Friday, December 13, 2013

    Friday the 13th Thoughts and Links

    unnamed (21)

    The kids are not all right.

    In fact they look like lobotomized feral magic cherubs culled from a Piers Anthony novel.

    Nothing is more haunting than the vacuity behind those dead fish eyes.

    Even Sweet All Business Amber, who reminds me of a young Andie McDowell seems somnamblified by life.

    Thus, although understated in terms of a douchremonts/hott cohabit, this pic is the perfect HCwDB for Friday the 13th.

    It’s like staring into the vortex of a failed future.

    Here’s yer links:

    Your HCwDB Buy Some Crap on Amazon after clicking on this link link of the week: The only proper way to enjoy Christmas.

    30 Hottest Jewesses under 40. Not the most well researched list (Isla Fisher? No Gal Gadot?) and the writing is shite, but mmm… Emmy Rossum…

    25 Ways to tell your Girlfriend is from the Jerz.

    My latest Shiksa Aryan suckle thigh obsession: Dutch model Doutzen Kroes. I can’t pronounce it. But I can prosoapybubblefondle it.

    Meet Zaur, The Pervy Russian Tennis Coach.

    No. Let’s not.

    Sometimes, when life gets tough, you just gotta hump a couch.

    This type of marsupial mates itself to death. Kind of like a marsupial Kardashian.

    But there’s always Ms. Bum Bum 2013. So I got that going for me. Here’s important documentary footage from the contest.

    Okay. There’s the perfect lead in for…

    Cartoonish Pear

    I’m not even sure if that’s human.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, December 6, 2013

    Friday Thoughts and Links

    Chandlerbag2

    HCwDB Party Boi (non)legend The Chandlerbag grows pasty, bloated, old, and water logged.

    Like a three day old beached porpoise.

    Remember way back in 2007?

    When HCwDB was new? And shiney? And the Chandlerbag was just another happy-go-douchey scrote scoring quality bumper? Yeah, me neither.

    We’ve watched the oily greasy ridiculousness of the Chandlerbag grow over the years. We’ve even seen him partying with the one and only Donkey Douche.

    And here he is.

    Like Bartleby’s Scrivener, able to function no more in a party world that passes him by.

    Donkey Douche will meditate on this sad fact in deep repose. Like Rodan’s The Thinker. DD’s reflection tells the tale.

    Here’s yer links:

    Your HCwDB Amazon Buy Some Shit and Support the Site Link of the Week: “Put on your heartlighhhhhhtttttt….”

    Chest hair. In the shape of a cat.

    Actual comments left on Pornhub + stock photos = the point of the internet.

    True love.

    The origin of today’s Friday Haiku pic is a sordid story of a poker playing multi-millionaire ubersuckwad named Dan Bilzerian. What a steaming load of a waste of human life.

    Being a douchebag can get you killed.

    Some YouTube comedy channel made the mildly amusing Douche snaps. I really should be getting residuals on these things.

    Meanwhile, in Brooklyn: Herpster v. Herpster

    Meanwhile, in Wisconsin: Weird beach sex.

    Australian douchebags in the news.

    Things that happen in a world where things happen: Husband convicted of manslaughter after Dutch Oven goes wrong.

    Okay. On that note. Here’s ya go:

    Land-o-lakes pear.

    Boston is cold and beautiful as your humb narrs brings the BC1 on her East Coast tour.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, November 29, 2013

    Thanksgiving Thoughts and Links

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    EDIT: The last pic may have actually featured a special needs guy, and I don’t mock them, so I’ve swapped it out with this collection of classic Vegasian hottie/douchery.

    Here’s the rest of the original post:

    Kinda a quiet post-turkal Thanksgivukkah here in the DB1′s household. Too quiet.

    All the chocolate coins were eaten by mid November. So that’s out.

    But I did just learn how to stream video through this magic device called a Roku. You know what that means. Every episode of Black Adder, Red Dwarf, and Fawlty Towers will now commence to be viewed.

    Because I plan on a productive weekend.

    Here’s yer links:

    Your HCwDB Buy Your Christmas/Hannukah Gifts on Amazon After Clicking This Link to Help Support The Site Link of the Week: The first step in telling Time Warner or DirectTV to kiss your black ass goodbye

    Do not get drunk in India. No, seriously. Don’t.

    Some days I really, really wish I worked for the TSA.

    1970s vintage beach shots. Like looking into an alien world at once both similar and dissimilar to our own. Uncanny valley in effect.

    My next book: The Douchebag with the Miley Cyrus Tattoo.

    Douchey Asian tatts translated (for reals, yo).

    Fake tanning douchebleethery: 2.0.

    Remember those New Wave/Punk musicians and singers from the 1980s? Lookin’ good.

    And yet more dancin’ in the aisles.

    Okay, nuff of that silliness. Have some:

    Airbrushpear

    Sure it’s digitally altered fantasy. But so’s your moms.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, November 22, 2013

    Friday Thoughts and Links

    Fwip McFriddle and Average Sue

    Ya know, it’s one set of trashiness when the ladies are getting the frontal tramp stamps to mark their skin with the taint of collective poo.

    It’s quite another when average joes like Fwippy are doing it.

    Not a good career move, Fwippy.

    Combine the Groin Shave Reveal, fwip hair, and tonguedouchery, and it’s enough to kick an aarvark in the sphincter.

    But I can’t be too upset. For it’s Friday.

    And you know what that means.

    Me. Scratching myself. Watching TV. And changing diapers.

    Here’s your links:

    Your HCwDB Retro Alt Lit Book Pic of the Week: “They’re whackin’ off to it, fer chrissake!”

    The day Leonard Nimoy gave a cab ride to John F. Kennedy. An amazing read.

    Things that should not happen in life: Dudes in speedos at sporting events. Regardless of whether linkbait borg website Buzzfeed finds him “hot” or not.

    So it turns out if you record crickets chirping and slow it down, it sounds like people singing.

    Sign #5 that the apocalypse is nigh.

    Brothabags, Abs, and Nipple Reveal. (nominally NSFW)

    Instagram and the female douchebag.

    Qatar stadium looks like a giant, um… oyster.

    Here are some porn videos for your weekend entertainment. The greatest of all women, Pornstars in videos here for you to compare you girlfriend or wife with. Once again we have found the best sex videos for you to enjoy until our next update :) (Sponsored Links)

    Funny faces in everyday objects. Green pepper faces for the win.

    The advantages of the Pear.

    Bleeth. No. Strike that. Awful human being.

    Ok, here’s your pear:

    Coffee Pear

    And all was settled in Liliputia.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, November 15, 2013

    Friday Thoughts and Links

    WheresTimmySpike

    Where’s Timmyspike?…

    There’s Timmyspike!!

    And by Timmyspike, I mean forget Timmyspike, lets focus on that Superman alcoholic taut suckle thigh and Lex Luthor handcuffs.

    I’ll take Groin Accoutrements in the center square for the win, Whoopi.

    Yup.

    Another Friday in the ole’ DB1 household. The cheap consumption of Thunderbird and HoHos has given way to the exhaustion of a little poop maker. And by little poop maker, I mean my butt. Okay no. I mean my kid.

    Now I drink for a different reason. To remember longingly the days I used to drink simply to forget. Babypoo’ll do that to an individual.

    But all is well in the DB1 household.

    Here’s your links:

    Your HCwDB Buy Some Shit After Clicking on This Link to Support the Site Link of the Week: “Nothing up my sleeve… and David Blaine is for suckas.”

    Hard to believe in the year 2013 there are still giant vortexes of pimple suck wasting oxygen on this plane.

    Google is hard at work patenting an electronic throat tattoo. Yup. Time to nuke Peoria.

    Balls.

    Donkey Douche loses the hat tilt.

    Yet more news from the con game that is online dating.

    From Austin, Texas, meet… The Douchewaiter.

    Okay, enough of that real world crap. Have some

    Coffeepear

    Insert cream and sugar joke. Oh wait, I just did.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, November 8, 2013

    Friday Thoughts and Links

    Mongor

    Oh, Mongor.

    How you drift languidly through your vapid, meaningles life like a somnambulant Skeksi.

    Oh sure, there are moments when a shaft of illustrative consciousness strikes through the dark, primal mold of your conscious being. Every so often, your limited grunting is beset by a paroxysm of clarity. A flash. A sliver. A thought you can barely articulate.

    How do we make sense of this inordinately complex world in which we are given the grace to occupy for a few short decades? How do we seek higher meaning while distracted by the everyday mundanities of preserving the body over the nourishment of the mind?

    But then the server comes by.

    And the DJ drops the bass.

    And it’s time to Woo! into the abyss once again.

    Here’s your links:

    Your HCwDB Buy Some Shit on Amazon and Support the Site Link of the Week: “If all pleasure is relief from tension, junk affords relief from the whole life process, in disconnecting the hypothalamus, which is the center of psychic energy and libido.”

    Now that’s a drink holder!

    Terry Richardson is not edgy. He is what I like to call the Anal Wart Photochoad.

    Speaking of photos, 30 amazingly moving photos. It’s a big world out there, kids. Do not look at these pictures lightly.

    Ever feel like society is slipping into a dystopian sci-fi novel? I give you: Child MMA.

    Lorde continues to challenge the generic pop-star paradigm. There may be hope for pop music yet.

    Yeesh. I will never complain about the New York subways again.

    Okay kids! Lets play around round of Brooklyn or Silverlake!

    Game of Toblerones.

    Understand the bodybuilding fake tan using this carefully calibrated venn diagram.

    Okay. Here’s ya go:

    GiggleBobblePear

    For the real world smush glass inside all of us.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, November 1, 2013

    Friday Thoughts and Links

    I'm not sure this is a costume

    Chief BallsInFace says “Happy Halloween!!”

    Kelly says “Tee hee, take that, Stepfather!”

    Don’t ask. Long back story.

    Holy crap, Los Angeles takes Halloween seriously. It’s just like the other 364 days a year. Except instead of desperate fading actor-hyphenates and screenwriter/barristas pitching projects with animated hand gestures and misspelled treatments, they do so visually via elaborate costume/performance.

    And everyone (pretends to) have fun!

    Yeeahh. Suck it, Halloween Los Angeles.

    I don’t recall my parents going to elaborate costumic lengths when I was busting out my bet Han Solo in the early 1980s.

    But that was then and this is now.

    And a kids holiday has turned into a social media showpiece. I’m sure I’d be able to tie this semi-rant to my new hated enemy Chris Hardwick, but I don’t dare look at his fifteen social media outlets for fear of rage boil.

    Hashtag: NerdasCareerMove.

    Grumble grumble.

    I blame my bad mood and lack of sleep on the two hundred candy corns I ate last night. Also on the baby, who won’t shut its pie hole. And also alpaca porn, courtesy of Douche Wayne’s trip to the circus.

    Here’s yer links:

    Your HCwDB buy some shit on Amazon to support the site link of the week: Now I get it

    People often ask me how hot chicks can become douchebags without douchal signifiers: Here’s your answer.

    Is this herpster? Or is it dancer?

    And now! The new sitcom from the creative mind behind Family Guy and Ted! I give you…. Dickwads!. They’re both dickwads. But their parents are dickwads, too!! Buhahahaha!!

    Future guest star on Dickwads?: Dick Armey.

    Long time HCwDB douchenozzle Riff Raff makes the Rolling Stone.

    In Western Australia, Aussiebags with Hummers land in jail. We have much to learn from the land of Oz.

    My favorite alt band of the late 1980s? Love and horses.

    I was a firm supporter of Obamacare until this ad ab campaign launched.

    Breaking news: Children stank. More on this critical story.

    To raise awareness for testicular cancer, Brazil created a mascot. Meet Mr. Balls. The greatest anything in the history of everything.

    Okay, nuff of Mr. Balls. Here’s your pear:

    Spank the Pear Gently Pear

    Not enough? Ok:

    Pensive Scribble Shower Pear

    You’re velcome.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, October 25, 2013

    Friday Thoughts and Links

    The Melon checker

    The Melon Checker knows what’s up.

    And what’s up is that those melons ain’t gonna check themselves.

    Certainly not with the FDA in upheaval after the shutdown.

    Why, who knows what insidious boob flu might sneak through customs without the yeomanlike work of boobal inspections as performed by The Melon Checker?

    So next time you see a Melon Checker, don’t be afraid!

    Reach out! Come on! Melon Checkers are people too! Well, maybe not. But you get what I mean.

    Hug a douche!

    Here’s yer links:

    Your HCwDB Buy Some Shit and Support the Site Link of the Week: What to get when Lumburgh steals your stapler.

    This human being sucks. Truth. 100% truth.

    Your humb narrs did an interview with the HCwDB supporters over on the Girls Gone Wild blog.

    You might be a doucheneck if…

    Larry King is an oldbag. But you knew that.

    When the douches get lazy, then only lazy people will be douchebags. Or something.

    If you haven’t seen The Room, Tommy Wiseau’s sublime 2003 piece of cinematic performance art, this book will help you understand the genius at work.

    Noted Hollywood douchebag Russell Brand is a blathering idiot who spews word salad enough to fool the masses into thinking he’s some sort of Dionysian intellectual rebel. I have far more respect for Hollywood bimbos who understand the shallow depths of their own limitations. Know thyself, Russell. You ain’t an intellectua.

    In Mexico, thug life echoes American douchebaggery. No surprise. It is a global plague, after all.

    Hollywood’s secret sex parties. The only one I was invited to involved a lingerie clad Kathy Bates and a vat of Crisco in a bathroom at a motel off Sunset and Hyperion. Good times.

    Okay. You been good. Here’s your pear:

    Pear Jazzle

    No I don’t know what it means either.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, October 21, 2013

    Art That Dares to Criticize

    Lorde

    This is Lorde.

    She’s a singer from New Zealand whom you’ve probably heard of. Usually with the caveat, “sixteen year old.” And that is noteworthy, I suppose. But not as noteworthy as her music.

    Lorde currently has the number one song in the country with Royals, a stripped-down bluesy critique of the fetishization of bling and Cristal sipping fantasy life.

    It’s a masterpiece of a pop song hidden in a simple, hypnotic anti-dance mix. Musically appealing at the same time it sneakily subverts the requisite formal expectations of the genre it usurps.

    Gone are the dubstep bass drops and over-sampled drum tracks of our Miley Cyrus Skrillex produced artifical landscape. Instead we receive the simple snapping of the fingers. This is pop music as rejection rather than celebration. Criticism rather than inclusion.

    You might even say Lorde is her own form of ‘bag huntress.

    The song’s simple refrain dispenses with the generic tropes of overproduced pablum and replace it with a simple clarion truth call — the voice. The pounding dance-track tribal thumps of the mass media machine gives way to the vocal harmonies of resignation and acceptance.

    The dream is bullshit. The party doesn’t exist.

    Reversing the economic hierarchy of mass-produced Katy Perry Barbiedoms, Lorde talks up, rather than down. The pop song as audience voice. All this in the form of a pop hit. All this from within the machine itself.

    And so truth to power climbs the pop charts.

    And a “sixteen year old” slays the beast.

    Analog reality slays the digital fraud. Left in its wake is a simple critique. The Ghosts of Britney grab money by selling ideal beauty and dreamland nightscapes of limousines and champagne. All while taking money from the poor wannabes who will never, ever drink from that fantasy chalice.

    But Lorde is also a very young woman. So while I often pollute our cultural discourse with my own reduction of ladies into “hot chicks,” I will refrain from commenting on Lorde’s hottness. Suffice to say, 2015 will be a very good year. Not only for hottness. But also for talent.

    But I come here not to discuss Lorde’s future hottness. I come here to discuss the recent kerfuffle, and yeah I just said kerfuffle, that broke out when Lorde criticized pop starlet Selena Gomez for promoting a woman-as-sex-object fantasy via her song, “Come & Get It”.

    Lorde commented in an interview in Rolling Stone:

    “I love pop music on a sonic level, but I’m a feminist and the theme of her song ‘Come & Get It,’ is when you’re ready come and get it from me.. I’m sick of women being portrayed this way.”

    Lorde was immediately and mercilessly mocked for daring to point out how the starlet machine sells young female singers as sex objects. The idiotic Gomez replied:

    “I think she is super talented and I think it’s awesome. But I think at the same time that feminism and that specific thing is very sensitive because in my opinion it’s not feminism if you’re tearing down another artist.”

    The stupidity. It burns.

    What clueless clowns like Gomez don’t understand is that real art criticizes. Real art challenges. Overturns. Mocks. Disturbs the status quo.

    Real art forces us to think about our suppositions. Our assumptions. About gender. About sexuality. About race. About class. About life.

    What genericlowns like Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez produce is not art, it is product. To call them “artists” is to vomit in Duchamp’s urinal. Actually, no. Strike that. Vomiting in Duchamp’s urinal would be the first artistic gesture that Selena Gomez ever made, whether or not she fluffed James Franco in a Harmony Korine film.

    To her credit, Lorde refused to issue the standard mea culpa forced on celebrities who dare to rock the media boat. It takes a 16 year old girl to call bullshit on the electric whore show.

    And it’s about time.

    ———
    TL;DR: I like Lorde because she’s willing to criticize the underlying assumptions of contemporary popular media.

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    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, October 18, 2013

    Friday Thoughts and Links

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    May your weekend pass like a photobombing Warren Beatty Bro in presence of a scaled down Patsy Kensit party hott and her sexy Malaysian friend at a creepy wedding in Sheboygan.

    Sadly, as I learned the other day when I queried a room full of hott appreciators, no one knows who Patsy Kensit is anymore. This makes your humb narrs sad. As a fallow teenager, I weeped tears of action-adventure sadness when Kensit was forced to die as part of Riggs’s grieving process in Lethal Weapon 2.

    It broke my Hebraic heart that this lithe Aryan suckle hott with the alpaca-like overbite would need to die so an alcoholic anti-Semite could quell the crazy for an hour or two.

    So here’s to you, Patsy Kensit.

    You may have married one of the douchiest flash-in-the-pan British rock stars of all time and consigned yourself to a 1990s Trivial Pursuit card for eternity. But I still poke your proddle.

    Here’s yer links:

    Your HCwDB Buy Some Shit To Support the Site Link of the Week: What HC1 will ideally be wearing on Halloween. What HC1 will actually be wearing on Halloween.

    In Soviet Union, guitar play hot chick.

    The Griecobag himself, source virus of the entire douche plague, Richard Grieco posted his latest artwork to Facebook. Here it is: Dawn of the Wolf. You’re welcome.

    Internet sensation and Semitic Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh Meytal Cohen. Still out there. Still without a discernible form of income.

    When they ask you about the 1980s, tell them this.

    Want proof we’re winning the war on douchebaggery? Victory!

    The latest Chinese beach trend: Face-kini.

    Here’s 38 images of Brechtian genius.

    Okay. Nuff that. For those of you in the winter climates as it grows colder:

    Ocean Peartacular

    Wave butt.

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    # posted by douchebag1
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