Reader Mail

    Saturday, February 22, 2014

    Reader Mail: Cristina’s Pic Was Used Without Permisstion

    112016

    I’m gonna miss these sorts of emails.

    ————–
    From: Cristina
    Subject: REMOVE MY PIC!!

    Message Body:
    PLZ REMOVE MY PIC FROM UR SITE!!
    A COPYRIGHT VIOLATION HAS BEEN MADE!!!

    We will be forced to get a lawyer and shut down your site!

    MY PIC WAS USED WITHOUT MY PERMISSTION

    THANK YOU

    —————–

    Unfortunately, Cristina did not provide any specifics as to which pic she’s referring to.

    So here’s a pic of a frog meeting a mouse.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, January 25, 2014

    The Gorilla Responds

    unnamed (9)

    Last week Gamecockbag wrote in with a lament about his long crush on a bartender hottie who went on to date what he describes as a “gorilla” (pictured here).

    Here was Gamecockbag’s initial email:

    ———
    This girl bartended at a bar me and my friends used to frequent.

    She quit working there a while ago and we all kind of forgot about her.

    She’s now working at a bar around the corner from my house and has apparently gone from nice Southern girl to something resembling a character on the Jersey Shore.

    She has also added a “gorilla” or “juice head” as they call them to go along with her new look.
    —————

    Well The Gorilla has responded!:

    ————-
    First of all, gamecockbag???? Really? Are you the nutsack of a Carolina Gamecock? Makes this post more understandable.

    Jealous much ?? You and your boys kept getting turned down when you hit on her, huh? Oh, what? You weren’t brave enough to try and talk to her !!?? What a bitch she is !!

    And because a guy works out and builds muscle, he is automatically a juice head?? This coming from a probable fat, snow white, lil gamer boy living in his parents garage.
    ————–

    Interestingly enough, “Fat Snow White Lil Gamer Boy” was also the title of a poem by W.H. Auden.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 16, 2014

    Reader Mail: The Tale of Milfy Bartender Woe

    unnamed (10)
    Reader Gamecockbag writes in with a tale of milfy bartender woe:

    ————-
    This girl bartended at a bar me and my friends used to frequent.

    She quit working there a while ago and we all kind of forgot about her.

    She’s now working at a bar around the corner from my house and has apparently gone from nice Southern girl to something resembling a character on the Jersey Shore.

    She has also added a “gorilla” or “juice head” as they call them to go along with her new look. Damn shame.
    ————

    But on the bright side, Gorillabag’s bicep Sanskrit does contain the Zoroastrian prayer for how to bless one’s knife before tanning a lambskin.

    So if they’re ever caught in a desert, and need a lambskin properly prepared, they’ll know the blessing.

    Just sayin’.

    It’s not a likely scenario.

    But it is possible.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 14, 2014

    Dave’s Middle Earth ‘bag Tag

    2

    Dave writes in with yet another ‘bag tag from the greater Australia/New Zealand area with the following celebutag:

    ———-
    From: Dave
    Subject: Down under douchebag

    DB1,
    What can you do about an obvious douchebag from the far-flung shores of New Zealand who meets every conceivable criterion for a mention on HCWDB? Give him a mention on HCWDB I say!

    I give you musclehead meatball third-rate soap opera actor Ben Mitchell and his muscle car, suitably greased up and waxing lyrical about how cycling is for losers.

    Enjoy!
    - Dave

    ———-

    Brett? Check.

    Jermaine? Check.

    Murray? Present.

    Aussie and New Zealand ‘bags always fascinate me. No matter how greasy and ridiculous they look in chasing the Hotts, they’re always just so damn friendly.

    Happy. Grinny.

    Is any guy in Australia not the nicest guy in the world? Not glad to meet me? Not willing to buy me a beer and pat me on the back in a friendly but still masculine manner?

    Except for this guy. Don’t trust him. Nope. Not at all.

    But we should take a moment to appreciate the slavic nordic perfection of Aussie uberhott and “Wolf of Wall Street” star, Margot Robbie.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, December 26, 2013

    Reader Mail: Charlie Objects to My Tribute to Al Goldstein

    unnamed (18)

    As you enjoy your post-Christmas festivus, the following came over the HCwDB wire.

    When the iconoclastic publisher of Screw Magazine died last week at 77, I posted this eulogy, which I thought was pretty fair to who he was.

    Reader Charlie disagrees, and then takes issue with my methods of self pleasuring:

    ———-
    Once again you celebrate the looser – the piece of crap you would not want taking pictures of your own wife daughter or mother – but are happy to let victimize someone else.

    Your anger and frustration is fueled by your own failure.

    Clearly you write like you masturbate in that you have a chronic need to please yourself. Maybe if you were not so certain you know it all you may actually engage and change people – even yourself. Hysterically telling people they are idiots because they believe in God, as you often do, sets a standard that reflects poorly on your own intellectual capacity since the question of who or what created the creator or necessary components of creation are equally subjective to some people; neither science or faith can be absolutely proven by either party. Yet when someone professes faith in a system you reject your protest is so obnoxious and reflexive it becomes clear you are truly pathetic, lost, scared and alone.

    A look at your other works makes the view into your vacuous cranium quite clear. Shifting between writing angry and abusive comments about women while offering peaks up their skirts or denigrating soft white targets is easy; living and loving is a bit harder.

    I think you are a lucky punk. My guess is in a different time and place, before technology, you would be the mumbling fool, writing on napkins in greasy spoons and talking to himself – wiggling your legs back and forth because you tell yourself you have to go to the bathroom, and maybe you do, but let’s be honest you are really doing it simply because you like the way it feels: CREEP.
    ————

    Absolutely not true. In a different time and place, I would be writing on napkins in clean spoons.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, December 18, 2013

    Reader Mail: Some people at the beach

    unnamed (1)Reader Kevin works out some issues:

    —————
    From: Kevin G.
    Subject: My sister’s douchebag boyfriend

    This guy on the left is a real winner right here, he goes by the name Roach, no joke! He has some half ass tattoo studio and thinks he’s hot shit, HES GOT A FACE FOR RADIO!!!!
    —————

    It pleases me to no end to know that in today’s constantly updating/trending/morphing ephemeral digital culture, the classic “he’s got a face for radio” insult remains a viable insult.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, December 4, 2013

    Reader Mail: Jacques Doucheteau Hands out the First 2013 Douchie Award

    FridayHaiku

    Master thespian Jacques Doucheteau sums up HCwDB’s current state in Monday’s Hanz and Brigitte comments thread:

    ————–
    In fact, let’s just get the 2013 Douchies out of the way right now since I know it’s not going to happen this year (Lesson for all you single guys out there, this is what having kids will do to you. Shattered dreams and ruined aspirations clouded by the instinctual urge to devote your entire existence caring for a diseased little human grub that pukes on you, doesn’t know how to sh!t in a toilet, and once it learns how to do so will tell you to go f@#k yourself and leave home, only to return with a little sh!t grub of its own that you’ll be taking care of half the time because “I gotta go to work and Rob’s being a dick and f@#king some skank so I’m not letting him have the little brat this week”, and will still stick your aging ass in some sh!t-cheap old-folks home because they don’t feel like wiping your ass once you can’t control your bowels anymore, so you’re left to die in a puddle of your own piss and septic bed sores while they argue with their siblings about who gets your TV).

    Uuuhhhh… where was I? Oh yeah. I know officially kick off HotChicksWithDouchebags.com 2013 Douchies!!!! (applause)

    Every Category: Hanz, aka The Prince of Pompoos

    There you go. See you all again next year for the 2014 Douchies, which will consist of no entries, no finalists, and definitely no amusing quips in the comments section. Just a couple of us old diehards refusing to let the poor old site die an honorable death as we hark back to the “good old days” of 2008-2010, when the Samurai Scrote thread topped 10,000… when Sergeant Scrote Stain would grace us with his witty observations and one liners… when Dicy showed us a picture of her cotton panty clad ass… when Medusa DIDN’T show us a picture of her ass… and when the peeing in horses jokes were still funny.

    I’m going to bed, f@#k you all.
    ———-

    All accurate. And scathing in all the proper ways. Good work J.D.

    HCwDB may not be the arbiter of cultural influence that it once was. But we carry on my wayward sons (and daughters).

    And on the bright side, there’s this. The war continues. I may not do the Douchie Awards this year because I’m a lazy slacker. But the mock will continue. Oh yes.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, November 26, 2013

    Vin Douchal’s Suburban Housewife Dilemma Pt. 1

    NotCollege

    From the Where’s Trevor comments thread comes this gem of a depressing yarn spun by the great Vin Douchal:

    ———-
    Nights of clubbing, Kappa Alpha Theta days at UCLA melt into pop quizes and complexion complexities as Vernon, the solid “C” grade Computation major slides his way into an otherwise innocent life of group poses, bathroom make-up exchanges and pep rallies and Pauley Pavillion ladies room vomit scenes.

    An innocent night of jello shooters finds her 6 weeks later peeing on a Rite Aid home test praying, hoping upon hoping the straight line in the little window does not grow a cross hair. Negative? No, positive. Again
    All five stages manifest in one stream of anguish, “NO!, Shit!, Please be wrong- I’ll do anything, oh no I’m screwed, Well… five positives can’t be wrong,… time to call dad.”

    Showing, glowing back for the Holidays when the high school ex- sees her at the Piggly Wiggly shopping for last minute yams and Coors Light inquiring about college… she cries, falls into his embrace. He tells her he will take care of her , stay here, marry me, I’ll raise the child as if my own. We’ll have others, maybe right away so they can have a little sister or brother… I’ve always loved you more than life itself. I cried when you went to California,… my Kelly, sweet sweet Kelly… they make love in his 4 wheel drive 1500 HD, drying each others tears and gentialia with the same greasy oil rag

    Three kids, four years later, the silo manufacturer closes, the corporations snatch up the farms and they’re living in “the extra room” at her parents house all five of them like Mexican pallet families on a sand mountain in Tijuana. No sex, no desire anyway, no quiet time, constant badgering from dad, a baby with colic, a pre-schooler with constantly skinned knees and a toddler wearing opposite sex hand-me-downs ….

    In a rare moment when all three kids are asleep and he’s out grousing with his pals, she smiles and in a saturnine, morose moment thinks about a nineteen year old with a fake ID, surrounded by faux-sisters , dapper young men and their will to succeed and the life of her forgotten college friends in their Malibu Zuma classes with designer panini griddles and tremendous Jared wedding rings. She walks calmly to her parents medicine cabinet

    She swallows her mom’s month supply of valium and pens a note, ” I’m a failure, I crossed paths with a Douchebag and did not head the warnings,… I’m sorry,goodbye.”
    ————–

    I found the only image I could to counterbalance that depressing tale of woe.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, November 12, 2013

    Reader Mail: Internet Dating Produces HCwDB

    ZooskSuccess

    Jeff writes in asking for some well deserved scorn be thrown towards dating site Zoosk:

    —————-
    From: Jeff
    Subject: Zoosk “Success” Stories

    I found these on the Zoosk site on a page supposedly showing off their “success” stories. I think Zoosk is run by a horde of wankers. The page on the site about how to apply for a job actually suggests that applicants shower and brush their teeth before their interview. Makes you wonder what sort of losers were applying for jobs that made them post that request.
    —————–

    Alls I know is I’mma start a new dating site called “Horde of Wankers.” Going for the honest angle. Like if Christian Mingle cut the euphemisms and just said “No Jews.” Or JDate said “no men who are not doctors or lawyers will be gettin in these hot Semitic panties.”

    I met HC1 the old fashioned way. I pined for her hot Jewess ass for six years while she dated a litany of choads. And then I got a show on MTV and she married me and popped out a little one.

    That’s the way I roll.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, November 11, 2013

    Reader Mail: Aussie Bleeths

    BaguettesDouchesdownunder submits this reminder that we must also mock female douchebaggery when we find it:

    ———
    DB1.
    The female douche! We must tell the people, they spread like wildfire, co-inhabiting a food court at a mall near you now. They steal your seat, your park and your good nature. Good white girls gone bad, this one’s from the Central Coast of NSW Australia.

    - Douchesdownunder
    ——–

    Point well taken, DDU. I find myself rather cross when the Bleeths steal my good nature. And by good nature, I mean credit card number.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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