Ask the Reverend

    Tuesday, January 29, 2013

    Ask the Reverend

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    Q. Dear Reverend Chad, are Canadian chicks easier than American chicks? Pearce “Ma” Nipples III.

    A. French Canadian girls are more promiscuous than American chicks cause they are all stoned and bi-sexual,Son. I don’t know personally about the American chicks cause my member was always well groomed by the chicks I rolled with and the sacred Mrs. Kroeger and Quebec teenage hookers I cheat on her with on the bias. Bobs. All chicks I grooved were drunk and stoned, cause that’s the way I rock. Son.

    Q. Dear Reverend Chadster, what do you think about having relations with a girl in menses? In Canada? Wiping locations? Hugh Wypter

    A. I always said, ‘ If a woman can’t stand the smell of ya from working to provide dinner for the family.. then that woman’s going out to work. Son

    Q: Dear Reverend Chad, I got these two dead clowns I gotta get rid of. Antoniso Prano.

    A: Dude. I’m not getting complicit. Watch the fifth season of Criminal Minds. And tanning fluids. From a tanner. Like lye and rotted dog urine. Not orange. A bit of HCL if ya got a bit by the pool.

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    # posted by The Reverend Chad Kroeger
    Thursday, January 24, 2013

    Ask The Reverend

    556016_492243860791030_1867567271_nHey brothers. Reverend Chad here, the resident stoned, drunk pastor to answer a few remarkable questions with insight and spirituality. And by spirituality I mean, stoned. Son.

    Q. Dear Reverend Chad, I was fighting with my wife about the time I spend on the internet. Are you really a Reverend and where is your church? Thanks in advance. Tara MacGotchys

    A. Thanks for the question Tara and what kind of name is that for a dude, man. And you didn’t expand on your wife problems so I can’t help you there. If she comes at ya with a knife pop her one right in the beak. Am I really a Reverend. Yes. I am a Reverend of the Divine Universal Light Church. The church is based in Walla-Walla Washington to counter the ill effects of a strong Seventh Day Adventist Church and University there. My congregation is based in Ontario, near the Quebec border. I am just outside the city limits of a city called Cornwall, where I grew up on the means streets man. Smoking doobies, drinking and banging broads since I was in grade 6. Hell of a life before I found the great divine one. Then again I party all day now so I’m still a pig. So I moved my church from outside Toronto so as to get away from the metrosexuals and show my pampered kids a little bit of hards knocks, ya know? And I sent them to the worst public elementary school in the city with the lowest average family income in the area. We get this corn farm of which I lease a bunch of the land to a farmer. I still have a few landscaped acres and we attend services in the Grove. The Grove is also where the magic medicine of my followers comes from. The farm is home to our branch of the church and it is called The Plantation. There is a druid-like circle of Mighty Canadian Pine and Maples and it’s a great place to get you’re groove on. Cornwall used to have this huge paper mills that stunk to no end. Yas rode a bicycle by it and the acid rain would pock your lenses man. So everybody is unemployed now and ya can get a 15 year old hooker for a blowie for a slice of the world’s best assortment of pizza and a gram of Grove weed. Good times man. So to finish off with your question. The church is in my backyard. Thanks for the query. Son. Good luck with the wife. One time at The Plantation, which has distant dock privileges,  Joel Osteen came to visit on his Sea-Doo with Shania Twain and Alannis Morrisette naked on the back. Tammy-Fae was supposed to be there but her p*ss got stuck to the car seat. Wow! That was a freakshow party.

    Q Reverend Chad,a few of us at work were guessing you are probably a fan of Maroon 5. Thanks for taking the time to answer our question. Clint Damyacine

    A. That’s a good question Clint. But let me ask you a question. Does a dove know how beautiful it is as it’s released at the end of a wedding or Obama speech. It might be beautiful at an Obama speech after Springsteen has finished playing The Rising, but at the wedding it is the end for the groom and an ugly image of drudgery and Groundhog Day Syndrome, from which I suffer, and better atoned with a more fitting poem from the Bruuuce. If a grizzly bear gets stoned in the forest, can he be arrested by honkie. I think not. Therefore I will put forth a motion that at all weddings Maroon 5 music must be played every fifth song. 5, the number of destiny. Two parents, two children, one hooker. Playing such festering pus would prevent many men from getting married and perhaps a few, just a few may be saved from a life of slavery and boredom which is the institution (torture) of being married with children. I understand now Ed Bundy(grrrr. young Christina) what Peg put you through. F**k Maroon 5 . Don’t get married son. Go for ex-strippers. Get it. Thanks for the question Son.

    That’s all for this week. I’m depressed now so I have to take my SNRI’s. Keep the questions coming and I’ll try to answer your scintillating qeusstionez. Son.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 7, 2013

    Ask The Reverend

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    Ladies and gentlemen, Ask The Reverend begins.  God help us all:

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    Q. Dear Reverend Chad, I have a friend who brags about his penis size on the internet. Like a lot. Is this normal? I think he’s insecure and overcompensating. How do I approach him about it without coming off sounding like a total dick?

    A. Well my young Paduan, like Romulus said to Remus before the Persians conquered Constantinople. “Who are you to accuse me you prick?”  I really seriously would not be concerned myself if someone did that. But if he really wants to prove his size, ask him for a naked baby picture if he had a big head he had big penis. The proportionality of penis size to brain size in something like AMin=Mout. This was figured after the almost disastrous birth of myself. The nurse thought I was a breach baby and they had to turn me around but the doctor looked closer and said it was my boner and not a leg. Thank you for your question CBN.

    Q. paraphrased… You got two chicks to bang in a tavern of some sort.Sure thing pretty fatty or girl giving me the Mayan Eye of Coitus hotty. Do I take the bird in the hand or or try for the one with a two hole chance with no bush, chance of nothing too.

    A. Well Ive always said you talk to the hot girl briefly, tell her your married, and if shes not in the mood for my porch beef, I would walk away as proudly as I had walked to her and bang the fatty in an abusive and disrespectful manner. ………… I had you fooled, man. If your single you do what I would do and bang the fatty if the soft touch on the hot was unsuccessful. If your married you can only go with the hot chick cause she would have accepted my answer in prose. You cant be married and f@#K a psycho stalker fat chick cause shell hunt you down Glenn Close style. That movie killed the whore industry for a decade. Screw off Glenn Close you cow. Man my wife better not find out about the hookers. Thanks for el questiano Mang. You ever get a problem with these things èèèèèèèèèéééé. We must be past the front page so Imma start swearing a litlle. Me and my ÈÈÈÈÈÈÈÈÈÈÈ. f@#K.

    Q. paraphrased…….How do you get it all done and live such a cool life?

    A: You hide a bunch of cash from the businesses you owned, but you pay most of your taxes but do some seriously questionable accounting things. You repent and send your wife to school and work. Ive only been at home for two years. I have significant holdings in the Dutch ( no repect) Antilles. So we move to our hometown and everythings cheaper. Her biz took off fast nut mine didnt. And its none of your freakin business anyway to make me betray my distrust in the universal banking system. And my wife is a wonderful peach who could never find out about chicks and shit. Gullible she is and I am very discreet. Like a spy sneaky. Move over Dan Morrison and James Bund Shes cool with the drugs and we plant Lennys outdoor clones in the forest behind the plantation du Kroeger. Rev Chad will be back to work soon, mid-life glory days over. But I did enjoy the doobs, drinking, hookers, and booze the last few years and will continue with the debauchery learned behavior patterns from my teens.

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    # posted by The Reverend Chad Kroeger