Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Where's Waldouche: Mourning Racoon Edition

As part of the board goes into mourning over the loss of the beloved Racoon in this week’s HCwDBotW, I thought we’d play another round of Where’s Waldouche to help keep our minds off Tuesday’s tragedy. And by tragedy, I mean fake Asian tattoos and eye makeup.

But I’ll put it out there to beloved ‘bag hunter, Danny Bonnadouchey. DB, find another Racoon w/hottie that’s worthy, and he’s going in next week’s contest. My only stipulation is it can’t be the same pic. Get to work, sir. The world needs you like Bruce Willis needs skyscrapers.

In the meantime, lets play Where’s Waldouche.

Somewhere in this picture of two lovely balls of cuddle, I’ve carefully placed a toothy and sexually overwhelmed grinbag.

Look carefully, for he is well hidden. Can you find him?

Citizen Kanye

This dude is like a cross between a young Orson Welles and a white Kanye West.

I can’t tell whether he’s going to direct the greatest movie of all time or simply rap about boobies.

He may not be overtly ‘bag other than the boob grab, but she’s a cutie, he’s greasy, and a fleshy hip bone of the purest magnificent ambersons is nothing to shake a stick at.

Douche Trek III: The Search for 'Bag

Vulcan ‘Bags need to scrote every seven years, so maybe we should cut Spockbag here some slack.

Then again, maybe not.

I would phaser her tribbles with dilithium crystals, klingon style. In other words I would, uhm, have sex with her.

Mike Myers 'Bag

I’m just happy to see Mike Myers is doing okay for himself since the Austin Powers franchise died down.

But Mike, what’s with the soul patch?

First thing you know, old Jeb's a giant douche

There’s a Beverly Hilldouchies joke in here somewhere, but I can’t seem to find it. I think I’m distracted. It could be that fantastic Iowa corn fed healthiness on mamtastic display. Or it could be the moon-rock head on the left. Thirdly, it could be Judd Hirsch from “Taxi” in the background. Fourthly, it could be my rash. Stupid rash. So itchy.

Jeb here wanted to come by and congratulate Fish Slap in the Weekly, and offer a few points of his own. And by points, I mean cactus head.

HCwDB of the Week: Fish Slap

What can I say about the genius that was this week’s Discussion Thread? The various levels of scalpel-like dissection of all things hottie/douchey performed by the regulars, as well as a crop of excellent newbies, was like a whiff of Axe Bodyshot on a warm summer’s eve. It was pretty genius. If you have the means, I highly recommend you take a read.

This was an epic struggle between the old-school douchitude of Fish Slap, the ironic post-modern performative douchebaggery of The Link, and the next wave futurist scrote of DJ Racoon. After we crested 110 votes, anonymous 3:16AM let loose with the frustration we all felt at having to choose between these three heaping spoonfuls of tasty, but very different, scroad:

ITS A DRAW!! LET THERE BE A DRAW!!! LIFT THEIR JERSEYS TO THE RAFTERS!! LET THEIR MEMORIES DOUCHE ETERNAL IN THE HALL OF SCROTE!! ALL THREE ARE REVODOUCHIONARIES AND HAVE PERFECTED THEIR PARTICULAR SUBGENRE OF SCROTE!! WE CANNOT IGNORE WHAT EACH OF THEM HAS DONE FOR THE WORLD OF DOUCHING!!! I TYPED IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT INSINUATES THAT I AM YELLING – KIND OF LIKE IN THE TOWN SQUARE OR FROM THE TOP OF A PULPIT!!!

Were that we could declare a draw, anon 3:16am. But the ghosts of past winners haunt us. They task us with this undertaking, and we cannot let them down. And so we must choose.

And behold, the voters spoketh. And yea, they cast their lots. And lo, the Fish Slap found the middle finger of the Lord had chosen him ‘bag among ‘bags. Wank among poo. And the Lord beheld what he had chosen, and knew that it was scrote.

The Racoon made a massive push but in the end fell only a few votes short of catching the classic rage inducing smugness of Fish Slap. But we learned something in this battle. We learned that there are those who define douchebaggery according to classic lines, and others who forge an expansive definition. We learned that some are transfixed by the peak of a tiny tattoo from above a hottie’s jeans, while even the power of a fantastic brunette in a bikini and a plastic chain necklace can’t elevate a smug scrote who looks like he’s acting.

There were so many brilliant comments this week, there is no way I can choose any one or two to feature, so I will simply let the ever present anonymous 3:22pm sum up what it came down to for the winner Fish Slap:

every time I glance at that hat, I die a little.

Don’t we all, anon. Don’t we all.

Yea, tho we walk through the valley of the shadow of douche, let us fear no eyebrow shavings. For the hotties are with us.

We must be brave. We must be strong. We must soldier onward. Amen.

Corned 'Bag on Rye

Here’s a classic ‘bag sandwich formation with an extra smear of douche-mustard on the left side. But my oh my that’s a tasty sandwich filling. All we need to do is cut the crusts off, and it’s a cleavite enhanced meal to go with my Dr. Brown’s Black Cherry, half-sour pickle and a side of ‘slaw.

Mmm… deli food hottie.

Voting will remain open all evening in the HCwDB of the Week contest in what is turning into a legendary comments thread. Get yer votes in before criss-cross ‘bag here makes you want to jump, jump.

Dude

Dude.

No seriously, dude.

You ever realize that we can’t see air?

Whoa.

Spiderbag

Ever get that strange feeling like Peter Parker might have a double identity as a mutant douchebag who fights crime?

That’s right, Mary Jane. Don’t look behind you. Parker is Spiderbag.

No, this isn’t a plug for the new movie. It’s a plug for those two fantastic cleavite Wisconsin cheese award winning wonder womans. I would web them in tri-color pulp print while bubbles describing my actions with all capital letters floated above me. She is comic book supernova perfection.

Choad Steamer

Here’s the thing, choad steamers of the world. When a cute girl agrees to sleep with you, it’s like Christmas. Don’t ask questions. Don’t preen. Don’t flex, analyze, question, discuss or contemplate.

Simply appreciate.