Pudwack

    Tuesday, January 21, 2014

    Vegan Karl Buys Melinda a Mai Tai

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    Vegan Karl’s vitamin deficient stare and pallid skin tone is haunting me like a zombified iPad commercial.

    You know, where Robin Williams describes poetry over images of Japanese people iPading sumo wrestlers and Indian people iPading a traditional wedding while Philip Glass-esque music recalls Koyaanisqatsi like some great big unaware and thus ironic exclamation point on the residue of global violence and cultural destruction in the wake of neocolonial Western media ubiquity.

    Just another example of the vision of Steve Jobs. How to shit on the authentic by selling technology with overpriced design made by nine year olds in third world countries to alienated first worlders desperate to reclaim the very authentic experience that they’re lost yet appears in the commercials selling that loss back to them.

    At a hefty profit, of course.

    Steve Jobs can rot and Apple can bite me.

    Now, coffee time.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, July 30, 2013

    Mr. Short

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    Gold chains and Elvis glasses do not elevate, do they, Mr. Short.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, June 10, 2013

    Rainbolio Drops a Deuce at Coachella

    AA Degree in Slacker

    Sweet Pam, who meticulously fulfills the casting role of Hot Younger Sister of Your Best Friend in College, knows that slumming it for a weekend at Coachella won’t get back to her quasi-BF, Bob.

    That’s what she thinks.

    Turns out, Pam’s bestie, Monica, actually began dating Rainbolio’s bro, Tommy, behind the glowstick selling dude on the dirt road over by second stage.

    So Bob’s totally gonna find out by Wednesday.

    Sorry, Sweet Pam. This Deuce don’t fly.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, May 2, 2013

    Dirk Makes the Pukeface

    Gahhhhhhhhhh

    Remember kids, Puke Face is inversely proportional to likelihood of post-party cubble bobble.

    And if you don’t know what cubble bobble is, then you ain’t been to Albuquerque.

    HINT: It involves Holy Yellow Triangle.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, February 20, 2013

    And Then There’s This Guy…

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    And lo, the Baby Tebus soiled his diapey.

    For the Virginia Slims are tasty choice specimens of warm Southern hospitality.

    And by warm Southern hospitality, I mean mostly one and two syllable words followed by Jaeger shots and cries of “Wooo y’all!!” Which, on the whole, is a fair deal by me.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 31, 2013

    Hammocks For Sale!

    Hammocks

    Two for a dollar!

    Just remember, Ashley. When they claim it’s a dollar, it might just be two dimes and a quarter.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, November 28, 2012

    Morty Largeman Wishes He Didn’t Bring Manuel to the Party

    Now Manuel is all over his longtime secret crush from accounting, Claire.

    Morty can only sigh. And consider shaving his beard.

    Claire has the elfin looks and alabaster skin of the lost Henry James novel, “Fondling of the Upper Class.”

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 12, 2012

    The Inartful Dodger

    Later, he’s going to show Estella his Fagin.

    Yeah, that’s right, I’m making Dickens references. Whaddaya want? I went to Trader Joes yesterday and the Real Housewives of Los Angeles kept knocking me out of the aisles with giant baby strollers and residual pilates sweat. Almost stopped me from buying my Joe-Joes. And nobody puts Joe-Joes in the corner.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, June 27, 2012

    Marty Seyz…

    “I like to look at champagne more than boobs!”

    Marty is very literal in expressing his effusiveness.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, May 31, 2012

    Karl’s White Shoes

    There are many things wrong with Karl’s “Standard Douchebag Circa 2007″ Look.

    The matching white shoes and white belt are one of them. The smug sense of entitlement during a recession is another.

    Karl’s blatant disregard for attending classes after enrolling in DeVry’s continuing education to become a refrigerator “technician” despite his Aunt Tutti’s will stating that she would pay for full tuition should he attend is yet another.

    Kelly is what the French call “Le Buerre Visage.” Kelly was the hottest girl at the Iowa State Fair last night. Which says more about Iowa than it does about Kelly.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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