Reader Mail
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Thursday, May 2, 2013
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Reader Mail: JR Tags a Poster HCwDB
Reader JR snaps this coupling of greasy avatar:
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I saw it on display by a photobooth at CocoBongo Playa del Carmen when I was down there over the weekend. I went to high school with the beautiful temptress and thought it worthy of a picture. It was only when reviewing the pic that I truly appreciated the douchiness of this guys exaggerated v-neck, shaved fauxhawk and freshly pumped ‘ceps. But the effort he made to stretch his neck for the forehead touch is what makes it truly awkward.
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Well tagged, indeed, JR. And may all your post high school suckle thighs offer the same worth of Tempting Tandy here.
Loading ...Reader Mail: Scary Plotter
Boz 
writes in:
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DB1, You hate to see this.
A ginger darling character actress from a series as venerated (if overly-commodified and endlessly drawn-out) as the Harry Potter movies… on the arm of a mouth-breathing swag-hog like this. I know nothing about this stick, except that he looks like the smelly Danish foreign exchange student from my 8th-grade social studies class.
The two might be dating, engaged, divorced with kids, I don’t know or care.
Satisfaction is in the snap judgement, and my judgement is, “Oh, Snap! He’s a tool!” This Tom-Hanks-from-Castaway coiffed weasel is only in it for the purpose of being tagged in her celebrity facebook photos.
Riding the coattails of her redhaired sweetness…. Ginnie Weasley, my heart weeps some sort of quidditch-based dirge for thee. You are sweet ginger perfection. He is choad.
- Boz
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A quality HCwDB tag with quality mock email. Well done, Boz.
Loading ...Reader Mail: Chris Makes it All Worth It
This email deserves a douche-free post:
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DB1,
I have no business visiting your web site as I am a 45 year old married father of 4 living in the suburbs of DC (that’s our Nation’s capital). I commute for 3 hours a day, work for 8, sleep for 7, am expected to perform with what little time I have left in the day.
But instead of changing diapers and reading “Goodnight Moon” to crying children at the end of a day I sit here and visit your website.
And I laugh, chuckle, and smile. And oftentimes weep….
Weep tears of joy at your comedy, brilliance, and downright hilarity. How you do it, I do not know. Nor do I want to…
I for one appreciate the free entertainment you provide. And of course I will (and have) contribute to your efforts.
You’re the best friend I never met. Don’t ever change.
- Chris
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It’s been a long, crazy, amazing run. In a few weeks, it’ll be seven years since HCwDB was born out of my rage at seeing every male my age putting on paint-spackled $80 Affliction shirts and dousing themselves in Axe Bodyspray in the vain hopes of getting female attention.
So much has changed.
So much has yet to changed.
The battle continues. And in many ways, the battle is also over.
Who knows what the future brings? For now, I’mma still post what I can.
Loading ...Reader Mail: The Story of Benzino
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Hi DB1-
I saw your recent two pics of BENZINO (Friday Haiku on 15 Feb 2013 and Benzio Feels the Douchewaves). I am assuming that you know he works as a nightclub host in Las Vegas. He has several Facebook pages and I assume you’ve seen them.
I know this because years ago he used to date a smoking chick in Austin, TX. I’ve attached some pics of the two of them (and some of her by herself). If you don’t like big fake boobies then she will not be hot.
Sincerely,
- The Benz Mocker
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Because ev-ery roseeeee tattoo has it’s douche…
Good work, B.M. And may all your stools be whole and fibrous. Like little Benzinos.
Loading ...Kisseus Vomitorious Wants to Pump You in the Hanficapped Stall
The Vomitorious himself writes in to deny accusations of high percentage bodyfat:
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KV Here,
Took about 3 weeks I was on a straight no gym clubbing only plan. Bench pressing bitches. Curling girls and squating skanks. Running my mouth and sex for cardio. Haters gonna hate. Calvin bangin gonna bang. You mad bras? It’s f@#king shredding season get off the computer and meet me in the club where we will do pushups to pump up together in the hanficapped stall and hit the dance floor!
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I used to occasionally squat skanks after eating Indian food. I find that an extra glass of water before you go to bed can help.
Loading ...Reader Mail: More Bleethy Hotts!!
Gamecockbag writes in with a demand, along with the following pics.
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Did some fat Guido take over this site?
There used to be a few Bleeth’s with the usual bag but for the most part it was a site dedicated to 7′s, 8′s 9′s and a rare 10 looking hot as all hell making horrible life choices with bags.
Lately the pics are all of chubby Jersey Shore fans and herpster gals. I heart this site and have for years. Get it together!!!
Yours truely,
-Gamecockbag
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This critique, while totally valid, would perhaps be more apropos were the Bleethy Hotts submitted along with it not entirely made up of Crisco and Man Tan (with the exception of the quality hottitude chew bobble in pic #3).
I proverbially drop the mic to your dropped mic, and head to the kitchen to microwave a burrito.
Loading ...Mr. Vomitorious Rebuts Our Collective Jest
K.V. himself responded in last week’s comments thread with the following:
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If you can’t handle me when I’m bulking then you sure as hell don’t deserve me when I’m shredded ;) and its “Calvin bangin” not “kv” google me
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In a noteworthy coincedence, when my colon is bulking I eat shredded wheat.
EDIT: K.V. is on the Facebook.
Loading ...Reader Mail: Can’t Be Anonymous Anymore Takes Umbrage
Can’t Be Anonymous Anymore reacts to the new posts in the comments threads:
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With all these wonderful changes around here McCrud anonymity is a thing of the past–now you have to provide a made up e-mail address too.
Pee on others? F@#k that–you’re right, I’ll start clicking elsewhere.
However, I feel I owe it to DB1 first to say: I was coming here regularly for years. Then the site stopped being funny, completely about a week ago. Reverend–not merely not funny–incoherent and not funny.
Wallynuts–that schtick has sucked since day 1–day 1 I says but, to each their own–the four of you left seem to like it, and… Douchteau, your piece was good, but it doesn’t belong on a satire/humor blog. Again. Not. Funny.
If you ‘guest contributors’ are wondering what funny looks like from guest contributors, see everything Darksock has done, and BVG did a damn fine job too.
DB1, you’re f@#king up a good thing, but it’s yours, so good luck and godspeed. I think you’re worrying too much about what your career isn’t, rather than being appreciative of what you have. Don’t be a f@#king douche and forget where you came from. Kill it outright, or cultivate it–quick this half assed bullshit.
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If I had a chicken, I’d call it an octopus.
Loading ...Reader Mail: The Douche Detection Formula (Excel Version)
Reader Herpe The Douche-Bug distills the West Coast Fratdouche down to its mathematical essence:
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DB1,
While out with my wife today at a wine festival in San Francisco we came across many different local douche bags all in various states of douchecomposition.
But one thing become very clear to us over the next few hours. They all shared some very simple commonalities that could be plugged into a spread sheet to help the lay person recognize a Grieco virus carrier and avoid them.
Below i present to you, the “Douche Detection Formula” (Excel version).
=IF(AND(OR({city}=”SF”,{city}=”Berkeley”),OR({male}=”emo”,{male}=”frat boy”)),”Douche”,”Human”)
While this works well in our area I’m sure it could be modified to be used across this great country of ours to help stem the tide, or at least identify those in need of involuntary sterilization.
keep up the good fight
Regards,
Herpe the Douche-bug
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Consider it an extension of the Holy Writ from Joseph Smith’s lesser work, The Book of Moroni.
Good work, HtDB. A worthy tag, indeed.
Loading ...Reader Mail: Reader Tim Tagged Benzino
Credit where credit is due:
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DB1,
If one thing is for sure it is the fact I can always tell when I see someone and instantly hate their guts without having ever interacted with them. This is a case of that… Meet “The Benzbag” one of the most diabolical douchebags in the game!
I believe he has been on the site before, if you’ll note the image of the violation of that innocent pear with his sloth like hook hands should be familiar. This clown is the Ernst Stavro Blofeld of douchery! Another Las Vegas club wanker who bills himself as VIP host/personality despite the illusion of living the life of luxury. I think we’re dealing with a $30,000/year millionaire who is up to his eyeballs in debt to keep up appearances.
You will see he associates with a who’s who of douche offenders, Craig Golias aka Peter Pumpinhead, Sunday movie semi regular/idiot wigger Riff Raff, Tatted freak/micro penis sufferer/young and reckless spokes douche Scott Sparks and I believe a picture of him with King Douchius.
Along with that the rest of the atrocity reads like the “Anarchists Cookbook” for practicing douchery, carrying designer murses, having your eyebrows threaded, having your douchey ass facial hair pruned with a straight razor, pretending you’re an MMA fighter and an overload of assholery, douchery and general shit headed behavior.
- Tim
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Well tagged tim. This Vegasian poo is a strong contender at the 2012 Douchie Awards.
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