Reader Mail
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Tuesday, January 31, 2012
- @ 12:00 PM
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- 38 comments
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- @ 9:20 AM
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No More Friday Haiku
Haiku Guy from the most recent Friday Haiku writes in with a correctly worded and impressively well written (compared to the usual stuff) takedown request, and so I respek:
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Mr. Louis,
Please remove my photo and my name from this page immediately:
I’d also like to know who “Lo” is, in that this person felt the need to post my full legal name on your site (not sure why having a uniquely spelled name makes me a douche either? In fact I’ve never received anything but compliments. I guess my parents were more creative than “Lo’s” were). If they are someone I know, I’ll be quick to distance myself from them.
Clearly this mole had no respect for me when they decided to make it personal by associating my name to that picture. But your whole posting system is based upon being a coward it seems since anyone can post without joining and providing traceable information such as real name or email address… nice.
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No moles allowed to participate in the Mock. For they will rue the day.
Loading ...F#ckuhaterz responds to HCwDB
Musical afficianado F#ckuhaterz responded to yesterday’s critique of the melodic efforts of American Scrotelick in the comments threads with the following:
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Anyone who hates on this is a jealous idiot who probably f#cks his hand every night to the picture of his 300 pound grandmother! Expression of music is an art form it doesn’t matter who or what Is involved its about doing what you enjoy most! And none of you fags could probably EVER get a girl of that kind to even acknowledge your existence!!!!!!! So bathe in your bath of haterism and misery and try drinking some actright!!!!!
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Mmm… actright. It’s like Haterade. Only with more hegemony obeisance.
Loading ...Reader Mail: Lena’s Cry For Help from Fratland
Lena writes in with a Fratbrosephus self-tag:
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Subject: help
rescue me please!
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I’d like to help, Lena, I really would, as you are tasty blonde perky spank. But there’s just too many Fratbags making references to Dane Cook and Bud Light Lime jello shots to counter without a firehose and a large polo mallet.
Loading ...Reader Mail: The End of Librarian Hott Purity?
Mr. Biggs snapped this pic of Librarian Hott meeting a vortex of Douche Woo.
This tasks us with the following:
Have the signifiers of Librarian Hott neurotic-erotic entanglement become so coopted as to have become conceptually Bleethed?
And yes, the fact that that last sentence can communicate despite linguistic nonsensical phrasing gives me a deep and profound joy. Take that, Noam Chomsky.
Loading ...No More Dr. Douchebag
Angry Heather recants her previous missive:
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Dear DB1,
First, I would like thank you for posting the picture I submitted of my exboyfriend and I a few weeks ago, it is an honor that my photo made the cuts to be worthy of being published and I really appreciate it. I do love your website so much and I was shocked that it even made it up.
Unfortunately, I really wasn’t in the right state of mind when I submitted my bagicide letter and photo and would like you to take it down. I feel really badly but neither of us can take the beatdown (& I also don’t want to end up getting sued.)
You are the best, your website is #1 and I will always appreciate how kind it was of you to think my exboyfriend is one douched out jackass, so thank you, it makes me feel good in so many ways.
I will continue to frequent your site and get good laughs when I’m looking for something funny on the internet. Take care and keep the good postings coming. I’ll be a fan forever.
-Heather
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Easy come. Easy Botox.
Loading ...Reader Mail: Dr. Douchebag
PIC DELETED A spurned and angry Heather writes in with a Floridian douche tag on her ex-boyfriend, Dr. Douchebag:—————-
This is ——- aka Dr. Douchbag.
This scrote was a University of Miami Dermatology resident that got a job at Pinski Dermatology in Chicago and scrotishly broke up with me after one year of dating thinking he can do better than a nice hot girl like me and broke up with me to pursue his dreams of being a douchebag version of Dr. 90210 in Chicago.
It would mean the world to me if you posted him on your site, it would only serve him justice so others would agree with me he is a huge douchbag and douchy looking with saggy man breasts and messed up teeth that should have been glad to have had a girl that loved him like I did.
I would appreciate you willing to put this up to expose his Miami/Chicago/I think I am a cosmetic guru and love filling women’s faces with Botox because that is as close as he will get to hot women again self…
You guys are the best and I love your site.
Look up his place of business if you want. It is called Pinskiderm.
they are the #1 distributor of Botox in the entire Midwest… making him extremely douchy and worthy of your website since you expose douchebags of all shapes and sizes.
Feel free to include first and last names, I don’t mind.
Looking forward to seeing a post.
Happy new year & take care!
- Heather
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The “Dr. Oz” type of shallow psuedo-intellectual paternalistic “doctor” technique is absolutely a variant of the ‘bag virus. And while your email suggests personal bias, Heather, which may overwhelm the douche-tag’s logic system, I’m pleased to see the proper use of terms like scrote, if not myriad, in your ‘bagicide letter.
Loading ...No More Backwards Baseball Cap Toolscrape
Megan writes in:
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My boyfriend and I are in a picture and I’d like it removed. We are both upset about it and someone put his full name out on it. It was funny reading all the comments until some gilr to it to the next level. ANy way you vould just remove it ASAP thanks
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Steven Tyler hates it when gilr’s take it to the next level.
Loading ...Reader Mail: Crotchos Is Turning
Taken on a tourist trip to Mykonos, Greece, Reader Dan submits proof positive of why Greece is facing hard economic times.
And by hard economic times, I do not mean crotch-peen.
No!!… Wait… Crotchos is turning…
No please!!… no more turn!!… (although I see you blonde poocher dancer)… I beg of thee!!… no more turn…
This performative Greek Tragedy calls for a Champagne Katie chaser.
Loading ...Reader Mail: Backwards Baseball Cap Toolscrape
PIC DELETED
Kim snaps and sends in the following :
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not the clearist picture, saw these two at a DC bar. I’m pretty sure she is a gogo dancer and was smoking hot but this dude was a tool. He would give the rock n roll horns in every picture, steal other peoples drinks and make sure he was in ever picture with every girl. I can’t decide if the skinny jeans and backwards cap or pointing finger make him a bigger douche in the picture.
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On an unrelated note, “Real world bar haunting rock n roll horns giving asswipes with gogo dancers” was actually a sentence that appeared in an early draft of Henry George’s 1879 economic analysis, “Progress and Poverty.”
Loading ...Reader Mail: When HCwDB Readers Meet in the Real World
In honor of last night’s Hallow’s Eve, here’s the story of what happens when HCwDB readers meet in the “real world,” featuring long time ‘bag hunter Jacques Doucheteau and legendary horrormeister Baron Von Goolo.
Note: The HCwDB pic accompanying this post is not Baron Von Goolo, nor Jacques Doucheau. So far as you know.
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DB1,
Tonight I had the honor of meeting face-to-face with Baron Von Goolo. I took the Mrs. on a road trip to Portland to experience the haunted houses of Fright Town, and was fortunate enough to run into the Baron, as he is the curator of the event.
I saw him first as he was perusing the line of waiting customers, eying his victims like a hyena circling mortally wounded gazelles. I approached him as he walked by me and asked him if Plinky’s mom was part of the exhibit, at which point a pleasantly surprised expression crossed his face upon the realization that the universe found it necessary to draw two HCwDB regs together for a chance meeting. I introduced myself as he thrust his hand forward to meet mine, and he wished me an enjoyable evening, with a wink and a glint in his eye before I entered the Portland Memorial Colosseum Exhibit Hall for no less than three of the Pacific Northwest’s greatest haunted houses under one roof.
After an hour of thrills, scares, laughs, and all around good fun, I ran into the Baron again on the way out, at which point I expressed my thanks for a fine Halloween weekend in pastoral Portland, OR. He assured me that Plinky’s mom may be featured in next year’s Museum of Horrors, though it may require a forklift and a couple tons of putrid horse meat to coax her into the building. He was obviously busy, and mentioned it had been a long day, so I didn’t bother him further. For posterity I did insist on snapping a couple pictures before heading out, to which the Baron graciously obliged.
For your personal enjoyment, I give you a picture of the Baron Von Goolo and myself, both looking our sexiest. Or at least as dashing as a pair of gentlemen can be while surrounded by a thousand screaming teenagers in the humid basement of a sports area with a bunch of volunteers in makeup. I was not wearing a costume which I suppose compromises my precious anonymity, so now that you know what I really look like I must remind you: that with great power, comes great responsibility.
Happy Halloween to you and the rest of the regs.
-Jacques Doucheteau
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Happy post-Hallow’s Eve to all HCwDB readers, whether long time or recently arrived. There was no greater tribute to the pop-culture impact of HCwDB than Von Goolo’s 2008 Douchebags of the Living Dead.
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