Thoughts and Links
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Friday, June 14, 2013
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Friday Thoughts and Links
No matter the ups and downs of our world economy, no matter the ins and outs of politics and social upheaval, there will always be douchebags prancing in clubs, pretending to have fun as they desperately desire to pokey the bobble fondle.
Yet missing out of sapphic coital cuddling because of the need to impress a nearby photographer.
And so the Darwinian club cycle continues.
Like a washing machine filled with sea salts and puke and set on spin.
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB 1980s-era New York Book Pick of the Week: “…and it made me uncomfortable the way this guy was eating a scrawny chicken wing and looking at me. You know, I just wanted to tell him to knock it off and be a person.”
New Jersey. Ripping off the rabble with the douchiest of scams.
Cracked writes up The Four Douchiest Weddings Of All Time. Well done, childhood alternative to Mad.
But wait, what’s that? New Jersey fights back. Well done, Garden State. Another article on the story from the UK.
Well I’ll be dipped in dogshit.
Ever see Jesus Christ in a dog’s ass? You have now.
Real Vegas is awesome. Real Vegas is not running with the Goose for a thousand dollars while bad techno pumps and paid-to-pose Woo Hotties pretend to like you.
The greatest art project of the year. I often do this, but not in the name of art. Humbug.
The best way to react to Pear.
Speaking of, my new reality show pitch: Pear Chasers. We’re hoping to sell it to Fox.
Okay, you want real Pear. Well how’s about this:
It’s like a shmorgasboard of glute.
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This pic is like microwaved turtle poo.
Simmering with sizzling micro heat.
I have no idea what micro heat is.
But I digress. It’s Friday bitches!!
Kinda a piddling collection of links this week as your humb narrs found himself passed out in a pool of Tequila vomit beneath an underpass near where the 134 meets the 405.
Long story.
It involves illegal shipment containers, doughnuts, a moldy trampoline and a magical unicorn with the posterior of an enflamed rhesus monkey.
I blame Zapata and the Sandanistas.
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB Buy Something After You Click this Link Link of the Week: Sure you’re aging at a rapid pace, losing libido and depressed, but why not hang a poster and pretend that you’re still in college
Posters of prostitutes are not what they seem.
Need the perfect gift? Say it with bacon.
Sometimes ya just gotta boogie down.
Douche Tags. Still out there. Still… uhm, well, I guess the word is douchey.
Okay, nuff of that stalling. Here’s your pear:
Like a vanilla carnal cupcake of pedantic delight.
Enjoy! For the weekend is upon.
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New name for my site: Fried Beef Moobs with Hot Chicks.
Beefy McMoobwich is sill out there. Still a rejected McDonalds Dollar Menu item.
Still polluting Vegas Bar Hotts like a malignant melanoma made up of body oils, rubbing lotion, and a failed career as a massage therapist after getting cut from the high school wrestling team back in ’96.
Blonde Katie and Brunette Kate are the sun and the moon, my stars and my candelit dinners, and serious butt slappy whipper prod booble tickle pokey poink. Which is, of course, a euphemism for stocking chew. Let it be written, let it be done. For posterity.
And by posterity, I mean posterior. And by posterior, I mean tiger.
Here’s yer links:
Your classic rock CD pick of the week: “Yesterday and days before,
Sun is cold and rain is hot, I know, been that way for all my time, Till forever on it goes, Fill the circle fast and slow, I know, and I can’t stop my wonder.”
Rich ex-Facebook exec keeps working to avoid being a douchebag. I can think of a problem with this premise involving the words “Facebook” and “exec.”
Douchebag or Giant Fluorescent Pink Slug?
Instagram. Where scrotal essence calcifies.
Remember all the good times you had in college getting drunk and high and partying with hotties with perfect bodies? Think you’re being overly melodramatic when you long for those days again? You’re not. They were as good as you remember.
Pretend comedian actual douchebag Russell Brand continues to be a pretentious pseudo-intellectual twat. The core argument may be good, but please put down the fancy words, Russell, before you hurt yourself. You can’t escape your lot in life as a pretty-boy narcissist with nothing to offer but date rapes and AIDS jokes.
Pick-up-Artists vs. Lesbians. A fight worth having.
’nuff of this crap, here’s your pear:
It may be a repeat from the ‘Sock’s reign of error, but it’s a repeat worth having.
Loading ...Hot damn! Its time for…DarkSock’s Friday thoughts and links
I cannot imagine what is on this guy’s phone to distract him from the spectacle around him…unless it’s Friday Thoughts And Links!
DarkSock here, getting ready for mammarial day, lounging on the Biloxi beach, chillin’, partying with old friends and generally horsing around.
Speaking of horses…this is what happens when you misspell “bridal” with “bridle”…
In the heat of the summer sometimes the ladies like it when you get a little kinky and whisper sweet things into their ear. Sometimes it’s the little things. Sometimes they just want to catch a good buzz. Or so they say.
Breaking news – This just in…Convicted choke-worthy ass clown behind “Girls Gone Wild” still an insufferable douche nozzle. Dude, we can see you’re full of crap, like a glass toilet.
But enough silly links. You are here for the Glory.
For the Noteworthy Pear:
Pretty Maidens All In A Row Pear(s).
And stay tuned for late night pear.
Son.
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Ah, those wonderful halcyon days of hormone-enhanced hyper-cartoon love.
This luxurious scene of love bongo reminds me of an E.E. Cummings poem. Only instead of references to emotional catharsis and the problematic nature of the heart, there’s lots of ass ‘roids.
So it’s another week here at the HCwDB homestead. Your friend in good times and bad.
LA is strangely quiet these days.
I blame the seismic shift in technology from TV model to internet DIY aesthetics.
Where will we land when the cable companies become as obsolete as CD-Roms? A brave new world with douchebags of hipster mock.
But with hyper-link boobies.
Speaking of hyper-link boobies, here’s yer links:
If you’re as into reliving your early youth in the early 1980s as I am, this book might just be textual nirvana.
Where’s Waldouche: Literal Edition
“I Went to the Playboy Mansion and it was Pretty Depressing.” Another great essay from Vice, one of the best sites on the internets.
The Jews hate the Herpsters. Because we have good taste.
Actually, according to this poll, everyone hates the herpsters.
In the news: Missing Orange Woman.
I can’t tell if this is offensive or genius. I’m going with genius.
Nuff with that. Here’s your Pear:
Soft. Spongey. Like sponge bread dipped in milk chewsuckle.
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Fashion.
Like taking a dump on coherency by way of anal plutonium.
That’s my new slogan and I’m sticking to it.
Because I know fashion.
Why, just the other week, I asked HC1 if my Land of the Lost sweater vest would clash with my gaberdine suit. And bow tie which was really a camera.
Cathy, I’m lost, I said as we boarded a greyhound. Which was odd because her name is not cathy, and it is very hard to board a dog. Even a large one.
My references are so out of date, they smell like moldy gouda.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Please Buy Something on Amazon To Help Pay for the Site link of the week: “Woo woo woo!! Hey Hey Hey!!”
This is not an appropriate way to remove an appendix.
Do you have a hose that grows in your pocket? Would you like to?
The future of entertainment: Ryan Gosling Won’t Eat His Cereal.
When I think of Pear Domination, this is not what I think of.
Why yes, I would like a side order of confusion.
Kisseus Vomitorious lives in an NWA video from 1992.
Okay, I got nuthin’. So here’s your Pear:
The purity of essence of femininity as imagined by fifteen year olds who read comics.
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On this, the celebratory day of Kisseus Vomitorious’s gym wedding, when his shriveled nads swear undying allegiance to Chick o’ the Day ™, let us bow our heads and pray.
Oh Lord, ye of such awesome and swirling powers of powerfulness, why doest thou create hair grease and orange pec shave?
In a world of sexy nubile hott, why doest thou give them such poor life choices? Is it a lesson? A moral challenge? A test of Job-ian proportions?
Lo. Hark. Alack.
Let us pray. For HoHos.
Here’s your links:
Your Weekly Amazon Buy-Something-And-Support-the-Site Link: “Jelly Baby?”
It’s official: Twinkies and HoHos live! And so does your humb narrator.
The 50 Comedians You Should Know. No sign of the DB1 on the list. I blame my agents.
Speaking of that list, my new favorite comedian is without a doubt Bo Burnham. Genius stuff.
Husband. Father. Plastic Surgeon. Rock Star. Douchebag.
According to FHM, Semitic Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh Mila Kunis is the #1 Sexiest Woman in the World. I can’t disagree, although a write-in vote for the new Doctor Who companion Jenna Louise Coleman, even if she can’t act and this season has been awful so far. Holy Jebus that show has gone off the rails.
Speaking of hot semites (not counting waspy Jenna Louise Coleman), meet Haim. Three hott LA Jewesses. This week, Canter’s Deli. Next week. The Upper West Side.
Is Sideboob Trendy or Trashy? The correct answer is glorious.
From HCwDB’s own Choad the Douche Sprocket: The 66 Greatest Juke Box Songs.
James Hughes, son of legendary Bueller director John Hughes, pens an amazing piece for Grantland on his father’s love of hockey. Well worth a read for how each of us processes our childhood memories and experiences into our adult loyalties, affections, and shared construction of identity.
Okay, ’nuff of all that. Lets get to the Pear.
First up: Brazil’s Best Pear of the Year. But since that’s an article, lets get to the pics. Here ya go:
And when you speak of me, speak kindly.
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Like poo water for poo chocolate.
I have no idea what that means.
Douchebags may have become society’s denatured clowns, but the mock continues as the herpsterbags and Cosplaying pseudo-nerds take over their slots of arrogance.
Hmm… “Slots of Arrogance.” Wasn’t that the original name of the Jeff Bebe Band?
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “A strange man defecated on my sister.”
While my hometown of Boston went through a lot over the past few weeks, let us never forget the genius of the Boston accent. Wicked. Wheas tha nehrest Dunkin’? Because Bostonians love being reduced to a cultural stereotype. Like Alison Porchnik.
The Huffington Post asks, Are the Boston Bombers just Douchebags? I was not, as I should have been, consulted for this article.
When genocide in Syria needs to be tuned out, lets get our priorities in order: The Absolute Worst Things in the World.
Ever wonder about the DB1′s deepest darkest illicit fantasies? They involve chocolate syrup, a ping pong paddle laced with candy corns, and them. The things I would shear…
There are movies. There are good movies. And then there’s The Killing of Satan.
Dumpster in a Bag. Also known as an out of work bartender in Vegas.
Bored this weekend? 30 Abandoned Places that are Beautifull. Amazing stuff.
Okay, you’ve been good. Enjoy Triple Hula Pear:
Hula Pear #1 Hula Pear #2 Hula Pear #3
Toggle back and forth with your dongle and it’s like staring at an early Muybridge photoplay.
What? Not enough?
Okay. Have some
Because surreal is a reminder of the traumas of the 1960s generation.
EDIT: Hula #3 link fixed. Mmmm… hulapear…
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Kinda hard to keep up with the mock when Fratbags become terrorists.
But, as terrorist versions of Chainsaw and that Blonde Guy from Summer School wrap up their terrorism spree, my thoughts turn to… Watertown???
Seriously, Watertown?
Even Somerville mocks Watertown. Truckers don’t even stop for bathroom breaks in Watertown. Although I did spend many a high school Saturday journeying to the Arsenal Mall because I was convinced that malls were where the chicks hung out and there were no malls in Brookline.
It turns out that, back in the 80s, high school chicks did not actually hang out in malls. At least not in Boston.
Consider that a life lesson learned.
Here’s yer freakin’ links:
Why not take this time to learn more about Chechnya?: A Small Corner of Hell: Dispatches from Chechnya
Eel Shoved Up Man’s Anus Eats Its Way Through His Intestines. Or, as I like to call it, dating.
Let the attention whoring Thrift Shop parodies continue: Pot Shop.
Sorority Bleeths in the Slimeball Doucharama. Or perhaps “greatest email ever.”
Ah screw this. I got nuthin’ while this crap is going down. Time for Pear:
Not enough?
It’s almost enough to distract you from a chaotic week. Almost.
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Didja hear the one about the Bald Asian Guy Obsessed with Black Culture, the Hot Bar Wench and the skinny bottle of Champagne?
You haven’t?!?
Okay, so a Bald Asian Guy Obsessed with Black Culture and a Hot Bar Wench walk into a bar. So they say to the Bartender, “Hey Bartender! Give us a skinny bottle of your best skinny champagne!”
And the bartender goes, “Okay.”
And the bartender gives them two bottles of skinny champagne.
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB Historical Text-Book of the Week: The Reign of the Phallus: Sexual Politics in Ancient Athens
Douchebags begin to experience regret in the form of skin removal techniques.
Okay kids, time to play another round of Greatest… Headlines… In… History. And… we have a winner.
Poop in space gives new meaning to the overused term, “Floating Frozen Feces Orbiting a Planet.” What, you don’t use that term in everyday conversation? Where do you hang out?
Okay, screw all this links. Lets get to it:
Not good enough? Okay:
Like a summer breeze. Wait, what?
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