecessary.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, September 20, 2012

    Ask DB1: GSR During Sexytime?


    —————
    DB1,

    IMHO, the most auto of the auto douche signifiers to my mind is Groin Shave Reveal. GSR=douche. Unless you’re a woman. Then it’s delightful.

    My question is this, and of course it’s hypothetical with no basis on reality in my life or the life of any real person living or dead: What if you’re a regular bag mocking normal guy, but your girlfriend ASKS you to implement an aggressive GSR policy, the same poilcy in fact, that she herself subscribes to, and which you enjoy?

    Furthermore she lets it be known that should said GSR policy be implemented she will immediately begin doing cool stuff involving your G that she has previously not come close to doing, and which you would very much like her to do? Also, said stuff will be done often and enthusiastically.

    Under these circumstances would implementing a GSR policy:

    1. auto douche (still)
    2. the smart thing to do
    3. weenie-like caving

    Just wondering so that I can offer informed advice should this issue ever come up. Not with me, of course, but with say a friend who asks me for counsel.

    Bflak
    ——

    Good question, Bflak. GSR may be practiced in the safe and private confines of cohabitation games-play. In fact, any douchetribute is fine as part of personal performativity with a partner in service of getting one’s proverbial freak on.

    However, should such displays take place in public, and in proximity to a camera for the purposes of exhibitionism… autodouche.

    So let it be written. So let it be done.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, August 20, 2012

    Ask DB1: Whither the URC As a Totalizing Icon

    ————-

    DB1,

    I have several questions about Red Cup (and Blue Cup, Yellow Cup, et. al).

    I’ve noticed that Red Cup’s SOP is to watch pensively.  Does Red Cup do anything else? Does Red Cup stare in hopeless infatuation with Hott? Does it look disappointingly at bleethed-out skank? Does it look on in contempt at tatted-up GSR douche? Or does he only watch pensively?

    And, if Red Cup is so ever-present among douchebags/hotts/bleeths, is Red Cup not douche in and of itself?  As Seinfeld once said, adjacent to refuse is refuse.

    Yours yet again, yada yada yada, you know how I sign off these missives,

    Dan

    ————-

    The URC (Ubquitous Red Cup) is a totalizing signifier. By this, I mean that it orients the douchal pattern, operating much as a test grid or color bars do in assisting calibration.

    The URC reminds us of the purity of primary color and the simplicity of the agency of the primitive tool, at the same moment it operates in stark contrast to the post-structuralist explosion of commodity that marks douchebag in pursuit of hott.

    The URC is never douchey in and of itself, since it reminds us of the purity of essence beyond the specificities of cultural marker. In other words, the URC reminds us of essence beyond culture. Color. The act of drinking. The achievements of the human race over the elements.

    In so doing, URC only further heightens the repugnance of douche poo making booble fondle.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, July 11, 2012

    Ask DB1: UFC Fighter Head


    ————

    Db1,

    Is it douchey to have your favorite UFC fighter shaved into your dome?

    CJTD


    ————

    Yes. Yes it is.

    EDIT: As per a suggestion in the comments thread, the reward for enduring this atrocity and blight upon out culture is the glory that is Fusball Pear.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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