taint

    Tuesday, February 11, 2014

    The Act of Groin Spray

    unnamed (4)

    Spray-Z is why we fight.

    I can think of no more toxic a choadsteak this side of Sheboygan.

    If I were still competent enough to do the Douchie Awards around here, we’d definitely list Simulated Groin Spray Featuring Bottled Water on our finals list.

    But as we know, I’m not competent to do much these days.

    Except crack a sunflower seed with my teeth. I got that shiz down.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, February 10, 2014

    Headwound Johnson Cuddles with Sheeny Tera

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    Mack the Nozzle? Or just a doppelganger? Either way, nothing says O.G. quite like the Cadillac logo.

    Top it off with actual hawk and douche everything, and the baby Budda tibbles in a tinky winky.

    Sheeny Tera is all sorts of barmaid generational tradition. Sheeny Teras have been serving suds to many a lonely patron for many a century.

    And we keep coming back.

    Because maybe this time, she’ll pick us.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, February 6, 2014

    Greasey Jesus Hits on Hot Aunt Lonnie

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    The truly transcendent douchestain is the one that features Jesus bling in both tattoo and necklace format.

    Hot Aunt Lonnie giggles politely, even as a primal instinct for flight tremblars through her synapses.

    Run Hot Aunt Lonnie! Run like gazelle from stenchy tiger!

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, February 5, 2014

    Pop Quiz!

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    When Manny wants to class it up before hitting on Kelly at the Phila Theta Omega midterm kegger, he should:

    A) “Get a sportcoat all up in that bitch!”

    B) “Breath mints. But not Altoids. That stuff’s way megawhack. I’m talkin’ premium breath mints. St. Clares and shit.”

    C) “Classy? Bitch I’m classy naked! I was born classy! When my balls hit bathwater, that bathwater becomes classy bathwater!”

    D) “Hey, what’s this quiz for anyway? Cuz, like, I gotta get back”

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 21, 2014

    That ‘Bag, Redux

    unnamed (11)

    This douche has appeared many times on HCwDB over the years.

    Always in presence of hot chicks.

    Always douchey.

    His name, however, is blocked from my mind by what’s left of the synapses trying to protect my psyche after nearly eight years of gazing at douchey/hottie pics on a daily basis.

    So I forget.

    And I accept that I forget.

    So let us forevermore mark this ‘bag as the ‘bag to forget. And let us also appreciate the sulty sluttyhot sexytimes offered by Blonde Belinda, and her Ginger/Maryann counterbalance with Innocent Rebeccah.

    I would butt bong multiple glutes with talcum powder and a used french fry doily.

    Here’s a cloud getting arrested.

    And, for counterbalance, some gympear.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 9, 2014

    Mr. Ferret Poop

    Faux2

    Turns out Kimberly is majoring in animal scatology.

    Or perhaps this kind of Scatology.

    Either way, Mr. Ferret Poop, or F-Po to his friends, suggests a diet rich in fiber, nuts and grains.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 6, 2014

    Manuel The Crotchmasta Celebrates a New Week with Doublepear!

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    For Manuel The Crotchmasta, every day is Sunday.

    Except Tuesday.

    That’s when he pimps out his monkey to a local organ grinder for peanuts.

    And if you caught the three metaphors for whore coitus that I used in the previous sentence, you get a car!

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 2, 2014

    Sleazy Chet Fondles Monique’s Tatas

    unnamed (42)

    Something I’ve noticed over the years of douche mock. Canted camera angles only heighten the stench of hottie/douchey wrongness.

    An ethereal smell of gouda spittle is brought about by the mise-en-scene simply through the display of early German Expressionist camera framing.

    Like Fritz Lang directing the Jersey Shore.

    Stench is increased through the collision of aesthetics and thematics working at cross purposes.

    I have no idea what I’m saying. I will now flagellate myself with a well read copy of Beowulf.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, May 8, 2013

    Ripples McGavin Thrusts Groin Taint in Jenny’s General Direction

    Monkey 2

    And the ungodly site of GSR (Groin Shave Reveal) shames the arthritic Buddha and drains the Persephone Chalice of life-giving fluid.

    Persephone Chalice is a euphemism for the boob.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 14, 2013

    The Lurking Shmegtaint Within Us All

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    As Rashi taught us, we must always be vigilant.

    If we are humble, and virtuous, and study the Torah, and kick douchewanks in the taint, then we may live virtuous lives.

    If not, Shmegtaint Bob will fondle Hott Alyssa.

    And all will grow Satanic in the ecotone.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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