Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Bloom 'Bag and the Striped Raven

This pic doesn’t just make me angry. It makes me a nihilist. I no longer believe in anything. I want to kidnap Bunny Lebowski with Carl Hungus. Orlando Bloom’Bag saps my spirit and crushes my soul. He is all that is stubbly wrong with douchebaggery. His uber-luscious stripey haired hottie just cinches the Godless universe we inhabit.

I have two choices. I can explore my new found nihilist crisis by flying to Bangladesh and torturing orphans. Or I can have a bowl of Lucky Charms.

Hmm. Torturing orphans would force me to confront the darkest parts of my soul. But Lucky Charms are magically delicious.

It is a tough choice.

Oh Sweet Blondie

What force pulled you into an embrace with pretty boy two-toned douche? What evil curse cast by a witchbag’s spell sent you into the arms of this greasy model wannabe in the heart of Vegas?

It tasks me, I tell you. It tasks me.

Nice rock-n-roll t-shirt, pudwacker. At least you’re saving money on hair gel these days.

N 'Bags

I gotta give major props to this group of fellow ‘bag hunters, fans of the site, who sent in this pic toasting our ‘bag/hottie journey with bottles of Night Train and a classic red cup.

I’m pleased to see my contributions to the next generation of college students has paid off in valuable ways.

Gentlemen, or Gentlebags as the case may be, I toast my cup of ‘Train back atcha.

Now get a damn hottie into that pic, stat.

Herpes Soup

The Grieco Virus ain’t the only thing swirling around in this douchebag gene-pool.

Keep them HCwD of the Week votes coming. It’s a tight one. Just like these two puckerfaced ‘bags.

Barbarino 'Bag

Looks like the HCwDotW contest is going to be a tight one. In the meantime lets feast on this fantastic pic of douchaliciousness in which Vinny Barbarino ‘Bag has pulled off the rare and impressive simultaneous ‘Bag Headlock/Hand Gesture move with one arm. That’s like popping one’s collar using only shoulder shrugs. It’s ‘Bag Olympics level performance.

Sexy Librarian rocks my digital pixelated world. She is fantastic. Love those glasses and visible bra-strap. Her facial expression shows an unBleethed cutie fully aware of her predicament o’ douchebaggery. She’s so fantastic, my penis, Spike, wanted to comment.

DB1: What did you want to say, Spike?

Spike: Stop beating me.

DB1: No, about the pic.

Spike: Oh. I really, really, really like the color white right now.

DB1: So do I, Spike my old friend. So do I.

HCwD of the Week: Hand 'Bag Edition

Nothing fancy about this week’s smorgasboard, just your standard stomach churning combos of hottie and smelly douchitude.

Since Turburger’s a pro douche, we’re going with amateur hour this week. Those fumbling scrotes desperate to score and willing to put on any body spray and upturned collar to do so. White Chocolate just seemed to bum everyone out, but I gotta include this uber-tool. If he’s too depressing to get into the Christmas Douche Spirit, lets vote him out now and be done with him. Chambeshi’s nutsack, however is just too much for to ever look at again, so he’s out.

So without further ado, here are the finalists:

HCwD #1: White Chocolate

There’s something about that facial hair fungle that’s just depressing. W.C. is like a shot of anti-Prozac. He’s so douchey he makes me want to nailgun my forehead to the floor. But his hottie is sexy, and that gaze could melt icecream. So they’re included in the HCwDotW faceoff.

Yankees caps may need to be added to the ‘Bag Scoring List, especially aqua blue. WTF is that color about?

HCwD#2: Borat ‘Bag, aka Test Pattern Putz

This Borat shtick already seems dated and played. Which is too bad, as it’s a hilarious film. But if I hear one more half drunk tool at a bar make a Borat accented comment, I’m going to pound his Miller Lite in his virgeen.

So in the spirit of not being the Nth site to make lame Borat jokes, lest just call this douche and his hot popsicle “Test Pattern Putz.”

HCwD #3: Socrates Douche

Its not every day that we get to see the Founding Philosopher of Douchitude. But here he is. Featuring perhaps the oiliest forehead this side of a post regurgitated Jon Voight in “Anaconda.”

And that cleavite on pink there is positively Aristotilean.

It’s actually a pretty tough contest this week. All three are worthy entries. What say you, people?

Farmer Ted

Maybe it’s all the reruns of “16 Candles” on HBO over the past few weeks, but Farmer Ted here seems to be doing damn good for himself since Ringwald’s panties won him a bundle of floppy discs. Ted’s all grown up, and his clean close shave still wins the prom queen.

All we need is that vaguely racist “What’s a happenin’ Hot Stuff?” followed by gong moment, and who needs HBO?

Abtastic Abby has definitely made past appearances on the site. I can tell by those stylin’ zebra pants.

Spontaneous Douche

Amazing. For the first time we have photographic evidence that if two Bleethed out stage-4 Grieco hotties get too close, they can form a spontaneous douchebag directly from the power of their hand gestures.

Douche-head literally grows out of the force of their combined infestation of scrote enzymes and gelled up blinged out protozoa.

And believe you me, you don’t want to look into a microscope and actually see a gelled up, blinged out, protozoa. Or as I like to call them, AmoebaBags. Douche at the cellular level can be quite terrifying.

Classic HCwD: Billy Corgan 'Bag

Since I feel like having a Bud Light tonight, figured I’d post this classic HCwD entry from back in May.

I love Billy Corgan ‘Bag. So rumpled. So dirty. So creepy.

And this potentially Native American hottie, Runs With Douchebags, makes my Saturday fly by as light as a winged African swallow.

Turburger with Extra Cheese

Mmm… I loves me some extra cheese…